The Bludge's Blog

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Archive for January, 2010

And then, there were Three

Posted by The Bludge on January 31, 2010

Three episodes of American Idol!!

Now we see what kind of talent Chicago has been holding back from us all these years. (*snicker*)

Chicago’s guest judge is none other than Shania Twain!!

Shania’s alright by me because long, long ago, we shared something very beautiful together.
Don’t tell my husband, but it’s still going on today!!

SUCIO!!

Truth is, we both have the same name.
I KNOW, right??!! Scandalous!
Shania’s really real name is Eileen, too.
Yep, we were both born to be old women.



Thankfully, the producers started out this show with a reason to keep watching, namely, Katelyn Epperly:

I’m not sure she really wanted to be there…it was clear she was comfortable performing, as they showed her singing at about the age of 7, but it seemed like she was only auditioning to make her mom happy about her husband leaving her for a younger woman.

Yep, that was the most heart-wrenching thing they could dig up about Katelyn.

Wow, I wonder what it would be like if my parents were divorced, that’s just so…gee, I dunno, I think the word I’m looking for is: common.
BFD, American Idol.
Anyway, broken-home baby could SING.

(Sidenote, do you think she was better looking as a brunette? Shakira had to go blond to make it mainstream too. What, you know it’s true!)





I know we shouldn’t pigeon-hole people, I just mentioned that in my last post, but if the next contestant, Amy Lang, wasn’t a total fag hag, may a giant ham fall out of the sky and bitchslap me in the face.

I didn’t get a picture of Amy.

You’re welcome.

Amy fell on the floor (on purpose) then got up and sang Dr. Feelgood, a la Aretha Franklin.
Fitting, as she and Aretha have 2 things in common.

*wink wink, nudge nudge*

Anyway, she did this thing that Kara dubbed “Boob-boxing” which is better left unexplained (the picture in your head is better, trust.) and Simon told her “They’re not going to Hollywood.”





The next 16 year old to wow the judges with her voice was Charity Vance, singing “Summertime”

Charity’s parents both do hair and they have a salon in their home.
*blink*
Mmmkay.
Anyhoodle, she sang very well and made it through to Hollywood.





Trying once more to be the next American Idol (again again), was Angela “Warrant? What warrant?” Martin, who apparently has narcolepsy.

The judges were all blowing smoke up her ass but I thought it was about as entertaining as putting butter on a piece of wheat toast and then accidentally dropping it on the floor.

That was the end of Day 1 in Chicago and only EIGHT people got “Golden Tickets”.
Ya best bring it tomorrow, Chicago!





The first guy showcased on day 2 was named Curly; and to explain what his singing was like, I entice you to pull out some hair from your tender area and then pour scalding water down your pants.
That sound you’re making?
That’s Curly, in a nutshell.





The next waste of oxygen was Brian Krause, who claims to have sung (sang?) “for the troops.”

If by “troops” he means “other mental patients in the same ward” then sure, I believe him

I wouldn’t give him a job singing, but if they ever remake Rainman…





Harold Davis had a fairly good look and sang Usher…

…badly.





Another surprise based on looks was John Park:

He had a nice deep voice but more importantly we found out that Shania Twain has a thing for asians.

The first thing she said was that he has a nice “bottom end,” and it went downhill from there, quickly.
Shania also said John has “a nice tone down there” and he “has a good head.”

Looks like she’s not having any problems moving on from Mutt.





Ms. Paige Dechausse had a jen-you-wine tear-jerker story. Apparently she has always had bad asthma and went into anaphylactic shock as a young girl and it was pretty touch-and-go, but I’m pretty sure she pulled out of it…

She sang Sam Cook’s “Change is gonna come” and made it through to Hollywood.
Barely.


I know you guys have been sitting at your computers, impatiently waiting for another update, but I went to New York City y’all, and besides, you were really just looking at porn.
Traitors.




Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

I Bludge Thee, American Idol

Posted by The Bludge on January 31, 2010

I’m WAY behind on Idol, I know.
I was out of town, out sick, and out of internet.

Enough excuses, here’s my review of the SECOND episode (sorry again!) in HOTLANTA!!!

The guest judge today is Mary J. Blige!! I think she has gotten even better looking with age. Not that I took a picture or anything to show you guys.



First to torture and assault us voluntarily was Dewone Robinson, who is is related to famous people named Bob and Clyde, or possibly Clive. And you know how famous Bob and (possibly) Clive are, right!? OMG I was just saying last week “Damn, Bob and maybe Clyde are…………..wait, who are they?”
Anyway, Dewon pretended to sing an original piece (of shit).

Ya better hope Uncle Clydve is gonna support your ass, Dewone!



Second was the very curly haired Keia Johnson.

Apparently Keia was in a beauty pageant and received the “Miss Congeliality” (Mary’s words) Award! Simon wasn’t impressed, until she started singing. She sang “The Titanic Song” and while she didn’t crash and sink (ba dump bump), she could use a little more control and a little less yelling.


The next three girls all made it through to Hollywood, but were featured very quickly. Miriam L. was pretty but too boring looking to pause and take a picture of, as was Noel Reese who sang “Don’t Make Me Close One More Door” (if that is even the name of the song) and then, there was Tisha Holland, who could possibly have saved all of the survivors of flight 1549 on only one of her earrings.


Oh my dear lord, we’ve only just begun and I am already done with watching the contestants go up and down in the elevator because it’s glass and 27 stories up and I’m scared of heights and it’s freaking me out a little and…. *blink*
Ok, the Ambien kicked in, everything is alright now.
Suddenly I want to have sex with a golf player though…hmmm….

Jermaine Sellers, a very cute, very vanilla-well, as vanilla as a black dood can be-good singer (that was so vanilla I forgot to take a picture of him and his clothing from The Childrens Place) sang “What if God Were One of Us”. He made it through.


Next was Christy Marie, what an outgoing girl!
Outgoing through the GTFO door!

(I’m here all night, folks.)


Vanessa Wolfe was……….different.

She was from some podunk town in Tennessee and she was so nervous I thought she was gonna pass out in front of the judges.
Her Mom was nervous too but she didn’t have butterflies, oh no, “Instead of butterflies, I got frogs” she tells Ryan. I guess she felt right at home with him wearing his flannel shirt…


Speaking of rednecks, Jesse Hamilton WOWED the judges next with something he called “singing”.

It was not enough that Mary J. couldn’t stop laughing, but the producers added a “Cheap Dramatization” to explain Jesse’s 3 brushes with death.

I would bet money that he almost died just trying to spell “Hamilton”.


This next girl can best be described by this look:

Holly “Guitar Girl” Harden actually made it through to Hollywood, even though I wasn’t sure which key she was singing in when she attempted “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man”.

I’m pretty sure she had no idea either.


I didn’t even notice the next contestant, Mallory Haley, didn’t have nipples on her face for quite some time. I was so distracted that I didn’t take a picture, which I am currently flogging myself for doing.
Well, whatever she looked like, she sang “Piece of My Heart”, was 20, and from South Dakota.
And she was blazing hot.


I bet you didn’t know there’s a black polish guy!
It’s true!
His name is SkiiBoSki and even HE can’t spell it right on his own clothing:

He’s “phenonimal” (his words) and told the judges “I’m like the dollar store…you can have everything you want at the dollar store…in one package…it don’t cost you no mo’ than a dollar…I’m worth a lot.”

Um, what?

Just to piss off Simon (I hope) the ladies voted him through to Hollywood.


Turning up the stupid another notch was Carmen and Lauren

Did they meet at a beauty pageant?
If they had any more makeup on they’d have a front door on their face that says “Sephora”.

Carmen made it through to Hollywood, not only is she the hotter one, she can sing better than poor Lauren. Which is to say, she can sing three whole notes.


Bringing the talent (seriously) back in the room-but not necessarily the sexy-was Brian Walker, the po-po from some town that nobody cares about remembering. He sang “Superstar” in the style of Reuben Studdard (I don’t care if that’s spelled correctly).

So, you know how last year we were all shocked any time someone that could REALLY sing walked in, but they looked like their parents were a carp and a Cadillac?
Well, I’m trying to let go of that and Brian’s trying to help me by singing very well.
Why do we say “Wow, he sounds soulful for a white guy?” and then bitch about people that pigeon-hole young black men as thugs and rapper/basketball players?
It’s like telling your skinny girl friend “Girl, you need a cheeseburger,” but not telling your fat friend “Girl, you fat as fuck.”


Next, Lamar Royal brought it to the house. If “it” was ‘kerosene and sparks’ and ‘house’ meant “my earballs”.
Lamar yelled the words of “Kiss of a Rose” at the judges, then kept interrupting them when they tried to tell him he sounds like a hyena fucking a porcupine.

He was escorted out by about 7 graduates of the Jerry Springer School of Bouncing.


Bringing the show to a close was 62 year old General Larry Platt

By now, you’ve likely heard his new hit song “Pants on the Ground”.

Unfortunately, at 62, Larry is too old for American Idol, which is too bad, because he was about the most entertaining contestant since Norman.

Next up, Chicago! And then ANOTHER city, and then I think I might have caught up with the rest of you people that don’t have lives!

Until then, quit lookin’ like a fool wit yo pants on tha ground!

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Sweeeeeet bitchery of life at last I’ve found you…

Posted by The Bludge on January 20, 2010

Oh, happy day! American Idol is back!!!

American Idol was basically the catalyst for this blog, I would post a short review to Myspace and about two of my friends would read it.

The next season the review got a bit longer and a few more people started reading. I moved to Facebook and I don’t know if it was that season or the next (alzheimers) when friends that didn’t even watch the show would read my review! Yeah, my friends either did a lot of drugs, or are currently on drugs for “depression” and “ADHD”.
Or both.

So, what do I think about Paula Abdul leaving the show? I’m sad.
It’s pretty easy to poke fun at drug addicts, but I will miss her because she once danced around in LA Gear high tops and her music came out before my hormones really kicked in and made me the eye-twitchingly frustrating bitch that I am today, and that makes my heart-cockles all warm and muggy.

I’m not sure what to think about Ellen taking Paula’s place, I mean, other than “Hmm, I guess her ratings were down.”
There have been 2 shows so far and she hasn’t been on either one. I’m not sure how her presence will add value to the show, I’d still watch if it was just Kara, Randy, and Simon. But, it’s not called “American Judge”, which is good, since they’d have to kick off Simon since he’s a foreigner (“You’re as cold as ice…”).

Speaking of aliens, Tuesday’s guest judge was none other than POSH SPICE!!!! How MAY-JAH!
I was too old to like the Spice Girls when they were popular, but then, I was 16 or 17 so I didn’t like anything but Tool and scowling (I would’ve gotten along well with Simon).
I have to admit, I’m kind of intrigued by Miss Victoria Beckham. I’m just waiting for her to pop open her cranial hatch to reveal the tiny, fat man working the controls for her robot body like that guy in Men In Black.

The first city of the season is Boston, Massachusetts. Home to a less-than-eleven-feet-wide house, the “Sacred Cod”, and, of course, the Molassas Massacre!

I think I’ve been to Boston before, but the locals saw my Yankees jersey (I’m not a fan, I just like being shitty) and, I’m pretty sure, drugged my beer! Probably it was that 12th beer they drugged.
*blink blink*
What?

SO, probably to the surprise of everyone on the planet, I am NOT a fan of watching people make complete asses of themselves on global television!
I hear you saying “But Evil Bludger, you LIKE making fun of people.” While this is true, it is also true that those people are pretty much putting me out of work. There’s nothing to make fun of, their stupidity is already apparent.
Well, I’ll give it a shot.

The first casualty of the night was Janet. Perhaps you will remember her Karaoke Idol playing, pink tank top, and at-least-one-kid belly pouch.

She was the first Bostonian to spew the heave-ily (yes) anticipated “wicked awesome”.
As a nod to my sort of New Years Resolution to not be so mean and nasty, I will say this about Janet: She is probably good at something other than singing.
What? It’s a long game of hopscrotch (typo and it stays) from Negative Nancy to Carol Brady.

Second was Maddy from Bluemont, Virginia is 16 and the 9th of 12 kids. My husband hears this and looks at me anticipating this next sentence “It’s a vagina, not a clown car.”

Maddy reminds me of my BFF that I’ve known since we were 5. Said BFF is watching this episode with me, which is great, it induces hilarity of Will Ferrell proportions (if you like him).
Anyway, Maddy’s voice sounds much more mature than I’d expect a 16 year old to sound.

Then came nasally-accented Patrick who “sang” and “danced” to Britney Spears ‘Womanizer’. If you missed his performance you could just watch Britney’s music video (they still make those, right?) because they equally suck.

Next up we have Sopranos extra (not really) Amadeo from Rhode Island. Amadeo’s a big dood and the second time I watched his audition I had the volume turned WAY down and it actually sounded ok, even though he was YELLING through the song. I loved Posh’s comments “You have a HUGE voice. Your voice is incredibly powerful, have lots of passion and you just seem like a really really nice guy.” Notice she said things that were neither compliment or criticism.

Then, Derek the blond spiritual guy’s blond hair auditioned for a part in a Suave commercial.

At some point during the show, Bikini Girl from last season was re-introduced. Thanks, producers! *wink*
Bikini Girl is a great example of “stand there and look pretty but please don’t talk!”

Whoops, that wasn’t the pic I meant to post…
(p.s. How awesome is that “Coming up…” haha)

Self professed anime freak Mere Doyle sang Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart” and all of the children in Tanzania cried.

Also, Hot Topic’s discount bin called, they didn’t think their image could get worse than it already was and they beg you to stop wearing their merchandise.

Two more guys made it through, Luke:

and some guy named Benjamin who wasn’t as cute as Luke.

Well, Andrew Finlan was quite a character.
No, I mean that, he was playing a character and why the producers felt the need to humor him by putting his face on TV I have no idea. He wasn’t even good at it. He was trying to act all emo and he came off as a cranky toddler with terribly fake glasses and it’s really no wonder that he’s auditioning for American Idol since I’m sure all of his auditions for actual acting didn’t work.
Oddly enough, my friend Jen’s cell phone text notifier is the sound of a gong, and halfway through Andrew’s performance, Jen’s cell phone gonged and we both looked at each other and said “IF ONLY” and then dissolved into laughter. (No, we didn’t dissolve, we’re ok, we just laughed is all).

Anyway, after that trainwreck, Ashley Rodriguez sang Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You” and I just love this girl’s teeth. They’re so white and perfect and pretty.

Some douche named Tyler sang “Let’s Get It On” which is one of my FAVORITE songs and I must’ve missed something because everyone thought he was GREAT and I didn’t like his singing, jeans, shirt, hair, wrist braces, or FACE.

That was the end of Day 1. Aren’t you glad you weren’t there?

Day 2

A very unfortunate Lisa Olivera croaked sang “Vision of Love” by Mariah Carey and I’m pretty sure she has Terets. Not that Terets is bad or funny, it would just explain a lot of her audition.
Truthfully, if I auditioned, she is EXACTLY how I would sound. Like that person at karaoke that everyone grimaces when hearing.
This gal was memorable though, when she turned around to leave, she had a BADONKADONK!! See? I told you she was like me!

At this time I think someone was pumping helium into my house because out on the audition floor walked Mike, an actor on a speedboat called “CODZILLA”.
Go ahead, read that again, I’ll wait.

Lemme tell you, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “I’m an actor on the boat, Codzilla” well, I could get change from a change machine.
I’m not sure what kind of acting is required on a speedboat…pretending you’re not barfing?
My friend Jen said “What does he act like?” (pretending she’s Mike) “I think today I’ll act like an asshole.” *gigglesnort*

Another girl made it through that is just too young and vanilla to be singing soul (but can and does anyway), Katie Stevens.

Before commercials they showed a guy YELLING at Simon, and when the show comes back and the guy is auditioning they actually MADE him yell at Simon, trying to get this guy (Joshua) to be more assertive. They liked his voice, I thought it was weak and pitchy.

Then, onto the stage comes Justin Williams from Utah…
Oh.
My.
Crap.
He is HOT.
Like, H.O.T.

He had cancer and even the pictures of him from the hospital look hot!! OMG!
He sang Michael Buble’s “You Know How I Feel” and I looooove me some Michael Buble (Thanks to my Canuck friend Janet).
My girlfriend Jen watching the show with me had me pause it so we she could stare at him for a while.

I hope you’re sitting for this next contestant…
Norberto, who looked like Latoya Jackson-according to Simon-was a TERRIBLE singer.
The best part was after he left the room Posh said, “He looked more like Janet.” BWAA HAHAHA
I knew I liked Posh.

As the day is winding down, on stage comes Bosa, a big Nigerian descendent was overshadowed by his mother’s headdress which was like a fabulous beehive of orange fabric.

Right here is when my house fell down the well of immaturity and somehow we ended up saying that my vagina is from Nigeria. It’s more fun if I don’t explain why, trust.

Sidenote, I must be turning soft because I kind of like Kara now, and I would like to tell her that purple is her color. That is all.

One of the girls auditioning has a degree in songwriting.
You can get a degree in songwriting?
BRB, I’m gonna go get me a degree in turning skeins of yarn into balls of yarn.

Ok y’all! I’m officially a degreed ‘yarn baller’!

One of the last singers was Leah, who sang a song called “Blue Skies” that I didn’t recognize at all.
I turned to my husband and said “Do you know this song?…cuz you’re old…” HAHA he did.

And there you have it…my week-overdue post. There’s been 2 more shows that have aired since this one and as soon as my face stops acting like a sewage plant, I will have more for you!!

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

American Idol Season 8 Bludging

Posted by The Bludge on January 19, 2010

I’m copying and pasting my bludges that I wrote for Season 8 here:

Previously Titled: Eileen’s First Official-what is this season 8? American Idol Review

Please know that I typed this ENTIRE thing on my Blackberry whilst sitting on the couch eating chips and dip for dinner (ice cream for dessert!) And I can’t be held responsible for bad formatting. Or that smell coming from the bathroom.

#1 Jasmine Murray – Holy crap, did you just choke on your own tongue? “You are very marketable”. Come back next year and stop singing so low.

#2 Matt Giraud – Who? Wait, that’s what I said last time I saw him and then I really liked his Ray Charles, hope that’s not as good as it’s going to get! Ok, he’s gonna do whiny ass Chris Martin.
He’s making me watch him, that’s good. Partly because he’s charismatic and partly because I’m trying to figure out if he’s supposed to be singing like that-do I even know this song?
Dood, you’re obviously nervous, don’t do the rolls.
I’m gonna vote for you because I usually don’t like the guys and I almost like you.

Sidenote – Who the hell IS Kara? It took me 2 seasons to find out who Randy is (not that he is anyone). I wouldn’t kick Kara out of bed but I sure as shit would need a whole roll of duct tape.

#3 Jeanine Vailes Who? Um, wow, what are you doing? This isn’t a fucking drag show, it’s American Idol. “You fixed my broken things”? Really?
p.s. You are not Christina Aguilera

#4 Norman Nick Mitchell Gentle
Oh I hate you and I love you.

Sidebar – The only person other than Paula that doesn’t know that Paula is a drug addict is a blind, deaf, mute Sherpa.

#5 Allison Irahetta – I was so way more a schmuck at 16.
And 26.
And now.
(She starts singing)
OMG.

Oh. My. God.

OH

MY

GOD

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#6 Kris Allen – You are quite cute.
Yep.

#7 Megan Joy Corkrey – Let me preface this by saying I do not have a CLUE what they saw in her first auditions. Seriously.
Please stop “dancing”.
Ok, were the judges watching the same performance? Cuz they loved it and I thought maybe if a pineapple fell out of her vagina it would make more sense.

#8 Matt Breiettzzke – PLEASE stop shoving “roughneck” down my throat.
I’ve not been a big fan.
Oh dear, you should not be on stage.
If I’m not looking at the TV it sounds just like the real song, but you look like the guy at the bar on karaoke night after a few beers that makes me feel embarassed for him.

#9 Jesse Langseth – Wow, they made her promo pic HOT. A little Tori Amos with that Angelina Jolie/The Joker smile.
Dang girl you can sing, but do people care about this song?
2nd best tonight IMHO

#10 Kai Kalama – I hate your hair. You could be hot but it looks like a poodle shat a hairball on your head while you were asleep.
Honestly, when you started singing I stopped paying attention. I actually got up to check on Brenden without pausing the DVR. And I’m not gonna rewind either, suck on that.

In closing, next week the producers need to staple Paula’s eyelids up so she doesn’t have to hold her head up like that to try to see through the Codeine happy.

So only Allison and Jesse should go through. I’m stuck on the third one, should it be Matt or Norman?

UPDATE – OMG I totally didn’t watch the last 2 contestants apparently, derrr
Since I can’t seem to find them online, I am going to paste my new friend Nanci’s review of the final two:

#11 Misharonna- whatever your name is, obviously named after an entree marketed by Chef BoyRDee. You’re good…you are actually really good. I am distracted though…I’m pretty sure you are storing nuts and berries for the winter. Spring is around the corner babes…spit that junk out. I liked you though…you’re 18 and ALMOST as good as Allison. I was a total loser compared to you at 18 so I have to give you props.

#12 – Ok…an EMO Elvis impersonator channeling Mick Jagger. I shouldn’t like this…but I do. A lot. Ok, ok ok, you win the guys spot. (But Norm won my heart and is still my future baby daddy)

Thanks Nanci! 😀





Previously Titled: American Idols Final 13

Again, I typed this whole stupid thing on my Crackberry, and I was up at 5 something this morning and it’s midnight so I am freakin tired and can not be held responsible for spelling errors, nonsense, or the “C” word.

Waaaaaiiit a minute… was that Page 6 Blind Item about the guy people talk about being gay but he is DEFINITELY NOT GAY Ryan Seacrest!!??
Cuz did they see his outfits the past 2 weeks??!!

OMFG THERE’S A RABBID SWAN ATTACKING PAULa…oh wow, you mean she meant to wear that?

So hey Kara, it’s ok to sit up straight you know.

Speaking of queers, did y’all see that pic of Fonzi (or whatever the hell his name is) kissing another dood?

#1 Lil Rounds – Hold on, I’m suddenly hungry for a Little Debbie Snack. Ok, she’s working the stage, great personality, but I’m not a fan of the white pants. They are crotchtacular and not in a good way (and no that word never means anything good).
Great performance, and by that I mean singing, stage persona, song choice, etc)

Whoah Paula, I’d say it’s going a little far saying she’s “like angels singing” OH I get it it’s Paula that is making Lil’s crotch area so bulky.

#2 Scott Macintyre – Good call on being at the piano, I imagine working the stage is kinda hard when you can’t see the end of it.
Wait, am I at church? Is this a public service announcement? After-school special? This song sucks more than Lindsey Lohan’s Dad (What? He wears turtlenecks, I’m sure he’s gay)
I liked his last performance better. Hmm, I wonder what Ray Charles sounded like when he first started.

KARA! SIT UP YOU C*NT!

#3 Danny Gokey – OMG his Mom is Jane Seymou!? Did you see that family picture?
“Tenderoni”. Still lame.
Oh shit, someone get a ruler, he’s having a seizure!
Seriously? He needs to calm down and work on his stage performance.

Oh Paula, I can also hear people with my eyes closed.

#4 Michael Sarver – I’m not sure why he’s still on this show. I feel bad for not liking his face. Did y’all see that stain Ryan Seacrest left on the back of Michael’s jacket?! How rude!
Ok, his voice was good. Fine. Would I buy his album? No. Would I change the radio station if he were on it? Hell to the yes.

‘Distinctually’ did I spell that right Paula?

#5 Jasmine Murray – OMG how ADORABLE is her nephew?
Ok, she chose “I’ll Be There”, can she sing it and not get compared to Mariah?
Well, she certainly didn’t sound like Mariah so, good for her? Heh.
That skirt length is giving her a case of ‘the stumps’.
Zzzzzzzzz
You’re very cute (and yes, marketable) but you should’ve waited 2 more years and you would KILL.

Is everyone’s local Fox news showing commercials every break about the Idol X Rated phone number scare? Hilarious.

#6 Kris Allen – Wow, his wife sounds like a mensa member. Oh sorry, I meant moron, she sounds like a vapid airhead moron.
Hello, Krissy? Don’t walk away from the cameras as soon as you’re on them.
Um, is there a reason we can’t hear him playing the guitar? He’s totally hiding behind it. Lame!
I’m not a fan, he’s confusing. “I can’t tell what kind of artist” he is.
I agree with Simon, it was too early to bring out the wife. It’s all about marketing.

“Very well job done” ahh, the perils of live TV, eh Randy?

#7 Allison I-hey why did they show her name so quickly? El Salvadorian? I did not guess that one. What the hell is she saying? Sweety, can you stop yelling at me? And talking? And making faces?

Does Simon have ‘roids? Cuz he sure is moving around a lot.

#8 Anoop Dawg – I’m excited to hear his MJ! Hmm, looks like his family has money. Why hasn’t anyone waxed his eyebrows?
Really? He chose Beat It? Is that some sick kind of subliminal messaging? I don’t mean about masterbation you perverts, I mean the irony that his song choice will get his ass off the show in a hot second.
That did NOTHING for him and I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but, I actually agree with her.
Simon might have actually saved him by saying his dancing was stupid. Some people don’t have actual opinions so they have to pick someone and align or malign their thoughts.

Sorry, verbal diarhea over.

#9 Jorge Nunez – Ok, so does the Glam Squad only work with the girls? Cuz any sane stylist would have tied him down and sat on his chest and waxed his brows.
He has such a great voice. Maybe it would be better if someone waxed just one of his eyebrows, would they look like they were the same size?

#10 Megan Corckrey – Wasn’t it kind of obvious from her last performance that she had never been on stage before?
Wait, did Ryan just say…
OH
MY
HELL
Rockin’ Robin!?!?!?
The HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
UGH! WHY?!
Am I at daycare? Retirement community brunch?
What the deuce is going on here?
Did she….did she just caw?
She just caw’ed didn’t she?

Yes Kara, she DOES put her signature on everything, the thing is, she signs it with FECES!

Are they asking Gordon Ramsey his opinion on music?
Doesn’t he cook things?

If this fuckery doesn’t cease I’m going to quit this bitch.

#11 Adam Lambert – Ugh, the Pete Wentz hater in me immediately hates you, your hair, and your fucking nail polish.
There’s a reason you haven’t made it in Hollywood. Because you’re a douche.
UGH, you can’t try to act/look/sound tough with that much eyeliner on. Please stop yelling.
I want to take those awful chains around your neck, wrap them around my fist so I can pummell y STOP CRYING PUSSY
UUUGHH I’m sure he’s enjoying all of the judges tossing his salad.

#12 Matt Giraud – Why is his entire family talking about each other like they’re all dead?
He’s gonna get up from the piano, right? No? Stupid.
His falsettos are soooo pitchy.

#13 Alexis Grace – She is so cute and tiny!! I liked her performance, it would only have been better with less growling/screaming, but I did like it and her but prolly not as much as Kara apparently.

I want to call the X Rated phone number!!





Previously Titled: It’s about time to make fun of American Idol

Tonight’s post is inspired by Michael K. at http://www.Dlisted.com

So I watched this week’s American Idol’s performance episode during the results show.
Monday night sometime after 8pm my daughter told me that she had an orchestra concert the next day. Yeah, we’re all really close.

ANYwhore, as I was watching the show I found out that Jasmine was kicked off last week. I had no idea. I had heard about Jorge and wasn’t too upset. He was a great singer but not so much an entertainer, maybe he’ll work on that and become big!

So I like Ryan Seacrest in a suit. Ryan Secrest in slacks and a sweater is about as sexy and appealing as the time my brother put on a house dress and a wig and videotaped himself singing a Police song.
Note to self – call therapist for extra appointment this week.

OMG! Kara’s sitting up STRAIGHT!!

Ew, who let in the pasty old white queer with the thinnest V-neck T-shirt I’ve ever seen? Of course he’s gay, have you ever seen a bitchier queen? But I stereotype.

Anygay, it’s country week and Randy “creepy eyes” Travis is there to make the contestants feel awkward. It looks like all of the kids feel the same way that I do, he reminds us of that friend of our Dad’s that was always giving you the side eye, and if you turn your head away for a second he’d rub against you and say he was swatting a fly. In your vagina.

Anypedo, I guess I should maybe tell my shrink it’s an emergency. Let’s get to the “singers”:

#1 Michael Sarver – Why is he doing this Garth Brooks song? How much can you showcase your voice when your panting out 400 words per second?
And what is with the spaz playing harmonica? Are they paying him to do that? Cuz, no.
How could he possibly one-up Garth Brooks? Garth might not have a phenomenal voice but he is a GREAT entertainer. Or, he was.
Just ask Trisha Yearwood.

Anyhomewrecker, holy crap! Cara’s speaking into the mic and SITTING UP!
No, no wait, there she goes, she’s in her cougar pose ready to pounce the moment Paula looks away and Kara can get her hands on her prescription strength Coke.

#2 Allison I – Oh! it sounds like a soft song! SO glad she might not yell! There goes Randy Travis with “You’ve got great pipes”, who thinks he’s talking about her voice?
Oh CRAP, it’s upbeat and she YELLING AGAIN. I’m officially bored by her because I know EXACTLY WHAT SHE’S GOING TO SOUND LIKE EACH WEEK.

Lookit that, Cara’s been watching herself on TV, or reading my posts cuz she’s actually sitting up again. Wow, Paula actually made sense telling Holler Back girl to try new stuff with her vocals.
Wait, what did Randy (Jackson) just say? He wants Paula’s dope? I do too, I’m going to need it for when Cher Elvis Wentz goes on stage.

#3 Chris Allen – He might as well be dipped in syrup and coated in sugar he’s so…white bread. Oh good, he’s not hopping maniacally around the stage. His singing is…nice. You know he reminds me of David Archuletta in about 8 years. I hated that kid.
Oh EW, Chris needs to cut his nails! How does he play guitar with those? I HATE guys with long nails. So close Christina, so close.

#4 – Lil Rounds – Martina song! I love Martina! Mmmhmmm. Oooookaaaay… I’m waiting for the chorus cuz this is kinda blah. I dunno, Martina kind of owns this song, you know?
I feel it’s time I addressed Lil Rounds not-so-lil round parts. As a woman of normal proportions, I ♥ that she has a rockin’ bod and I hope she doesn’t stop eating sugar and flour and starts “riding the white pony”. Am I right? Huh, Jen?

#5 Oh no, it’s him. It’s that chicken from that terrible animated movie. No dumbass not Chicken Little. That one where they escape the farm or some dumb shit. I think it was Mel Gibson. I’d take him any day over Adam Lambert.
Ok, Randy Travis has now redeemed himself to me because he doesn’t like the gayer version of Pete Wentz’s love child with Sebastian Bach. Clay Aiken, I can’t believe I just said that, I need to go wash my asshole out with soap.
Oh ew, he just did an Elvis lip-curl. My eyeballs started burning and I am pretty sure if I took a syphillis test it would be positive and highly contagious.
I think he is trying to make “sexy eyes” but it looked like the face I made right before I barfed up chicken and biscuits in the crapper last week.
Sweet jesus, thank god that’s over.

Paula’s funbags are certainly flowing over today.
Aw HELL NO Trent Reznor would NOT microwave his testes and sing 14 octaves about dog hearing.

#6 Scott MacIntyre – Crap. I like the opening. I just remembered I have some VANILLA milk to eat PLAIN cereal with before I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Loved his comeback to Paula, ZING!
How can he have a stage performance? What is Paula smoking? Everyone is “disrespectful” tonight. Did she just learn that from her Word-A-Day calendar or something?

#7 Alexis Grace – Randy (Travis) didn’t even have anything to suggest she do with her performance, that is HOW GOOD it was, *I* think her vocals were dead on. Lil Rounds could have done well with this song. The only parts I didn’t like were the singing with no words parts (the laa laa laa stuff).

FUCK Randy and Cara, I thought it was great. I am tired of the contestants defending their songs. This isn’t a debate club it’s a singing contest, shut your face if there’s no tune coming out yo mouth.
Um, she didn’t understand what “sound-alike” means? What the hell else could it possibly mean!?! (Is THIS why she got kicked off? For being a moron?)

#8 Danny Hokey – Why is he wearing a straight jacket and why isn’t it tied correctly? Sounded like even HE was bored during the first part. He reminds me of that diabetic from Virginia from a season or 2 ago mixed with that gray haired guy that won but no one cared. Where IS he? Someone check Paula’s deep freezer.
Does this guy have a sponsorship from Hour Eyes? Does he even NEED glasses?
Why does he hold the microphone like a blunt?

#9 Anoop Dawg – Seriously dood, eyebrow wax. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
I just love his voice.
This song is slooooooooooooow
I want to hear him do R&B! All the time!

#10 Megan Cockring – Oh wait, it’s just Megan Joy now? Too many COCK jokes online!?
Why is she talking like Sarah Palin’s daughter with a d*ck in her mouth? Oh, what am I saying? It’s quite obvious it wasn’t in her mouth.
Anyteenmommy, I do not like this performance. She is SO NERVOUS and awkward.
Oh. She’s got the flu? She’s been in the hospital and still looked really nice? Well, I feel like a total schmeckle.
Simon just did that secret “I am kind of scratching my face but I’m more-so flicking you off” thing.
She did look like she was playing dress up.

#11 Matt G – I don’t want to see him behind the piano again. I don’t like Coldplay.
He was off key a bit but I like his voice even if he does look like Justin Timberlake’s less attractive brother.
Did Kara just say he’s got a big package and she loves it?

So I was thinking maybe the white Stevie Wonder would go home but you fuckers sent Alexis Grace packing. Really America? REALLY?
Hmmm, maybe I should have voted.

Notes –
I do not see a therapist. Yet.
I meant to spell both Cara/Kara and Ryan’s name wrong multiple times.





Previously Titled: This IS American Idol

Hey, do you guys remember Brian Dunkelman? Hahahaha, one of the first AI hosts that totally got PWND by Ryan Seacrest.
Don’t know why I just thought of him.

ANYway, I’m sort of pleasantly surprised, Paula looks very nice tonight, and only slightly sloshed. Kudos to you and Skat Kat.

Oh my damn. THAT’S how blind guy hits those high notes. His testes are wrapped as tight as Ann Coulter’s ego.

#1 – Matt G
Sang: “Let’s Get It On”
Oh, I was so excited to hear this song because it is one of my FAVORITES. I have gotten kicked out of a few clubs dancing to this song.
ANYtrashy, the opening is too quiet, a bit odd but oh THERE he goes, growl baby! He got up from the piano and didn’t completely dance around like a total douche. He really sold that song, he didn’t seem like he was overdoing the sexy. He isn’t a sexy guy, but that was a sexy job he just did. Even if we have taken to calling him Justin Timberlake’s uglier brother.
I just hope that, his being on first, people don’t forget his performance when the show is over and it’s time to call in and vote.
I watched his performance again after the show since Bart had missed it and I still liked it.

Sidenote – Paula needs to sit up straight, she’s flubbing over the top of her top.

#2 – Kris
Sang: “How Sweet It Is (to be loved by you)”
I can just tell this is going to be boring.
What is he wearing? Is he out on work release? What’s with that shirt?
This performance is almost better than Ambien.
There’s just nothing special or interesting about this guy.
You know, I bet that wasn’t even his wife in that first show, I bet it’s his Grace to his Will. Give him about 5 years and he’s going to come out of the closet. Trust.

Sidebar – What is with that necklace Randy keeps wearing, did his kid make it for him in preschool or something?

#3 – Scott McBlindy
Sang: “You Can’t Hurry Love”
Looks like we signed up for another snoozefest.
Ok America, why is HE still here and not Alexis Grace? Fuck you America. Fuck you in the eye.

Sideline – It looks like they meet with the guest-previously-famous-musician on the day of their performance, how is this helpful?

#4 – Megan “Daily WTF?” Cockbreath
Sang: “For Once In My Life”
Hey Megan, here’s some math for you: different ≠ good.
Oh my hell, she probably should have picked a song that had notes she could actually sing. Oh wait… heh
Oh dear lord please make it stop. The yelping and the throaty awfulness and the awkward “dancing” and the screechyness. Please DIAF.
I second what Randy said “trainwreck”. And Kara. And Paula. And Simon.
GO HOME

Sidearm – I think it’s quite obvious Paula that when you start your comments with “You’re so beautiful” the next description that follows is going to be something like “barf factory”.

#5 – Anoop!
Sang: “Oooooh Baby Baby”
Oh PLEASE tell me this song is going to speed up. Oh dear, it appears that he’s trying to sing us all to sleep! Too much falsetto, this is NOT your strong point, you need that middle register where you are IMPRESSIVE. This performance is BORING and you can do SO much better, even if you do still have boas over your eyeballs.

Sidewinder – I’m sure all of these performances are better in person. Except Scott’s of course.

#6 – Michael Sarver
Sang: “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”
What an awesome song, I mean, think about the lyrics, that is devotion.
ANYhonkey, I really dislike this guy. I’m not really sure why. It is not helped that he acts like a total ham on stage without pulling it off. Go back to your family and sing for them and get your face off my giant TV.

HAHAHA I LOVE that Simon just told him he wasn’t going to win. That’s a big 10-4 Roger Roger!

Sidecar – I actually VOTED this week! More than once!

#7 – Lil Rounds
Sang: “Heatwave”
Well everyone is expecting Lil to bust a win out of this week because of the genre. From the preview with Smokey it sounds like she just might do it!
Hmm, well, I’m not really loving it. She sounds shouty and the song is too fast to really HEAR the Lil in it.
I was telling all of that to Bart and he was like “Huh?” and then not only Randy and Cara but also Simon said exactly what I just said. Paula liked it but she must’ve gotten to the bottom of her “Coke”.

Sideways – Does Smokey Robinson really have green eyes?

#8 – My Arch Nemesis, Adam Lambert
Sang: “Tracks of My Tears”
Wow, he looks younger without all that pancake makeup on.
Smart move on not being a complete douche (like usual) and changing it up a bit. He basically pulled a David Cook (only less douche).
Ugh, enough of the falsetto already. If this was just a key lower it might be bearable but the dogs next door are going crazy.
WHAT
THE
FUCK
He got a standing ovation? For serious?
Whose salad is he tossing, Simon Fuller!?!?

Sideburn – Bart joined me in watching the show right before Scott came on and when he did Bart says “He’s got a weird look on his face, what’s up with that?” and I said “He’s blind” and then cereal and milk flew from Bart’s face. He’s got a window seat to hell.

#9 – Danny “Hour Eyes” Hokey Pokey
Sang: “Get Ready”
For the love of Peter Griffen PLEASE do not flail around the stage again.
What exactly is he going to do to this song to make it different?
Oh. Nothing.

Sideshow – I only wrote TWO pages of notes tonight!

#10 – Allison Yellseverything
Sang: “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”
Get ready for the growling and yelling.
Oh wait, she’s doing pretty good so far. I’m not a complete fan of the outfit but she’s 16, maybe I’m just too old.
Oh! She even hit a good high note!
She’s not yelling! I’m so impressed! She’s doing a very good job SINGING!

Ok I HATED that the judges were so rushed at the end because I think, given a little more time, they would have praised her even more.

OMG Paula has a mustache! What the hell is going on? This is PRICELESS! Can we have pictures and videos of this mess please?

So, worst performance of the night? Hands down Megan Cockadoodledoo. Runner Up? Scott.
The rest looks like this:
8. Michael Sarver
7. Anoop though I hate to say it
6: Kris (I totally couldn’t remember who the 10th person was haha)
5. Danny Gokey
4 and 3 are a tie between Adam Wentz and Lil Rounds
2 & 1 is a tie between Matt G & Allison

I base my opinion not only on vocal ability but also showmanship.
And hotness.





Previously Titled: The Ryan Seacrest Unrequited Love for Simon Show!

So I know a lot of people call Ryan Seacrest a douche (or think that), but I have to respect what he’s done for himself.
I mean, that’s a lot of fallatio and I start to get lockjaw after the first 3 producers.

I kid, I kid.
Those weren’t producers.

NO really, I don’t give away blow jobs. Just ask my husband!
No, don’t.

Where was I? Oh, right, American Idol!

Did y’all see Simon when the judges were walking out? The light was behind them and his head looked like a pencil eraser. Then, once he was sitting down in normal light he had this crazy cleft in the middle of his hair, like Moses had parted it.

And I hope Paula’s date isn’t going to be pissed cuz she’ll be late to the prom!

So the theme this week is popular downloads on iTunes. Um, that’s like saying “Every song that’s been released in the last 40 years”, way to narrow it down!

Ok, time to sing kiddies!

#1 – Anoop
Oh yay! He’s going to sing Usher!
Ok wait, do I know this song? Hmmm the background singers sound familiar…is he singing the right things?
Oh honey please stop overdoing the “sexy” performance cuz, no.
Hmm, I’m thinking I may have to give up on Anoop. The judges were right about the “frat guy doing a karaoke song on a dare”
Not that it will happen, but I hope Megan Crotchface goes home and gives Anoop another chance to do a song in the right register and NOT ham it all up.

Oh Simon, who EVER wants your honest opinion!??!

UGH, I HATE it when the “singers” argue with the judges, it just makes them sound like belligerent little children.

#2 – Megan killJoy
In the preview clip thingy she sounded like Corrinne Bailey Ray (no I don’t care that I fucked up the spelling), but now that she’s singing…
Does she have a used condom or perhaps a GIANT EGO stuck in her throat? WHY does she make these crazy sounds? One minute she sounds like she’s from Ontario and the next minute it sounds like she’s from HADES because the voice on that one sends people to HELL.

ROFL at Randy saying it was worse than watching paint dry. I have to agree, I was actually saying “whaaa?” during this song, it didn’t sound AT ALL like the preview clippy.
I also HATE that she actually says, out loud, on TV, “my fans”. YUCK. Go fuck a rake!

#3 – Danny “More humble than that Megan bitch” Gokey
Singing Rascalll Flattss (what? there’s too many consonents) “What Hurts The Most”
I think this is a good song for him, he made it seem a little more pop and a little less country, so that’s good.
He’s pushing his runs into “yelly” territory though. It seems like maybe his voice wobbles unless he’s shouty.
All in all, pretty good.
So, he’ll probably be in the bottom 3 because I said that.

#4 – Allison
She GREW UP listening to “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt!? OMG I FEEL SO OLD!! I saw No Doubt in concert THE YEAR MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN.
WHOAH dood, someone fucked your hair UP! My issue wasn’t with the clothing but WOW. That hair was. Troll doll.
Was it just me or did she kinda mess up the words? Maybe she thought that was how you’re supposed to “make the song your own”.
OMG I just realized who she reminds me of with that hair.

PEBBLES FUCKING FLINTSTONE

Did it make anyone else flinch when Paula called the guitar an “axe”?

#5 – Blindy McBlinderson
Yep, I’m going to hell, but I got a window seat so it’s totally worth it!
Even though he sounded totally off-key in the preview clip the performance sounds…good.
So what IS it with blind people playing the piano? Why not the sax, violin, or flute?? I want to see a blind person playing drums. Now THAT sounds like fun to watch!
Oh right, back to this guy, well I’m not really sure I liked the whole thing cuz, let’s face it, I wasn’t paying attention.
I am in agreement that his outfit was WAY better this week. I’m still not sold on the hair though.

OMG, before I fast forwarded through the commercials I think I heard announcer-guy say the words “Celine Dion” and “Adam Lambert” in the same sentence.
Oh dear sweet 7lb 9oz baby Jesus please let me have mis-heard that cuz those are two people that I’d shove into a wood chipper, mix the remains with dog food, wait for the dog to poop it out and then smile and know that the world was a better place.

#6 – Matt G.
Wait, where IS he? Why is he so out of tune? Maybe he isn’t, maybe I just am not listening to Ryan Casem’s Top 40’s often enough.
Ok, ever.
Dear no, this is not working for me, it’s not that his voice is bad, it’s just that I don’t GET it.
I’m going to vote the FUCK out of his number though cuz you bitch ass ho’s let him drop to the bottom three with MEGAN FUCKING COCKRING!
Fuckers.
The thing is, I understand that he doesn’t sing just one way and this is just something else he does that we simply hadn’t heard yet, but yeah, I’m not sold on this gravelly voice thing.
(I prolly voted for him about 100 times last night-the only other person I voted for was Danny. I wish it was possible to UNVOTE for someone cuz my phone woulda gotten hot has FUCK from redialing Megan’s number)

#7 – Lil Rounds
Oh SHE is doing Celine Dion. And to think I liked her some before…
Did anyone else notice that she looked PHENOMINAL in the preview clip?
Oh CRAP. What IS this dress she is wearing!? As a woman of “junk in the trunk” proportions I shouldn’t need to remind her that we do NOT wear that clingy fabric ESPECIALLY when it gathers above where it’s stretched. Oy.
Well shoot, she sounds all yelly again. What’s with y’all bitches yelling all the time? That’s why you have microphones you morans.
BRB I’m gonna go get some NODOZ

Dayum, she just can NOT win with these judges. It’s funny cuz they are telling her to sing songs that are already sung by women with pipes. She needs to take a boring song from someone that can’t really sing that got famous anyway (Alanis Morisette, Jewel,) and sing the fuck out of a song.

Oh my shit, Lil’s daughter hugging Randy was just about the cutest thing I’ve seen IN MY LIFE + 8 years!! Stop melting my crusty bitchy exterior American Idol! How will I finish this blog!?!?
Actually, that was the best thing on this entire show this episode, I mean, Holly Madison doesn’t even suck as much as this show tonight.

#8 – Adam “dog pitch” Lambert
Is it wrong that I want him to choke on his own tongue while being mauled by no fewer than a dozen hungry bears?
I am hoping that at least one of the judges uses the phrase “cruise ship”.
Ok, I’ll give him 2 points for entertainment and he maybe might have not screamed as much as he usually does. Maybe.
He’ll prolly win this show cuz I’m not a fan.

Did y’all hear Kara say “Studio 57”? HAHA she must have ketchup of the brain disease. Simon had to be right about everything and point out it was actually not “Studio 57 flavors” but “Studio 54”

#9 – AHAHAHAHA I had TOTALLY forgotten about Kris “Stale Bread” Whateverhislastnameis for the SECOND time in 2 weeks. I had NO idea who was last.
OMG I SO love “Ain’t No Sunshine” it is SO. FRIGGEN. AWESOME. I doubt he will be able to pull it off.
Ok, if I look away from the TV, he doesn’t sound that bad, but WHOAH, his FACE! I wanna punch it a little bit. With my shoe.
Yikes, the last note of that song was WTF wrapped in a dookie sammich.
SOooooooooooooooo many people have sung(sang?) that song better.

I should’ve made it clear last week that my ratings at the end were MY opinion and that America almost inevitably votes differently (though I did vote for Kelly, I didn’t watch Season 2, barely watched Season 3, I voted for Carrie, voted for uhhh whats-her-name, and voted for David Cook last year, so I’m not WAY far off.)
Anyway, I think this week I’ll do it a bit differently.
First, here is my ranking of who I thought did worst to best. This is as an entire performance, so even though someone may have sang(sung?) better their stage performance may have sucked resulting in a lower score.

9.Megan Fuckface
8.Matt G.
7.Anoop
6.Allison
5.Lil
4.Scott
3.Kris
2.Danny
1.Old Yeller
(ROFL-as I was doing this I forgot about Kris again. And Allison lolz)

Now, I think the bottom three will be Matt, Anoop, and Allison though I may swap out Anoop or Allison for Kris. It’s a total crapshoot though since America apparently rolls a fat one before the show and then CLEARLY dials the wrong number. Why else would that sack of limp jello otherwise known as Megan Joy(nt) still be allowed to knife-fuck my ears each week?

Disclaimer – when you see misspellings and weird shit you don’t get-I did it on purpose so don’t bother correcting me-just wiki those meme’s ok?

I’m done.





Previously Titled: AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW – Because I like my limbs in their original places.

So, you already know who got kicked off, but since I don’t need Nanci and the rest of Carolyn’s friends sending firebombs to my house…

So it’s “songs from the year they were born” and they’re going to be showing pictures of the contestants when they were young (you know, like from 5 minutes ago).
They start showing pictures of the judges when they were little and Kara’s picture looks like baby needs some Zoloft. She says Simon must have been her babysitter, which, ok was funny, and then a few minutes later she’s repeating her joke to Simon. To quote Jennifer Aniston “That was uncool what she did”.

Randy was a cute kid, Paula looked dead in the eyes back in the 60’s too, Simon’s picture burst into flames right after it showed up on the screen, and Ryan Seacrest’s photo showed that he had much more unfortunate teeth back in the baby stage.

ANYway, let’s get to the reason for this show:
(it’s to make fun of people if you’re wondering)

#1 Danny Gokey Pokey
Oh UGH. When this song came out it was maybe overdone but DEFINITELY overplayed. He starts the song out a lot differently than the original, but I simultaneously do NOT want to hear this song AT ALL – in fact I think I would rather carve the likeness of Clay Aiken onto my own thigh than hear this song – but I also do not want it sung differently. What? I’m not bi-polar.
It’s multiple personality disorder, get it right.

Speaking of bi-polar, I see Simon’s hair is doing that Brillo pad with a fold down the middle again this week.

#2 Kris “Forgettable” Allan/Allen/Whocares
*snort* did he just say the “ferris wheel instructor”? Is it really THAT complicated to sit on a bench and not fall off?
Wow, his accent came out during the preview clip, did you hear it? Shit, I wouldn’t mind if he always sounded like that, at least there would be SOMETHING different about this room temperature pile of instant mashed potatoes.
I do not like his version of this song. It was a great song and he is not doing it any favors. I’m kind of surprised he wasn’t in the bottom three cuz his existence escapes me on a WEEKLY basis, but he is kind of cute and I’m sure that gets him votes. (That’s the only explanation that the bird lady stayed around as long as she did)
Also, I HATE that he is performing IN the crowd, it looks SO claustrophobic and ridiculous considering there’s like, 30 people around him.

#3 Lil Rounds
Holy cats her family has STRONG accents.
She is singing a BIG song and I wonder what she’s going to do to stand out.
Still wondering…
Still waiting and wondering…
Well…that was unfortunate.
Here’s the thing: the reason that I sing Alanis Morissette’s “Hand In My Pocket” at karaoke is because Alanis is a terrible singer (I mean really, listen to that album) so it works for me because I don’t suck as bad as she does.
Lil needs to find a song that is semi boring and sing the SHIT out of it. The judges have been telling her to do Mary or another soul singer but after this performance I think it’s obvious she has no idea how to make those songs her own so she needs to blow a crappy song out of the water.

#4 Anoop
Oh my damn, WHAT are you wearing?
He’s singing “True Colors?” Is his outfit irony? Cuz his true colors CLASH. Ba dump bump.
You know, seeing his parents and now knowing he was an only child, I think it’s pretty obvious that he was, and is, a spoiled little rich boy.
So even though Kara makes me want to make an appointment with my dentist about my TMJ – I agree with her, Anoop did make the song his own and didn’t act all SCHMUCKY like he normally does.

#5 Scott
He’s still here?
I like his hair a LOT better this week. You may have noticed that I haven’t poked fun at the crazy eyes and the “I’m going to inhale you” GIANT MOUTH (until now) but that’s because 1) I’ve already got my ticket to hell and 2) It’s not fair cuz I’ve already been bad enough 😉
Hey Jen, he wanted to be a train engineer too!! I’m guessing you might be a bit better at that job, you know, cuz you can see stuff.
He’s not behind the piano this time, so that’s nice-different, however he IS behind a guitar and um, he’s not playing it. (Does he not know it’s there?)
Looks like someone forgot to tell me we signed up for another snooze-fest. Oh, it’s picking up now, in tempo, not my excitement for the song that’s for sure.
OMG he just screeched at us!! Even Paula said it! GAH! Go HOME.
Sidenote – remember when Bart saw him for the first time and was like “What’s WRONG with his FACE?” and I’m all like “He’s blind”? Well, this time the camera panned the audience-his family members-and Bart says “Damn, his sister is gonna go BLIND, look at them glasses” and I say “Um, yeah, Bart? She’s got the same macular degeneration (or whatever) that he does, so yeah, she IS going blind.”
Nice.
At least we’ll be together in hell. Hmmmm, there’s some jokes in there but I’m gonna let them slide by me.

#6 Allison
She was BORN IN THE 90’S!!?? Crap, where’s my cane and my Metamucil? It’s 4pm and I’m late for dinner!
Anythroatgrowler, she’s going for a slower, softer song, YAY!! This is good because I want to hear her SING and also see her face. Damnit! Stop squishing up your face when you sing! You look like a toddler and you sound like you’re horking your song into the microphone.
Here’s what I want from you Allison, next week stand behind a microphone-stand and DO NOT TOUCH THE MIC. This way you won’t be bent over growling at us for half the song. Also, if you squish your face all up we get to punch you in the face with Botox.

#7 Matt G.
Beginning vocals were GREAT!
And the great singing continues, even if he can’t dance, he’s doing just enough moving without looking too awkward. Ok, ow, that yelly part was WAY off key, in fact, I’m pretty sure that sound didn’t exist until just now and the only thing that’s going to repeat that noise is the trash truck picking up a dumpster tomorrow at 5am.

Ok, my DVR cut off the gay Elvis Rooster (AKA Adam Lambert) so I didn’t see his performance. Megan kindly directed me to the American Idol website to watch the video. I don’t know if the TV version was different than this video I’m watching online, but did it look like he was taking a dump on stage at the beginning to you guys too?
The lighting is crap.
Wow, this song would only be more boring if Scott was still on the stage.
Do I even know this song?
What was the standing ovation for exactly? It looked and sounded to me like a really crappy performance I would’ve seen during a musical at my high school.

ANYway, so Scott ended up getting booted and in the words of David:

I BET HE DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING!!





Previously Titled: Boring Snoozefest (AKA American Idol) Review

Last night’s American Idol song theme was “Songs sang like a bunch of pussies” or something like that.

Tonight I had a guest “judge” at my house, Jen (AKA Jen Anandi Tallman).
Jen (for those of you that live under a tarp in the forest) has been my friend since kindergarten – with exception of a week or two when Elizabeth warped my mind – and so not only do we think alike, we also act like elementary kids and laugh at nothing.

So the show starts and here are the judges and WOW.
Jen “Whoah, Randy, 1973 called, it wants its sweater back.”

OMG what in Bedazzled HELL is Paula wearing!? That dress would only be more obnoxious and cheap if Jewel herself was actually embedded into it.

So tonight, because the judges yap too much, two judges are going to talk at the same time. How is this going to work, I mean, it’s bad enough when just one of them talks at all.

Camera panning over the contestants…oh, Anoop’s still here! I forgot!

This week’s washed-up celebrity singer “coach” is…WTF?
Quentin Tarantino!?
Um, right, cuz he, um, sings? No? Ok, so he must produce singers. No? He maybe has slept with some singers. Yeah, he has money. A woman would need to get PAID to sleep with that Neanderthal. Or is he gay? Then girlfriend would need a lot of Gucci to…I bet even his penis has a big forehead.

Sidenote – If you have the money and you are the less attractive person in the relationship, guess what, you’re getting PWND.

Jen says “WTF is he there for?! He made a bunch of movies that didn’t make any sense. Critics only praised him because they were too afraid to say they didn’t get it. I don’t get it.”

Back to the “mentoring”…because, if anyone should be lecturing contestants on a singing show, it’s a guy who made a movie about a girl with a machine gun for a leg.

What in the shit!? What is on Q.T.’s FEET!? Did you see those tanks!?

#1 – Allison
Uh oh, Pebbles is back! I guess it’s just that she’s too young to have watched that show and has no idea that she looks like a cartoon character, which BTW isn’t helping mature her image AT ALL.
She will be singing “I Don’t Want to Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith and I’m kind of excited to hear her performance, you know, assuming she actually SINGS it. Ok, here we go…
Hmm, I think I’ve heard this performance before…yes, it was last week. And the week before. And the week before that too.
First of all, the song started out to s l o w and quiet –Yeah, I hate it when she yells, but she wasn’t really singing the beginning, she was just saying the words.
Then, when it picked up speed (and volume) she, yet again, just yelled her way through it. That would be fine for like, one, maybe two verses, but no.

Haha, Paula told Allison she has “special sauce”. I think Paula needs to lay off her own special sauce.

Hey Randy, Charlie Brown called, he wants his sweater back.

#2 – Anoop
He is singing “That song from Robin Hood that EVERYONE was tired of hearing 15 years ago and STILL TOTALLY IS”
Sidenote – What in Frankenstein HELL is on Q.T.’s feet!? I mean, really!?
Hey Lip Sweat, looks like someone forgot to teach you that when you are singing the words “about you” it is pronounced “ahh bowt ewe” and not “ahh bow chew”.
You know, I was actually slightly pleasantly surprised (I’m a tough bitch to impress) but his performance wasn’t TERRIBLY boring. Perhaps I only paid attention to see if he would trip over his tie (it was REALLY LONG).

Kara’s outfit is SO BORING this week. Which I guess balances out the two nitwits sitting next to her that are wearing INSANE CLOWN COSTUMES.

#3 – Adam “COCK-a-dildo-badhairdoo” Lambert
I bet the background on his cel phone is Pete Wentz lovely lady lashes. Trust.
Ugh, just looking at this choad makes me want to pour acid into my ears and set fire to my eyeballs and then fuck the business end of a rake.
He’s “singing” “Born to be Wild”.
Well, he’s certainly not going for singing prowess this week. Jen followed that up with “Maybe he thought it was an eyeliner contest.” rofl
Oh dear, it looks like Paula was studying her inspirational page-a-day calendar before the show. Simon said “That was a very brave performance.”
Yeah. It was very brave wearing those pants and dancing around in front of Ryan not knowing if he was going to bend you over the judges’ table and toss your salad.
Shit. Sorry.

Randy, my 3rd grade teacher called, she wants her sweater back.

#4 – Matt G.
Singing “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman”
UGH, NO! Pussy song!
Yeah Ryan, Quentin Tarantino DOES have a lot of energy. Coke is one helluva a drug.
Dang, this song is gonna be BO-RING.
Whoah. I think Ryan must’ve snuck under the piano. Someone had to have done something to make Matt squeal like that.

Uhh Randy, Mr. Rogers called, he wants his sweater back.

#5 – Danny Dorkey
Yikes, look like Ryan’s sniffing some of Q.T.’s magic powder.
And it looks like Q.T.’s gone on to LSD or something because he just said something about hand energy coming out of Danny’s eyes.
Uhh, I’m still not quite sure what song Danny sang. How am I supposed to know it was good if I don’t know how shitty it sounded when it was popular!?
Danny’s not wearing his glasses. Is he going to be ok? He’s got his eyes closed a lot so I don’t know how his fingers are going to be able to come out of his eyes.
Jen didn’t recognize the song either, but she did say that it sounded like every other song on the radio that she hears and immediately changes the station.

Hey Randy, Cliff Huxtable called, he wants his sweater back.

The camera panned the crowd to Christina Applegate and Jen thought I said “Christina Applebees”. For whatever reason this was HILARIOUS for at least a few minutes.

WHOAH, why is Randy giving Simon a lap dance!??

#6 – Boring McBoringson (AKA Kris)
Does this kid ever frown? He’s got that perpetual smile like someone snagged him while fishing and didn’t take the hook out.
I’m not sure what song he was trying to sing.
I’m pretty sure he didn’t know either because he mumbled through at LEAST ¾ of that song.
This was MONUMENTALLY boring.

Hey Randy, Sweden called, they want their national flag back.

#7 – Lil Rounds
Who wants to guess that the judges tell her they don’t know what kind of artist she is and that her personality needs to come out in the song and she “can blow” but isn’t doing as well as she did in the beginning of the competition?
She is singing “The Rose”. I’m actually excited because though Bette Midler has a serious voice and large persona, the song itself is subdued – so this is Lil’s chance to ROCK IT OUT like we’ve been hoping!
Did that seem pitchy to you? It was ok, seemed like she was straining to stay in tune.
Overall? Meh.

So here’s my rankings
7 Kris
6 Danny
5 Matt
4 Lil
3 Anoop
2 Allison/Adam
1 Randy’s sweater

I predict that mainstream America doesn’t agree with my ranking AT ALL and the bottom three will be: Matt, Lil, and Anoop
Maybe substitute Allison for Anoop.
Going home? Lil

And in closing…

Hey Randy, National Airport called, they want their runway back.





Previously Titled: And America voted off….

So we’re at the point where it’s really hard for me to write an entertaining review. Not that it really matters since I can’t even manage to write the damned thing before the friggen elimination.

Since most of the singers are pretty good, there’s not much to pick on in terms of vocal prowess. I am pretty much guaranteed to hate at least one costume a week, so that’s good.
I am consoled by the fact that Paula will produce something barftastic each week and make my life complete with her “wisdom”.

This week is “disco fever” and…oh dear Barbara. I just had chills at the thought of Emo Barbie (Adam Lambert) singing a disco song.

Damn. The wardrobe people must done all of their acid LAST week because this week the judges costumes are pretty tame. I mean, Paula stole a page from Michael Phelp’s mom and is having a “very Chico day”.

So I am glad that the judges saved Matt, he’s one of the few contestants that I don’t hate. Although I still make fun of him every week. Come on, you can’t tell me you haven’t sat there through his girly pitched rendition of AnySong and gone “Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooole. Moley moley mooooooooooooole” Austin Powers style.

Singing in the #1 spot this week is Lil Rounds with “I’m Every Woman”
Whoah, she’s really bringin’ it. I think she FINALLY did what the judges wanted her to do, take a diva singer’s song and throw just a bit of a twist on it.

That is one BRAVE outfit she is wearing and I must give her props. Jumpsuits usually make a girl with a big behind look like a “little person”. She doesn’t look PHENOMENAL or anything but it’s not gross.

I think she rocked it out and did a pretty good job on the song. She got overshadowed a bit but I think her performance made up for the little lack of singing “booyah” if you will.

Aaaaaaaaaand, the judges are tearing her apart again. WTF? Really Randy and Kara? You’re pulling that “What kind of artist are you?” crap AGAIN!?
Dang, if Lil’s eyes were lasers the judges would be bitchy, toasty kebabs.

I’m sure my friend David (Sklarin) will tell me that he HATED her vocals and she sang like shat. I stand by my opinion!

Singer #2 Kris with “She Works Hard for the Money”
Oh crap. I am liking this performance. This is odd for me because I usually want to hear a song in its original form but also want it to have its own twist and Kris is singing this disco song with a Santana feel (Paula actually called something correctly this week!)
I like it.
There, I said it.
I’m not saying his vocals were amazing, they were ok, but after Simon saying Kris’s version was unique and original, I get their point about Lil.
When I’m wrong I say I’m wrong. I still enjoyed Lil’s performance though.

#3 Danny singing “September”
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz “Yes, I’m a natural blue” Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz “The sea monkeys have my wallet” Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I would’ve fast forwarded through that song if I wasn’t doing this review.
Now I wish I had anyway, I won’t get those 2 minutes back.

#4 Allison doing “Hot Stuff”
Oh thank 7 pound 9 ounce baby Jesus her hair doesn’t have a stiffy this week.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the hair color actually was brilliant because I think America, who likes to label, would’ve pegged Allison as “Hispanic” if her hair was natural and it would’ve hurt her chances.

Back to her performa…oh honey, no. No, sweety, your jacket, it has, tentacles.
And your sequins, they do not match the beige dead stingray jacket.
And there is not only leather but also latex and I think I’m getting sea sick.
Her performance was pretty good I guess. The usual yelling throatiness and sparse singing. I think she has a good singing voice, really good, and people are always commenting on her age and that she can really sing, it really reminds me of another young and extraordinarily talented singer whose name rhymes with Bustina Baggylara…BUT Allison doesn’t really sing that often.

So did y’all hear this? Paula again recently claimed that she has NEVER BEEN DRUNK and has NEVER DONE DRUGS.
Oh look!! Sparkly unicorns are flying out of my ass!! YAY! Who wants a ride on the pretty ponies?!!?

This is what Paula said to Allison word-for-word:
“Allison, the word compromise does not even belong in your musical vocabulary and because of that the edginess that you brought – I don’t mind the arrangement at all because it does not at all veer away from your authenticity.”

Verbatim.

I wish I still did drugs so I could get my hands on whatever ecstasy/vicodin cocktail someone has been slipping into her NEW SPECIAL EDITION COKE GLASS!

#5 Adam “If I were any more gay I would be a Judy Garland dildo” Lambert
I hear he sang “If I Can’t Have You”
Hmmm? What? I’m sorry I was over here checking my Facebook messages.
Is he done? Could someone get him some Afrin cuz he seems to have some kind of nasal blockage.
Thank God THAT’S over.

omg Paula’s crying. Oh honey it’s ok, I get all emotional when I’m all narc’ed up too.

#6 – Matt G singing “Stayin’ Alive”
Do you see that? It’s the judges kicking themselves for saving your ass last week.
Well he’s not going to get any points for originality, that’s for sure.
This can’t POSSIBLY keep him in this competition. Bye bye little soulful white dood. I will miss your “Justin Timberlake’s uglier brother” moleface.

Wait, Simon didn’t like that performance?
I am SHOCKED. SHOCKED I tell you.

#7 – Oh yeah! Anoop’s still here! I keep forgetting about him.
My husband referred to him as “Apu” *snort*
I like the scruff actually, but your outfit is saying “Pretty in Pink” a la James Spader
Um, what the deuce is he singing? What’s that? “Love Don’t Come Easy”? Really? Did he already start? I can’t tell.
I agree with Simon, that was definitely mediocre.

Based on today’s performances, here’s my ranking:
7 Anoop
6 Matt G
5 Danny
4 Adam
3 Lil
2 Allison
1 Kris

And I think America will send home:
Anoop and Matt

Turns out America agreed with me about Anoop but in lieu of Matt they actually sent home Lil. I’m a little surprised but not too upset about it. I like her but I’m not wild about her. I’m actually not sure I would buy any of these twerps CDs, I wouldn’t mind hearing them on the radio though.

I’m pretty sure Adam is going to win this thing.
David made a good point though, he’s going to redefine scrEaMO





Previously Titled: American I-dull

Oh my gwarsh! We’re at the Top 5 already!
Can I just say, I wish Alexis Grace was still on the show?

Oh my, Paula seems to be expecting someone to unwrap her. Oh ugh, I need some mental bleach and full frontal lobotomy after that thought.

Yay!! Allison finally dumped the Pebbles Flintstone look and her hair looks awesome!! Looks like she borrowed one of Paula’s old dresses though.

It is “Rat Pack classics” and the guest celebrity coach tonight is……………Jamie Fox! Is it two X’s? Jamie Foxx? Does it matter?
Anyway, I LOVED Ray. It was traumatic and tragic and mind blowing and I think he did an amazing job.
I remember I watched it with Bart when we first started dating and it was at this really emotional part and we both looked at each other and saw that the other was thinking the same thing and we both busted out crying.
Awww.

Ok, back to the bashing:

#1 – Kris

Wait, I might have to change my mind about Jamie FoxXxx – he said Kris is his #1.
There’s some joke involving poop there (#2!) but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Ewww.

I’m sure some people (women? men? dolphins?) like Kris’s version of sexy, but it kind of makes me think of one of those cute little toy-sized doggies that eventually run out of cute and overwhelm you with annoying yapping until you just kick the little fucker across the kitchen floor.
Not that I’ve done that.
But I sooooooooo would.
You know, with Kris.

Did he give a hand-job to the judges before the show? Were we watching the same suckfest?
He’s ok. Just ok.
I guess I’m just a superbitch.

#2 – Allison singing “Someone to Watch Over Me”

DAMNIT!
That’s it. I’m DONE!
I don’t like her.
I am SOOOOOOO over her.
I want to punch her in the tonsils in a vain attempt to keep her nasal “singing” at bay.

Hmm, it looks like Paula’s been sharing her happy pills with Randy.

Has anyone else looked at the name “Paula” lately?
I’m kind of hating how it’s just the name “Paul” with an A on the end. How lazy did her parents have to be?
“Well, we thought it was a boy and we were all settled on the name “Paul” so we just put an “uh” on the end. Paul-uh. Done.

Happens all the time.
Andre-uh
Carl-uh
Daniel-uh
Gabriel-uh
Gene-uh
George-uh
John-uh
Jordan-uh
Kyle-uh
Leon-uh
Louis-uh
Lyle-uh
Marcel-uh
Martin-uh
Norm-uh
Ramon-uh
Robert-uh
Shane-uh

Shit, where was I?

Oh right, the judges are high tonight, except for Simon, he is immune to Paula’s Vico-rays.

#3 – Matt G.

Love his outfit.
You know, I’m not sure I agree with Mr. Fox, I don’t think Matt knows how to sing in this key…?
I’m kind of cringing over here.
Oh! He’s got it now! Not sure if pulling it off this late in the song is going to fly, but I’m going to go ahead and start voting for him, only because I don’t want anyone in particular to win, but I don’t want him voted off more than I don’t want the other people voted off because I feel he represents me as a white person with soul.

Really? Simon has a boner for Matt? I figured he’d like that twink Adam, but ok.

# 4 – Danny.

Um, WTF Jamie Fox? I know famous people lose they damn minds but damn dood, you gotta lay off the dust. Didn’t Ray teach you anything?

Dannys song? Meh.
Ok, the last 30 seconds of the song were GREAT! If he hadn’t done that, no one would have given a tiny slimy SHIT.
It’s better to blow them away at the end rather than the beginning though cuz people are dumb and don’t remember shit.

Where was I?

#5 – Gay Rooster – Cock a doodoo douchebag

He’s going to ruin “Feelin’ Good” which FYI Michael Bublé sings like a hot tub of buttah.
Ugh, Princess is wearing a white satin suit.
BARF.
Just cuz you CAN yell like that, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
He looks like he’s been constipated for days.
Kara just called him sleezy. As a compliment.

Ok, I’m done. I hate them all.
The intertubes have REALLY extinguished any reason for this show.

Tomorrow I want Allison to go. Seriously if she comes back in 3 years I think she would be PERFECT, but she needs work.
Who will go tomorrow?
I’m going to guess that anyone would’ve rather polished a boner than watched that show and no one voted for Danny.

Is it over yet?





Previously Titled: I Went to Rehab for American Idol and All I got was this Addiction to Neosporin

So, have you heard the SHOCKING!!11one!! news!?!?
Paula Abdul admitted to a painkiller addiction!!!

Wow. That’s like finding out that Mariah Carey is vain, or Pete Wentz has a giant dildo collection, or Barrack Obama won the election!

I am stunned. STUNNED I TELL YOU!!

The thing is, I’m not sure she’s doing it right. From what she says, she has(had? Nawww) an addiction to Lidocaine.
Lidocaine? Did I read that right?
Isn’t that like being addicted to Orajel?
Is she injecting it into her brain area?
You have to be pretty damned stupid (*coughcheerleadercough*) to fuck up an addiction to narcotics.

ANYcrazy, I was glad to see that Kara DiLaguardia (or whatever) covered up her armpits this week. I don’t care if she just finished shaving her pits right before the camera panned to her, bitches with dark hair NEVER look freshly shaven. There’s always gonna be a shadow that looks like hair and I want to see that about as much as I want to see Adam GLambert’s bunny trail.
Oh EW.
Oh God.
I sure wish I had some Lidocaine to dull THAT mental picture. Ba dump-bump!

Ok, so Paula said she went to rehab “around Thanksgiving” of last year. So what I want to know is this: when exactly did she relapse?
Or is getting off Lidocaine as hard as getting off heroin? Cuz don’t you have to have methadone for about a year to get off the hard stuff? What is a less harmful version of Lidocaine? Bactine?

So at this point, I’ve already written a full page of notes and Mr. Fancy Pants (Ryan Seacrest) has only just announced the judges. And here I thought that I’d have nothing to say in the latter stages of competition!

Today’s guest celebrity mentor is…SLASH!!
From Guns N Roses? And Velvet Revolver? Really? Has he gone bankrupt or something? Did he lose all his money betting against that 50-1 horse?
Does he have HAMthrax!?
(That’s for you Kristi B!)

Listening to him jam at the Roxy (before the tots started singing) he totally sounded like Eric Clapton’s little brother of soulful rocky jazz. Yes, I do realize that made no sense to anyone but me and I’m ok with that.

So here we go with the “singers”:

#1 – Adam “GLAMBERACE” Lambert (That’s Michael K @ DListed’s term btw)
Oh dear God no. He is going to sing “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin.
LED FUCKING ZEPPELIN.
How exactly do you improve this song? (Spoiler: he doesn’t)
Well if I didn’t already hate him with every nucleotide and hydrogen bond in my body (sorry, I’ve been helping my kid with biology homework (not really)) I would DEFINITELY despise him now.
If you haven’t had the extreme pleasure of listening to Adam Lambert’s girly screamsinging, I invite you to picture Sebastian Bach from Skid Row, only wearing a tutu and carrying around a tiny little dog wearing a costume while walking a runway for Tyra Banks.

I just got diarrhea watching him do his eyes-half-closed-lip-curl barftacular “sexyface”.
Yep, I think I just shit out my will to live.
It’s like I have a colonoscopy tomorrow and Adam Lambert is that gallon of nasty shit I have to drink the night before. (Hi C!)

That look on his face while the guitarist was doing a solo? That was uncalled for and I would appreciate it if American Idol replaced my 46” HDTV because I just carved a giant penis into the screen and then barfed on it.

Kara, Adam GLambert is not a rock God, he is a Fairy ButtPirate Princess.

You guys, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep watching this show.

#2 Allison Screamberelli (I’m on cough medicine, give me a break)
Oh! She’s going to sing Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby”! I think I might really like this performance!
Of course, EVERY time I say that I end up totally hating it because just like the producers take the best clip of the performance to create the vote-for-me slideshow, they tend to put an excellent clip of rehearsal and then the live performance tanks like that plane that landed in the Hudson and then water taxis that almost ran over people in the water.
Um, what?
Oh right, Allison! I actually like her look tonight, except for the shiny pants, cuz, hon? We want to minimize the hip area. Not put big gold pilots wings on our ass cheeks, mmkay?
I am liking her performance, she’s actually singing parts of it. You can really tell she is connected to this song, I think because she knows she is as good as Janis. Whoah, don’t hurt me, I mean this song, really, she’s clearly not as good as Janis in areas like drinking entire bottles of jack daniels, or wearing shirts without bras.
So I LOVED that performance and I think it was entire neighborhoods better than Glamberace’s performance. And of course the judges weren’t as impressed as I was.
Even Simon said Adam’s performance was more unique. I’m sorry, maybe if someone kicked Allison right in the coochie while she was singing she would high-pitched-scream as much as Adam but really, who wants to hear that shit!? Oh right, everyone but me apparently.

Oh, so tonight the contestants are also pairing up to do duets! These aren’t going to be judged, they just needed some more show to make sure that my DVR cuts off the end of the episode.

First duet of the night is Kris and Danny. Oh good, Paul Simon and Teddy Pendergrass singing “Renegade” by Styxx. This should be interesting.
Nope.
What it was, was off-key and painful.
I liked Kris’s singing better, and Danny was Kenny G’ing it a bit too much for me.

#3 Kris
Whoah boy, could someone not let him talk? Because it’s pretty hard to make me fall asleep when I’m eating ice cream but he managed to do it.
He will be singing “Come Together” by the Beatles.
Golly gee Mr. Wilson, these kids sure are ballsy.
I actually kind of liked Kris’s performance because you could just tell how much he LOVES the song.
I still want to hire an angry horse to kick him square in the jaw, though.
Is that wrong?
I’m such an asshole, I HATE it when people judge me based on my looks. I’m such a hypocrite.

Tonight’s Quote from Paula:
“Kris, it’s kind of risky to do a Beatles song but your artistic delivery on it is what makes it all it, it’s your signature’s all over it and that’s the difference between it – but honestly it’s what you do with a song and your imprint is what makes it truly compelling.”
FYI – this is also when Paula loses her fucking mind and acts like a zombie (please see pic below).
She follows it up with the word “deservant” or perhaps “deservent” I’m not sure seeing as how I’m not looking at her Alice-In-Wonderland version Word-A-Day calendar.

#4 Danny
Singing “Dream On” by Aerosmith
Oh SHIT!! Someone just ran over a cat with a lawnmower outside of my house!
No wait, it came from my TV!?
Oh SNAP! That was Danny Gokey!
And that was just the clip of him with Slash!!
Now that he’s performing the song for voting he’s hitting about 17 different notes where there’s supposed to be just one.
Wow, I never realized that Steven Tyler could sing until JUST NOW.
Oh no. Oh no, here comes the screaming…
Oh dear lord that was wrong on so many levels.
You sir, are no Adam Lambert.
And, if you think that was a good performance, DREAM ON.
Ok, now that those are out of the way, Danny overdid that scream so much so that I got hemorrhoids just sitting here on my couch listening to him.
Ryan says Danny has never been in the bottom three. Odd, I would’ve pegged him a catcher, not a pitcher.

ANYdouchey, the evening is ending on Alliscream and Glamberace singing “Slow Ride” by Foghat.
Are those two wearing the same boots? They went to the same hair stylist and are now wearing each other’s shoes? How very.
I’m thinking that all of these songs probably came out about a decade before Allison was born and that makes me queasy.
And those pants, Adam? Please do not turn around whilst wearing them, it makes me question physics.
These two singing together is like putting KISS and Prince on stage together. And adding Crystal Light. And Fairy Dust. And Summer’s Eve.

Ok, so who is going home? I voted for Allison about 17,000 times because she’s been in the bottom 3 for about 7 months now and at this point I think I want Danny Croaky to go home and buy a sauna and 9 years worth of Vix Vaporub and make a CD in 10 years.

Who should go home based on that performance?
Adam. It was SO way Cruise Ship meets gay bar meets Slip-N-Slide meets Grease the Musical in some redneck high school in Missouri meets KY Jelly.

Who will America probably vote off?
I’m going to roll the dice and say Kris.

p.s. If this is what sober looks like, I’ll have what she’s having.
“I’m sotally tober!”





Previously Titled: Zzzzzz I mean, American Idol Review!

Dang, last week’s Idol was chock full of stuff to make fun of and this week was a let-down not unlike going to Hooters and being seated by a major hottie and then finding out your actual waitress is a troll.

So, as usual, when I hit Play on the DVR the screen goes blank and I have a mini-aneurysm thinking that the episode didn’t record or got messed up, but it started playing.
Only later did I kind of wish that it had been deleted.

So, Randy Jackson ALMOST looked nice this week, even though he’s wearing that same damned necklace again that the kindergarten class of 1976 made for him, he was wearing a cute navy blue and white striped sweater…and then ruined it with these awful royal blue glasses.So close Randy, so close.

Kara decided to wag her armpits at us once again, and the puzzling thing is, her shirt (dress?) has SLEEVES. How do you have sleeves and still manage to show everyone your pits? Gross Kara, gross.

As for Paula, at first I started to make a joke about how she was taking the “crazy bird” comments too seriously as it appeared she covered herself in crow feathers, but at closer inspection, I think it was actually a top made of shiny black trash bags.

Oh, and for those of you that didn’t hear, Paula made a statement about how the article about her being a fiend for novacaine was mostly fabricated because she didn’t go to rehab.
That place that she went away to for a month and didn’t come home was a RESORT.
Yes dear, and those pretty white coats with long sleeves were DESIGNER JOHN PAUL GAULTIER!
You know she actually believes that. Trust.

#1 singer this week (in position only) is Danny Grope Me

Ew gross, no, I do NOT want him to grope ME.
I would kind of like him to grope a hungry tiger though.

He is singing “Dance Little Sister” by (I had to look this up) Terence Trent D’Arbys Roast Beef.

I don’t recall ever hearing this song, and yet Paula said this D’arby guy sold a million copies of something and yet when I Googled this guy all I got was stuff about the Rolling Stones.

Anyone?

I’m pretty sure while Danny was singing, Michael Bolton called up a buddy in Jersey and told him there’d be some cash in the dumpster at Joe’s Auto Repair in Trenton if he wouldn’t mind paying Danny a visit late one night.

I would never pay money to hear Danny sing. I’m sorry, I’m just not interested, and this song, UGH, it’s so BORING and cheesy and…well just watch this rap:

What is going on between Danny and Paula? Danny could walk out on stage, drop his pants, take a steaming dump on the mic and Paula would stand up, dance, and then gush over his amazing performance.

I’d almost rather listen to Milli-Vanilli.
Almost.

Oh no. I just realized that if I dislike Danny Gropey, HATE Adam GLambert…then that only leaves Kris, the Little Contestant That Could.

#2 Kris (speak of the little pseudo-gay devil)
Randy and Kara think Danny should sing “Apologize” by One Republic.
I NEVER recognize songs by their titles or artists, but usually when they start playing I go “OH YEAH”.
Except for Danny’s song. I said “Oh. NO!”

So Kris wasn’t really hitting the right notes, and it pretty much sounded like the original song, except not as good.
Prolly not the best thing for his career.

And WHY in the clip of him in his hometown did he have blue nail polish on half of one thumb?
The hell?

Even if Kris sang a completely different melody to this song, I really wouldn’t want to hear it because this song was so damned overplayed. You know, like ALL of them.

This performance did absolutely nothing for his chances of staying on this show for the finale. Danny’s singing quality was better (he hit the right notes) and that schmuck still hasn’t been in the bottom 3 so CLEARLY he has lots of family members to vote for him.

# Adam Glamhurt
Where is he even from? He didn’t have much of a hometown clip, probably because nobody wanted to see him again? No, that’s just ME.

Simon picked U2’s “One” for Adam to sing, let’s see what Glamberace does:(OH, now I see, Kris was borrowing Adam’s nail polish)

Wow, this song is boring. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

When is he going to start singing like a female Pomeranian?
Oh.
There it is.

WHY?
He can sing. I think. I mean, that one time he did that one song where he didn’t even yell once? Even though he was singing high enough that deaf people could hear him, some of the other notes were quite good. Why can’t he just try to sing a song instead of Cabaret’ing the fuck out of it?
And WHY do the judges always like his performance? Sure, he’s not boring to watch (all the time) but watching a midget set himself on fire isn’t boring either but it doesn’t mean said midget should win a fucking SINGING COMPETITION.

I have one word for Adam:ProActiv

So I started fast-forwarding through the Idol Gives Back stuff and then realized I should be reviewing that part too so I watched most of it. Unfortunately.
Dang, is Carrie Underwood awkward around a bunch of dark people speaking another language. She is no Ryan Seacrest!

Question, if the program funds mosquito nets for beds to help prevent malaria, why are they not also sending malaria medication?
Jus’ sayin.

Ok, so we’re back around to Danny Croaky again and he chose to sing “You Are So Beautiful”

No.
Stop it.
You are not going to give a touching performance. The only touching involved will be when Paula sees you after the show. Or you run into Kris and Adam in the shower.

WHO actually wants to hear this damned song ever again!?!? If you’ve been to one wedding, you’ve been to them all and they ALL play this damned song at the reception, am I right!??
And it sucks.

It just occurred to me that I don’t want to vote for any of these fuckers. I remember the 2nd or so season of Idol when that fatty and the “I won’t say I’m gay but you all know I’m gay but I’m going to deny it but I’m really gay” guy won – it was about halfway through the season when I stopped watching because I didn’t care if they were all in an airplane that went down over Guam.
I kind of feel like that right now.

It’s Kris’s turn agai…whoah. Hey, um, he um, kinda looks, uhh, you know…hot.
He’s just wearing jeans and a longish black shirt but, what the hell? I don’t know but he looks hot.
Of course, the close-up revealed his black shirt is sparkly, but I’m going to ignore that for now.

Did he just say he’s singing Kanye?
He’s going to sing “Heartless”?
A rap song?
Well ok, it’s not really rap, but still…

Vocals started out really nice but is he only using the acoustic guitar the whole time? I mean, I appreciate that it’s different but I think it would’ve worked with a little more instrumental stuff going on, softly, but a little more.

Krap. I think I have to vote now.
Yes, yes I have to vote for Krissy. I liked this performance.

The originality of this one almost made up for half of the boring song he did before.
Almost half.

I know it’s useless to vote for Kristal, but still, I tried. I mean, he plays the guitar, piano, and um, he’s uhhhh, not Adam or Gokey.

UGH. It’s Adam’s turn again.
He’ll be torturing us by turning the Aerosmith song “Crying” into “Screaming” by GLamberace.

Shit, I just wish Itchy and Scratchy (you know, the Simpsons’ cartoon characters) would run on the stage and run a steamroller over him and then shoot his body repeatedly with a nail gun and then take his hole-riddled carcass to a sewage plant and use it as a filter for feces and used toilet paper.

Meanwhile, I just vomited in my mouth a little cuz he just did that disgusting lip-curl.

Could I drive the steamroller?

The only satisfying part of the performance (other than after it ended) was when the back-up singer oversang him and it sounded like a train wreck in Union Station.

Adam spent the last 2/3rds of his performance screaming with his tongue out and inducing nausea in my living room.

I am now REALLY GLAD that next week is the very last week of this season.
I mean, I know he isn’t going away, but I won’t be blogging his life anymore 🙂

Honestly though people, WHY do you like him so much? This is a SINGING SHOW. Not a drag queen competition. NOT a screaming competition. NOT a hair and make-up competition.
FML!!

And fuck Simon for reminding people to vote for Adam and not just expect him to get through.
That was my only hope, that you assholes that keep voting for him get cocky.
Or maybe your cockys would be busy getting assholes and you’d forget to vote.

After seeing the playback at the end of all of the songs from each contestant, I think Danny should’ve sang/sung “Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder, even though I LOVE that song and I’m not a Danny fan, I think it would’ve worked well for him.

My apologies that this week’s review is not hilarious, but I re-read my previous reviews and you guys, they weren’t that funny in the beginning, only a few of them made me laugh out loud and this one makes me sad.

I think I may need to eat lots of potato chips.
And a piece of chocolate cake.

I gotta make a phone call and then drive up to Jersey.
Until next week…





Previously Titled: Belated American “Idol”

(Disclaimer: I posted this from my phone so excuse any isses)

Oh dear God.

Randy Jackson, shame on you.

You know how they say take one thing off before you leave the house? You should’ve removed at least 3.

Here’s my screenshot of the atrocity that is Randy’s “outfit”. As someone
(David?) said, “Did that blind kid dress him?”

Kara’s earrings were so big and heavy they actually altered the pull of the moon.

Paula was wearing a shade of green that can only be described by this
picture of Adam:

Simon actually managed to put on a collared shirt AND a jacket. Of course,
he had to leave the shirt unbuttoned just enough that I’m questioning my OWN
sexuality.

So Adam is first and they’re showing clips of his family talking about him
being a screamer since day 1. I’m not shocked to hear it but I wasn’t
expecting to hear it from his Dad. Ew. Brain bleach please!!

So he’s singing a song he’s already performed in this competition, called
“Mad World” and it blows chunks just as hard as it did the first time I
wasn’t paying attention to it.

The good news is he’s not screaming through the entire song. The bad news
is he’s still acting like he’s in a play on stage in high school. Not even
dinner theatre. I’m sorry, I just don’t like it. It just screams SCHMECKLE!

He’s wearing a black trench coat. He looks like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix,
only if you also add Johnny Depp’s version of Willy Wonka , and Cher.

Kris’s turn now, he’s going to sing his previously sung “Ain’t No Sunshine”.

Could we Botox his face? Just the right side? We can use any leftovers on
Paula’s mouth.

I’m not thrilled about this performance.

Paula stumbled through giving him a verbal blow job.

Now Adam is going to sing “Change is Gonna Come”, chosen by Simon Fuller
(different Simon, people). Kris seems so much more authentic.

Is it wrong that I think Adam’s Dad is hotter than Adam?

So I really have nothing to say about these guys performance. I mean, other
than this.

Kris is singing “What’s Going On”

Where’s that horse I requested last week to kick him in the jaw?

Oh.

Maybe it already did?

So the last song the guys are going to perform was written by Kara and some
other schmucks. Some inspirational boo-hoo positive message fest. Blech!

Adam’s going to butcher it first. Could someone put some Botox in his
forehead? Then explain to him that furrowed eyebrows does NOT equal “showing
emotion”.

Ugh, was that a Christian rock song??

Kris kind of sang it better, except the song was a bit high for him and he
struggled to hit the notes, the sound of his voice goes along better with
the inspirational crap than GLamberace.

I swear it sounded like all of the judges were giving him their let-down
speeches. Like, “You did your best” and “You should be proud of where you
are now” followed under their breath by “Cuz you can’t beat the Screamer.”

Kicker was, he won. He fucking won? Wait, are you sure? Cuz I didn’t
actually watch the results show.

I went to the Nationals game last night but I did DVR the whole thing and I
do have a few things to say about that show.

Later. You see how quickly I post these, right?

See, this is why I don’t have a real blog. That and I’d probably lose my
job if these reviews were visible to the general public.

Don’t worry Adam, this show left me with the runs too…

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