The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

Speaking of Milkshakes…

Posted by The Bludge on February 18, 2010

Los Angeles brings all the loonies to the yard.
Damn right, they’re better than…no wait.
No.
No, they are not.

And leading the NOT parade is guest judge Avril Lavigne.
Good call American Idol. A “singer” whose popularity lasted 2 years thanks only to 8 and 9 year old girls that didn’t know any better.
And when those girls got a year or two older they dropped Avril faster than Lindsey Lohan can snort a line of coke.

Hey, you know Avril is one letter away from Anvil.
And one away from Advil.
Coincidence? I think NOT!

Thank goodness Kara is looking HOT!!




I’m not sure why I like her this season. I don’t know if I’m going soft, and am getting less sarcastic and judgemental (HAHAHAHA) or I just need to get laid more often.
Or both.

Avril actually isn’t half-bad to look at, you know, when you don’t look at her trying-too-hard clothing.





Anynerdy, if water-boarding was legal, I would use it on this first contestant

Not to get information out of him but to persuade him to 1) cut his hair, 2) never show his face on television again, and 3) purchase mass quantities of talc.
The first two are obvious, and the talc is for the profuse sweating issue.

For reasons only known to people that likely need to be taking lithium, he did this:

Have you ever had to get that shit off of a mirror? It ain’t easy.
He sang “Rock and Roll Dreams Come True” (by MEATLOAF, people. MEAT. LOAF).

Honestly? It could have been worse.
You know, if he had been (*gag*) naked (*barf*).




Before I continue with the “singers,” I would like to address how crispy Simon’s chesticles are…

Do you SEE the difference between his hand/arm and his chest/face!? WHY!? And WHY are his teeth SOWHITE!?




Anychristian, Jim Ranger – a worship pastor – made it through, even though he sang an original song

WTF is a worship pastor? Is he like, second in command?
If the pastor takes a bullet, does Jim then have to lead the Christian army?
Let’s hope so, cuz he prolly doesn’t run very fast.




Jayson Nobody-Cares-What-His-Last-Name-Is pretended he was going to sing and then he did this

Jayson, you are NOT Glamberace.
DISMISSED!




AnyJackieChanWannabe, Damien here thinks these poses make people think his claim to be a “martial arts enthusiast” might mean he is actually GOOD at martial arts:

Well, he DOES look very enthused.
Unfortunately, when he tried to sing “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” it sounded like someone gave him an enema using a Garden Claw.


Bend over.




Trying too hard, Mary Powers sang Pat Benetar’s “Love is a Battlefield.”

She sounded ok, but her outfit was a bit too much, I doubt she needed to overdo it like that, she seems like she’d be pretty cool without it.




The last contestant of Day 1 was a train wreck.
A.J. Mendoza was either having a stroke or a seizure, it was hard to tell.

Simon conjectured A.J. had a mouth full of novacaine.
I wish my EARS had a mouthful of novacaine.
Wait, what?




Continuing in the vein of talentless but well promoted and not-too-hard-on-the-eyes guest judges, is Katy Parry (FYI I don’t care if it’s Perry).

Katy, I might mention, said no to a lot of the contestants–even though the other judges said yes–because (get this) the singer’s VOICE wasn’t good enough.

*blink*

Could someone please play for Katy Parry some Katy Parry music?
If it was any more digitally altered it would be a Pixar movie.




Anyscary, Austin Fulmer showed up in a pleather shirt and satin pants and then performed like the love-child of Mick Jagger and a T-Rex.

Afterwards, Katy asked if the contestants were frisked. So, at least she’s not completely ignorant.




Sob Story Award Winner Andrew Garcia grew up in Compton with gang-member parents.

They showed photos from Andrew’s childhood and all you could see was tattoos and blurred-out faces.
Andrew sang well and his hardcore Daddy cried.
PRECIOUS!




Tasha Layton, a personal assistant by day and a minister by night, made it through singing Joss Stone’s “Baby, Baby, Baby.”
I like her. I think she’ll make it past Hollywood week(s).
She seems comfortable in front of the judges/camera/crew/etc.




Unfortunately, my DVR did NOT cut out early and save me from Jason Green’s performance.

My poor, poor 13 year old was so creeped out she hid under a blanket, but she could still hear him so she went upstairs and poured cement in her ears.
The best thing I can say about Jason is that he has pretty hair.

Also, I don’t want to assume that Jason is gay, but…




For some reason-I guess the producers thought they needed more drama-they decided to string footage together to make it look like Kara and Katy were being all Katty.
If only there had been an actual physical fight.
In bikinis.
And baby oil.
Wait…what?




Ending on a high note (I guess) was Chris Golightly.

A foster kid almost since birth, he’s a more masculine Justin Guarini, not that that’s saying much.
He sang (with his eyes closed) “Stand by Me.”
Simon wasn’t impressed, but the other judges were, and put him through to Hollyweird week.




LA was pretty bland, which is…..weird.
Better luck next city??




Two more things:

You’re welcome




And, as it turns out, I wasn’t the only one checking out Kara’s rack



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2 Responses to “Speaking of Milkshakes…”

  1. Amanda said

    “the love-child of Mick Jagger and a T-Rex” OMG, OMG!!!!!! SUCH a perfect description!!!!!!!!!

  2. Nanci said

    Is it just me or is Katy Perry ACTUALLY a model for the original 1950’s blow up doll?

    Nice rack though. J E A L O U S

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