The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

American Mediocre

Posted by The Bludge on March 25, 2010

Top 11!!!!!!!!!!!


This week everyone will be singing #1 Hits on the Billboard Charts!!

Thank God there’s only about 700 million songs to choose from because I’d hate for them to be confused or overwhelmed.
(Actually, I think the real number was about 2,080. Except I’m sure that there were some repeat offenders in there.)
UPDATE – Wiki says there’s been 983 different #1 hits and it MUST be true cuz I read it one the intartubes.

The way it seemed though, it was ILLEGAL to sing a song that has been popular in the last 60 years.


Apparently the world is coming to an end and God DOES hate me because MILEY CYRUS was the MENTOR for this week.
MILEY.
FUCKING.
CYRUS.

MENTORING.

YES! I SAID MILEY CYRUS!!

WTF!?

I do NOT fault her that she is 17 and giving advice because it’s impossible to argue that she has a LOT of experience in both TV, movie, and performing.
Note – I did NOT mention in ANY of that, actual singing.

Miley Cyrus has as much business mentoring American Idol contestants as Ellen Degeneres does judgi….oh shit.

Ok, well Miley Cyrus mentoring American Idol contestants makes as much sense as Jim Carey coaching Johnny Depp in acting.

I mean, did the producers not hear Miley’s performance last year!?!!?
It sounded like kicking a Pomeranian into a virgin’s vagina.


#1 Lee Dewyze
Look, I’m not big on remembering people’s names from whatever band and stuff, so when I heard Alex Chilton died, I said, “Who?” and then I didn’t bother listening to the answer cuz really? I don’t care.
I mean, I didn’t know who he was when he was alive, so it’s not like I should give a shit exactly who he is now, ok? Not that he wasn’t important, I’m sure to some people he was, but I have already spent about 5 minutes too long of my life talking about the guy.
ANYloser, Lee sang one of that dead guy’s songs, “The Letter” by The Box Tops or some shit. I guess that Alex person wrote it or whatever.

I wouldn’t know HALF of these songs by their name-unless I hear them, I have NO idea.

Lee’s performance was kinda bluesy jazzy and I liked it! He’s like a more-attractive version of that glasses/dead-wife guy from last season. You know, that guy…what’s his name? DANNY! Danny Gokey, that’s it!
Yeah, so Lee is like, a little better looking, but also probably about 14 times dumber (I’m just guessing, I mean, mixing paint isn’t exactly rocket science).
He’s probably better in bed though.
What?!?
Roughnecks usually are more fun.

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Lee. So he needs to connect with the audience more, he was mostly just shifting around on the stage and doing this twitchy thing with his left hand – it was just flailing about randomly like a ham sandwich with a dying rat inside of it.

Um, I think I had too much sugar today.
Anyhighschooldropout, I kind of agree with Simon that his song wasn’t something that would be on the radio, I mean, I wouldn’t buy the single but this is fucking American Idol.
And have you heard the shit they put on the radio?
“Umbrella ella ella”
“GA GA OOH LALA CA CA POO POO”

I think Lee did a really good job, the arrangement was fresh and fun and other than not wanting to actually WATCH him perform, I think it was his best performance. (lol)


#2 Paige Miles
Supposedly, Paige was going to sing “Against All Odds”, which is a Phil Collins song that Mariah Carey decided to dig up and assfuck and re-bury.
I’m pretty sure the majority of humans and dogs in the listening area wish that it had never resurfaced.
The word “pitchy” doesn’t even come CLOSE to the fuckery that was presented.
It was worse than karaoke at 1am when all the drunk girls that haven’t found some penis to go home with have gotten all emotional and start thinking they can sing like Mariah.
She sounded best last week when she had laryngitis and I really really REALLY hope (times a bajillion) that she goes home.


#3 Tim Urban sang Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and it was cheesy and vanilla and corny – apparently there was a lot of food involved.
He played to his fan base of tween girls and I’m sure they’ll vote for his cute little tush even though his singing was VERY plain/boring.


#4 Aaron “I’ll sound SO different when I hit puberty” Kelly.
Uh oh, little Aaron has laryngitis AND tonsillitis!!
Out of all of the contestants I didn’t peg him to be making out with Paige, but ok.

So it was HILARIOUS to hear little Aaron’s little-boy voice and then Miley Cyrus’s 50-year-old-2-pack-of-Marlboro-Reds-a-day-habit voice.

ANYtinypecker, Aaron sang Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” and the very first thing he did (I think?) was cough into the mic. Heh.
Ok, he has a great voice, and for his age he has some SERIOUS control, I actually enjoy his muted runs.

If anything detracted from his performance it was not his being sick, he just needs an eyebrow wax.

Side note – if that is what laryngitis does, could I have some, please?


#5 Crystal SHOCKINGLY sang “Me and Booby (typo and it stays) McGee” (SHOCKING!)

SOOOOOOO typical and NOT special and SAFE SAFE SAFE for her.
We all know she can sing that same old shit, what she REALLY needs to sing is Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.”


#6 Big Mike
LOVED his time with Miley, he wasn’t intimidated even though she could probably tan a bit more and successfully disguise herself as one of his fingers.
He was just so COOL and comfortable.
I was wondering how they find clothes for him though.

Mike decided to sing “When A Man Loves A Woman” and OMG IT WAS TERRIBLE!!!!!
Not his singing or anything, he’s great, but my HORMONES!! GTFO already!! WTF, nature?

I do have to say to Mike though, stop licking your lips, you are NO LLCoolJ.


#7 Andrew bored the CRAP right out of my butt with “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye.
UGH. I already don’t like it, he’s sung about 4 notes and they’re ALL BORING.
I’m not sure which is worse, Paige sucking so bad or Andrew being boring as BALLS.
He’s acting really weird – more talkative/flirty – is he drunk?


#8 Katie Stevens, still confused apparently on what age she actually is, sang Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”.
Yes, it was a pop song that probably young girls like, but…
Fergie is 35.
Katie was pitchy but I think it might have been her best performance yet, even though she can’t really pull off the sassy attitude that she was attempting.


#9 Schmuck, I mean, Casey sang Huey Lewis’s “Power of Love”
but not before he told Miley Cyrus “I’m a big fan of your………Dad’s.”
Wow. I’m not a Miley fan but that was pretty fucked up.

So…he sounds EXACTLY like Huey and I’m trying to figure out why this song is interesting at all and I figured out why I couldn’t, cuz it WASN’T.

Side note – How can Ellen’s face be SO smooth and her neck be SO…..DOOLOLLY

#10 Didi!
She sang “You’re No Good” by Linda Rontdtstadtdt
She was a little too scowly, the song was OK, but it just was……I dunno, lacking something.

Ok contestants, I have heard “I had fun” too many times.
Stop saying “I had fun.”
I don’t give a FUCK.
You are there to entertain ME bitch.


#11 Siobhan sang one of my FAVORITE songs of ALLTIME, Stevie Wonder’s Superstition.
It is EPIC.
For Siobhan, it’s just too…..singy. It needs more funk.

Oh honey, no. STOP FUCKING SCREAMING.
YOU are NO Adam Lambert.
When Simon said last week, “You’re almost going to have to do the scream every week” he was NOT being SERIOUS.


So, that’s it!!
Here’s my ranking:

#1. Lee
#2. Aaron
#3. Mike
#4. Siobhan
#5. Katie
#6. Crystal
#7. Didi
#8. Casey
#9. Tim
#10. Andrew
#11. Paige

Dear 7 pound 9 ounce baby Jesus, PLEASE get rid of Paige. Maybe bring her back next year after she has some singing lessons and/or just give her permanent laryngitis.



GREAT NEWS!!!! PAIGE IS GONZO!!!!!


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2 Responses to “American Mediocre”

  1. Amanda said

    “You are there to entertain ME bitch.”

    HELL YES!!!!!!! Stop saying “well I had fun!” Who cares if you had fun if you SUCKED???

  2. diane said

    Dear 7 pound 9 ounce baby Jesus, let me not be restricted from reading this most hilarious blog although I know I’ll go to hell for doing so.

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