The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

It’s Time for Your Weekly American Idol Exam

Posted by The Bludge on March 10, 2010

If I got paid to blog, I would be getting paid for eating Cocoa Krispies right now.
I mean….fiber. Some…healthy…fiber.
Uhhh, shit, what is healthy and made of fiber?
Twine?
Yes, of course.
I’m eating Twine.

Anywhore (hi Diane), let’s get to talking about American Idol – the Top 8 femme’s!!

Shit’s getting pretty serious now, I mean, this is the last show where the boys and girls are split.
Now that I think about it, that will be nice, I’ll only have to ignore my children two days a week instead of three.
Hey, don’t blame me, America. Blame American Idol, America.

You know, though I have liked a lot of the contestants, I have never IDOLIZED any of them. I’ve undressed more than a few of them (with my eyes people), but some of the people I idolize are that asshole that made the Snuggie (fucking genius. Asshole genius.) and the creator of the compostable-in-less-than-2-weeks Sun Chips bag that is louder than a cheaply-made-movie thunder storm (Seriously, find one of the new bags and crinkle it, I dare you.).

Um, so…American Idol, right!?!?

We are down to 8 “women” and this week the show is only an hour (THANK YOU BABY JESUS) but we don’t get fun intro videos about how Haeley likes to pet cats and Katie can cross her eyes, and Paige once shook the hand of someone who looked like Reggie Jackson but she doesn’t really know who Reggie Jackson is so prolly it wasn’t him anyway.

I’m sorry, I probably should have warned you that before the Cocoa Krispies I may or may not (HINT: it’s MAY!) have had some coffee.

Because Fox knows you’re a moron and you’ve forgotten all about how they tried to make it seem like Ellen and Simon hated each other, they treated us to this lovely image

IMG01825.jpg


So Katie Stevens went first.
You may remember that Katie is 17 and, in her attempts to sound young, she has sung a song by a 34 year old, and a 31 year old.
Following an easy (but not helpful) mathematical formula, she is singing Kelly Clarkson today.
If you guessed that Kelly is 28, you’re right! (Yay! You can subtract!).
If Katie is still around for week 92 of Idol she may just get around to actually singing a song by someone relative to her age!! (SPOILER: If she were around for 4 more weeks it could happen except she’ll be sent home this Thursday).
Katie warbled through Kelly Clarkson’s song “Breakaway”.

It was not great.
She was pitchy and she just came off so…high school musical.
Not like the MOVIE High School Musical, but campy like she was singing at her high school’s musical.

So yeah…just like the movie.
I agree with Ellen, Katie is just presenting the songs to us, she isn’t really PERFORMING them.

Also, she had stupid pants

IMG01826.jpg


Siobhan gave us another weird-but good performance.
She sang “House of the Rising Sun” which she started out singing a capella!
BALLS!

I thought her voice was dead-on and even though it’s a fucked up song choice, I still loved it and her voice is pretty bitchin.


Lacey Brown sang Brandy Carlisle’s “The Story” which I’ve never heard and unless you’re an emo 23 year old you probably haven’t either.
Lacey is just…..odd.
She’s got this rocker look and yet she sings like….like Dolly Parton mixed with….I dunno, Dido?
Her voice is great this week but this song….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Katelyn Epperly sang Carol King’s “I Feel the Earth Move”.
I didn’t think the song was going to work, and well, it didn’t.
Also, homegirl played the keyboard.
WEIRD.
That would be fine if she was singing Devo or something from the 80s/early 90s.
I thought for SURE Simon would say the word “karaoke” and DAMN did he get close, instead he said “restaurant singer”.
Her voice is ok and I don’t know if I’d buy her albums but I would totally make out with her in a back booth at a seedy bar.


Didi Benami sang Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon”
I wasn’t sure WHAT to expect because I dislike Stevie Nicks and I wasn’t sure this song would sound “very current” but I liked it.
I LOVE me some Didi, though.
She even looks like she should be singing this song today.

IMG01830.jpg

Wow.
Simon said she was the best of the night! Siobhan was a damned close second then.
Ok, I actually went back and listened to them both again and yeah, Didi was pretty much perfect!
Damn, I’d like to take Didi to an amusement park and ride the log flume with her.
What?
That’s not a euphemism, it just sound like fun.


Was it Bring Your Kid to Work day? Because someone let a 12 year old do these seriously lame dual-shot-camera action

IMG01827.jpg


I would like to mention 2 things, first: I think Kara is wearing a Paula cast-off

IMG01831.jpg

Second, and you’ll be thankful that I DON’T have a photographic example, I can’t stop staring at Ellen’s neck. I know I’m trying not to pick on people because of their appearance but that doololly just seems out of place!!


Putting the last nail in the coffin of Simon’s very mistaken early opinion of her having the best voice out of all of the contestants, Paige Miles attempted to sing very seriously and she was so nervous and shaky and out of pitch (like crappy presidential-first-pitch-of-the-season pitchy) and 17 different kinds of awful.
Also, her outfit was less than satisfactory.


Before, I could never understand what the hell the judges meant by “We don’t know what kind of artist you are” but now I totally get it. You can’t just sing a song, you have to know it inside and out, be intimate with it, take it to bed, give it a back massage, braid its hair, whisper sweet nothings into….

Whoah.

Good for Simon, he’s doing his monthly breast exam

IMG01834.jpg


Crystal Bowersox didn’t surprise anyone by giving another good performance, she sang “Gimme One Reason” by Tracy Chapman.
I’m curious as to why there’s an old-timey amp on the stage

IMG01835.jpg

WAIT! A clue to what was wrong with her last week!?! After she finished singing she sat on the amp to talk to the judges.
AHA!

What does that mean?


Lilly Scott closed the show playing a ukelele to Patsy Cline’s “I Fall to Pieces” (actually Randy said it was a mandolin).
Ok, this is a SAD song and she’s making it sound really trite.
This song is WAY too major and epic and passionate and Lilly is RUINING it with her annoying-and very sharp-voice.
WHAT!? Randy liked this performance?!?
And Ellen?
AND KARA!?!?
PHEW, thank God Simon didn’t blow smoke up her arse too!

Also, she is wearing dust bunnies as earrings

IMG01836.jpg


Here is my ranking:
#1. Didi
#2. Siobhan
#3. Crystal
#4. Lacey
#5. Katelyn
#6. Lilly
#7 Katie
#8. Paige

Bye bye girls!


NOTE: Sorry that my pictures are so small and sucky, I recorded the NON HD version sort of on purpose but also, there were squirrels involved and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Suffice to say, don’t wear white after Labor Day.


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4 Responses to “It’s Time for Your Weekly American Idol Exam”

  1. Nanci said

    See, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Chrystal…but I hate Stevie Nicks too so we can still be cyber friends and all.

    Ellen’s neck scares me. Shouldn’t there be a surgery for her neck? My boyfriend said she looked awful and I reminded him that A. She’s 50 something and B. She is the one woman who could entice me to go South of the Border. His response was to A. Throw up a little in his mouth B. Spend 10 minutes examining HIS neck in the mirror and comparing it to Ellens and C-X, ask me exactly how Ellen and I would spend our time….south of the border. Weird. All because Ellen has a chicken neck and forgot her ascot.

    BOYS tonight. I hope Casey wears his hair down. Aside from that, I have no hopes and dreams for this group.

    -Nanci

  2. Wayne Marshall said

    Katie: Someone has been playing American Idol Karaoke Revolution and got platinum on this song. Why else would she think she did it well? If she stays around, I can only expect “My Heart Will Go On” next, since it is one of the other big songs on the game. Hey, I have two daughters…that’s why I know so much about it…yea…that’s why.

    Siobhan: This is an example of either you like someone or don’t…I don’t. She is a good singer, but there is just something about her I don’t like. Maybe it’s her Bjorkish demeanor. Hehe….that sounds like the name of tennis player….Bjorkish Demeanor wins the match!

    Lacey: She could sing my favorite song along with Robert Smith, the reanimated corpse of Frank Sinatra and the remaining Beatles and I still wouldn’t care. Everything just seems so contrived for me with her. She wants to be a little of this and a little of that and I don’t really want any of it.

    Katelyn: I didn’t notice if she still had dirt on her hands from digging up that musical corpse. It wasn’t that great when Carol King did it and I thought Martika finished it off with a bullet to the bridge. Horrible choice for a song.

    Didi: She’s good but I am waiting for that moment where the gets great. As long as she remains “good” she’ll have time to get there.

    Paige: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
    Sorry, fell asleep for a minute. I appreciate that you love the song and it makes you cry, but your job as a singer/performer is to make us understand why it makes you feel this way. Crying during the song only makes us uncomfortable.

    Crystal: Waiting for her to do something that doesn’t seem like I should be hanging out at the a local coffee house in the mid 90’s. Her comfort zone must be very snuggly because she just isn’t leaving it.
    btw Crystal has diabetes and had an issue last week that caused her to go to the hospital.

    Lilly: Again, another case of like or not…I like her. Not the greatest song for her (Crazy or Walkin’ After Midnight would have suited her more) and she always starts off songs rather weak, but then in the middle I get into it. I’ll be interested to see what else she does if she sticks around.

  3. teeth whitening said

    Well said. I never thought I would agree with this opinion, but I’m starting to see things from a different view. I have to research more on this as it seems very interesting. One thing I don’t understand though is how everything is related together.

  4. diane said

    Hi! This blog even had noteworthy comments on it! I lvoe yer blogs!
    My new term apparently is lvoe..?
    I will continue to not watch Idol because you are entertaining me much more than me sitting through entire shows myself with nothing funny to think of being generated by my retarded head.
    Lerve ya!

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