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Posted by The Bludge on February 23, 2010

Episode 8 “Road to Hollywood”

What IS this episode? Did Simon need to buy new undershirts (to wear as outer shirts) so they threw together an episode to sell ad time?

For those crazy enough to read my blog without having the enormous privilege of actually watching the show (call your shrink), or those of you reading that actually WATCH the show and are not five episodes behind (like The Bludge is) – this episode isn’t auditions from one particular city. This episode is just people they didn’t show us from all of the cities.

Yay?



Anyhoochie, let’s get to the peeps, shall we?


Jessica Furney tried out last season and almost made it to the top 24.
She sang a song co-written by Simon Cowell that isn’t just a recording of him saying “That was awful.”
This year she has a better look, but she looks like Anna Paquin and, well, that’s kind of unfortunate.
Well, at least she looks like someone famous!



Speaking of unfortunate celebrities, the next contestant sang like Britney Spears-but not for her actual audition.
I don’t remember what Amanda sang but I do specifically remember an overwhelming urge to choke that overly-dramatic whiny wench with her own hair, which she constantly flung around in a huff.


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Lee Dewyze, Crystal Bowersox, and Lacey Brown sang well and got through and were equally (not very) exciting.



Mensa member Stephanie has tried out for American Idol SEVEN times!

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Judging from her outfit she came straight from an 80’s-Madonna theme party.



Two more boring people got through, Rachel and Thaddeus.
Well, maybe they aren’t boring, but their footage was, for me.



OMG!! EVERYONE LOOKOUT!! IT’S BLONDZILLA!!!!

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Well, at least that’s what Adrian says is one of his many nicknames. He is six foot seventy-two or something (Ok, 6’8″).
I’m not kidding you when I tell you that he sang like a member of the Vienna Boys Choir, except without singing talent, just in a ridiculously high singing register…and it came out of that ginormo thing!



If you added 2 LLCoolJ’s, one Vermont Teddy Bear, and one Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson you would get the next contestant, Michael “Big Mike” Lynche:

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I was SHOCKED to find out that he’s a personal trainer!
I mean, that’s like if Keifer Sutherland drank a bottle of J.D. in front of you, it’s like, oh yeah wait…
This man’s arms are bigger than my head. Actually I think they’re bigger than HIS head.
They’re bigger than my butt.
Now THAT is BIG!



Didi caught my eye, and not because of her sob story about her BFF Rebecca dying four years ago.
Didi is blond…it’s always the blonds with me…anyway, she sang well, even though her version of “Hey Jude” was a bit weird. It had it’s own melody until she got to the chorus and it seemed like she hadn’t planned that far ahead.
She made it through to Hollywood.

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Sweeeeet.



Sob story award winner Aaron Kelly had shitstains for parents and was raised by his aunt & uncle and he sounded like such a nice boy!
Gross! I mean, awwwwww.
He sang Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb.”
GROSS!! Ok, just Miley’s version.
He has a total boy-band look and sound and made it through to Hollywood.

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Back-alley version of Katy Parry, Kimberly Bishop sang “Kissed a Girl” (SHOCKER!!).

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I take that back, as much as you think it’s not possible to butcher a Katy Parry song more than the released Katy Parry song is butchered, Kimberly managed to do it. AND flash the judges.

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My husband said she looks like a freak, to which I said “If you were that high, you wouldn’t care what you looked like either.”



American Idol had me going with the next contestant, Shaddai Harris. She is cute:

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but DAMN she could NOT sing.



Finally, Hope Johnson brought it home. She has a cool raspy voice-at least while she’s talking-and she seems really positive.

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The first show of the Top 24 started 50 minutes ago and I still have to post for the FOUR Hollywood Week shows!
GAH!!



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