The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

And then, there were Three

Posted by The Bludge on January 31, 2010

Three episodes of American Idol!!

Now we see what kind of talent Chicago has been holding back from us all these years. (*snicker*)

Chicago’s guest judge is none other than Shania Twain!!

Shania’s alright by me because long, long ago, we shared something very beautiful together.
Don’t tell my husband, but it’s still going on today!!


Truth is, we both have the same name.
I KNOW, right??!! Scandalous!
Shania’s really real name is Eileen, too.
Yep, we were both born to be old women.

Thankfully, the producers started out this show with a reason to keep watching, namely, Katelyn Epperly:

I’m not sure she really wanted to be there…it was clear she was comfortable performing, as they showed her singing at about the age of 7, but it seemed like she was only auditioning to make her mom happy about her husband leaving her for a younger woman.

Yep, that was the most heart-wrenching thing they could dig up about Katelyn.

Wow, I wonder what it would be like if my parents were divorced, that’s just so…gee, I dunno, I think the word I’m looking for is: common.
BFD, American Idol.
Anyway, broken-home baby could SING.

(Sidenote, do you think she was better looking as a brunette? Shakira had to go blond to make it mainstream too. What, you know it’s true!)

I know we shouldn’t pigeon-hole people, I just mentioned that in my last post, but if the next contestant, Amy Lang, wasn’t a total fag hag, may a giant ham fall out of the sky and bitchslap me in the face.

I didn’t get a picture of Amy.

You’re welcome.

Amy fell on the floor (on purpose) then got up and sang Dr. Feelgood, a la Aretha Franklin.
Fitting, as she and Aretha have 2 things in common.

*wink wink, nudge nudge*

Anyway, she did this thing that Kara dubbed “Boob-boxing” which is better left unexplained (the picture in your head is better, trust.) and Simon told her “They’re not going to Hollywood.”

The next 16 year old to wow the judges with her voice was Charity Vance, singing “Summertime”

Charity’s parents both do hair and they have a salon in their home.
Anyhoodle, she sang very well and made it through to Hollywood.

Trying once more to be the next American Idol (again again), was Angela “Warrant? What warrant?” Martin, who apparently has narcolepsy.

The judges were all blowing smoke up her ass but I thought it was about as entertaining as putting butter on a piece of wheat toast and then accidentally dropping it on the floor.

That was the end of Day 1 in Chicago and only EIGHT people got “Golden Tickets”.
Ya best bring it tomorrow, Chicago!

The first guy showcased on day 2 was named Curly; and to explain what his singing was like, I entice you to pull out some hair from your tender area and then pour scalding water down your pants.
That sound you’re making?
That’s Curly, in a nutshell.

The next waste of oxygen was Brian Krause, who claims to have sung (sang?) “for the troops.”

If by “troops” he means “other mental patients in the same ward” then sure, I believe him

I wouldn’t give him a job singing, but if they ever remake Rainman…

Harold Davis had a fairly good look and sang Usher…


Another surprise based on looks was John Park:

He had a nice deep voice but more importantly we found out that Shania Twain has a thing for asians.

The first thing she said was that he has a nice “bottom end,” and it went downhill from there, quickly.
Shania also said John has “a nice tone down there” and he “has a good head.”

Looks like she’s not having any problems moving on from Mutt.

Ms. Paige Dechausse had a jen-you-wine tear-jerker story. Apparently she has always had bad asthma and went into anaphylactic shock as a young girl and it was pretty touch-and-go, but I’m pretty sure she pulled out of it…

She sang Sam Cook’s “Change is gonna come” and made it through to Hollywood.

I know you guys have been sitting at your computers, impatiently waiting for another update, but I went to New York City y’all, and besides, you were really just looking at porn.

3 Responses to “And then, there were Three”

  1. Amanda Miles said

    LLOOOOVVEE your blogs!!! SO FUNNY!!!

  2. Dianimall said

    You da funny! Can’t wait to hang out, maybe some day I’ll get to actually WATCH AI with you…

  3. Nanci said

    Wait. So, are you saying that this ISN’T porn.

    Dang…I feel really cheap now, and I may need a year or two of therapy.

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