The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

Sweeeeeet bitchery of life at last I’ve found you…

Posted by The Bludge on January 20, 2010

Oh, happy day! American Idol is back!!!

American Idol was basically the catalyst for this blog, I would post a short review to Myspace and about two of my friends would read it.

The next season the review got a bit longer and a few more people started reading. I moved to Facebook and I don’t know if it was that season or the next (alzheimers) when friends that didn’t even watch the show would read my review! Yeah, my friends either did a lot of drugs, or are currently on drugs for “depression” and “ADHD”.
Or both.

So, what do I think about Paula Abdul leaving the show? I’m sad.
It’s pretty easy to poke fun at drug addicts, but I will miss her because she once danced around in LA Gear high tops and her music came out before my hormones really kicked in and made me the eye-twitchingly frustrating bitch that I am today, and that makes my heart-cockles all warm and muggy.

I’m not sure what to think about Ellen taking Paula’s place, I mean, other than “Hmm, I guess her ratings were down.”
There have been 2 shows so far and she hasn’t been on either one. I’m not sure how her presence will add value to the show, I’d still watch if it was just Kara, Randy, and Simon. But, it’s not called “American Judge”, which is good, since they’d have to kick off Simon since he’s a foreigner (“You’re as cold as ice…”).

Speaking of aliens, Tuesday’s guest judge was none other than POSH SPICE!!!! How MAY-JAH!
I was too old to like the Spice Girls when they were popular, but then, I was 16 or 17 so I didn’t like anything but Tool and scowling (I would’ve gotten along well with Simon).
I have to admit, I’m kind of intrigued by Miss Victoria Beckham. I’m just waiting for her to pop open her cranial hatch to reveal the tiny, fat man working the controls for her robot body like that guy in Men In Black.

The first city of the season is Boston, Massachusetts. Home to a less-than-eleven-feet-wide house, the “Sacred Cod”, and, of course, the Molassas Massacre!

I think I’ve been to Boston before, but the locals saw my Yankees jersey (I’m not a fan, I just like being shitty) and, I’m pretty sure, drugged my beer! Probably it was that 12th beer they drugged.
*blink blink*
What?

SO, probably to the surprise of everyone on the planet, I am NOT a fan of watching people make complete asses of themselves on global television!
I hear you saying “But Evil Bludger, you LIKE making fun of people.” While this is true, it is also true that those people are pretty much putting me out of work. There’s nothing to make fun of, their stupidity is already apparent.
Well, I’ll give it a shot.

The first casualty of the night was Janet. Perhaps you will remember her Karaoke Idol playing, pink tank top, and at-least-one-kid belly pouch.

She was the first Bostonian to spew the heave-ily (yes) anticipated “wicked awesome”.
As a nod to my sort of New Years Resolution to not be so mean and nasty, I will say this about Janet: She is probably good at something other than singing.
What? It’s a long game of hopscrotch (typo and it stays) from Negative Nancy to Carol Brady.

Second was Maddy from Bluemont, Virginia is 16 and the 9th of 12 kids. My husband hears this and looks at me anticipating this next sentence “It’s a vagina, not a clown car.”

Maddy reminds me of my BFF that I’ve known since we were 5. Said BFF is watching this episode with me, which is great, it induces hilarity of Will Ferrell proportions (if you like him).
Anyway, Maddy’s voice sounds much more mature than I’d expect a 16 year old to sound.

Then came nasally-accented Patrick who “sang” and “danced” to Britney Spears ‘Womanizer’. If you missed his performance you could just watch Britney’s music video (they still make those, right?) because they equally suck.

Next up we have Sopranos extra (not really) Amadeo from Rhode Island. Amadeo’s a big dood and the second time I watched his audition I had the volume turned WAY down and it actually sounded ok, even though he was YELLING through the song. I loved Posh’s comments “You have a HUGE voice. Your voice is incredibly powerful, have lots of passion and you just seem like a really really nice guy.” Notice she said things that were neither compliment or criticism.

Then, Derek the blond spiritual guy’s blond hair auditioned for a part in a Suave commercial.

At some point during the show, Bikini Girl from last season was re-introduced. Thanks, producers! *wink*
Bikini Girl is a great example of “stand there and look pretty but please don’t talk!”

Whoops, that wasn’t the pic I meant to post…
(p.s. How awesome is that “Coming up…” haha)

Self professed anime freak Mere Doyle sang Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart” and all of the children in Tanzania cried.

Also, Hot Topic’s discount bin called, they didn’t think their image could get worse than it already was and they beg you to stop wearing their merchandise.

Two more guys made it through, Luke:

and some guy named Benjamin who wasn’t as cute as Luke.

Well, Andrew Finlan was quite a character.
No, I mean that, he was playing a character and why the producers felt the need to humor him by putting his face on TV I have no idea. He wasn’t even good at it. He was trying to act all emo and he came off as a cranky toddler with terribly fake glasses and it’s really no wonder that he’s auditioning for American Idol since I’m sure all of his auditions for actual acting didn’t work.
Oddly enough, my friend Jen’s cell phone text notifier is the sound of a gong, and halfway through Andrew’s performance, Jen’s cell phone gonged and we both looked at each other and said “IF ONLY” and then dissolved into laughter. (No, we didn’t dissolve, we’re ok, we just laughed is all).

Anyway, after that trainwreck, Ashley Rodriguez sang Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You” and I just love this girl’s teeth. They’re so white and perfect and pretty.

Some douche named Tyler sang “Let’s Get It On” which is one of my FAVORITE songs and I must’ve missed something because everyone thought he was GREAT and I didn’t like his singing, jeans, shirt, hair, wrist braces, or FACE.

That was the end of Day 1. Aren’t you glad you weren’t there?

Day 2

A very unfortunate Lisa Olivera croaked sang “Vision of Love” by Mariah Carey and I’m pretty sure she has Terets. Not that Terets is bad or funny, it would just explain a lot of her audition.
Truthfully, if I auditioned, she is EXACTLY how I would sound. Like that person at karaoke that everyone grimaces when hearing.
This gal was memorable though, when she turned around to leave, she had a BADONKADONK!! See? I told you she was like me!

At this time I think someone was pumping helium into my house because out on the audition floor walked Mike, an actor on a speedboat called “CODZILLA”.
Go ahead, read that again, I’ll wait.

Lemme tell you, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “I’m an actor on the boat, Codzilla” well, I could get change from a change machine.
I’m not sure what kind of acting is required on a speedboat…pretending you’re not barfing?
My friend Jen said “What does he act like?” (pretending she’s Mike) “I think today I’ll act like an asshole.” *gigglesnort*

Another girl made it through that is just too young and vanilla to be singing soul (but can and does anyway), Katie Stevens.

Before commercials they showed a guy YELLING at Simon, and when the show comes back and the guy is auditioning they actually MADE him yell at Simon, trying to get this guy (Joshua) to be more assertive. They liked his voice, I thought it was weak and pitchy.

Then, onto the stage comes Justin Williams from Utah…
Oh.
My.
Crap.
He is HOT.
Like, H.O.T.

He had cancer and even the pictures of him from the hospital look hot!! OMG!
He sang Michael Buble’s “You Know How I Feel” and I looooove me some Michael Buble (Thanks to my Canuck friend Janet).
My girlfriend Jen watching the show with me had me pause it so we she could stare at him for a while.

I hope you’re sitting for this next contestant…
Norberto, who looked like Latoya Jackson-according to Simon-was a TERRIBLE singer.
The best part was after he left the room Posh said, “He looked more like Janet.” BWAA HAHAHA
I knew I liked Posh.

As the day is winding down, on stage comes Bosa, a big Nigerian descendent was overshadowed by his mother’s headdress which was like a fabulous beehive of orange fabric.

Right here is when my house fell down the well of immaturity and somehow we ended up saying that my vagina is from Nigeria. It’s more fun if I don’t explain why, trust.

Sidenote, I must be turning soft because I kind of like Kara now, and I would like to tell her that purple is her color. That is all.

One of the girls auditioning has a degree in songwriting.
You can get a degree in songwriting?
BRB, I’m gonna go get me a degree in turning skeins of yarn into balls of yarn.

Ok y’all! I’m officially a degreed ‘yarn baller’!

One of the last singers was Leah, who sang a song called “Blue Skies” that I didn’t recognize at all.
I turned to my husband and said “Do you know this song?…cuz you’re old…” HAHA he did.

And there you have it…my week-overdue post. There’s been 2 more shows that have aired since this one and as soon as my face stops acting like a sewage plant, I will have more for you!!

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5 Responses to “Sweeeeeet bitchery of life at last I’ve found you…”

  1. Nanci said

    Whew…I was getting worried. The show rather blows this year so far, but this gives me a reason to continue to tune in. Fox should pay you.

  2. sammy said

    as usual, awesome blog! halarious! the latoya/janet/michael look=a=like almost made me piss myself (i saw the actual show on tv). you should go into journalism or write a witty column for newspapers. seriosuly, go get famous!

  3. David said

    for the record, it’s not officially American Idol if Eileen isn’t blogging about it.

    Oh, and songwriting degrees are not easy to get. They are about as useful as a toothbrush in England, but the people I know who were songwriting majors at Berklee in Boston had really hard classes…

    All I know is that somebody better start cawing really soon or I’m going to have to replay last season and pretend.

  4. Megan said

    Applause. Eileen doesn’t come on till February, as she wasn’t chosen to judge until after auditions. Anyway, this was hilarious.

  5. Megan said

    ha ha I meant Ellen.

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