The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

The Bludge that Time Forgot

Posted by The Bludge on February 9, 2010

Oh my dog you guys, I am a total liar! I thought I had missed episode 4!
It turns out that I just WISH I had missed episode 4!

Can you blame me? I mean, just look at what Randy was wearing…

What you don’t see is that the back of the shirt says “Douchey”.

Now, if this shirt said “SRSLY” then it would almost be ok, but only if it had Timmy on it. Ironically.

The GOOD news, is that Kara looked pretty(hot)!

Guest judge for this week is broadway star, Kristin Chenowith! Did you catch her on Glee that week? She didn’t seem to have any problem acting like a drunk…hmmm….

Kristin is very pretty, but, did she have some work done or is she just anorexic now, or both?

I know, I know, I shouldn’t judge, but have you seen the title of this blog?

The two lady judges were being quite elementary (my favorite!) and having a good time which irritated Simon, so that was fun!

I suppose because last show started out with a good singer, they had to do the opposite this week because this is what “sang” for the judges next…

Could someone please find out where this guy (Theo Glinton) lives? Because I never want to live there.

He glued mirrors to his face. And a feather.
And Ryan actually pealed them off of him later in the show. Ew.

The next guy could (thankfully) sing!

Seth Rollins is a married guy with an autistic kid.
Ya know, whose kid ISN’T autistic these days? It’s either that or ADHD.
Maybe if we hadn’t been covering ourselves in DDT and breaking thermometers to play with Mercury our kids would be fine.
Nahhhh, we did lots of other stupid things too. We know that you ate all of that “non-toxic” Play-Doh, licked your lead pencil, and there’s no WAY overdosing on all of that AquaNet had no side effects.

ANYway, he was a pretty good singer and made it through to Hollywood.

(p.s. Don’t get on my case about autism and how it’s not a joke, go play with your kid instead)

It’s been about a week since I actually watched the show, so I THINK this guy is named Jermaine Purifoy.
Whoever he is, he sang well enough and apparently he was on season 7, which I also do not recognize him from…

Shelby Dressel definitely had a rough start on life.
Apparently some cranial nerve didn’t develop and she can’t use the right side of her face, not that that stops her from being cute!

She started singing Nora Jones “Turn Me On” and after a verse or two forgot the lyrics, said “Oh shit,” slapped her hands over her mouth and the judges laughed and decided they like her.
She seems like a pretty cool chic, and she made the cut, but I don’t think her voice and presence is strong enough to keep her past Hollywood week 1.

This joker here, Jay Stone…

he beat-boxed his way through “Ain’t No Sunshine” then the Beatles “Come Together” and possibly something else, it was hard to tell. He wasn’t very good but he got Randy and Kara beat-boxing too, which was amusing.
Picture your Dad and your crazy, cat-lady aunt beat-boxing. Yeah, it was like that.

There were some more girls that made it through that they went over very fast, and then there was something that made the judges look like this:

Cornelius Edwards sang(?) “Proud Mary” and during his performance(?) he literally slammed his crotch into the ground.

I know this picture is blurry and you can’t see his face (don’t worry you’re not missing anything), but you CAN see his pants split! Excellent!

Amanda (in yellow) and Bernadette (in L’oreal ‘Ash Blond’), as you can probably tell, are from Jersey. There’s a salon in their house (is this a new phenomenon?) and these sisters look like a whole Superfund dump full of fun!

Amanda sang Whitney’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody,” and Bernadette sang “Hit the Road, Jack.”
They both got through but I’m having a terrible time trying to remember what they sounded like…I wonder if they’ll have their own “reality” show soon, they would probably be hilarious!

I’ve signed myself up for ElectroConvulsive Therapy to try to forget this next guy

Rumor has it he was trying to sing “Amazing Grace” but instead what ended up happening was this

And then this

If the noises he made weren’t illegal, they should definitely be made a crime against humanity.

The last contestant didn’t actually have a sob story, but he DID have a bitchin’ truck

Matt Lawrence’s embarrassing story was that he robbed a bank with a BB gun when he was 15 and spent 4 years in jail.

Matt sang “Trouble” by some dude named Ray something. I fell asleep halfway through and woke up to Simon saying that Matt’s singing was “brilliant”.
That is ALWAYS the case…whenever I don’t care for someone, the judges swoon. Perhaps this is why they have made millions playing in bands, writing songs, and signing lucrative acts with talent, and I’m sitting in my basement on the computer eating Ruffles and scratching my butt.

Out of 10,000 auditions, only 31 people got “Golden tickets” to Hollywood.
Way to be mediocre, Orlando!!

Tune in next week, when I DON’T talk about scratching my butt!

One Response to “The Bludge that Time Forgot”

  1. Nanci said

    I swear, I want to throw in the towel and just shuffle around in my bathrobe aimlessly sometimes and then I remember that this blog will await me…and, starting today, ELLEN.

    (oh, and my 4 outrageously awesome, amazing, beautiful daughters and one “meh” boyfriend)

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