The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

American Blandstand

Posted by The Bludge on January 20, 2011

American Idol!!

Season 476!!
No, wait.
10th Season. Wow. I remember the first one…a decade ago?
And it was my birthday this past Monday (send money), so I feel old right now.
Ahh well, it’s a good thing I act like a teenager!

A nerdy one.

So you’ve probably heard that one of the new judges is Jennifer Lopez, who hasn’t yet learned that camels have no place in a womans crotch, just like jumpsuits have no place in anyone’s wardrobe that has made it out of diapers.

There’s no more Simon Cowell this year, still no Crazy Abdul, and no everyone-loves-to-hate Kara Diouguioardioui. (Did I spell that right?).
I’m sad, I actually miss Kara, I finally had warmed up to her. Well, two parts of her.

And then there’s Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler.
Did you hear about Steven Tyler’s drug use v2.0? Yeah, he’s off the heroin and now the Lunesta moth was all up in his balls (see what I did there? Moth? Balls? Ahh forget it).
But he’s not all Charlie Sheen right now, Steven’s doing well. I mean, I think, it’s not like I know the difference between heroin Steven Tyler, sober Steven Tyler, or Lunesta-snorting Steven Tyler.
Also, apparently you can snort Lunesta.
Nobody tell Eminem, ok?

Don’t get me started on Jennifer Lopez being a singer. I’ll let “actress” slide because, really, there are just no standards anymore. Emoting is not acting. But, singing…oh god, she was like Ke$ha v1.0. Damn the fame machine.

And then there’s that guy who played bass for Journey on that one song that one time.
Or something.

The first few shows are really hard to blog about because they 1) throw so many people on the stage and 2) are TWO HOURS LONG.
I refuse to blog about the people who get on there knowing full well that they would better serve the universe by meeting a volcano on a very personal level.

This first show is in New Jersey, or as I like to call it, Jew Jersey.
I don’t have a reason, other than I have never been to a house in Jersey that wasn’t owned by a Jew.
I bet you all expect me to make some joke here about another famous show set in New Jersey; about how worthless it is and how the characters are so fake, but I won’t do it. You know, to be honest, I’ve never actually seen Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

JLo is wearing the fabric skirt version of a Tiffany lamp.

and not that you can see, but if her hoop earrings were any bigger Ruben Studdard could use one as a hula hoop.

And my daughter pointed out that “Randy’s wearing a Harry Potter suit.”
*looks up*
Yeah, he kinda is. Not like, a suit made out of Harry Potter, that’s just gross.
You people are sick.

ANYway, the first contestant that we see is Rachel Zveda, she was cut from season six as soon as she got to Hollywood.

I would have cut her too, at the very least I would’ve cut her hair.

She’s looking much better this year

and I liked her voice, though she took it a little too far at the end and her run ran up out and the door.

Caleb something (it’s too early to care about last names) sang Ray Charles’ “Hallelujah, I love Her So”. It was ok, but I wouldn’t give him a reach-around like the judges are doing. His voice didn’t have character or depth. From that performance I would probably let him sing, I don’t know, at Chuck E. Cheese, but Idol? Naw. Maybe he sang a different song for the judges that they didn’t air.

Then there was Kenzie Palmer – 15 years old.

I hate this girl.
I hate her because she is half my age and quadruple times as talented
I give her a few weeks though; she’ll be eliminated because her range isn’t good and she’s not choosing the right songs for her age and “we just don’t know what kind of ARTIST you are.”

I didn’t want to mention it, but there was a girl with stars on her boobs – who was trying to blow…the glass out of all of the windows…I think eventually I heard the judges say she had a good voice, but I kind of was distracted by trying to vomit to have something to put in my eyes.

Awww, it looks like Jennifer Lopez has a hard time saying no (to the contestants). That’s not what Ben Affleck said! (I’m sorry, if you can come up with something better than Affleck, you just leave me a comment and I’ll change that)

Robbie Rosen – here comes the first sob story…he had hip sinivitis which he got over when he was seven, which I think was about 2 years ago.
Ok, he is 16.
I dunno you guys, I just got my PhD from webmd a few minutes ago and hip sinivitis isn’t severe or anything. Apparently your hip hurts for a few weeks and you have to rest.
*sad face*
Anyway, he sang the Beatles “Yesterday” and thankfully changed it up a little, it was decent.

Sorry, I don’t care for guy singers really. Except for Michael Buble.

So then they showed a bunch of clips of Steven Tyler hitting on a bunch of young women.
Who saw THAT coming!?!??

Boy scout Chris Cordero

made a safety video about texting while driving when what he should’ve done is made a video of him singing, watched it, and gone back to watching porn on the computer that he made at summer camp.

Then there was Schlomo Burp(quite possibly not his real name), but we’ve already talked about him too much.
This was the guy that Steven Tyler asks : “Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child?”
Nuff said.

This is about when my headache started and no matter how many mini-brownies (non-dairy) I ate, the show just kept hurting my brains.

Perhaps it’s because the next shot was of a young female contestant coming out of a port-a-potty.
WHY, Fox!?!? WHY!?!?
Even though this Ashley girl was insane (and almost completely fun) and forever will be port-a-shley, and kinda yelled at the judges instead of singing, she made it through.

Ugh, 16 year old Victoria is so friggen upbeat and smiley that I’m pretty sure my teeth just melted. She will be a GREAT Christian singer, but American Idol needs to shut that shit DOWN.
(Of course she made it to Hollywood)

Aaaaaaaaaand here’s sob-story number 2, Melinda from Kosovo. This is truly a saved-by-America sob story. For those of you that don’t know, Kosovo used to be Istanbul which used to be Constantinople. Naw, but really, Hitler totally pulled his pants down and shat on Kosovo. No, but really, lots of people were killed and nobody had a job and lots of people were all “Fuck this, I’m out.”
Anyway, back to Melinda, she’s a cute little thing, 16 years old so get your minds out of the gutter.
I liked her voice, when she hit her first falsetto I got goosebumps.

Next up was Devyn, a singing waitress. I don’t remember her singing but I do remember this:

(If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you should really stop reading my blog) (Or ask me what I’m talking about)
No really, she jazzed it up and it was great. I really like her a lot.

Oh lord, now we’re going on a bullshit journey with some asian dood. Not interested.
I’m not even kidding you when I tell you that as soon as he started singing my phone said “What?” (It’s Chris Tucker; my notification ringer)

Oh awesome, now they’re all singing “Party in the USA”
*shoots self in face*
Ahh well, at least it’s not Miley singing it!

They should’ve warned us to get our tissues out because they ended the show with three straight sob-stories.

Brielle is the apple of her Dad’s eye and (wtf does that mean? Who has apples in their eyes? Perhaps she could be the pupil of his eye?) anyway her Dad had throat cancer and now he doesn’t. Yay for cancer taking a hike, but there was really nothing special about her voice. Moving along…

Your final sob story ladies and gentlemen is Idol’s version of Bruno Mars (except with much less money and palm trees): Travis, 16 years old, grew up in the Bronx, lived in a shelter, his family is still poor and for some reason we’re all supposed to give a shit that he has a twin brother. ?
He sang Elenore Rigby and it was ok. The judges are loving him but I’m thinking he’s not quite the next Bruno Mars

Tomorrow’s show is from New Orleans.
Ahhh, the big easy. I’m sure I won’t make ANY slut jokes at all.

And that concludes Season 10’s first blog post!

Damn, I wanted to end with something great…
…here we go!

One Response to “American Blandstand”

  1. Diane said

    No room in there to say Happy Birthday to your nephew? Awesome blog!

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