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Unce. Tice. Fee Times I’m Late

Posted by The Bludge on April 21, 2010

(Bludge note – this entry was hiding, unpublished; so even though it’s like, a year late and irrelevant, here it is)

*sheepish look*

“Hi, my name is The Bludge, and, um, it’s been three weeks since my last update.”

“Hi Bludge”

I don’t know what happened you guys, I think it was a lack of chocolate but I just couldn’t get motivated to actually write up an entry, even though I watched the shows on time and took notes.

SO, let’s re-cap!

The Top 9 show theme was Lennon and McCartney songs.

The pre-performance bios this week are the contestants talking about each other.

Sucio!!

First up is Yoda, I mean, Aaron. Apparently the other contestants speak like Yoda around him, though he has no obsession with Star Wars and he is not green or wise beyond his years.
He sang “The Long and Winding Road” and Kara accurately referred to it as a “Long and Winding song”.
It was about as entertaining as Reese Witherspoon.
Oh shit, did I just type that?
Yup.

Next up is Katie, who, the other contestants say, is smiley and dances.

WOW.

EARTH.SHATTERING.

Katie sang “Let it Be” and it was GREAT!

The judges even loved her performance, even Simon, even though he had apparently smoked crack during the commercial because he said “You’ve listened to my advice and gone country” which is fucking INSANE because if that was country then Dianna Ross sings bluegrass.

Kara was arguing with Simon and busted out this SICK run out of nowhere, I mean, just BELTED out a lyric in this big perfect voice. Holy crap y’all, why is she not a singer?

Andrew Barfcia was up next and the other contestants think he’s the “goofiest”.

ALERT THE MEDIA!
Oh, wait.

I had a feeling they would address Simon’s comment about Andrew not having a personality and of course they all said he probably has the MOST personality and is the funniest, etc.
Sounds to me like someone has a case of the I-want-everyone-to-like-me’s.
He doesn’t know who he is so he tries to be whoever the people that he’s with want him to be (or so he thinks).

No wait.  That’s me.

Anycorny, Andrew sang “Can’t Buy Me Love” and WHAT has he done to this song!?

It sounds like the bastard love-child of a back-alley coupling of a swing band and piano bar.
I thought it was weird.
To everyone’s shock and amazement (except nobody) Andrew defended his performance with “I had fun”.

Look y’all, a monkey can jerk-off huffing a can of spray cheez and I bet he thinks it’s fun, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a performance that I want to watch.

Big Mike’s revealing detail was that he snores. Loudly.

Also, he’s like a “big teddy bear”.

Can’t they give the contestants a better script?

AnyWTF, Mike tells us in the bio that he’s been singing forever because his family sings and they were called “The Lynche Mob”.

I’m not kidding you, people. I heard him say that!

I’ll give you a minute to ponder that in more detail.

LYNCHE. MOB.

Eeesh.

ANYSRSLYOMGWTFBBQ, Mike sang “Ellenore Rigby” and there’s this orchestra that’s kind of playing in a pop-y, punk-y kind of way and he’s singing like a soul singer and it’s…just…weird.

The judges liked it and said “You made that song commercial today.”

Um, no.

#5 was Crystal “I’m SURE this will sound different” Bowersox.
She’s singing “Come Together” which, is possibly the weirdest, most random song ever written in English.

I’m sorry, is that a didgeridoo?

Did she forget words?
She’s awful yell-y.

Kara said it was one of her “favorite performances”.

REALLY?!?!??

Also, every time Ellen talks it looks like there’s a hamster nestling down in her throat.

The contestants think Tim is “always smiling”.

That’s deep.
He says “I just want to brighten people’s day.”

BARF!

He’s singing “All My Lovin”.

Would someone please give him a venereal disease?

I just can’t care about him, I can’t do it.

I can’t relate!

It seems like he’s lived his life in an “18 Kids and Counting” kind of way. And I’ve lived my life in a “Roseanne meets Married With Children” kind of way.

That said, I’m sure his demographic will love it.

#7, Casey, “the Playboy” has long hair, according to his fellow contestants. And he laughs.

How is it that these contestants weren’t hired by the CIA!? They’re observations skills are just MIND BOGGLING(ly dumb).

Anyhonkey, Casey is singing “Jealous Guy” and his voice started out VERY shaky.

I LOVED the cello but the song        is                 so                     s     l     o     w.

On a positive note, he DOES look like he’s really moved by the song.

Also, his Mom looks like she used to be his Dad…

FOR AI Review

Simon said it was the “best performance of the night.”  I dunno, I’m not gonna vote for him.

Siobhan’s fellow contestants think that she is amazing…..ly weird.

Oh dear God. It’s a good thing I was sitting.  I wouldn’t want to be SO SHOCKED by these revelations that I got the vapors.

Siobhan’s going to sing “Across the Universe”, which I am not familiar with,  but more interestingly, someone seems to have sneezed a pile of tissues onto Siobhan’s lower half.

Oh UGH, she’s singing through her nose/back of her throat.

I would like to know how she does all of that vibrato.  It’s impressive.

I wasn’t a fan of her performance but she clearly deserves to be here.

Randy called it “sleepy” while Ellen said “you’re special” (lol) but it left Kara “confused.”

I totally relate, I’m not sure if I like her as a singer cuz I sure haven’t loved all of her performances.

Ahh well.

She did cry when she was explaining to Ryan (and all of us) that’s she’s doing this [competition] for her little sisters.

Awwwwwwwwww.

Finally, there’s Lee.  Apparently he is a worry-wart and always thinks he’s going to get sent home.

Also, he is good friends with Andrew and everyone joked about the two of them getting together and having “Danny Gokey babies” hahahahaha

Danny, I mean, Lee is singing “Hey Jude” and…well, it’s not starting out that great.

Aaaaaand, not really getting a LOT better…

Oh.

My.

Fuck.

There’s a goddamned bagpiper coming down the stairs.

Is Lee getting Punk’d?!?

My WTF threshold just got gangraped.

The Three Musketeers loved the performance and Simon read my mind and said “What are y’all drinking?” and to Lee “What were you thinking?”

FUCK. VOTING. TODAY.

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2 Responses to “Unce. Tice. Fee Times I’m Late”

  1. Elaine said

    I think Lee’s gonna win.

  2. Nanci said

    Year late or not, I still snorted coffee out of my nose at 4a.m.
    Well played, Bludge.

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