The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

I Bludge Thee, American Idol

Posted by The Bludge on January 31, 2010

I’m WAY behind on Idol, I know.
I was out of town, out sick, and out of internet.

Enough excuses, here’s my review of the SECOND episode (sorry again!) in HOTLANTA!!!

The guest judge today is Mary J. Blige!! I think she has gotten even better looking with age. Not that I took a picture or anything to show you guys.

First to torture and assault us voluntarily was Dewone Robinson, who is is related to famous people named Bob and Clyde, or possibly Clive. And you know how famous Bob and (possibly) Clive are, right!? OMG I was just saying last week “Damn, Bob and maybe Clyde are…………..wait, who are they?”
Anyway, Dewon pretended to sing an original piece (of shit).

Ya better hope Uncle Clydve is gonna support your ass, Dewone!

Second was the very curly haired Keia Johnson.

Apparently Keia was in a beauty pageant and received the “Miss Congeliality” (Mary’s words) Award! Simon wasn’t impressed, until she started singing. She sang “The Titanic Song” and while she didn’t crash and sink (ba dump bump), she could use a little more control and a little less yelling.

The next three girls all made it through to Hollywood, but were featured very quickly. Miriam L. was pretty but too boring looking to pause and take a picture of, as was Noel Reese who sang “Don’t Make Me Close One More Door” (if that is even the name of the song) and then, there was Tisha Holland, who could possibly have saved all of the survivors of flight 1549 on only one of her earrings.

Oh my dear lord, we’ve only just begun and I am already done with watching the contestants go up and down in the elevator because it’s glass and 27 stories up and I’m scared of heights and it’s freaking me out a little and…. *blink*
Ok, the Ambien kicked in, everything is alright now.
Suddenly I want to have sex with a golf player though…hmmm….

Jermaine Sellers, a very cute, very vanilla-well, as vanilla as a black dood can be-good singer (that was so vanilla I forgot to take a picture of him and his clothing from The Childrens Place) sang “What if God Were One of Us”. He made it through.

Next was Christy Marie, what an outgoing girl!
Outgoing through the GTFO door!

(I’m here all night, folks.)

Vanessa Wolfe was……….different.

She was from some podunk town in Tennessee and she was so nervous I thought she was gonna pass out in front of the judges.
Her Mom was nervous too but she didn’t have butterflies, oh no, “Instead of butterflies, I got frogs” she tells Ryan. I guess she felt right at home with him wearing his flannel shirt…

Speaking of rednecks, Jesse Hamilton WOWED the judges next with something he called “singing”.

It was not enough that Mary J. couldn’t stop laughing, but the producers added a “Cheap Dramatization” to explain Jesse’s 3 brushes with death.

I would bet money that he almost died just trying to spell “Hamilton”.

This next girl can best be described by this look:

Holly “Guitar Girl” Harden actually made it through to Hollywood, even though I wasn’t sure which key she was singing in when she attempted “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man”.

I’m pretty sure she had no idea either.

I didn’t even notice the next contestant, Mallory Haley, didn’t have nipples on her face for quite some time. I was so distracted that I didn’t take a picture, which I am currently flogging myself for doing.
Well, whatever she looked like, she sang “Piece of My Heart”, was 20, and from South Dakota.
And she was blazing hot.

I bet you didn’t know there’s a black polish guy!
It’s true!
His name is SkiiBoSki and even HE can’t spell it right on his own clothing:

He’s “phenonimal” (his words) and told the judges “I’m like the dollar store…you can have everything you want at the dollar store…in one package…it don’t cost you no mo’ than a dollar…I’m worth a lot.”

Um, what?

Just to piss off Simon (I hope) the ladies voted him through to Hollywood.

Turning up the stupid another notch was Carmen and Lauren

Did they meet at a beauty pageant?
If they had any more makeup on they’d have a front door on their face that says “Sephora”.

Carmen made it through to Hollywood, not only is she the hotter one, she can sing better than poor Lauren. Which is to say, she can sing three whole notes.

Bringing the talent (seriously) back in the room-but not necessarily the sexy-was Brian Walker, the po-po from some town that nobody cares about remembering. He sang “Superstar” in the style of Reuben Studdard (I don’t care if that’s spelled correctly).

So, you know how last year we were all shocked any time someone that could REALLY sing walked in, but they looked like their parents were a carp and a Cadillac?
Well, I’m trying to let go of that and Brian’s trying to help me by singing very well.
Why do we say “Wow, he sounds soulful for a white guy?” and then bitch about people that pigeon-hole young black men as thugs and rapper/basketball players?
It’s like telling your skinny girl friend “Girl, you need a cheeseburger,” but not telling your fat friend “Girl, you fat as fuck.”

Next, Lamar Royal brought it to the house. If “it” was ‘kerosene and sparks’ and ‘house’ meant “my earballs”.
Lamar yelled the words of “Kiss of a Rose” at the judges, then kept interrupting them when they tried to tell him he sounds like a hyena fucking a porcupine.

He was escorted out by about 7 graduates of the Jerry Springer School of Bouncing.

Bringing the show to a close was 62 year old General Larry Platt

By now, you’ve likely heard his new hit song “Pants on the Ground”.

Unfortunately, at 62, Larry is too old for American Idol, which is too bad, because he was about the most entertaining contestant since Norman.

Next up, Chicago! And then ANOTHER city, and then I think I might have caught up with the rest of you people that don’t have lives!

Until then, quit lookin’ like a fool wit yo pants on tha ground!

2 Responses to “I Bludge Thee, American Idol”

  1. Wayne Marshall said

    I put a screen grab of Mallory Haley on Flickr for you:
    Hope it helps!

  2. Shanika Heidenescher said

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