The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

This is What’s Wrong with America

Posted by The Bludge on October 8, 2009

Every year it seems like Halloween costumes for girls get worse. There are no super heroes and all the classics get turned into the sluttiest, smallest pieces of tissue paper possible.

FYI ALL of the costumes you’re about to see are from the “GIRLS” section on the Party City website. That means CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 13. This section is TOTALLY SEPARATE from the TEENS section.

Please know this is not an attack on Party City, this is an attack on Ameri…ummm parents.

How is it possible that (the collective) “we” are so ridiculously over-protective of our kids and yet we allow our children to leave the house wearing hot pants with the word “JUICY” across the ass. Parents have actually been SEEN with these children, which indicates that they approve of their child’s attire.

Now, lawd knows I’m not a conservative person. There’s nothing worse than checking out some hot girl’s ass only to look up and realize that it belongs to your neighbor’s kid.
Not that I’ve done that.
She doesn’t live in my neighborhood.
And it turns out she’s 18.
Ummmm, I just made all of that up.

Aaaaaanyway, before I completely appall you with images that will make your brain cringe, I present first, a few costumes in the WTF category:

What the FUCK is a “Polar Princess” other than “Hey it looks like I’m covered up but when I bend over you can pretend you’re my gynecologist!”

Ok, this one isn’t slutty but really? You’re calling this a “Race Car Driver” costume? How many drivers do YOU know that wear pretty pretty dresses when they are out racing cars?

One word:

Now, I present to you, costumes SO hideous and SO trashy they might be seen on the likes of Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan *shudder*

the following costumes should make you at least one of three things:
1) Immeasurably relieved that you do not have a girlchild.
2) Enormously uncomfortable
3) Disgusted, appalled and ashamed

The “Sweetheart Alice” costume. Last time I saw something like this I was at a strip club on Halloween in Key West and let me tell you, that girl was NO sweetheart.

Let me get this straight, this is the Alice-in-Wonderland-meets-Avril-Lavigne-meets-French-Maid costume and you want me to put my 8 year old in it?

This time, someone is mistaking “French Maid” costume for “Car Hop” costume and it is supremely WRONG.

Say it with me: “Future teen mother!”

I don’t know about you, but when I think “devil” my mind immediately thinks “frilly, see-through mini skirt, mmmkaay?”

While this girl appears to be “of age”, this outfit is only available in sizes 4-14 and just so you know, a size 14 should fit a 14 year old girl. Comforting.

I think we are all aware that “Bratz” is an acronym for Beyond Raunchy Awful Tramps ZoMG!

Um, she looks 30, which would be a more appropriate age to wear this, but is still no excuse for actually wearing it.

So, you may be thinking, “Oh, this isn’t so bad, sure, it’s totulley fucking atrocious (Ha ha, see what I did there?) but it isn’t slutty.

It is when you take the SAME COSTUME and put it on a kid 5-10 years older WITHOUT MAKING IT ANY BIGGER.

Apparently fabric has gotten considerably more expensive and also, if you’d just have a seat, Chris Hanson would like to speak with you.

I see NO reason why a witch needs to wear a miniskirt, I mean, how is she going to keep from showing her drawers when she’s flying around on her broom?

Well, I guess this answers the age-old question of “What did the prehistoric hookers look like?”

If you let your kid (kid=under 18) out of the house wearing this, then you probably should start stocking up on diapers now. You know, if you have room in your trailer.

Yes, even if you’re blond and it comes in pink. (p.s. Someone give this gal a cheeseburger)

I hope you don’t think that the fact that this one at least covers up her crotch-area with medusa’s head-snakes, makes up for the fact that IT’S A BOUSTIERRE WITH FISHNETS.

I present the following under “Hey, this is a good costume idea but let’s see just how slutty we can make it for the under 12 crowd:

For some reason this is called the “detective” costume. What the deuce?

Perfect! This one’s already ready for military camp!

Yes, don’t forget the “slut red” lipstick for your 9 year old!

What a waste of $30!

Take off the hat and the belt and you’ve got your slutty Christmas dress too!

This one totally says “I won’t be a virgin for long…” *barf*

Thank God they have her ankles all covered up.

“No Mr. Chris Hanson sir, I just came over here to talk.

I didn’t see the episode where Daphne sang for the B52’s.

This is tights and a T-shirt.
Tights. And a T-shirt.

Yep, size 10-14.

I like to call these “Just…no

Calling this costume “Snow White Ballerina” does not make it make sense.

THIS is what Snow Fucking White looks like:

They call this one “Red Hot” devil.
I call it “Red Hot *barf*”


What. The. Fuck.

Yep, I can TOTALLY tell this costume is supposed to be a bat because you see, ummm, errrrr there’s like…uhhh, wing….shoulder pads and errrr, she has those…ummmm…devil horns.

Cuz Britney Spears is like, SUCH a good roll model y’all!

This was a smart buy, she’ll be able to use those boots again.

I believe they call this one “Trampy Witch Fairy Ballet Ice Dancer”

Sizes 10-14!

I’m sorry guys. Hopefully you’re as grossed out, appalled, disgusted, and full of the voms as I am.
So, to make us all feel better here are the only DECENT girls costumes that I could find on the website, and by decent I mean “Are not slutty and can be easily recognized as an actual costume”:

How is it possible that this costume looks simultaneously shitty and ADORABLE?

However I do want to end on a serious note and that is this, if you design, sell, or dress your kid in the following costume, you should go to jail RIGHTNOW on MANY counts.


One Response to “This is What’s Wrong with America”

  1. WOW! So glad I have no children who might come to me asking to wear any of these costumes that clearly should come with warning labels reading “Not for use until well after puberty and solidification of sexual responsibility sets in.”

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