The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

Happy Hallowe’en, you’re under arrest.

Posted by The Bludge on October 15, 2010


Your daughter’s a whore.


What, no? This is not true?
Really?


Then why are you letting her wear THIS on Halloween?



It should NOT be this easy to make a “She’s getting lucky…” joke about an 11 year old.

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

And no, I’m not kidding you! This is really for a child; this sizing is copied right from their website:
* Leprechaun Child Costume
* Small Fits size 6-8
* Medium Fits Size 8-10
* Large Fits Size 10-12

Those sizes equate to ages.
Of young girls.
Go yell at Target.
Yes, Target.

Oh, and don’t fret, if your daughter is younger than that girl, that’s ok, they’ve got another version:



FYI, this is the boy’s version:

o_O



Don’t try to defend yourself, and don’t tell me that this costume is meant for adults because this costume – and all of the ones I will feature – are for CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 13.

Sure, in some countries, a 12 year old girl is an old maid if she hasn’t married and spawned a few pups, but this is ‘MURCA.
That’s right, say it with me, c’mon put the Budweiser down — hands on your muffin tops — good!
Now, loud and clear…“MERCA!!”
This is a free* country!
In this country we spoil and coddle our children, blame whatever is wrong on everyone else (or A.D.D.), then we bitch about them still living in our basements at the age of 34.
Sorry. Tangent.


*not valid in RI, WI, MI, PI, SI, VI. Void where prohibitaterated. Please don’t sue my ass. I can’t afford a lawyer in this country. Wait, aren’t they free? Oh, but I make too much to qualify for free legal assistance. You mean, only the rich people get decent representation? And health care? Damn.





But really, back to the point, your daughter’s kind of a tramp.

Well jeez, I wouldn’t say that if you didn’t let her go trick-or-treating wearing this:



Look, I’m not a prude or anything, when my kids aren’t in the car I’m hollerin’ F-bombs along with Eminem and Dr. Dre, but my kid has never had her ass hanging out of ANYthing.



Maybe it’s just because there aren’t very many great costumes for girls?
No really, I think the designers have resorted to huffing glue in order to come up with ideas, I mean, just look at some of this….stuff…

This is called a fairy costume.

Do you see wings?!?!?




PINK SPIDERGIRL?!?
GFY pink!




What in the name of Hades is this?
There are hand-hair ears(?)…bones…tulle…??



But don’t worry! Her little sister can dress just like her!! Whatever the hell it is…that they are…
Let’s see, there’s…a cute little heart…bones…a ruffley skirt…cobweb arm sleeves…




Say this out loud “Ironman Girl”
Do you see all those people on the bus around you trying to figure out if you’re high or just retarded?

I didn’t see Superman Girl, but I’m sure if it existed, it would be pink. And also suck.




Allegedly, this is a “Pink Ninja”.
Ok, but this isn’t the Pink Ninja’s girly-crime fighting outfit…

I’m pretty sure these are the pink ninja’s pajamas.
Or at least, parts of them.






There are a whole slew of costumes that Ray Charles must have designed before he departed this terra firma.
I’m pretty sure he asked Michael J. Fox to sew this one for him, right after Rainbow Bright barfed her technicolor dreams all over it:


I won’t post any more of these, you don’t deserve this kind of eye fuckery.




Well, the last few weren’t slutty, but looking through the mounds of girls’ costume options, there was NO shortage of…well, short.


Kids will buy anything if they use the word “Twilight,” as they did on this “Twilight Trickster” costume

Guess who’s the trick!?




WTF is a gothic ballerina?!?!


And why is it so frakking trampy?





Whatever the hell this is, the skirt does NOT need to be THISSHORT




I’m sorry, this is a what?


MUMMY!?!??

THERE ISN’T ANY FABRIC!!!!!!

WHY IS A TODDLER WEARING THIS??!?!?!


Go ahead and guess what this is supposed to be…
My guess is, it’s the costume one of the trailer trash characters wore in Eminem’s movie 8 Mile.




Let’s get back to my original rant, and that is, don’t preach Right-to-Life, then oppose health care and food stamps for these tramps in elementary school that are going to be having babies next July.



There seems to be a new rule,and that is, all costumes must have one or both of:
Corset
Tutu


I present to you as evidence:

CORSET:



HOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKK





TUTU:


SEE-THROUGH tutus no less!




Corset AND a tutu!!!
(These have no reason for existing smaller than a Juniors size Large)




MAKE IT STOP!!!!



I call these “LET’S JUST PUT SHORT SKIRTS ON EVERYTHING!”






STOP!



WHAT.

THE.

H.

Y’all know what Twister is, right? It’s a one-way ticket to orgy town.
Not that I’ve ever played it; my grandma was telling me about the one they have at the old folks’ home.
Bwahahaha well at least you stopped thinking about everyone doing left hand red, right hand-cuffed to the back seat of the cruiser, perv.








There are a few costumes with which the designers have taken that whole artistic license thingy a little too far, namely in the cat and ladybug genre:

CATS
(Sidenote – WHY ARE CATS WEARING TUTUS?!!?!?)


What the…? I’m pretty sure the last time I saw a cat ballerina was right after eating that fish head covered in Stilton cheese, Pruno, and nutmeg; with that glass of salamander brandy.





In the same vein as not-cats…This is…NOT A FUCKING LADYBUG:






These final costumes hurt my brains:

Ok, I posted this first one last year, but still…WhyTF are they selling this as a CHILD’S COSTUME?!?




This is “Storybook Sweetheart”.
Do you recall reading this book?


I think the plot is a young girl goes to visit her grandmother in the woods of Kansas and she gets gang-banged by a wolf, a tinman, a lion, Bill Paxton, and a tornado.




WHAT THE EFFING FUCK!?





Tea Party Princess or Beer Maid Girl?




Let’s NOT dress our kids like a child that pole-dances on stage (BARF)



Also-Fishnets. Yet another item that should NOT come smaller than a Juniors Large.



WHERE is the rest of this SKIRT!??




This is wrong on so many levels, the last straw being that the the “skirt” is &^$@Q#&% SEE THROUGH.






Yes, this gal looks older, and they might also make it for females with grown-up vaginas, but this is for “tweens”.



This is the final straw, people…the Chris Hanson Special


OFFICER BOMBSHELL AGES 12-14



Not the only officer you will be seeing on Halloween.

No really, they named the costume “Officer Bombshell”.
I also found a costume labeled “Luscious Leopard”.
For Tweens.
That means children under 13.
I quit life.


Do me a favor, just write your daughter’s age on her forehead so I know if I should pack for an overnight at your house, or an extended stay at the big house.



4 Responses to “Happy Hallowe’en, you’re under arrest.”

  1. Nanci said

    Effing beautiful. The whole family enjoyed it. :0) :O)

  2. Elaine said

    An old friend of mine who has a 4-year-old daughter just posted this costume on Facebook and I thought it would be a nice breath of fresh air for you.

    http://www.buycostumes.com/Red-Riding-Hood-Toddler-Child-Costume/38111/ProductDetail.aspx

  3. sammy said

    DUDE, These costumes are even WORSE than last year!!! next year i beat they’ll just be selling belts and bras as Halloween outfits for five year olds!
    Your commentary was hilarious as always, i seriously think you need a column in the newspaper! for reals, you’re too funny for just blogging!!!

  4. Tony G. said

    Remember when Halloween costumes were scary? One hand the whole concept of Halloween has gone plastic, sanitized, and Disney-ready. On the other hand especially in the costumes above, it has become simultaneously and ultimately tacky, as if designed by “designers” with no sense of style.

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