The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

Archive for February, 2010

And now, America, we vote.

Posted by The Bludge on February 25, 2010

OMG, we start voting now!?!?

*screeeeeeeeeee*



FYI – I will have pix maybe tomorrow, but until then…



Uh oh, Kara brought her batwings.
Yeah, I like her more this year but sleeves are a lady’s friend.



HEY! Simon’s wearing his undershirt as — get this — an UNDERSHIRT!!!



Ok, panning the girls before they perform, none of their outfits look TOO crazy…except Katelyn really shouldn’t be wearing Cher’s old bath wrap.


So I guess the girls are singing Billboard Hits? So like, every song ever made ever ever ever?


First up is Paige Miles, 24, from Naples Florida
Who IS this girl?? Have we seen her before??
WHY haven’t we seen her before?

She is singing “All Right Now”, yeah, a rock song.
Ok, she starts out singing it all tender and soft like it’s “Three Times a Lady” or something.
I think she forgot some of the words.
She also forgot she is NOT Christina Aguilera.
Run from the runs honey, run away.

I’m not impressed.
Also? Shortalls should be on the next ballot.
VOTE NO!!!

WHOAH NELLIE, Simon thinks this girl has the best voice out of all of the Top 12 girls.
Is she sleeping with him?

Oh my dog, she just told the MILLIONS of people watching TV that she’s been waiting to “pee”.

Wow.

No.


Ashley Rodriguez, 22, from Chelsea, MA.
I’m guessing, from her appearance, that she is from a wealthy neighborhood, yes?

She claims to be singing Leona Lewis “Happy” but moreso I think she is trying to hum to keep herself from passing out from nerves.
She’s very quiet, and is breathing into the mic a LOT.
Well, that’s ok.

Thank god she is GORG because that kinda almost sorta makes up for the singing.
Almost.


Janelle Wheeler, 24, from Orlando, FL
Ok, I’m eating a brownie, so the likelihood of me being nice just went up about 35%.
She’s going to sing “What About Love” by Heart.

BLEH!!

She did the same thing as that first girl, whoever she was, and sang all girly and light, then tried being badass, then all tender, then gritty and it just came off as bi-polar.
It was a bit shrieky and if I didn’t know better I’d think she had Parkinsons (she shook a lot with nerves).

I agree with Simon, when she was getting into the performance/singing she would overshoot her notes.


Lilly Scott, 20, Littleton, CO

Um.

I’m not really sure what just happened, but I think she was pitching a new kids show or something?
I don’t remember that song.
“Fixin’ a Hole” by the Beatles?
I spent the whole time trying to figure out if we had unlocked that song on Beatles Rockband.

Ok, so the singing was good and she seems kinda cool and all, but that was a totally irrelevant performance and it makes sense that Ellen LOVED it because she is much older than I am.

Also, Lilly is blond.



Katelyn Epperly, 19, West Des Moines, IA
She looks um, trampy.

So, YAY! lol

She chose “Oh, Darlin'” by the Beatles(?)

Wow, she’s really into it, but not in a good way.
She needs to stop snarling and cringing before I call for a rabies shot.
Maybe if she stopped doing it she’d look like a regular cokehead hooker instead of a cokehead hooker licking a car battery.
She was actually my favorite of the entire night, she really hit her notes, knew what she was capable of and did it AND was comfortable enough performing.



Haeley Vaughn, 16, Fort Collins, CO
Hmmm, she’s not going with country, she’s going to sing “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles.
Does she not know she’s 16?

Wow, this girl is cool, she’s playing guitar!!
And YELLING.

OW! What did we ever do to you, Haeley!?!?

Some of it is great but a LOT of it is her hitting these notes that are like when your kid is in the basement (and doesn’t have their cell phone) and you’re upstairs in your bedroom and they need you to remind them how to breathe because they’re friggen helpless little life-suckers and….oh sorry.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Haeley was yelling at us.

She did a good job for being 16 and singing and playing guitar on national TV. She even put her own twists on the song (prolly twisted a little too hard sometimes).

She just is so smiley and bubbly that I expect Hello Kitty dolls, puppies, Wonderbread, American flags, and bubblegum to come flying out of every orifice everytime she starts singing.

Whoah, did she just say ‘Pooter’ on national TV?



Lacey Brown, 24, Amarillo, TX
I can’t believe Megan “CAW CAW” Cockring beat her into the top 24 last year.

Oh no, Lacey is singing “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac.
Please, no.
Oh dear, it seems like the more she messes up, the more freaked out she gets and the more she messes up.
Song choice and singing were bad – but in the words of Paula, she looked great.



Michelle Delamor, 22, Miami, FL
Another girl that didn’t get any TV time on the audition shows.

She’s going to sing “Fallin” by Alicia Keys.
That’s pretty…ballsy, it’s a tough song.

Well, her version isn’t very unique, but at least she’s singing it well, and she’s pretty smokin’.

OH MY CRAP!! Lookit her sister!!
[There will be a pic here later of a teenage girl with HUGE hair and a cut sweatshirt hanging off of one shoulder]
She was probably BORN the year that look was popular.

So the judges irritated me by telling Michelle that the song was very challenging and it’s a tough song to live up to and then they said she should’ve taken more risks.
HELLO!?!?



Didi Benami, 23, Knoxville, TN – living in LA now.
WHY did Ryan intro her by saying she’s had a really tough year? If they’re still talking about her BFF that died FOUR YEARS AGO they’d better find another dead body cuz they’ve beat that one way too long.

What?

Anyway, Didi sang the same song she auditioned with, the one that includes singing that she will buy someone Rogaine when they lose their hair.
What.
The.
Deuce?
I love her voice, but that is a weirdass song.

Also, why is she wearing the couch cover?



Siobhan Magnus, 19, Cape Cod, MA

She’s a glass-blowing apprentice.
I actually know someone who owns a glass-blowing business, so hey, Siobhan, if you need a job, hit me up.
Simon said he thinks Siobhan is a “dark horse”.

ANYway, Magnusdottir (Siobhan) must’ve been possessed by the WTF bug because she chose to sing “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaac.

That song starts out REALLY LOW and she sounded like she was going to hock a loogie any minute it sounded so throaty.
Simon must be kicking himself in the ass for thinking she had a chance to come from behind and win this thing.

Wait, WHAT!?
the judges LIKED this performance?

No.

She is a bad horse.
A bad horse that needs to be shot.

(Ok, not really, I think she could make some cool music but that was just not coolio, man.)



Crystal Bowersox, 24, Ohio

GTFO!!
Crystal’s going to sing Alannis Morrisette’s “Hand In My Pocket”.

This is strange because *I* sing this song at karaoke because Alannis sounds like a fucking banshee and I can actually make this song sound better than the real recording.

I don’t know why Crystal picked this song cuz she would not have a problem sounding better than Alannis. (Nope, don’t care if I spelled the wailer’s name correctly.)

Before she sang, her preview/bio thingy said that she never watched the show before and that she was only doing this to get a bigger paycheck.
Sure, it’s honest and we know she has a baby but that was not really very endearing.

Anyway, homegirl played the guitar AND the harmonica and she got a standing O from the audience.



Katie Stevens, 17, Middlebury, CT

OH! She’s singing Michael Buble!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

I am not going to bother trying to find that little accent thingy for his e. Just pronounce it “Boob-lay”, ok?

Katie is singing “Feelin’ Good” and you HAVE to hear Michael’s version cuz it’s like Katie’s almost exactly, except with less skirts, ribbons, bows, boobs, and estrogen.

And with more sexy, handsome and dangly genitals.

I didn’t particularly like the performance, it seemed very campy and put-on, but I’m sure she’ll make it through.



So, I actually voted, when I wasn’t watching the episode and writing or taking pix (or eating cereal).
I voted for Crystal, Didi, Haeley, and my fave Katelyn


Now it’s 11:40pm and I have 20 minutes to watch the 2 hour guys’ show so I can call and vote.
Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

Someone tell me how to get the episode on my iPod so I can watch it at work tomorrow.
You know, on my lunch break.

*wink*


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Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Hollywood Week! Round 1!

Posted by The Bludge on February 24, 2010

It’s Hollywood Week y’all!!!


At the beginning, we have 181 contestants, which will have to be whittled down to 24 – 12 girls women females and 12 boys men males.


Ryan calls Hollywood Week venue the Kodak Theatre “The most high profile stage in the world.”

*eyebrow raise* ORLY?


So, yay! It’s Ellen Degeneres’s debut!! But can someone tell me why she’s making out with Ryan??

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I like Ellen.
I’ve liked Ellen since her FIRST fish impersonation (infishination?) about 20 years ago (OMG I sound OLD).
Also, her fly impression was good.
I never would’ve guessed someone with that quirky a personality would be as hugely famous as she is now.


Anyhooters, let’s talk about singers.
Did y’all happen to see any on Idol?
😀


So I apparently inhaled too much paint fumes at work today because Skiiboski actually looked…attractive.

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You know, until he started singing.
He later got cut, of course.


Katie Stevens is kind of a given. She’s young and cute and has a powerhouse voice.

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She does need more of a personality, but jinkies, she’s 17.
My personality at 17 was like the sound of nails on a chalkboard, and not just anyone’s nails, those ladies with loooong natural (read:disgusting) fingernails.


Aww HELL naw, I don’t mean like that, that’s just wrong.



Vanessa Wolf, from Vonore, Tennessee (why do I remember this useless shit?!?) did exactly what I thought she would do.
Suck.
I felt bad for her, but I think we all knew that she was going to be WAY too nervous to sing well, and she’d be all over the place. To be honest, she didn’t seem that good to begin with, I think her story was more compelling than anything else, even though it was just “I live in a trailer in the south.”
I am really not trying to dog on her, but I hated her hair.

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The good news is that she got to ride on an AIROPLANE!!
(she got cut BTW)


Cornelius “Pants Splitter” Edwards.
President and sole member of the Crotch-Slam-Dancing club.

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He attempted “Cowboy Take Me Away” by the Dixie Chix and dear god it was awful, I shouldn’t have to tell you that he was cut-though I just did.



They didn’t really show Maegan Wright’s performance but Kara said it was all over the place.
Also, I think the keyboard sounded very tinkery.
Tinkery. It’s a word (now).

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Amadeo, the large Jersey Rhode Island boy didn’t make the cut.



Janelle Wheeler didn’t ring a bell with me, meaning I couldn’t remember if she’d been showcased already.
She played guitar which I LOVE. Chicks that play guitar are cool, and even more awesomer when they also sing!!
Awesomer. Look it up.

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I can’t even sing and clap at the same time.
Anyhoodle, Ellen LOVED her performance. What a shock, it’s not like Ellen has a thing for blond girls or anything…




Haeley Vaughn, the adorable, squeezeable, future pop country singer was ok, she gets yelly, but I LOVED that she’s 16 and singing AND playing the guitar!! Even though it totally sounded like a eukelele. Weird.



Mary Powers picked a pretty good song for her voice, Pink’s “Sober.” I still think she’s trying too hard with her outfit though:

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Not really showcased at all but making it through another day was Todrick “Who’s My Daddy?”, Charity, and HOTASS Ashley Rodriguez. Good, I like them.

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On Day 2, beat-boxer Jay Stone spit and hiccuped into the mike and got cut.


Then we were introduced to Lilly Scott, a wannabe albino that can sing well and has clearly been doing so for a while.
She sang an Ella Fitzgerald number and made it through with ease, though she needs to open her eyes and connect with the audience – there’s only so far just being good at singing will take you.

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Big Mike Lunche (Type and it stays) was about to go on when his wife’s water broke.
How long ago were the auditions because his wife looked about 4 months pregnant then…?
He sang “Waiting on the World to Change” and played guitar!!

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I wonder if he has to have an extra large guitar?



Tim Urban was introduced, sang a David Cook song, and wasn’t really that interesting or good.

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I think this is him?



I think this Justin guy was the hot guy I remembered from before but it was hard to tell…

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I didn’t like his performance, which makes me sad. And every girl I know.


Some of my favorites were cut: Erica “Whip it. Whip it good” Rose, and sisters Amanda and Bernadette. Boo 😦


Maddy Curtis, the young, female Jesus sang a very churchy performance and proved that American Idol is NOT her bag.

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Casey “Take Your Shirt Off” James sang an original blues song while playing guitar-it was pretty cool!
I’m liking him a little more now, even though he was making faces during his performance.

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Didi Benami sang a song written by Kara called “Terrified” and I CRIED I loved it so much.

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I.
Cried.

I LOVED her voice and she was just totally IN the song.



Crystal Bowersox sang “Natural Woman” which has been sung SOOOOOOOOOooooooo many times on this show.
She was also playing guitar and being generally awesome, as was evidenced by the crowd of other contestants singing backup for her and giving her a standing ovation when she finished.

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Now I’m going to go take a few hits of Paula Abdul (she doesn’t do drugs, oh no. Now she IS drugs.) so I can quickly write up the Top 12 girls’ episode, even though I have 3 other episodes to catch up on, but fuck it.
Then I have to watch the Top 12 guys’ performances and blog that shit up too.
OMG.
*snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooortttttt*


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Check out these Ads! Oh, and American Idol.

Posted by The Bludge on February 23, 2010

Episode 8 “Road to Hollywood”

What IS this episode? Did Simon need to buy new undershirts (to wear as outer shirts) so they threw together an episode to sell ad time?

For those crazy enough to read my blog without having the enormous privilege of actually watching the show (call your shrink), or those of you reading that actually WATCH the show and are not five episodes behind (like The Bludge is) – this episode isn’t auditions from one particular city. This episode is just people they didn’t show us from all of the cities.

Yay?



Anyhoochie, let’s get to the peeps, shall we?


Jessica Furney tried out last season and almost made it to the top 24.
She sang a song co-written by Simon Cowell that isn’t just a recording of him saying “That was awful.”
This year she has a better look, but she looks like Anna Paquin and, well, that’s kind of unfortunate.
Well, at least she looks like someone famous!



Speaking of unfortunate celebrities, the next contestant sang like Britney Spears-but not for her actual audition.
I don’t remember what Amanda sang but I do specifically remember an overwhelming urge to choke that overly-dramatic whiny wench with her own hair, which she constantly flung around in a huff.


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Lee Dewyze, Crystal Bowersox, and Lacey Brown sang well and got through and were equally (not very) exciting.



Mensa member Stephanie has tried out for American Idol SEVEN times!

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Judging from her outfit she came straight from an 80’s-Madonna theme party.



Two more boring people got through, Rachel and Thaddeus.
Well, maybe they aren’t boring, but their footage was, for me.



OMG!! EVERYONE LOOKOUT!! IT’S BLONDZILLA!!!!

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Well, at least that’s what Adrian says is one of his many nicknames. He is six foot seventy-two or something (Ok, 6’8″).
I’m not kidding you when I tell you that he sang like a member of the Vienna Boys Choir, except without singing talent, just in a ridiculously high singing register…and it came out of that ginormo thing!



If you added 2 LLCoolJ’s, one Vermont Teddy Bear, and one Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson you would get the next contestant, Michael “Big Mike” Lynche:

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I was SHOCKED to find out that he’s a personal trainer!
I mean, that’s like if Keifer Sutherland drank a bottle of J.D. in front of you, it’s like, oh yeah wait…
This man’s arms are bigger than my head. Actually I think they’re bigger than HIS head.
They’re bigger than my butt.
Now THAT is BIG!



Didi caught my eye, and not because of her sob story about her BFF Rebecca dying four years ago.
Didi is blond…it’s always the blonds with me…anyway, she sang well, even though her version of “Hey Jude” was a bit weird. It had it’s own melody until she got to the chorus and it seemed like she hadn’t planned that far ahead.
She made it through to Hollywood.

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Sweeeeet.



Sob story award winner Aaron Kelly had shitstains for parents and was raised by his aunt & uncle and he sounded like such a nice boy!
Gross! I mean, awwwwww.
He sang Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb.”
GROSS!! Ok, just Miley’s version.
He has a total boy-band look and sound and made it through to Hollywood.

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Back-alley version of Katy Parry, Kimberly Bishop sang “Kissed a Girl” (SHOCKER!!).

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I take that back, as much as you think it’s not possible to butcher a Katy Parry song more than the released Katy Parry song is butchered, Kimberly managed to do it. AND flash the judges.

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My husband said she looks like a freak, to which I said “If you were that high, you wouldn’t care what you looked like either.”



American Idol had me going with the next contestant, Shaddai Harris. She is cute:

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but DAMN she could NOT sing.



Finally, Hope Johnson brought it home. She has a cool raspy voice-at least while she’s talking-and she seems really positive.

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The first show of the Top 24 started 50 minutes ago and I still have to post for the FOUR Hollywood Week shows!
GAH!!



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On soccer, fashion, and oh! American Idol!

Posted by The Bludge on February 19, 2010

So I’m pretty sure they’re picking the final four contestants I am SO FAR BEHIND.

Oh goody! Posh is back!

Sure, I was glad to have David Beckham here to play Bocce Ball or whatever-kidding!
I’m a soccer player (Note-I said soccer PLAYER, not soccer Mom)(not that there’s anything wrong with that) and while I don’t really watch a lot of soccer, I’m glad that soccer got a lot of extra attention when Dave came to the LA Galaxy.
Was he over-hyped?
I don’t know, I just told you, I don’t watch a lot of soccer.

Anyway, back to Posh-I don’t like referring to her as “Victoria” because when people say “Posh” you know who they’re talking about, you don’t call Madonna…..oh wait.
Posh is intriguing, I mean, how could FOUR boys have come out of that?!? I’m pretty sure that if she has ever accidentally ingested food it would immediately evaporate in the high-test acid in her body that can be the only explanation for this



Okay, so we’ve covered Major League Soccer (A.K.A ONLY League Soccer), pop icons, and fashion, maybe I should get back to American Idol, yes?

First up was Mark Labriola.

Oh good lord, with that name…
I can’t…I just…
can’t.

He thinks he looks like Jack Black, but I think he looks like the lead singer from that band Screaming Trees that got famous because he was like the ONLY fat singer EVER apparently (I hate you media).
So, Posh thought he was going to be a joke, but his performance was good.



Mario G. was garbed like a Seattle homeless man and had a continuous, ANNOYING giggle.

I’m pretty sure the entire city of New Orleans could’ve used his pants as a refuge from Katrina.
Did I mention he’s a nicotine addictions counselor?
What?!?

Note – I didn’t mention his singing. That’s because he didn’t do any. What he did was most definitely NOT singing.



I’m not sure what Kimberly Kerbow was singing…

…but it included telling Simon that she would buy him Rogaine.
The weird thing?
SHE was the one wearing a wig.


Though I liked Danelle, she was trying too hard to sing with a raspy voice because she was singing “I’m the Only One” by Melissa Ethridge, and she was yelling.

I think she cried more during her audition than Paris Hilton when she had to go back to the slammer




It was here that the producers decided to do a parade of losers that you are all REALLY missing out on because I can’t upload pix.
(Maybe if I made money off of this blog I could buy an actual computer that actually works!)


Apparently Casey James thought that this was America’s Next Top Stripper (A.N.T.S.!! I’m trademarking that!) because he ended up topless.
Actually, Kara and Posh were the culprits behind his disrobing.
His singing was much less exciting.



Thanks, American Idol, for showcasing yet another talented 16 year old that makes me wonder WTH I’ve been doing with MY life.
Though Tori is good singer, she was slightly outshined by the young Hope Star, who drew pictures of all of the judges FOR all of the judges. She’s maybe 9 years old and can draw better than I can…along with every child under the age of 4.


Representing the douchebag population and bringing the schmuck was Austin Paul.

Apparently he wants us to know that he is a (self proclaimed) useless football player.
Ok, maybe he didn’t use the term “useless”.
The judges thought he was as cocky as I thought and he didn’t make the cut. PHEW!


Wait. WTF is going on with Posh’s noggin!?

Why does she require a handle?
Is it for hauling her face out of the toilet?
HOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKK


Creating an entirely new genre of music was Kenny Everett

Soul Yodeling.


Oh. Dear. God.
Is the altitude in Denver to blame for this girl squeaking like she was trying to break all of the glass in that triangle thingy in front of the Louvre!?


You know, this thingy.


Speaking of helium suckers…

Nicci Nix came all the way from Italy to audition!
*blink*
Um, isn’t this called AMERICAN Idol??

Trying to be the first black pop country star was Haeley Vaughn.
She sang “Don’t Even Know His Last Name” and I think she sang it better than Carrie Underwood.
Carrie Underwear needs to stay out of her higher register, it’s just…screechy.

Killing my will to live, and the reason that ear bleach was invented, was Ty Hemmerling.
Ty was wearing only a girls’ bikini.
At least he wasn’t fat, but…

Sortry but i canlt seee tke keyhboarrd now.,
Eyyes burning,.
VCall rfor hewlp!


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A Picture is Worth Less Than $1

Posted by The Bludge on February 19, 2010

Bad news, I’ve had some technical difficulties and can’t currently post pix for my American Idol Bludges.
The good news, is that I never used to post pictures, so this might be funny anyway, though I doubt it.
Without further ado…


Lookit the guest judge y’all!
It’s Doogie Howser!!
Doogie says to Kara “My goal today, Kara, is to shatter the dreams of thousands.”
The Bludge: *rubbing hands together* “Eeeeeeeexcellent”



A repeat offender, Julie Keveligh, tries to catch the judges attention with an ice dancing outfit straight out of the Tonya Harding fashion line…with eye shadow to match (blue of course!). I imagine she sings as well as Tonya, too.

This gal attempts to sing “Black Velvet” (she enunciates like English is not her first language), then “Over the Rainbow” and finally, while the judges are shouting at her “NO! For the love of all that is good in this world, STOP SINGING!” at her, she sings “Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About”.
I’m pretty sure I’ve already talked about her enough.


Next up was Lloyd “Big Suck Sexy” (his words!) Thomas.

He’s an airline dock worker who says “The worst part about my job that I have, is my job that I have.”
*snortlaugh*

He can sing, but I don’t want to hear anyone say “Awwww, he’s a big teddy bear!” Jive turkey is fat.
Ain’t nobody see a big fat mama and say “Damn, she sexy.” No. They say, “Mooooooooooooo.”


Miss Kimberly Carver sang an original song that wasn’t quite original enough for Simon, who called her “boring, not current, and not interesting.”

The other judges, however, liked her and put her through. I like her personality and I’m looking forward to her wow’ing everyone in Hollywood.


Dexter Ward scares me
I wasn’t going to elaborate, there would’ve been a pic here to show you why, but since my plans were changed for me…Dexter Ward is in DESPERATE need of a gaykover (it’s like a makeover. For gays.) I thought the gay boys dressed well. This is cable TV!!! WHERE ARE MY STEREOTYPES!? I REQUIRE THEM!!


Erica Rose cleansed my eyeball palette by wearing not-a-lot of shiny black vinyl and using (not just carrying) a whip!
A WHIP!

I IMMEDIATELY forgot about that…um…*drool*…sorry, what was I saying?
Honestly, her face is so petite and cute, which fits, seeing as she was on BARNEY when she was younger…
*blink*
OMG, now I feel dirty.
Simon asked Erica “What’s your dream here?” And before she could answer continues “I know what MINE is.” ROFL
Ditto!!


Dave Pittman, from Arkansas (I hope you pronounced that ARR-CAN-ZUHS), has a nice voice and it’s not boy-bandy (it’s a word, now).
He has Terets but it doesn’t affect him while he’s singing, how cool is that!?
Also, he doesn’t scream obscenities, which is good for Fox.


Speaking of the NKOTB, Joe Jonas is Dallas Day 2’s guest judge.
Which one is he again? The gay one?


First on Day 2 is Todrick Hall
Why does he have two first names all squished into one? Was his mother not sure if it was Tod or Rick that knocked her up?
Stop throwing your shoes at me.

Todrick made up a song for/about the judges, and it was quite amusing-you’d have to hear it to appreciate it.
He’s a good singer and was apparently in “The Color Purple” with Fantasia, which is like saying you were Weird Al’s triangle player.


Continuing in the weird naming convention vein is Dawntoya Thomason.
Dawntoya.
Doesn’t that just flow right off of your…no. No, it doesn’t.


I don’t know about you, but I kind of wanted to punch Stephanie Daulong about the face to try and knock that gawd-awful headband off of her melon. It wasn’t so much a headband as it was a bandana wrapped around her head and then pushed up to make her look like she really should’ve fixed her hair after she got out of bed this morning.


Next up was Maegan Wright, who was channeling Martha Dumptruck a la “TEENAGE SUICIDE” (don’t do it) in a very LARGE-worded T-shirt. I don’t know what it said.
Kara thought, because of Maegan’s outfit, that she was going to be a joke!! OUCH!!
She made it through to Hollywood, though.
When her info popped up and read her occupation as “cosmetologist” my kid says “Is that like, a space person?”
*sigh* I wish I could say it was my younger child…


Malibu Barbie barfed all over Vanessa Johnston.
Seriously, her entire outfit-including tights/leggings and gym shorts-was BRIGHT PINK with some EXTRA BRIGHT BLUE and stuff mixed in.

Barf is pretty much how I would describe her singing.


Last, but not least, is poor little white black girl, Christian Spear(s?).

Stay with me here!
Poor, because she was diagnosed with Leukemia at age 4 (she’s been in remission for 8 years now, though!).
White, because she’s a LOT lighter than her Mom.
And black, because her Mom is clearly of darker-skinned persuasion.
Anyhoodle, I didn’t really like her voice that much. I was VERY NOT FOND of the way she kept snapping her jaw around, BUT, I like HER.


In closing, I would like to tell you how crazy I have become being stuck at home with the children for a week straight because of snOMGeddon 2010 …but I think this picture speaks for itself:






DISCLAIMER: That is NOT my picture. I do not have permission to post it but I don’t think all both of you that read my blog are going to tell on me. Right? RIGHT? Right.
Ok ok, that picture belongs to: http://blogs.woodtv.com/2009/02/06/snowiest-winter/ and you should all go visit their website and be like, WOW this woman gave you some publicity and you should totally send her a check!!



Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Speaking of Milkshakes…

Posted by The Bludge on February 18, 2010

Los Angeles brings all the loonies to the yard.
Damn right, they’re better than…no wait.
No.
No, they are not.

And leading the NOT parade is guest judge Avril Lavigne.
Good call American Idol. A “singer” whose popularity lasted 2 years thanks only to 8 and 9 year old girls that didn’t know any better.
And when those girls got a year or two older they dropped Avril faster than Lindsey Lohan can snort a line of coke.

Hey, you know Avril is one letter away from Anvil.
And one away from Advil.
Coincidence? I think NOT!

Thank goodness Kara is looking HOT!!




I’m not sure why I like her this season. I don’t know if I’m going soft, and am getting less sarcastic and judgemental (HAHAHAHA) or I just need to get laid more often.
Or both.

Avril actually isn’t half-bad to look at, you know, when you don’t look at her trying-too-hard clothing.





Anynerdy, if water-boarding was legal, I would use it on this first contestant

Not to get information out of him but to persuade him to 1) cut his hair, 2) never show his face on television again, and 3) purchase mass quantities of talc.
The first two are obvious, and the talc is for the profuse sweating issue.

For reasons only known to people that likely need to be taking lithium, he did this:

Have you ever had to get that shit off of a mirror? It ain’t easy.
He sang “Rock and Roll Dreams Come True” (by MEATLOAF, people. MEAT. LOAF).

Honestly? It could have been worse.
You know, if he had been (*gag*) naked (*barf*).




Before I continue with the “singers,” I would like to address how crispy Simon’s chesticles are…

Do you SEE the difference between his hand/arm and his chest/face!? WHY!? And WHY are his teeth SOWHITE!?




Anychristian, Jim Ranger – a worship pastor – made it through, even though he sang an original song

WTF is a worship pastor? Is he like, second in command?
If the pastor takes a bullet, does Jim then have to lead the Christian army?
Let’s hope so, cuz he prolly doesn’t run very fast.




Jayson Nobody-Cares-What-His-Last-Name-Is pretended he was going to sing and then he did this

Jayson, you are NOT Glamberace.
DISMISSED!




AnyJackieChanWannabe, Damien here thinks these poses make people think his claim to be a “martial arts enthusiast” might mean he is actually GOOD at martial arts:

Well, he DOES look very enthused.
Unfortunately, when he tried to sing “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” it sounded like someone gave him an enema using a Garden Claw.


Bend over.




Trying too hard, Mary Powers sang Pat Benetar’s “Love is a Battlefield.”

She sounded ok, but her outfit was a bit too much, I doubt she needed to overdo it like that, she seems like she’d be pretty cool without it.




The last contestant of Day 1 was a train wreck.
A.J. Mendoza was either having a stroke or a seizure, it was hard to tell.

Simon conjectured A.J. had a mouth full of novacaine.
I wish my EARS had a mouthful of novacaine.
Wait, what?




Continuing in the vein of talentless but well promoted and not-too-hard-on-the-eyes guest judges, is Katy Parry (FYI I don’t care if it’s Perry).

Katy, I might mention, said no to a lot of the contestants–even though the other judges said yes–because (get this) the singer’s VOICE wasn’t good enough.

*blink*

Could someone please play for Katy Parry some Katy Parry music?
If it was any more digitally altered it would be a Pixar movie.




Anyscary, Austin Fulmer showed up in a pleather shirt and satin pants and then performed like the love-child of Mick Jagger and a T-Rex.

Afterwards, Katy asked if the contestants were frisked. So, at least she’s not completely ignorant.




Sob Story Award Winner Andrew Garcia grew up in Compton with gang-member parents.

They showed photos from Andrew’s childhood and all you could see was tattoos and blurred-out faces.
Andrew sang well and his hardcore Daddy cried.
PRECIOUS!




Tasha Layton, a personal assistant by day and a minister by night, made it through singing Joss Stone’s “Baby, Baby, Baby.”
I like her. I think she’ll make it past Hollywood week(s).
She seems comfortable in front of the judges/camera/crew/etc.




Unfortunately, my DVR did NOT cut out early and save me from Jason Green’s performance.

My poor, poor 13 year old was so creeped out she hid under a blanket, but she could still hear him so she went upstairs and poured cement in her ears.
The best thing I can say about Jason is that he has pretty hair.

Also, I don’t want to assume that Jason is gay, but…




For some reason-I guess the producers thought they needed more drama-they decided to string footage together to make it look like Kara and Katy were being all Katty.
If only there had been an actual physical fight.
In bikinis.
And baby oil.
Wait…what?




Ending on a high note (I guess) was Chris Golightly.

A foster kid almost since birth, he’s a more masculine Justin Guarini, not that that’s saying much.
He sang (with his eyes closed) “Stand by Me.”
Simon wasn’t impressed, but the other judges were, and put him through to Hollyweird week.




LA was pretty bland, which is…..weird.
Better luck next city??




Two more things:

You’re welcome




And, as it turns out, I wasn’t the only one checking out Kara’s rack



Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The Bludge that Time Forgot

Posted by The Bludge on February 9, 2010

Oh my dog you guys, I am a total liar! I thought I had missed episode 4!
It turns out that I just WISH I had missed episode 4!

Can you blame me? I mean, just look at what Randy was wearing…


What you don’t see is that the back of the shirt says “Douchey”.

Now, if this shirt said “SRSLY” then it would almost be ok, but only if it had Timmy on it. Ironically.


The GOOD news, is that Kara looked pretty(hot)!





Guest judge for this week is broadway star, Kristin Chenowith! Did you catch her on Glee that week? She didn’t seem to have any problem acting like a drunk…hmmm….
Kidding!

Kristin is very pretty, but, did she have some work done or is she just anorexic now, or both?

I know, I know, I shouldn’t judge, but have you seen the title of this blog?


The two lady judges were being quite elementary (my favorite!) and having a good time which irritated Simon, so that was fun!






I suppose because last show started out with a good singer, they had to do the opposite this week because this is what “sang” for the judges next…


Could someone please find out where this guy (Theo Glinton) lives? Because I never want to live there.

He glued mirrors to his face. And a feather.
And MIRRORS.
And Ryan actually pealed them off of him later in the show. Ew.




The next guy could (thankfully) sing!


Seth Rollins is a married guy with an autistic kid.
Ya know, whose kid ISN’T autistic these days? It’s either that or ADHD.
Maybe if we hadn’t been covering ourselves in DDT and breaking thermometers to play with Mercury our kids would be fine.
Nahhhh, we did lots of other stupid things too. We know that you ate all of that “non-toxic” Play-Doh, licked your lead pencil, and there’s no WAY overdosing on all of that AquaNet had no side effects.

ANYway, he was a pretty good singer and made it through to Hollywood.

(p.s. Don’t get on my case about autism and how it’s not a joke, go play with your kid instead)





It’s been about a week since I actually watched the show, so I THINK this guy is named Jermaine Purifoy.
Whoever he is, he sang well enough and apparently he was on season 7, which I also do not recognize him from…





Shelby Dressel definitely had a rough start on life.
Apparently some cranial nerve didn’t develop and she can’t use the right side of her face, not that that stops her from being cute!

She started singing Nora Jones “Turn Me On” and after a verse or two forgot the lyrics, said “Oh shit,” slapped her hands over her mouth and the judges laughed and decided they like her.
She seems like a pretty cool chic, and she made the cut, but I don’t think her voice and presence is strong enough to keep her past Hollywood week 1.




This joker here, Jay Stone…

he beat-boxed his way through “Ain’t No Sunshine” then the Beatles “Come Together” and possibly something else, it was hard to tell. He wasn’t very good but he got Randy and Kara beat-boxing too, which was amusing.
Picture your Dad and your crazy, cat-lady aunt beat-boxing. Yeah, it was like that.




There were some more girls that made it through that they went over very fast, and then there was something that made the judges look like this:




Cornelius Edwards sang(?) “Proud Mary” and during his performance(?) he literally slammed his crotch into the ground.

I know this picture is blurry and you can’t see his face (don’t worry you’re not missing anything), but you CAN see his pants split! Excellent!




Amanda (in yellow) and Bernadette (in L’oreal ‘Ash Blond’), as you can probably tell, are from Jersey. There’s a salon in their house (is this a new phenomenon?) and these sisters look like a whole Superfund dump full of fun!

Amanda sang Whitney’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody,” and Bernadette sang “Hit the Road, Jack.”
They both got through but I’m having a terrible time trying to remember what they sounded like…I wonder if they’ll have their own “reality” show soon, they would probably be hilarious!




I’ve signed myself up for ElectroConvulsive Therapy to try to forget this next guy

Rumor has it he was trying to sing “Amazing Grace” but instead what ended up happening was this




And then this


If the noises he made weren’t illegal, they should definitely be made a crime against humanity.




The last contestant didn’t actually have a sob story, but he DID have a bitchin’ truck


Matt Lawrence’s embarrassing story was that he robbed a bank with a BB gun when he was 15 and spent 4 years in jail.
Brills!!


Matt sang “Trouble” by some dude named Ray something. I fell asleep halfway through and woke up to Simon saying that Matt’s singing was “brilliant”.
That is ALWAYS the case…whenever I don’t care for someone, the judges swoon. Perhaps this is why they have made millions playing in bands, writing songs, and signing lucrative acts with talent, and I’m sitting in my basement on the computer eating Ruffles and scratching my butt.

Out of 10,000 auditions, only 31 people got “Golden tickets” to Hollywood.
Way to be mediocre, Orlando!!


Tune in next week, when I DON’T talk about scratching my butt!


Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Intartubes, we have a problem…

Posted by The Bludge on February 8, 2010

For some reason, DVR decided NOT to record Episode 4 of American Idol, auditions in Orlando, Florida (A.K.A. the sweaty armpit (with roller coasters) of the Sunshine State).

I can’t watch the episode at the American Idol website because my computer is older than all those gross children wearing leggings (*shudder*) and Flash keeps making Firefox crash.

So, here’s a picture of my car! I think…

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Photography | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »