The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

Archive for September, 2009

The Bludge Thinks You Can’t Dance

Posted by The Bludge on September 25, 2009

Now, I’ve watched American Idol since its inception and I’ve bludged it for at least 2 seasons, but since the season hasn’t started yet, I wanted to bludge something else!

So, I picked ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ because it’s another competition show.  Please let’s not refer to it as a “reality” show because really, the only reason this would happen in real life is if someone made a show for it, buuuuuut since it’s actually happening, I guess you COULD call it a reality show! NOW I get it!

So, You Think You Coulda Picked a Better Title?

Perhaps I could make a few suggestions:
“You’re Ridiculously Talented but you’ll be Lucky to Make Enough Money to Even Qualify as “Poor”!”

No?

How about “Holy Hell, y’all are So Good I Can’t Tell When you Mess Up, How am I Supposed to Choose?”

Hmmm, now I understand why the name is so long, I guess they picked the best one after all.

So today they are in Boston. I can’t understand this host lady’s accent.  You know, you could sell a bag of shit so long as the person pitching the product is British or Aussie.

For the record, I think I can dance.
Not well, but I have a ghetto booty and it’s illegal to NOT know how to dance if you were gifted in the assal region, as I was.
FYI, it has to be an OEM ass (I’m looking at you Kardashian-that-is-not-the-giant-one-but-also-has-no-personality).

Having said that (Wait, was there a point?) I can not do the “booty shake” so I don’t even come CLOSE to even being equal to someone who SLEPT with these awesome dancers.

Random Thought: KFed was a dancer.
He’s like the Riverdance dog except not as cute and less respected.

Oh, FYI I totally cry during this show.

So, back to the show?

Up first is Teddy Tedholm which I’m sure is not his real name. It’s not that I think that’s a stage name, it’s just that sometimes if your name is John Tedholm you get called Tedholm and then people are fucking LAZY these days and can’t even say a WHOLE NAME so ya get called Ted or Teddy.

Anyway, he is the one wearing the argyle pants.  And a bow tie.
Ohai schtick!

Ok, he started dancing…is he making this up as he goes?

Probably now would be a good time to point out that I know less about dancing than I do, say, parenting being gay eating circus peanuts while standing on Nicolas Cage’s throat-waiting for him to take his last bre…eh-hem.  So I was saying, I ain’t know SHIT about “syncopation”, “canter pivots”, or “ball changes”. I’d have to wiki each one of those terms. Ok, so I totally Googled those.

So, why am I bludging this show? I know most of the judges on these types of shows are usually experts in their business, I mean, look at Randy Jackson, he knows how to…play something that has strings on it.
Or Ellen, she…prolly slept with some angsty lesbian singer/songwriter, at least once.

Totally.
Qualified.


So, back to “Crazypants” Teddy: I expected the judges to tell him to go home but they LOVED HIS PERFORMANCE.  Did I just get Punk’d??
I didn’t get his performance AT ALL.

I’m rethinking this whole “bludging SYTYCD” thing.

#2 dancer is Jean Lloret (or something-they flash the names REALLY quickly and I didn’t feel like rewinding)
He’s an un(dance)educated BBoy’er apparently.
Starting out pretty slow here, I think the judges and I both are waiting for him to sta
WHOAH! Did you SEE that!?
Mr. Man just DEFIED GRAVITY
He did this move that was just SICK!

I sure hope he’s not a one-trick-pony cuz the judges are giving him tickets to the next audition already!

#3 was a dood named Kimara but they showed his name and his hair and that was about it.

#4 Channing Cook
Hey there.  *cocks face up and nods*

How YOU doi…oh sorry.
What I mean to say is, Channing’s pretty hot.
She looks like a fun gal, prolly was a cheerleader. Or gymnast. Or basket weaver-what the fuck do I know?
So she starts dancing and the show almost changed to ‘So I Think I Just Saw Your Crotch’, but whatevs.
She danced pretty well, I guess. It was good dancing, but I didn’t loooooooove it.
I wasn’t RFJ (Really Freakin’ Jazzed).
The judges like her ok and they want her to try the choreographed piece before they decide.

#5 Six Foot eight Peanut
No he is NOT tapping to Hip-Hop!
LOVE IT!
I should mention I’m not a fan of tap.
Oh judges, I’m SO sure he wants you to point out, and joke about, his height on NATIONAL TV.

Shit though, did you see how tall he was? I could totally stand underneath him and he wouldn’t even feel me breathing on his balls.
Not that I would do that.
That’s gross.
I’d totally hold my breath.

#6 Russell Ferguson
Is he Crumping? Krumping? Crimping? Kranking? Crumpets?
Mmmmm, doooonuts.
Oh damn, I’m hungry.
Anyway, I have no clue what this business is all about and I’m not feelin’ it.
Oh British judge-man and your “If you put Crumping with Tap you get CRAP!”

Keep your day job.
Wait, what IS your day job?
I bet he prolly dresses up in Halloween costumes and colors pictures in Dora coloring books.

#7 Fabrizio
So I JUST said to my husband I says, “I like how they don’t show the bad people”.

And then this.
It’s not terrible, but I can tell you this, he ain’t gonna win this thing.
He falls down and when they rewind and replay it looks kinda painful, but he got up and kept going.
Kudos for cahones.

So they judge the people they asked to come back for chroeographed dancing and of course they didn’t show much.

Hot Channing got through (yay!), and Russell (who was prolly AMAZING but we’ll never know!), but Beanpole got cut.
You know, Peanut. Oh ALL RIGHT, his real name is Ryan.  He was very gracious about it and had a good attitude, so that’s cool.

#8 is a couple, Karen and Mathew Hauer (or something)
This is some weird-ass music that they’re dancing to right now.  They’re good but I’m not blown away.  I was hoping to like them more because they seemed so cool in their interview.
You know, playful banter indicating that they totally do it in the kitchen.
I agree with country-bumpkin-judge, Karen is HOT.

So when the announcer says the word “ballroom” it sounds like she’s saying “boring”, which is kind of ironic.

#9 is the Jewish Rico Suave, Gene Berstyn (or something)
OMG 17 different STDs just knocked at my door after just looking at this douche!
Wait a minute, did he just say he likes women?
TOTALLY would’ve pegged him for a power bottom.
Ok, he REALLY looks like someone I know but I can’t say who because I prefer my car sans bombs.
Well, he can dance but I want to punch myself in the face when I watch him and I think that’s a bad sign prolly.

#10 What is THIS fuckery? It’s a 40-something year old dood in jogging spandex pants and he is totally acting a fool.
Oh shit, that Mary judge is a little brutal.  She said “I was laughing the whole time but for all the wrong reasons.”
HARSH!
ACCURATE!

#11 Kevin Hunte
Dood, keep your hands off of your crotch, this is a family show.
Oh my LAWD, girlfriend-judge (the might mighty gay one) needs to STOP trying to “talk like a black person”.

He is mixing up Queen and Queens.
Though I TOTALLY revert to my ghetto-speak when I’m around friends I’ve known since GROWING UP THERE so maybe this gayelle grew up in the projects.
Ok, my neighborhood wasn’t ghetto, but it was rightnextdoor.

So Kevin and Rico “narish” Suave got through to the next auditions! Guido was told to control his eyebrows or the judges would hold him down and Botox that shit.
I offered to help.

So if I was one of those dancers that wasn’t even shown on the episode I would be HELLA PISSED.

All in all it was a pretty non-fucking-eventful show. 
It’s hard getting into a groove with a new show, the pressure to be drool-inducing hilarious is REALLY HIGH!
No wait, that’s just leftover high from high school.


Tune in next time when I do something that warrants writing a post!!

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Hello world!

Posted by The Bludge on September 24, 2009

My shit’s the BOMB!
Ya dig?

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