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Archive for March, 2010

Episodezzzzz

Posted by The Bludge on March 31, 2010

You guys, last night’s show was so mediocre, so tedious, and so vanilla that I didn’t even vote once.

Not even for my beloved Didi!

The theme for last night was “soul and R&B” and the mentor was one of the biggest stars to be completely (and publicly) pussy-whipped, Usher!!

After having his Mommy as his manager it does NOT surprise me that he was taken for a ride by his megabitch ex(?) wife.
Guess what? I don’t give a fuck if his mom wasn’t actually his manager and I’m not researching that.
THAT’S how committed to this blog I am.
Wild rabid horses couldn’t drag me awa….Oh, look! A butterfly!



#1 SIOBHAN
She’s liked Usher since she was SIX?!?!?!
OMG where’s my cane?

Little did I know that Siobhan was about to massacre (not in a good way) Missy Elliot & Chaka Khan’s “Through the Fire”.

OH OUCH. My EARS!!

OMG I’m convulsing

She’s WAY off key.

It’s horrid, now she’s adding a screechy ride to the earfuck festival.

AND the rest of the song is BORING.

Also, WHY is she wearing shin guards?



#2 Casey
AGAIN with the guitar!

He sang “Hold on I’m Coming” by Sam something-or-other
Wow. He sang all four of those notes over and over, what a tough feat! However did he do it!?!?

Um, did he forget the words again?

Why do the judges love his voice and his range? I’m bored to tears with this guy.



#3 Big Mike!!

Mike sang a song I’m not familiar with, “Ready for Love” by India Arie.

First, if there was better lighting I think I would’ve liked this performance a LOT better. I couldn’t see him and see the emotion.
His singing was good but the song was sloooooooooooooooooooooooow.



#4 Didi sang”What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” and totally cried after singing it to Usher.

I sure hope she doesn’t cry during her performance…

HOLY.
CRAP.
She looks AMAZING!

The dress, the hair, the makeup
WOW

Again, you guys, furrowed brows ≠ emotion!

OMG REALLY!?!? They’re bringing up her friend that died FOUR years ago?
I mean, really??

I think Ryan was just trying to get her to cry so she’d get the sympathy vote.

The judges didn’t think the song came completely together and I have to agree. I didn’t love it.
I didn’t hate it either, though.
I still love Didi, but I guess playing with my son was more important than voting last night.



#5 Tim Urban sang “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker

He looks like he’s in a musical.
He’s just so baby faced.

He did look in the camera and make sweet love (sorry) to it.
No, I’m being serious! He did the look-of-longing very well.
He didn’t sell the WHOLE song but he did ok.
He sang it great!
I like him this week.



#6 Andrew sang Chris Brown “Forever”

Is he gonna end it by beating down his wife?
Sorry, you knew that was coming though.

Hmmm, well this doesn’t sound R&B at all. That’s ok though, it sounds nice.
Are some of the words really “Double your pleasure double your fun”?
Really?

I think Andrew FINALLY did well this week, but I don’t think he will do it again.
Ever.



#7 Katie sang “Chain of Fools”

It was the first time it’s EVER been done on Idol
She did a great job, much more believable than usual.
What I mean is that instead of wanting to stand behind her and mock her I actually was rooting for her a bit.



#8 Lee Dewyze sang “Treat Her Like a Lady” by some brothers or something

MUUUCH better performance than, like, EVAR!!

He’s easy-confident and singing in key!!!!!

Simon said That he has changed his life with this performance.

Is Lee crying? Cuz I’m kinda crying.



#9 Crystal sang “Midnight Train to Georgia”

She’s playing piano instead of guitar.

WHY GOD!?! Why is EVERYONE ELSE talented!?!? Where’s MINE?!??!?!

Usher just called her KID. ?

Yay, it’s good to actually hear her VOICE.

OMG Y’ALL SHE HAS HER EYES OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And, she looks so NICE.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate it when contestants argue with the judges and try to justify themselves?
BAH
Just makes them seem whiny.

Also, what the HELL is going on here:

AI Review



#10 Aaron attempted to sing “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone”

I. LOVE. THIS. SONG.

I’m pretty sure 700 people have already sung this on Idol every damned season.

What. Thefuck. Ishewearing?
A leather/sweatshirt hoodie and a plaid shirt?

This is as entertaining as using a kitten to wipe dry paint off of a wall.
No, it’s more boring than that BY FAR.



I think Usher told everyone they have “an incredible voice” which doesn’t mean much because it could be incredibly good or incredibly bad.



Shit you guys, either I need to up my meds or this episode just sucked the fun out of me and wiped a butt with it.



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Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

American Mediocre

Posted by The Bludge on March 25, 2010

Top 11!!!!!!!!!!!


This week everyone will be singing #1 Hits on the Billboard Charts!!

Thank God there’s only about 700 million songs to choose from because I’d hate for them to be confused or overwhelmed.
(Actually, I think the real number was about 2,080. Except I’m sure that there were some repeat offenders in there.)
UPDATE – Wiki says there’s been 983 different #1 hits and it MUST be true cuz I read it one the intartubes.

The way it seemed though, it was ILLEGAL to sing a song that has been popular in the last 60 years.


Apparently the world is coming to an end and God DOES hate me because MILEY CYRUS was the MENTOR for this week.
MILEY.
FUCKING.
CYRUS.

MENTORING.

YES! I SAID MILEY CYRUS!!

WTF!?

I do NOT fault her that she is 17 and giving advice because it’s impossible to argue that she has a LOT of experience in both TV, movie, and performing.
Note – I did NOT mention in ANY of that, actual singing.

Miley Cyrus has as much business mentoring American Idol contestants as Ellen Degeneres does judgi….oh shit.

Ok, well Miley Cyrus mentoring American Idol contestants makes as much sense as Jim Carey coaching Johnny Depp in acting.

I mean, did the producers not hear Miley’s performance last year!?!!?
It sounded like kicking a Pomeranian into a virgin’s vagina.


#1 Lee Dewyze
Look, I’m not big on remembering people’s names from whatever band and stuff, so when I heard Alex Chilton died, I said, “Who?” and then I didn’t bother listening to the answer cuz really? I don’t care.
I mean, I didn’t know who he was when he was alive, so it’s not like I should give a shit exactly who he is now, ok? Not that he wasn’t important, I’m sure to some people he was, but I have already spent about 5 minutes too long of my life talking about the guy.
ANYloser, Lee sang one of that dead guy’s songs, “The Letter” by The Box Tops or some shit. I guess that Alex person wrote it or whatever.

I wouldn’t know HALF of these songs by their name-unless I hear them, I have NO idea.

Lee’s performance was kinda bluesy jazzy and I liked it! He’s like a more-attractive version of that glasses/dead-wife guy from last season. You know, that guy…what’s his name? DANNY! Danny Gokey, that’s it!
Yeah, so Lee is like, a little better looking, but also probably about 14 times dumber (I’m just guessing, I mean, mixing paint isn’t exactly rocket science).
He’s probably better in bed though.
What?!?
Roughnecks usually are more fun.

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Lee. So he needs to connect with the audience more, he was mostly just shifting around on the stage and doing this twitchy thing with his left hand – it was just flailing about randomly like a ham sandwich with a dying rat inside of it.

Um, I think I had too much sugar today.
Anyhighschooldropout, I kind of agree with Simon that his song wasn’t something that would be on the radio, I mean, I wouldn’t buy the single but this is fucking American Idol.
And have you heard the shit they put on the radio?
“Umbrella ella ella”
“GA GA OOH LALA CA CA POO POO”

I think Lee did a really good job, the arrangement was fresh and fun and other than not wanting to actually WATCH him perform, I think it was his best performance. (lol)


#2 Paige Miles
Supposedly, Paige was going to sing “Against All Odds”, which is a Phil Collins song that Mariah Carey decided to dig up and assfuck and re-bury.
I’m pretty sure the majority of humans and dogs in the listening area wish that it had never resurfaced.
The word “pitchy” doesn’t even come CLOSE to the fuckery that was presented.
It was worse than karaoke at 1am when all the drunk girls that haven’t found some penis to go home with have gotten all emotional and start thinking they can sing like Mariah.
She sounded best last week when she had laryngitis and I really really REALLY hope (times a bajillion) that she goes home.


#3 Tim Urban sang Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and it was cheesy and vanilla and corny – apparently there was a lot of food involved.
He played to his fan base of tween girls and I’m sure they’ll vote for his cute little tush even though his singing was VERY plain/boring.


#4 Aaron “I’ll sound SO different when I hit puberty” Kelly.
Uh oh, little Aaron has laryngitis AND tonsillitis!!
Out of all of the contestants I didn’t peg him to be making out with Paige, but ok.

So it was HILARIOUS to hear little Aaron’s little-boy voice and then Miley Cyrus’s 50-year-old-2-pack-of-Marlboro-Reds-a-day-habit voice.

ANYtinypecker, Aaron sang Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” and the very first thing he did (I think?) was cough into the mic. Heh.
Ok, he has a great voice, and for his age he has some SERIOUS control, I actually enjoy his muted runs.

If anything detracted from his performance it was not his being sick, he just needs an eyebrow wax.

Side note – if that is what laryngitis does, could I have some, please?


#5 Crystal SHOCKINGLY sang “Me and Booby (typo and it stays) McGee” (SHOCKING!)

SOOOOOOO typical and NOT special and SAFE SAFE SAFE for her.
We all know she can sing that same old shit, what she REALLY needs to sing is Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.”


#6 Big Mike
LOVED his time with Miley, he wasn’t intimidated even though she could probably tan a bit more and successfully disguise herself as one of his fingers.
He was just so COOL and comfortable.
I was wondering how they find clothes for him though.

Mike decided to sing “When A Man Loves A Woman” and OMG IT WAS TERRIBLE!!!!!
Not his singing or anything, he’s great, but my HORMONES!! GTFO already!! WTF, nature?

I do have to say to Mike though, stop licking your lips, you are NO LLCoolJ.


#7 Andrew bored the CRAP right out of my butt with “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye.
UGH. I already don’t like it, he’s sung about 4 notes and they’re ALL BORING.
I’m not sure which is worse, Paige sucking so bad or Andrew being boring as BALLS.
He’s acting really weird – more talkative/flirty – is he drunk?


#8 Katie Stevens, still confused apparently on what age she actually is, sang Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”.
Yes, it was a pop song that probably young girls like, but…
Fergie is 35.
Katie was pitchy but I think it might have been her best performance yet, even though she can’t really pull off the sassy attitude that she was attempting.


#9 Schmuck, I mean, Casey sang Huey Lewis’s “Power of Love”
but not before he told Miley Cyrus “I’m a big fan of your………Dad’s.”
Wow. I’m not a Miley fan but that was pretty fucked up.

So…he sounds EXACTLY like Huey and I’m trying to figure out why this song is interesting at all and I figured out why I couldn’t, cuz it WASN’T.

Side note – How can Ellen’s face be SO smooth and her neck be SO…..DOOLOLLY

#10 Didi!
She sang “You’re No Good” by Linda Rontdtstadtdt
She was a little too scowly, the song was OK, but it just was……I dunno, lacking something.

Ok contestants, I have heard “I had fun” too many times.
Stop saying “I had fun.”
I don’t give a FUCK.
You are there to entertain ME bitch.


#11 Siobhan sang one of my FAVORITE songs of ALLTIME, Stevie Wonder’s Superstition.
It is EPIC.
For Siobhan, it’s just too…..singy. It needs more funk.

Oh honey, no. STOP FUCKING SCREAMING.
YOU are NO Adam Lambert.
When Simon said last week, “You’re almost going to have to do the scream every week” he was NOT being SERIOUS.


So, that’s it!!
Here’s my ranking:

#1. Lee
#2. Aaron
#3. Mike
#4. Siobhan
#5. Katie
#6. Crystal
#7. Didi
#8. Casey
#9. Tim
#10. Andrew
#11. Paige

Dear 7 pound 9 ounce baby Jesus, PLEASE get rid of Paige. Maybe bring her back next year after she has some singing lessons and/or just give her permanent laryngitis.



GREAT NEWS!!!! PAIGE IS GONZO!!!!!


Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

episode21

Posted by The Bludge on March 18, 2010

Top 12!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s Rolling Stones Week!! This should be…interesting.

And, YAY! They brought the bio videos back!! YAY!!

And YAY!! for Ellen’s ascot!!!

AI REVIEW
(It’s a scarf, whatever)


#1 Mike Lynche
AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh BABY!!!!!!!
Not him. I mean they showed his baby!!! Cuuuuuuuute!!

He’s singing “Miss You” which I totally could only recognize when the back-up singers sang the chorus.

Big Mike is SO fun to watch though, even though he’s a total ham.
He seems to be SUCH a nice guy that I don’t think we can help but like him.

That said though, he’s used all of his falsetto cards for this song and should stop now.
Also, I would not buy this song.
Ever.

I will vote for Mike though!

I am looking forward to Simon’s opinion because the other judges just verbally tossed his salad.

Ahhh good. Simon said he was corny.

Ummm, ok, so for those of you that didn’t watch, after Simon finished his critique Ryan asked him what he meant and then, I am not kidding you, CHARGED the judges table and got all up in Simon’s grill.
At first it was funny and it would’ve continued to have been if Ryan had immediately backed off and laughed it off, but instead it was just REALLY awkward.
It was basically like a little toddler getting all up in Chef Ramsey’s face. Almost funny, but an angry toddler isn’t funny.


#2 Didi sang “Play with Fire”
It starts out all dramatic and slow and I REALLY hope the tempo picks up!
Hmmmmm, nope.
Uh oh!! She missed the start of the 2nd verse! She caught it, didn’t flub up too bad but it was obvious!
She was pushing the vocals 😦
But I LIKE Didi!! I HAVE to find something nice to say!
The chorus was good? Although I wish she hadn’t sung each chorus the SAME EXACT way.
Oh wow! I can’t believe all of the judges are complimenting her!! I mean, YAY! But, I’m surprised.
I wouldn’t buy this song, but I would TOTALLY buy her CD.
I’m going to vote my ASS off for Didi, I think she may REALLY need it!


#3 Casey James is from COOL, Texas.
Cool, huh!?!? Huh huh
Oh WOW, check out the MILF!!

AI REVIEW

Heh
Casey sang “It’s All Over Now” and he made a good decision by choosing to play his guitar because without it I would’ve barfed all over myself.
It was NOT the best song for him, it was repetitive and not the right key.

I’m not going to explain it but Ellen was HYSTERICAL at this part of the show. (Basically, she made a gay joke)


#4 Lacey Brown
Um, WHY did they show a pic of Lacey basically picking her nose at the age of 5?
I mean, she was a BEAUTIFUL little girl, but…???
Lacey sang “Ruby Tuesday” and it was
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG
She REALLY should’ve rocked it out.
Yucky, I didn’t like any of it.

You know, Lacey could probably have one hit album in a Dido/Jewel/Divinyls/Tori Amos kind of way, but I don’t think it could be more than that.



It was here that Kara first referred to Ellen and Randy as “the guys” which I MAY not have noticed if TWO of my friends hadn’t told me about it on Facebook before I watched the show.


#5 Andrew Garcia’s Dad thought he was going to be a custodian when he grew up.
Wow.
Just.
WOW.

Andrew is singing “Gimme Shelter.”
He just has such a cool voice.
Who is he singing to?
What the hell is this song about?
His wife is SO CUTE!!!

It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t that interesting, or great.

I wonder if he regrets ever singing “Straight Up.”

Yet again I am agreeing with Kara in that he didn’t connect with the song because she said it’s about WAR and I didn’t hear that at ALL.


#6 Katie Stevens
UGH.
I don’t even want to watch her sing a Stones song.
She’s going to sing “Wild Horses”

Well…at least the chorus woke me up.

Yes, she can sing, but her voice isn’t…..pretty.

Yeah, that sounded mean, but what I mean is, while she is singing in tune and has a strong voice…it’s just not compelling…she has no personality…she is not remarkable.
This is American IDOL, not Another American Girl Who Can Sing, But, Really? Do We Care?


#7 Tim Urban has 9 brothers and sisters.
NINE.
And ONE SHOWER.
ONE!!
Ok, with that much cheap labor they could’ve BUILT another one.

Sorry, but when his brother said “He was the quarterback and I was his wide receiver” I couldn’t help but gigglesnort like the 12-year-old boy that I am.
Maybe I’ve been reading Michael K. too much (don’t click on that).

Tim is singing “Under My Thumb”

At least…that’s what they said he was going to sing, but this song is like……Tiny Tim meets Pee Wee Herman meets 9-year-old Bob Marley meets a trainwreck.

The crowd was clapping along and I couldn’t tell if there was a beat or not.
I don’t think Tim could, either.

It sounded like he was singing to a bunch of toddlers. (Which would’ve made sense if Paula was still on the show.)

APPARENTLY, he was doing a reggae version of the song.

It was just WEIRD.

In response to the judges thinly veiled “WTF were you thinking?” Tim said “I had fun,” which is like saying “You think I sucked and I don’t know what to say because if I said “It was THEBESTPERFORMANCEEVER” everyone would just think I’m a schmuck and if I said “It was crap” then no one would vote for me.”


Kara said “The guys” again!!


#8 Siobhan Magnus
She sang “Painted Black” and at first I wasn’t sure if the song would work because it starts out “I see a red door and I want it painted black” which is just WEIRD, but the song is basically about someone who is depressed and can’t stand to look at anything that might be cheerful so I think we can ALL relate to it.
Or the song’s about monkies.
Either way it started out slow and that really showcased the control she has over her voice, then it picked up, which is the PERFECT mix.

But then she started singing from the back of her throat again and it kind of reminds me of when, in Finding Nemo, Nemo’s Dad Marlin and Dory are in the Pelican’s throat and Marlin grabs hold of the bird’s tongue to keep from being swallowed.

Also, Siobhan’s hair was a little “Yentyl”

I wouldn’t buy that song, I’m not even sure that I would buy her album, but I will vote for her.


#9 Lee Dewyze
Basically, in his pre-performance bio video thingy, he talks about how he’s ALWAYS been shy and scared of performing and yadda yadda and I feel scared for him.
WAIT, that’s EXACTLY what they want!!
They want us to vote for him out of sympathy!!

Nice try, Idol.
Nice try.

He sang “Beast of Burden” and I actually liked it.
His voice sounded better than usual and it really worked for him.
Though it was a good performance, I likely won’t remember it.


#10 Paige
I’m not even writing ANYthing for Paige because she should NOT be here.

AHhh, DAMNIT!
I WASN’T going to write anything but she was really good! She sang “Honky Tonk Woman” and she reminded me of Carrie Underwood!
Weird!
I think it was because she worked the stage and smiled and stuff.
Her voice was MUCH better than…well, ever…which is ODD because apparently she has laryngitis.
Shit, maybe if she sleeps out in the cold and keeps her hair wet and stuff she can stay sick and stay in the competition.

Two things about her performance, though.
One, she can’t push her lower register like she can really belt the higher notes.
Two, it REALLY bugged the CRAP out of me when she was singing the word “mine” and she turned it into “MEH HOOH HUH HIND”

Oh and WHAT DID I TELL HER ABOUT THE SHORTALLS.

STOPIT!!!!


#11 Aaron Little
In his bio video his Mom says he has been passionate about music since he was 9 years old.
Wow.
So like, for 3 WHOLE YEARS!!!
Can we make his adoptive Mom the next American Idol? She’s great.

Aaron sang “Angie”
Can we glue his eyebrows in place?
Staple?


#12 Oh, YAY! Crystal isn’t wearing 1,700 layers of clothing!
She sang “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” which I think was a requirement for Rolling Stones night.

One word, Crystal.

SPANX!
They’re your friend.

I see they’ve been working on her teefs.
Smart to do a little at a time.

It’s good to see her get into the song a little because she has seemed SO aloof lately.

Ellen was right when she said that a part of Crystal had been missing but she showed herself tonight.

It’s not that her performance wasn’t good, but I don’t think I’ll vote for Crystal tonight.



So, that’s it!!
Here’s my ranking:

#1. Siobhan
#2. Mike
#3. Aaron
#4. Lee
#5. Crystal
#6. Paige
#7. Didi
#8. Casey
#9. Katie
#10. Lacey
#11. Andrew
#12. Tim



I don’t think Tim will go home because I think there are still young girls (or gross women that like young boys) that will vote for him, so it’s either Lacey or Andrew.


UPDATE/SPOILER – LACEY WENT HOME


Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Idol. HUH. Good god. What is it good for?

Posted by The Bludge on March 11, 2010


First, I must apologize for not taking any pix of the contestants this week, but there was really nothing I wanted to remember by image for all eternity.


Lee Dewyze starts us off singing a song I’ve never heard before, I don’t think.
I don’t really care to hear it again either, really.
Apparently some guy named Adam Young made it popular? It’s called Fireflies.

I’m confused by Lee; sometimes his voice is growly, and sometimes it’s gravelly.
Well, he’s just…
I don’t…
I’m just not feeling him, I guess.
He was mostly in tune, so long as he wasn’t trying to hold a note at all.
I might vote for him just because I’d rather see other guys leave.


#2 Alex Lambert
Oh, Mullet.
His voice is kind of annoying tonight. Very nasally.
Other than that I got nothin’.


#3 Tim Urban decided to sing “Hallelujah”
BLEH!
GOD!
His voice is great though.


#4 Andrew Garcia, trying desperately to make as much of an impression on all of us that he did when he sang Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” sang Christina Aguilera’s “Genie in a Bottle”.
I dunno how I feel about that.
Part of me thinks he is trying too hard and the other half isn’t a judge-mental bitch.


#5 Casey James
Singing Keith Urban’s “You’ll Think of Me”
BOOOOOORIIIINNNG

That was about as interesting as a blade of grass.
As engaging as a packing peanut.
As entertaining as watching a dog lick its butt.

Looks like the judge-mental bitch is back!!


#6 Aaron “Furrowed Brow” Kelly is butchering Lonestar’s “I’m Already There”.
I wish I had a pair of Doc Martens because I would love to kick Aaron in the jaw.
WHAT?!
It would give him character!
And hardship! That would help him really connect with his more emotional songs!
See? I’m TOTALLY looking out for little man.

Holy crepes what a terrible performance.
He was only in key by accident.
He looked like he was being controlled by an angry puppet master.


#7 Todrick is going big tonight singing Queen’s “Somebody to Love”
Them’s big balls.
Nothing I can say other than “Great performance!” (Seriously)


#8 WHOAH
Right out the gate Big Mike is bringing the falsetto and it’s GOOD.
I’m not familiar with the song, “This Woman’s Word”
OMG his wife is in the audience! Damn she looks great!
OMG I LOVE BIG MIKE!!

He just kept delivering throughout the whole performance!
Even when he was a bit goofy dancing around and being all into it it was still TOTALLY LOVABLE!
He even ended on a great falsetto.
Y’all know I don’t even like falsetto but Big Mike is fuckin’ awesome.
He made Kara cry!!


So here’s my list of greatest to lamest:
#1. Big Mike
#2. Todrick
#3. Tim (though I HATE to admit it)
#4. Lee
#5. Andrew
#6. Casey
#7. Alex

#10: Aaron



I base my grading system on many factors, like singing in tune, entertaining the crowd, engaging the audience, not being awkward, being a hot mess, thinking about [CENSORED] to you, etc. If you don’t agree, feel free to tell me why…not that I’m going to give a shit.



Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

It’s Time for Your Weekly American Idol Exam

Posted by The Bludge on March 10, 2010

If I got paid to blog, I would be getting paid for eating Cocoa Krispies right now.
I mean….fiber. Some…healthy…fiber.
Uhhh, shit, what is healthy and made of fiber?
Twine?
Yes, of course.
I’m eating Twine.

Anywhore (hi Diane), let’s get to talking about American Idol – the Top 8 femme’s!!

Shit’s getting pretty serious now, I mean, this is the last show where the boys and girls are split.
Now that I think about it, that will be nice, I’ll only have to ignore my children two days a week instead of three.
Hey, don’t blame me, America. Blame American Idol, America.

You know, though I have liked a lot of the contestants, I have never IDOLIZED any of them. I’ve undressed more than a few of them (with my eyes people), but some of the people I idolize are that asshole that made the Snuggie (fucking genius. Asshole genius.) and the creator of the compostable-in-less-than-2-weeks Sun Chips bag that is louder than a cheaply-made-movie thunder storm (Seriously, find one of the new bags and crinkle it, I dare you.).

Um, so…American Idol, right!?!?

We are down to 8 “women” and this week the show is only an hour (THANK YOU BABY JESUS) but we don’t get fun intro videos about how Haeley likes to pet cats and Katie can cross her eyes, and Paige once shook the hand of someone who looked like Reggie Jackson but she doesn’t really know who Reggie Jackson is so prolly it wasn’t him anyway.

I’m sorry, I probably should have warned you that before the Cocoa Krispies I may or may not (HINT: it’s MAY!) have had some coffee.

Because Fox knows you’re a moron and you’ve forgotten all about how they tried to make it seem like Ellen and Simon hated each other, they treated us to this lovely image

IMG01825.jpg


So Katie Stevens went first.
You may remember that Katie is 17 and, in her attempts to sound young, she has sung a song by a 34 year old, and a 31 year old.
Following an easy (but not helpful) mathematical formula, she is singing Kelly Clarkson today.
If you guessed that Kelly is 28, you’re right! (Yay! You can subtract!).
If Katie is still around for week 92 of Idol she may just get around to actually singing a song by someone relative to her age!! (SPOILER: If she were around for 4 more weeks it could happen except she’ll be sent home this Thursday).
Katie warbled through Kelly Clarkson’s song “Breakaway”.

It was not great.
She was pitchy and she just came off so…high school musical.
Not like the MOVIE High School Musical, but campy like she was singing at her high school’s musical.

So yeah…just like the movie.
I agree with Ellen, Katie is just presenting the songs to us, she isn’t really PERFORMING them.

Also, she had stupid pants

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Siobhan gave us another weird-but good performance.
She sang “House of the Rising Sun” which she started out singing a capella!
BALLS!

I thought her voice was dead-on and even though it’s a fucked up song choice, I still loved it and her voice is pretty bitchin.


Lacey Brown sang Brandy Carlisle’s “The Story” which I’ve never heard and unless you’re an emo 23 year old you probably haven’t either.
Lacey is just…..odd.
She’s got this rocker look and yet she sings like….like Dolly Parton mixed with….I dunno, Dido?
Her voice is great this week but this song….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Katelyn Epperly sang Carol King’s “I Feel the Earth Move”.
I didn’t think the song was going to work, and well, it didn’t.
Also, homegirl played the keyboard.
WEIRD.
That would be fine if she was singing Devo or something from the 80s/early 90s.
I thought for SURE Simon would say the word “karaoke” and DAMN did he get close, instead he said “restaurant singer”.
Her voice is ok and I don’t know if I’d buy her albums but I would totally make out with her in a back booth at a seedy bar.


Didi Benami sang Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon”
I wasn’t sure WHAT to expect because I dislike Stevie Nicks and I wasn’t sure this song would sound “very current” but I liked it.
I LOVE me some Didi, though.
She even looks like she should be singing this song today.

IMG01830.jpg

Wow.
Simon said she was the best of the night! Siobhan was a damned close second then.
Ok, I actually went back and listened to them both again and yeah, Didi was pretty much perfect!
Damn, I’d like to take Didi to an amusement park and ride the log flume with her.
What?
That’s not a euphemism, it just sound like fun.


Was it Bring Your Kid to Work day? Because someone let a 12 year old do these seriously lame dual-shot-camera action

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I would like to mention 2 things, first: I think Kara is wearing a Paula cast-off

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Second, and you’ll be thankful that I DON’T have a photographic example, I can’t stop staring at Ellen’s neck. I know I’m trying not to pick on people because of their appearance but that doololly just seems out of place!!


Putting the last nail in the coffin of Simon’s very mistaken early opinion of her having the best voice out of all of the contestants, Paige Miles attempted to sing very seriously and she was so nervous and shaky and out of pitch (like crappy presidential-first-pitch-of-the-season pitchy) and 17 different kinds of awful.
Also, her outfit was less than satisfactory.


Before, I could never understand what the hell the judges meant by “We don’t know what kind of artist you are” but now I totally get it. You can’t just sing a song, you have to know it inside and out, be intimate with it, take it to bed, give it a back massage, braid its hair, whisper sweet nothings into….

Whoah.

Good for Simon, he’s doing his monthly breast exam

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Crystal Bowersox didn’t surprise anyone by giving another good performance, she sang “Gimme One Reason” by Tracy Chapman.
I’m curious as to why there’s an old-timey amp on the stage

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WAIT! A clue to what was wrong with her last week!?! After she finished singing she sat on the amp to talk to the judges.
AHA!

What does that mean?


Lilly Scott closed the show playing a ukelele to Patsy Cline’s “I Fall to Pieces” (actually Randy said it was a mandolin).
Ok, this is a SAD song and she’s making it sound really trite.
This song is WAY too major and epic and passionate and Lilly is RUINING it with her annoying-and very sharp-voice.
WHAT!? Randy liked this performance?!?
And Ellen?
AND KARA!?!?
PHEW, thank God Simon didn’t blow smoke up her arse too!

Also, she is wearing dust bunnies as earrings

IMG01836.jpg


Here is my ranking:
#1. Didi
#2. Siobhan
#3. Crystal
#4. Lacey
#5. Katelyn
#6. Lilly
#7 Katie
#8. Paige

Bye bye girls!


NOTE: Sorry that my pictures are so small and sucky, I recorded the NON HD version sort of on purpose but also, there were squirrels involved and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Suffice to say, don’t wear white after Labor Day.


Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Whole Lotta Yellin’

Posted by The Bludge on March 4, 2010

Top 10 Girls!

So, good news!
Crystal Bowersox is going to perform today!
The thing is, we don’t know WHY she was in the hospital!!!
ARGH!!

She sounded just fine, so I am assuming it was not throat related.
She walked down the stairs fine so I’m assuming it wasn’t leg related.
She played guitar, so I’m assuming it wasn’t arm related.
I’m guessing maybe she’s diabetic?
Or possibly she’s an alien.

ANYheadlice, Crystal performed first, she sang Creedance’s “As Long as I can See the Light” and it occurred to me during, that no one has told her she’s been pitchy, like most of the contestants here.
I really like her, though I wish she’d open her eyes more and connect with the audience, it kind of feels like she’s shutting us out.

Crystal reminds me of someone and I can’t tell if it’s just Julia Stiles or if there’s someone else in my (usually bankrupt) memory bank…

Did anyone else think she had just a bit of teeth work done? Maybe some lightening?
That just gave me a mental picture of a lightening bolt hitting her teeth.
Hmmmmm, maybe THAT’S why she was in the hospital!!!!


Um, so why does Kara’s ponytail have its own afro?

AI REVIEW



Going second was Haeley who, we learned, makes headbands with Elmer’s glue.
Damn, HOW old is she!?
Haeley is going to sing “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus. Well, if she’s in tune .05% of the time, her version will be about 700 times better than Miley’s…

Oh, no.

Bad news.

It’s JUST like Miley’s version.

RIGHT after I wrote down “I REALLY wish they hadn’t let her in because she’ll be so much better in a year’s time,” Kara said almost the EXACT same thing.
I knew I liked her.
This season.


#3 Lacey Brown.
Lacey showcased her artistic talent in her video before she performed. I’m jealous!!
She’s taking Kara’s advice and singing Six Pence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me.”
I think her sound was MUCH better this week, but after watching the first 20 seconds of her performance I didn’t really watch the rest because none of it was that interesting.
I was impressed by her ability to walk on 7 inch heels that were microscopically thin. Ok, they were more like 3 or 4 inches, but they were REALLY skinny!!


#4 Katie Stevens
Trying to sound younger than last week, when she sang 34-year-old Michael Buble’s version of “You Know How I Feel”, Katie sang “Put your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae.

Here’s the thing.

Corinne is 31.


#5 Didi Benami
AAAAAAAaaaaaahhhhhh I just think Didi is SO CUTE!!!!!!
Benami is such a different name I had to look it up. I think it is Israeli?
Speaking of names, I was curious as to what Didi is short for and I found that it is not short for anything, her real name-if the internets are correct (namely http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com) is Vered.
Also, I learned the reason that Tim Urban is on the show is because (quickly forgotten) Chris Golightly was booted from the top 24 because he had signed an exclusive contract with a boy band.

YAY INTARTUBES!!!

ANYJewy, Didi sang “Lean on Me” and I liked it but I didn’t think the judges would…and they didn’t.
I think almost crying might have garnered Didi a few extra sympathy votes.


#6 Michelle is gorgeous and reminds me of Leona Lewis mashed up with Janet Jackson.
She sang Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” and while it wasn’t SPECTACULAR, it was good.
But, why is she wearing the top half of a wedding dress?

I think the judges will say it was pitchy and weird.
Oh good, at least Kara and Simon liked it, I would like to keep Michelle around cuz she’s nice to look at.

OMG it really is a wedding dress! It’s a Vera Wang who (SHOCKINGLY) is in the audience.


#7 Lilly Scott
Singing Sam Cook’s “Change is Gonna Come”, just like about 1,700 other Idol contestants.
Hey! Lilly plays the melodica!! Thanks to Mel of Sirsy or I wouldn’t know what that thing is!
She looks great but I am just NOT getting this performance…granted, it’s about 12 seconds into it…this song is just…weird.
Now SHE needs to sing Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up!”

I just DON’T get it, the judges LOVED it.
Yeah, I think she has a cool voice and she seems cool but she has an indie voice and not a soulie (what?) voice.


#8 Katelyn Epperly.
DAMN.
She fine.
Wait, she’s over 18, right?

She’s singing “The Scientist” by Coldplay.
Wow, I like the dramatic lighting and everything, she’s going to play the piano and sing!!
WHY are all of these people so talented!? Where’s mine!?

How did they get the piano out on that round stage?

I love her.
How the hell is she playing the piano in 4 inch platforms?


#9 Paige Miles
Um. Paige’s little mini-bio revealed that she likes to color.
She colors.
Wow.
That is about as interesting and mature as picking your nose (don’t act like you don’t do it too).

I like her personality. She’s doing “Walk Away” by Kelly Clarkson
She didn’t sound different than Kelly.


#10 Siobhan
Does she have a lisp, too?
She is going to tackle Aretha Franklin(haha wouldn’t that be funny!?)’s “Think”.
Little girl does have a big voice but she’s singing from the back of her throat/nose area and oh no, now she’s yelling and screeching a bit.
Some of her yelling was bad, but at least once it was perfect!



I know you guys are totally waiting to find out who I think is going home!!
For the gals I think Katie and Lilly, for no particular reason.
And the guys? Andrew & Todrick.
NO idea why I chose them either.


Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

The One Where Nothing Interesting Happened

Posted by The Bludge on March 3, 2010

Top 10 Boys!!

Today was supposed to be the Top 10 Girls but Crystal is in the hospital!!

Yikes! I wonder why?
Remember when Megan “Caw caw” (Corkery) Joy sang even though she had pneumonia, mono, meningitis, and AIDS or something?
That was the only time I ever liked her, because that took bawls.


Anyway, Randy matches the set background today.

AI REVIEW

Odd.


Looks like Kara had a visit from the Aquanet fairy.

AI REVIEW

Is it just me or is she channeling Susan Lucci?

Oh! AND, she didn’t swing around the bat wings tonight!
She’s still sleeveless, but this time she just waved her hand.
Attagirl, Grandma!


So…more Billboard Hits!



#1 Big Mike – We learn that in high school he was a football player and musical theatre participant.
He benches 505 pounds. To prove that he can lift at least 45 pounds, he lifts Aaron “Boy Band” Kelly.

AI REVIEW

Mike’s going to sing James Brown’s “It’s a Man’s World.” I am not familiar with this song.
I appreciate him not theatrecising (I make up words) his performance too much, and he sings well, but I’m just not LOVING it.
Randy did though, and gave Mike a standing ovation. Actually, all of the judges really liked it.
I must admit, I like who Mike seems to be, fun, upbeat, caring, funny, etc.


#02 John Park sang “Gravity” by John Mayer.
Phew, that was pitchy. Do you think he could maybe pull off Usher? I mean, vocally?
Prolly he doesn’t have the swagger.

So, I was not a fan of John’s performance, it was kinda boring. But I voted for him anyway because I thought he had so much potential…was it just a fluke?

Are there any big asian pop singers?

I GIS’d (it’s Google Image Searched, Mom) “big asian pop star” (luckily I didn’t come up with fat guys) and I have NO idea if she’s even a pop star but (really, who cares) I came up with this:

Thank you, Asia!!

Turns out she is a “huge asian pop star”, which totally makes sense because I have heard of her…..never.


#03 Casey James is apparently really high because he thought he could sing the same exact song as many NOT winners of previous American Idol seasons and actually sound different.
Sure, I give him props for wailing on the guitar at the beginning and end, but it’s a damned good thing he ended the song with a guitar solo to wake us up from the canned performance that was less than endearing.
If he hadn’t pulled that move, I don’t think people would’ve voted for him.

Oh, who am I kidding?? Chix will vote for him anyway because they think he’s hot.

It’s not that I don’t think he’s hot, he’s ok looking, but I can’t be attracted to men with prettier hair than mine.


#04 Mr. Mullet (Alex Lambert)

Is the mullet ironic?

Ok, so this season and forward, I’m going to try not to be so appearance-oriented.
Last year I hated on Adam Lambert for being such a gay (only because I’m not exactly the demographic to sell gay boy singers to-not cuz he’s gay).
Having said that (and making completely no sense), and not trying to be mean, if Alex didn’t have a mullet there might not be anything interesting enough for him to stick out.
He does have a cool voice, and he was MILES better than last week, but he needs more…oomph.


#05 Mr. Todrick Hall, I do not like your hair this week.

IMG01798.jpg

Also, I accidentally wrote “Todick”. HAHA.

So, Toedick sang “What’s Love Got to do with it” by the legendary Tina Turner.
The singing was……not good.
Performance was a bit boring but he just has so much going for him and he does have a good voice, so I voted for him.


#06 Jermaine Sellers

Oh, dear, sweet, 7 pound 9 ounce baby Jesus*.

Jermaine is wearing footie pajamas.

He is calling it a onesie, but if you’re a parent, you know it’s footies!!
(I should point out that he isn’t wearing the footie PJs to perform in)

I really like how flamboyant he is but what in Pee Wee Herman hell is he wearing?

AI REVIEW

He sang “What’s Goin’ On” by Marvin Gaye and it’s not great-prolly needs to come down a key.
Once he started talking to the judges after he performed I decided that I don’t like his cocky attitude.
He made a comment that basically equates to “God will put me through to next week.”
Oh, good. God is calling in votes for Jermaine, so don’t worry about calling, ok?


#07 Andrew Garcia
He’s a breakdancer! Yay!
I remember in high school when this tiny little boy was breakdancing and I thought it was SO LAME, cuz breaking was like, SO 1987 and it was like, TOTALLY 1992.
Anyway, I bet he makes bank now. (Call me, Peter!)

ANYnerdglasses, Andrew is singing James Morrison’s “You Give Me Something.”
I do not know this song.
I do not care to know this song.
Why is Andrew dressed like he’s about to clock in to work at Aeropostale? He needs to get rid of the scarf and put something more manly around his neck, like barbells or condoms or something.
He has NO expression on his face, like his mind is in another room and his body is going through the motions (of possibly getting a rectal exam).

The judges made a good point, he has GOT to do something better than when he sang Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” at Hollywood week cuz that was bitchin, and this performance was not.

I voted for Andrew anyway because his wife is ADORABLE.

AI REVIEW


#08 Boy Band (Aaron Kelly)
Two good things about Boyband; 1) he is an amateur photographer (me too!), and 2) his performance was 50% better this week! It was a bit immature and awkward, but he’s SIXTEEN!! He prolly has to wear 7 pairs of underwear so he doesn’t get a boner onstage.
Puberty is a helluva thing.

Sidenote – Who is Justin Beiber?
(I get that he’s famous. I’m guessing prolly a singer?)


#09 Tim Urban
I WANT to like him and his performance, but there’s something missing…
Maybe it’s because he seems like a totally vanilla, pristine christian and I just have nothing in common with him.
😀
The judges were kinda brutal but Simon thought he improved, I would rather see Tim stay than Jermaine.


#10 Lee Dewyze
So, Lee used to be a schlub.
Bad in school, dead-end job as a paint salesman, so, I like that he gets the chance to make it big and show kids that you can be a piece of crap in your teenage years but actually make a conscious decision to CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR and change your life.
I sure wish someone had told ME that.
(Not that I would’ve listened)

Anyscruffy, I did not like that he yanked his draws up onstage.
Twice.
I will not deduct points however because I am glad he didn’t grab his crotch.

I’m not sure “Lips of an Angel” by the Pretenders was a great choice for Lee because he wasn’t really on key a lot, so maybe for next week he does a more upbeat song where he doesn’t have to hold notes?
I did not vote for Lee but only because I DVR the show and by the time I got to Lee it was JUST midnight so time was up. I think.


It’s 10:30pm on Wednesday now and there’s NO chance I will get through the entire episode from today of the top 10 girls before voting time has ended, BUT, I do know that Crystal was supposed to sing!

Also, if my husband comes home from work AGAIN and has to watch American Idol AGAIN while I constantly pause it to write down comments AND pause it to take screen captures I am pretty sure he will leave me.
Hmmm, but then I will get the bed all to myself again!
BBL, gonna go watch Idol!!


*waves* Hi Carolyn & Nanci!!




Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »