Duh. Winning.

It’s ok JLo, I’d want to hide my face, too if I was wearing a titty-ball dress.

with hip-flare. (I hate dress pockets.)

Steven looks pretty today.

Also, Randy exists.

WHY must Ryan talk to the stage manager using their first name?

WHY is it “Nancy, let’s do this” and “Erika, dim the lights” and “Frank, take off your pants”
That last one may not have happened on stage, but I can still see Ryan saying it.

In any case, it’s odd. Sure, Ryan and whatever-person are probably on a first-name basis, but I’ve never seen the people he talks about. For all I know, they could all be circus midgets.
Now I wish I knew them.
Dang.

Anymonkey, tonight, the 13 contestants will sing a song by their personal idol.
My hubbers heard this and said “Let’s see, so there will be a JLo song, an Aerosmith song, and…why the hell is Randy there again?”

Helping coach the contestants before the show was chairman of Interscope whose name is either Douchenozzle McSpeckle or Jimmy.
Whatever.
Apparently he’s always worried it may rain inside because he always has a baseball cap on…

or perhaps the sun keeps getting in his eyes.
Inside the building.

Anyway, there were a bunch of famous producers coaching the peeps.
I dunno, if I was them, I’d prolly be at my mansion watching people that I pay roll around in my money.
I wouldn’t want to roll around in it, do you know where those things have been?! Me neither, because I don’t see very much of it.

#1

Lauren’s idol is Shania Twain
Shania’s REAL name is Eilleen so she is A-OK in my book.
Lauren is going to sing “Any Man of Mine”, specifically because she did not want to sing a ballad. I’m guessing that’s what all of the other girls are doing.

LOLz she totally spit water out in front of the producer(s)

Although, if I had to look at this guy, I don’t think I could swallow either

(That’s what SHE said!)

The background music totally sounds like karaoke crap.

She needs heals, The long top with dark pants and flats looks like poo.


This is NOT doing her any favors. Her clothes or this song.
I KNOW girl can sing, but this song is NOT challenging and not better OR different than the original

Her saving graces are
1) We all know she is young
2) She is personable and likeable
3) She’s pretty

Yay! Steven, JLo, AND Randy agreed with me and wanted Lauren to do more with the song.

She looked a bit crushed.
But, let’s remember what’s important: I was right.

Of course, when asked about her performance, she says she “HAD FUN.”
*eyeroll*

#2
Casey is singing Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help from My Friends”
He said Joe C isn’t hot and Casey is…similar…or something
*snort*

So…..yeah….mmmmmeeeeeehhhhhh

I mean…

UHHH

I got nothin.

#3
Ashthohnh

will be singing Dianna Ross’s “When You Tell me That You Love Me”

God I hope she kicks this song’s ass
Oohh, she’s wearing a satin dress. Those are hard to pull off.

I wouldn’t mind having a go at it, though.

😀 See what I did there?

Daggone, her earrings are big (not a euphemism)

Her high notes didn’t quite cut it.
The preview before her actual performance was SO. WAY. BETTER.

Randy liked it, that was surprising.
NOT surprising, JLo and Steven liked it.

JLo looks amazing as usual but that lipstick needs to be toned down

#4
Paul is singing Ryan Adams “Come Pick Me Up”

THIS SONG IS BORING

Dood is a straight up weirdo.
He flailed around the stage like a marionette (worked by Michael J Fox) and yet he was singing this terribly slow song.
He is bizarre, but not in a cool, fun way…in a WTF kinda way.
Ok, maybe it’s a little fun, but, still, WTH is with his face?

And his “dancing”

#5 PIA!!!!!!
I LOVE PIA

She’s just so lovely, wait, what?

Wow. Those glasses.
Is she considered legally blind?

Anyway, DEAR BABY JEEBUS I hope she doesn’t pick a

OH MY GOD NOOoooooooooooooooo CELINE DION!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oK, I’m SCARED for her

I mean, she does have the pipes, but on stage and in front of all of these peoples
and it’s starting out so slowly…

STOP.

WHY is Steven wearing headphones?

So Pia’s hitting the big notes.
Wait, NO, she yelled.

It wasn’t good
Whatever, I can put it on mute and still look at those legs.

DAMNIT.
she’s still yelling/screaming
FUCK.
She sounded better in the previews too

She’s pretty.

I’m pretty sure that JLo is about to cry

Randy is saying that she hits these notes dead on….I beg to differ just a little bit, but WHATEVS

She’s HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

#6
James Durbin is singing Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”

Surprisingly, so far tonight his voice has sounded the best
Of course, he’s going to start screaming soon…

All of the judges are boppin’ around in their chairs.

Oh.
Dear.
God.

He looks like Sloth from Goonies

That’s unfortunate.

Ok, ok, it’s not THAT bad…
That really was, the best singing so far the whole night.
Yes, better than Pia.
DEFINITELY not hotter.
But definitely the best singer so far

I can’t believe I just said that.

#7
Haley will be singing Leann Rhimes “Blue”

Haley’s perty, too

Ok, she’s not one sentence into it and she’s singing it better than Leann Rhimes
By about 100 times
Her control!
The key change, the vibrato, it was all
FAN
FUCKING
TAS
TIC

Dear lawd, look at those earrings!

She really is very pretty

So, Steven Tyler said this: “It’s a Patsy Cline song that she never recorded off of her first album.”
Do what now?
Seriously, SteveTylerHandlers, check his purse because I think he may be snorting Ambien.

Last week Haley did Alicia Keys and this week she’s doing Leann Rhimes. I kinda like that she, like many of us YOUNG people (YESIAM!) likes a broad spectrum of music genre.
Randy called it boring, kinda sleepy.
I hope he gets a hangnail.

JLo was really fighting for Haley and Randy keeps saying “sleepy” and JLo is essentally rolling her eyes and shit

#8 Jacob Lusk
His idol is R Kelly
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo….
Nevermind, I’ll let it go

Is it possible for him to actually SEE??

Seriously, his whole pre-performance interview his eyes were shut.

Jacob’s SHOCKINGLY going to be singing “I Believe I Can Fly” (fyi-that’s not shocking)

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dear God his voice is beautiful

But now he’s getting yelly and not in a good way

He seems like such a diva

Ok, he brought the scream/crying back to FUCKYEAH! territory

Fuckyeah!!

But, seriously, could someone PLEASE get Steven a writer? He sounds like he’s drunk

#9
Thia Megia is going to sing Michael Jackson

She was told by Jimmy that it’s not actually a Michael Jackson song, it’s a Charlie Chaplin song and she nods and is like “Mmmhmm” and then she’s like “Charlie…Cha…Chaaa?”

This song is slooooooooooooow
And OMG
Her voice is pretty, as is she.

Wait, what is going on? The tempo picked up and she is flat or sharp or something
And it is weird

They added a beat and it’s like…I dunno, weird. This is a slow, emotional song. Please do not do this again Idol band. *stern glare*

I liked the outside parts, the inside parts were…blech.

Randy also said he liked the beginning and not really the rest.

She is so meek.
I really wish she would’ve been cut so she could come back in at LEAST a year.
She’s FIFTEEN.
She’s got balls for going onstage in front of millions, but she still needs more confidence, stage presence, and trauma.
Not like, blunt-force trauma, but she needs some life experiences to give her a personality and depth; some real emotion.

#10
Stefano is singing his idol, Stevie Wonder! Woo! I love Stevie Wonder. We’re BFFLs. For True.

Stefano is singing “Sing Lately” (FYI I don’t check what the actual names of any of these songs are because I’m lazy and also I have important things to do with my time, like puzzles with my 4 year old.)
He can SING. Trust.

I’m not a fan of his look here, though:

I got a little scared cuz he really is belting out all of these notes, but he hit every one.
This song is maybe not going to get the young people voting because it is slow and they’ve never heard it.

Wait, they picked up the tempo
At first it was like, ok, now it’s giong to be upbeat
But he was still singing his long notes and stuff.
His voice was beautiful.
He is totally a man with a million faces, but he moved SOFAST I couldn’t take a million pictures like I did with Scotty McCreepy last week.

#11
Karen Rodriguez’s idol is Selena so she will be singing “I Could Fall in Love”

NO
WHY is she wearing a JUMPSUIT

And she must have REALLY pushed her voice because she is NOT doing well at all. In her preview clip they insinuated that she needed to rest her voice before her performance, so something must be up (they never did say anything was wrong).
She was not able to get meat behind her low notes.

Disappointing.

#12
Scotty McCrappy is going to ruin Garth Brooks’ “The River”

Apparently now there’s something wrong with his LEFT leg

I love this song

I hate Scotty’s face

His voice was pretty shaky until the chorus.
I do believe this picture sums up his performance:

He constantly pulled the mic away from his face so you couldn’t hear him…which I was totally ok with.

I dunno why I don’t like him, America. I think it has something to do with his smug-face that he puts on while he’s performing.

#13 Naima has lost her mind and is going to do Rhianna’s “Umbrella”

Fuck Rhianna
She should be doing Eryka Badu

*sings* “Why don’t you call Tyroooone”
(*waves* Hi Dianna)

She looks like an outcast from the Pirates of Rasta-Punk Island

She is not able to really get her breath

YES, the mix-up was fun but the
Wait, what?
Was that dancing where there should have been words?
I’m…
confused

The reggae beats were hot.

She dedicated that to her hubby…awwww

At least Steven said it…she was pitchy

They were talking about how she didn’t have time to dance, breathe, and sing and she said it was hard trying to find time for a breath.
Bitch, please.
She needs to try Dre & Eminem’s Forgot About Dre.
BOTH parts.

Of course they have Naima’s phone number a little different than the rest, because “They didn’t want anyone to have to use the UNLUCKY # 13”.
Which is funny, cuz guess what…last year? That phone number? 866-436-5713? Was a porn number.
Which they found out only after the first show.
Lolz
It’s unlucky porn I guess?

So here’s your choices America

1) Lauren
2) Casey
3) Ashthon
4) Paul
5) Pia
6) James
7) Haley
8 ) Jacob
9) Thia
10) Stefano
11) Karen
12) Scotty No, America. Don’t.
13) Naima

I’m voting hardcore for:
Lauren, Pia, James, & Haley

Kinda Sorta voting for:
Stefano & Jacob

Barely voting for:
Casey & Ashthon

I’m not sure if they’re eliminating one or two people tonight.
Obviously, I hope that Scotty goes home.
Trying to guess who America bothered to vote for is HARD. Especially because a lot of people vote most for who they thought sucked! I am going to guess that…Thia is going home.

Here’s how I think the contestants did tonight-based on vocal ability AND performance:
1) James (I know!)
2) Haley
3) Stefano
4) Naima
5) Jacob
6) Lauren
7) Pia (I know!)
8 ) Casey
9) Thia
10) Paul
11) Ashthon
12) Scotty McPoopyPants
13) Karen

If I had to pick my singing idol it would be…

ME of course, DUH
WINNING!
DUH!