The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

Archive for February, 2011

Coming Up…

Posted by The Bludge on February 24, 2011


Hello and welcome to Coming Up!
Coming up next on Coming up, we’ll see what’s coming up and talk about what’s coming up and then maybe we’ll show you what we told you is coming up, but no, we’ll just show you what’s coming up!

Seriously you guys, I was so irritated with all the promos before the commercials of what was going to happen on the next promo before the next commercial that I actually timed the parts of the show where they were talking about people singing, and the parts of the show (all both) where contestants were actually singing.


Coming Up…after the blog post…you will not BELIEVE the results…how much time are YOU wasting watching this show if you don’t have DVR?
The results!! Coming Up!!


So, there’s 100 contestants left today.

Today they can sing a capella or with a small band.

Contestant #1 Haley Reinhart

sang “God Bless the Child”.
She had a pretty nice voice, nice growl/soul to it. Her singing seemed just a little off pitch but she has a big strong voice.
She comes across as young, but not weirdly too young to sing with soul or anything.
I think she closes her eyes too much while she’s singing, like she’s singing to herself more than to us.



COMING UP AFTER CONTESTANT ONE…


Contestant #2 Ashthon Jones (pronounced Ashton…WTF is with the H????)

Beautiful hair, awesome cleavage…I mean, dress. Good singing, good use of the stage.
Her singing was strong and on key, it wasn’t as big as Haley’s but still big.
I don’t know what song it was, but she did a good boob job.



COMING UP BEFORE CONTESTANT 4…


Contestant #3 Thia Megia, 15 years old

She sang what a Wonderful World. Had GREAT vibrato.
She sounded really sharp but good; beautiful tone.
Her stage presence is not perfect, she knows she can sing and isn’t cocky about it, but she’s just singing words in the right key, she’s not feeling it or making me feel it.



COMING UP AFTER OVER-ANALYZING A STUPID TV SHOW…


Contestant #4 Frances Coontz

I’m not liking her glasses.
Just so you know.
Also, she was SOoooooo out of key.
Steven Tyler asked the band to show her what key to sing, but they didn’t show any of her singing IN key.



COMING UP AFTER THE JUDGES ROLL AROUND BACKSTAGE IN THEIR MONEY…


Contestant #5 Clint Jun Gamboa

This is the DJ that I don’t really care for as a human (he kicked JC out of there band but whatevs, I prolly wouldn’t have wanted him in my group either seeing as he completely forgot his lyrics and shit) but also, I hate Clint’s glasses.
Anyway, he sang “Georgia on my Mind” in a mostly Adam Lambert way.
His voice is VERY nasally



COMING UP BEFORE CHARLIE SHEEN DOES A ROOM FULL OF HOOKERS AND BLOW…


Contestant #6 Kendra Chantelle

Very pretty (looking), nice deep tone, great voice.
She, and almost everyone else also sang Georgia on my Mind.


Contestant #7: Sophia Shorai also also sang Georgia on my Mind.

She had a little raspyness to her voice which was cool, but she had awkward stage movements.



COMING UP AFTER 7 SHOTS OF GIN…


Contestant #8 Carson Higgins

This crazy dood is singing Bobby Brown “My Prerogative” with the band.
He sang it pretty well actually
The song didn’t showcase his voice very much but it was very fun. He’s a very quirky dood.



COMING UP AFTER THROWING UP 6 SHOTS OF GIN…


Contestant #9 Chris

is singing Bobby Brown “My Prerogative” withOUT the band but played his acoustic guitar.
He sounded pretty boring actually.
And really “they call me nasty”? No, honey, it just doesn’t work with you saying it.
He even sounded like he was bored with it and afterward he knew that it was not great.



COMING UP AFTER A TRIP TO THE E.R. (which they now call the E.D. btw)…


They barely showed the next 3 people singing. Not really enough to even tell if they were any good.

Contestant #10 Julie Z. sang Sara Borellis’s “Lovesong” and played the keyboard.



COMING UP AFTER I MAKE A POT OF COFFEE…


Contestant #11 Caleb Hawley looked more strung out than Gary Busey after snorting John Belushi’s ashes

His voice wasn’t strong – it was kinda thin. He was in key at least, but not too impressive – unless you count being impressed with his ability to stay perpendicular to the ground.



COMING UP AFTER ARMAGEDDON… (the event, not the movie)


Contestant #12 Colton Dixon played keyboard and sang some Coldplay song (or something)

He had a really great voice, nice and full, and even though he was singing a song that was SOOOO overplayed on the radio (and in department stores) I still actually wanted to listen because of his voice…and that is unusual.


Contestant #13 Simply Red AKA Brett Loewenstern
Reminder, he is only 16 years old

Since they didn’t play much of him singing, I have no idea what song he sang, it was kinda slow and pretty boring.
He kinda had a tiny voice?
Is it possible for him to NOT wear sunglasses on the top of his head?



COMING UP AFTER THE RIOTING IN EGYPT…


Contestant #14 Robbie Rosen played keyboard.

They played more of him than the last 4 people for some reason. His end note was strained and shaky/wobbly (Randy would say pitchy).
He pretty much sang the whole song with his eyes closed.
He’s got such big features, teeth, nose, hair…yep, I’m not taking that down the road you think I was going down.


Contestant #15 Casey Abrams, who previously played the melodica, is playing a full bass on the stage today.

Casey sang Georgia on My Mind
First it was just him and the bass, then the band joined in and it was pretty fucking AWESOME.
omg my daughter just pointed out that Mr. Man is only NINETEEN years old!!
I swear it seems like he’s been playing jazz joints for YEARS.
That was even the kind of singing that after it started, he didn’t even have to be on key the entire time. If he hit a bad note it wouldn’t matter because his stage presence is great and you can tell that he is flowing with the music and putting his whole heart and being into the song.
That was really fun. Watch this guy, he’s going places.



COMING UP AFTER YOUR MOM…


Contestant #16 Chelsee Oaks, aka the girl half of the “ex couple”…

is upset that her roommate and “best friend in the entire world” Jacqueline got sick and ended up going to the hospital and leaving the competition.
*blink*
Ummmmmmmmm, didn’t they meet last week?
Chelseee very nasally sang Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You” .
It was piiiiiiiiitchy.
Her voice wasn’t strong enough and she really faltered on her last note.
She knew it wasn’t good.


Contestant #17 Lauren Alaina is singing “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” (sorry, no pic).
Lauren is is 15 years old.
She was TWO YEARS OLD when that song came out.
Fuuuuuck me.
She has such a big voice with great control and big vibrato and she’s very likeable but Simon totally would’ve called her performance “hotel singer” or something.



COMING UP AFTER A DOUBLE RAINBOW…


Contestant #18 Jacob Lusk

Mr. Man sang God Bless the Child
He’s making some funny faces but he made up for it by singing his fucking heart out.
He has such a nice thick voice when its low and he even hit a high Adam Lambert note!!
Amazing range. Amazing.
The judges gave him a standing O.
He was not connecting with the audience but he’s got such a voice that it really didn’t matter. His singing was totally captivating.
It totally made me cry when I replayed it.
Shut up, he totally cried too, so it’s ok lol


Contestant #19 John Wayne Schulz

He sang “Landslide” and played guitar with no backup.
It was ok, not something to write home about



COMING UP AFTER I RUN TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT QUICK…


Contestant #20 Ashley Sullivan

UGH, the drama queen.
Ryan Seacrest actually referred to her as an “Emotional Timebomb”
LOLz
She tried to sing “Everything” by Michael Buble a Capella “for her boyfriend.”
BARF
She stopped and messed up the words and asked to restart and then started “freaking out.”
She REALLY needed the backup music.
And she kept apologizing
GAWD what an asshole she is.
TOTALLY reminds me of myself lol



COMING UP AFTER I UPDATE MY FACEBOOK STATUS…


Contestant #21 Stefano Langone sang “I Can Feel it All Over”

Totally forgettable performance.


By this time I was so irritated with my camera literally taking 10 seconds from the time I clicked the picture to the time it actually popped up on the LCD.
What.
The.
Hellz.
I DID only use manual settings though to take the pictures and didn’t rely on the automatic setting, my teacher would be proud.



COMING UP AFTER I FINISH DOING MY TAXES…


Contestant #22 Jovany Barreto sung a Marc Anthony song (I think) a capella

It was ok. He’s kinda hot so maybe a little more memorable than Stefano, although I think I like Stefano’s personality and presence a bit more.


Contestant #23 JaCee Badeaux sang “Time of my life”

NOT the Dirty Dancing version.
Thank god, I don’t even want to THINK about how young HIS PARENTS were when that movie came out.


The judges liked these last few boys.


But then there was…
Contestant #24 Scotty McSomething, who made up new words to “I Hope you Dance”

Very interesting ones.
Even he said he would kick him off.



COMING UP AFTER YOUR WILL TO LIVE BIDS YOU ADIEU…


Contestant #25 Tatynisa Wilson

Also ATTEMPTED to sing “I Hope you Dance”
She also forgot the words.
And sang really really sharp.
and made Randy make this face


Thankfully, that was the last contestant.
Now they show about 10 minutes of the judges mumbling about which contestants they like/want to DIAF.


COMING UP AFTER 4 FORD COMMERCIALS, 7 COKE SPOTS AND ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…


The contestants are split into 4 groups:

Room 1 Includes people like: JC, drama queen Ashley, Simply Red, Lauren, Robbie, James Duran (Adam Lambert v1.5), and Casey Abrams. SHOCKINGLY (sarcasml) this group goes through to the next round.

Room 2: There’s no one in this room that I remember or that they played on this show except for Chelsee, who sucked. This group got sent home. I was shocked again.

Room 3 also included zero people that I recognized and surprisingly (if you’re in a coma) they did not make it.

Room 4 is going through due to DUH two groups always go through. People in room 4 include crazy blond guy, Jovany, ugly-glasses-guy, and Jacob Lusk so I’m sure that room KNEW they were going.


They kept saying something SHOCKING would be revealed “after the break”
and there was NOTHING.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

The only surprise I could find was that Scotty actually made it through!!


Not even JLo’s outfit was that interesting. I mean, she totally had sequined mom-shorts and a bump-it but it wasn’t the Grammy’s dress or anything.


Are you curious about how much show there actually was, and how much was filler?

COMING UP AFTER THIS…SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT’S COMING UP…


23 minutes of your life that you will never get back were spent watching “COMING UP AFTER THE BREAK…”

and a WHOPPING 12.25 minutes of the singing competition were spent actually listening to people sing.


COMING UP…YOU WILL LEAVE ME A COMMENT!!


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Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Group Sex

Posted by The Bludge on February 23, 2011

Unfortunately, there was nothing that exciting during the group round.
I didn’t even take any pictures, that’s how boring it was!


Ok, I know I probably hate it because it’s new, but the theme song is CRAP.
This show has been on for TEN YEARS and has produced at least two stars (Taylor Hicks, who?) and they could get NONE of them to record a fucking theme song!????
The hell!?
Does David Cook have ANYthing better to do!?!?


I was so excited for groups!
It’s always interesting because you get to see who is truly a c*nt.


Sooooo, lots of contestants that made it already formed groups and started practicing and then they find out that the group must be a mixture of Day 1 and Day 2 contestants. “It must be fair” says some British guy who probably makes more money than the Pope.


So, SHOCKING, no one wants to work with Fat Snooki (aka Star Boobs, aka c*nt) but she finds a blond girl who must be suffering from REALLY bad jet lag and they can’t find a required third person so they convince the producers to let them sing as a duo.


Some dumb overly-dramatic broad quits.
HER LOSS.
Oh, wait, UGH, then she decides to stay, after talking to her boyfriend.
CO-DEPENDENT!


Poor chubby little JC got kicked out of his group.
😦 Don’t worry, he found another one.


Ok, I’m SO done watching people argue and cry and bitch about other crying, whining, arguing people.


The first group of 3 girls did pretty good, they harmonized very well together.


Couple more groups did pretty well, of course instead of actually showing all of the people sing, they take up loads of time talking up “what’s coming up after the break” before EVERY commercial, and then creating rivalries by asking leading questions and using heavy editing.
*sigh*
*eyeroll*


Fat Snooki (I know) and her partner sounded like ass.
Tiffany sounded like someone had taken a crowbar and jammed it through the bottom of her chin straight out of her nose.
And maybe that was just a nice visual, too.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now some girl is snorting spaghetti noodles through her nose.
Thanks for that, Fox.
I did not know there was now a talent portion of Idol and I would like to formally request that it stop.
Now.


There was a little bit of good singing, but again, it was quick little snippets in between watching Steven Tyler play drums, talking to Ryan, and more shots of people not really practicing at 3 in the morning.


Oh, UGH.
That whiney drama queen made it through.


There’s a group comprised only of 15 year olds whose parents have to be present so they are giving them all kinds of advice and some of the groups (one guy in one group) made one comment so of course there’s a LOT of people who are upset and it is a BIG DEAL.
*sigh*
*eyeroll*


Dollar Store Lambert actually blew this incredibly high note, not blew in a bad way but DAMN he nailed it.


The baby group got a standing ovation from the judges. They were really good, both in harmonizing and doing their solos.


Oh, thank you Idol!! Thank you for showing us people practicing, AGAIN.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT THEY WOULD BE DOING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I did like how honest the judges were in telling them “That was bad” or whatever but they weren’t FUN. They barely messed with the kids at all. And they pretty much said the same thing every time, “That wasn’t good” “Pitchy” “Good job”.
SNORE


They let JC through because he sings like an angel – even when he doesn’t know the words apparently.
I have a feeling that JC was the ONLY person that did not remember his lyrics that made it through.
I have NO idea why they kept him….except for the heartstrings part.


The group that kicked JC out sounded pretty awesome.


Ok, I was looking forward to this episode but it just straight up smells like dairy farts.


I do love watching Steven Tyler put on and take off his reading glasses, though. *giggle*

This episode is like a used bandaid hanging out in a locker room.
Ok, not really, but it is like getting really excited about eating a chocolate cream donut and biting into it and finding out that it’s jelly.

Fucking jelly.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Hollywerd.

Posted by The Bludge on February 23, 2011

Yes, the new Idol theme is definitely more whooshing and lasers.
I don’t like it you guys.
You know what I DO like?
Complaining.
Duh.


So, this was Jennifer’s wardrobe for the first half of the show:

Apparently it’s only slightly hot in Hollywood as JLo’s shoulders are toasty


There are 327 contestants at Hollywood week.

Hmm, assuming plane tickets from Armpit, Iowa to Hollyweird cost (as a low guess) about $300, that’s $98,100 to fly 327 people. And then all the losers have to go home, which means sending 307 twerps back to Banjopick, Missouri costing $92,100 (I just got a calculator app for my Droid, can you tell?)

Oh, HALF of the contestants go home after today!! That’s 165.5 people going home (I feel sorry for THAT guy) which will cost at least $49,050.

I think that’s more than I make a year.
Oh, right! It’s time to pay taxes! That’s right, I make WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY less than $49,050. I’m practically not making any money at all, IRS.
(Do you think they’re buying that?)


Anyfamewhore, the good news about Hollywood week(s) is that there’s no more howling, just-want-to-get-on-TV jackwagons wasting my time…..well, hopefully.

Brett, our favorite little nerdy ginger is up first and nervous as hell.

He sang “Let It Be” and did a pretty good job.

I know I said I’m trying not to pick on people for their appearances, but come on, this is The Bludge, so SUCK IT readers.
I…just…this should not happen:


Rachel Zevita totally looks like my cousin and/or that little curly-haired girl from the Pepsi commercials.

And, DAMN, she can really blow.


Victoria Huggins just does NOT stop smiling.

I LOVE this picture of her, because she looks like Lacey Chabert and that girl has horse-face too.
Ouch, she just got cut.
Probably she’ll be back in a year and will be really good.


One of my favorites, Paris, is singing Celine Dion, which is not cool, man. I mean, Celine Dion is like that nerdy kid that followed you around in school that you wished would just drop off the face of the earth.
Anyway, I especially wished she wasn’t singing this song because she just WRECKED it. Not good.
But, she’s SO pretty…

Wait, WHAT?!? They actually let Paris through to the next round.


You know, I would probably be one of those people that totally forgot the lyrics, of which there were a few.


Jacee, the chubby 15 year old, just has the most beautiful voice, just so clear and subtle

If he had a stage presence he’d be great.
But he doesn’t.
He’s FIFTEEN, let him be 15.


Thank you American Idol and Fox for THIS image:


It’s a new day and a new outfit for JLO, let’s see what she’s wearing today

Looks like she’s been raiding her abuelita’s closet.

What’d you say?
That’s Steven Tyler?
Of Aerosmith?
Are you sure?
I sure hope he didn’t start snorting birth control pills or something.


I like Jennifer Lopez’s…uhhh…

outfit.


That put me in the mood for Jerome Bell who gets props for singing “Let’s get It On,” one of my favorite songs of all time.

He made it through.
DUH, that’s Marvin Gaye!!


So, right before EVERY commercial Ryan tells me “You won’t BELIEVE what happens next.”
But I do.
Because there have been ZERO surprises.


This douchenozzle Tiffany (no picture, because I don’t hate you guys that much), pulled straight from a Jersey Shore dumpster, gets on stage and says:
I’m gonna be honest, I’m tired of seeing people try to do, what I know I can.”
Say it with me…
CUNT!
Then she sings a song sounding (and looking) like a failed drag queen.

AND SHE MADE IT THROUGH.

OK RYAN, I am SHOCKED!!

FINALLY!!


Ay dios mio!
That’s the end of the first day of Hollywood!
168 contestants are left for me to make fun of, YAY!

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

I still have no idea…

Posted by The Bludge on February 11, 2011

For some reason, this show started out with some whiny slut who eventually got around to her point:
“Just because someone farts, let ’em keep singing, you know?”
……………………………………………………………..the FUCK!??

This is the final audition city…San Francisco

Midget Ukraine Barbie here has a lot of music videos on YouTube

omg this is gonna be terrible
Just to demonstrate her foreign talents, Ms. Inessa did some bellydancing and ended with yoga.
Her singing didn’t make me want to sharpen spears and insert them indelicately into my earballs, but she didn’t make it to Hollywood.


Then there were three good people that were good that I didn’t bother to take a picture of.


Stefano Langone here

was in an accident.
He has a nasty scar on his left arm and lots and lots of other places. Jeez he got tore UP. Don’t worry, I didn’t get any pictures of him being all mangled.
I’m very curious as to what caused the accident, and if anyone else was involved.
He sang “Heard it Through the Grapevine” and did a great job.

I do not like this guy, Clint “Junebug” Something-or-other

I didn’t like his singing, his glasses irritated me, he was wearing leather pants and a striped knit sweater.
I’m cranky.


Some jackwagon looking like a monkey came out and got immediately no’d.


These pictures of the judges aren’t even for the monkey, they’re just for some random guy who couldn’t sing:




Then there was a transformer, made from a Power Wheels that actually works.

He actually SANG while folded up as a Transformer. LOL

He didn’t make it.


There were about 3-4 more girls that got in, but they weren’t hot enough to bother photographing.


ALERT!
ALERT!
Hot girl/Sob Story:

Julie and her family are from Columbia. They built their house in the Andes but straight up left suddenly without telling anyone because of the guerrillas.

ANYway, it was her 20th birthday that day and she sang “Summertime,” it was ok I guess, the judges liked her.


Dave Combs had long hair and sang some Beatles song.
Steven called the guy out for not being anywhere near the melody.

Then Steven was straight up telling people they were terrible, it was kind of fun.


Emily Ann(e?) Reed from Arlington, Virginia

She would’ve had a sob story except her voice sounded like a 9 year old reading a poem in third grade.

The sob part of her story was that wherever she had been living, it burned down. They didn’t say why but I think I know…

She sounds like Shirley Temple
Steven said no, Randy said yes and then JLo did too.
Steven asked her to play a song on the guitar and she sang along to whatever the hell it was and apparently Jennifer liked what she heard cuz she said “I was right”.
I have NO idea.

Ending on another sob story is James Durbin, 21 years old.
He cried because:
1) He was diagnosed with Terets and Aspergers.
2) His Dad played bass and was never around and later OD’d on drugs
3) He has a kid son who is less than 2 years old.
4) He has no job
5) He has a girlfriend
6) Air exists
I dunno what he’s singing…but he’s trying to be Adam Lambert
Then he asked to sing Dream On
He was LOUD but I couldn’t decide if I liked him.
They liked his range, thought it was great, actually.
Steve was impressed with his ‘melodic sensibility’. I don’t know what that means.

I leave you all with this message from Steven:

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

LAllywood

Posted by The Bludge on February 10, 2011

Today we are watching auditions in LA or Hollywood or some vapid city.

Also, they are showing the good people from the 16,000 submissions via MySpace.
MYSPACE?!?!?
Hold on, I’ve got to dial-in by modem to check my AOL…

Ok you guys, Randy is wearing Gold Lamé shoes.

I guess I could have just written “lame”.


Jennifer Lopez is pretty boring-looking today, but still nice:


Our first reject, Victoria, believes that God brought the entire auditions to LA for HER.
Modest.
Nope, no picture. She was one of THOSE people. Those people that know damned well that they would be more useful to society by turning into compost.
She blamed her complete lack of talent on her nerves.
Her nerves must hate her.
And us.


Tim H sang a song with 2 and a half notes. He could hit the notes (all both of them) but there was no meat behind his voice, no strength.
No picture.


Daniel and Isaac are friends.

Daniel (L) sucks really hardcore. Isaac is the cute one but in addition to disappointing his parents on national TV because he dropped out of college (and hadn’t told them yet) he also butchered “Build Me Up Buttercup”.


Karen Rodriguez was a Myspace contestant and she had a great voice, great control.


Tynisha is a joke.
She’s “met some other artistes” and she has 3 albums that are ready to be composed.
She ralphed all over Christina Aguilera’s “Impossibowl” (her pronunciation).
Then she chased Randy off the stage.
No really, he couldn’t take any more and walked off and she chased after him, still singing.
Poor Randy.


Heidi is a belly dancer who can also sing apparently.
They didn’t show much of the singing part.

I think you see why.


Matt was not photographed.
Matt, was ugly.
I know, it’s not really fair, but he was ugly inside and out.
I think he tried to throw out a rhyme, and theoretically sang something.
It was not good.
I did NOT want to take a picture of that.


Then there were a LOT of bad people. BAD.

Brothers, Mark and Aaron were a lot of fun

It’s like Balky squared!
They sang a duet, “Lean On Me”
It was actually quite good and they made it through.


The last guy is Cooper who is probably about 67 years old. Wait, he says he’s 59.
MY BAD.
I’m not sure whether he’s on PCP or meth.
The judges are afraid and shockingly he actually walks off without needing a big burly escort.
I don’t know how I didn’t get a picture of this guy except I guess I was waiting to get a picture of him being shown the door.


So, next up is San Francisco!!
I’m catching up because I had the Black Death and my throat got so raw I had to shellac it with Lidocaine.
No lie, it was very gaggy. At least it didn’t have a taste.
Oh wait, I’m sick, I can’t taste anything.
Ahh well, the Nyquil is kicking in and I fsklahvrnvjdtjfkeldljsdhfgkfggggggggggggggg

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Murcan Idol, y’all!

Posted by The Bludge on February 10, 2011

So there seems to be a lot of laser sounds in the “new” theme song.
Either that or I’ve been downing WAY too much NyQuil.
Truth is, it’s probably the latter.

So here we are in Austin, TX, prepare to be assaulted by cowboy hats.


Let’s check out what J-Lo is wearing today:

She will need every single one of those tissues to get Christina Aguilera’s lipstick-paint off of her face.


Anyhonkey, Corey and his sister didn’t meet until he was 15.
They ride horses.
He’s got a boy-band sound and I’m not impressed.


Hollie is 17 and is singing Etta James. They barely played any of her singing and Randy said no and she started crying and Jennifer asked her to sing again so she had to suck it up sing again. I actually like her voice. Her second song was good even though she sang “The Climb” and even though she had to calm herself down during it. I am SURE she’ll make it through the pressure of Hollywood week.
SURE.
(I’m not sure)


This is honest-to-goodness Cowboy John Wayne Schulz

His parents named him John Wayne cuz his Dad wanted a hardass son
LOL
He sang “Believe” by Brooks and Dunn
Oh! His voice is so deep!! It’s so nice to hear a NOT boy-band.
omg his Mom is gonna make me cry cuz she’s crying


Some dumb broad named Courtney wants to impress Ryan Seacrest. I’m betting she can’t sing.
She’s clearly insane. Her soggy cry-face is NOT attractive
She did an impression of a chicken
She sang”Stay” by Sugarland.
It wasn’t a trainwreck like I thought it was going to be.
She made it through to Hollywood. Dear lord, why??

Whoah.
Someone actually sang Soundgarden.
AND.
MADE.
IT.
THROUGH.


Schmuck and Schmuckette here were really annoying, Fox really played up their little love story.

Girl schmuck was loud but good.
Boy schmuck was decent but sang a song with about 3 notes.
They both made it through, and they very well might have made it through if they auditioned separately.


Janelle here, is very pretty.


And she’s a good singer.



And she’s pretty.


And then there was an armadillo…

Wait,
What?


A freaking armadillo


Casey looks like Seth Rogan and plays a melodica.

He did a pretty good job of singing Ray Charles “I Don’t Need No Doctor”
He did not look like he was going to be able to sing (I’m an asshole) but y’all, he could BLOW!

And that concludes my boring-ass review of American Idull.


Move along little doggy.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10 | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Chihuahuas, Ex’s, Rednecks, Crowns, and a full-body Condom.

Posted by The Bludge on February 6, 2011

Today’s waste of show comes from Nashville, TN!

You know, there hasn’t been a lot of interesting things to say about the judges, I mean, they’re good, and usually they’re pretty, but there’s something…missing…
I dunno, they’re just not drunk enough I guess.
Anyway, here’s a couple pictures of them



(No one cares about Randy)


First up is some dumbass blond named Christine.
She’s one of those people that is deliberately being a total waste of my time. These are the people that I will not bother to photograph.
She speaks kind of like a Chihuahua barks.


Chelsea Oaks and her ex Rob something were judged at the same time because they still live together and it appears that she moved on and he is slightly resentful.

It’s sad that you can just look at Rob and see that he’s totally pussy whipped.
When he sings he looks kinda bored. Like he got stoned one too many times and he got stuck that way.
They both got through to Hollywood.
Neither one prolly would’ve gotten through without the back-story and singing a duet for the judges.
Well, maybe he would’ve gotten in, she was ok, but nothing special.


Tattoo artist Louis AKA Mr. Redneck Bandana is singing Skynrd. SHOCKING.

He made a comment regarding the color of ice cream possibly relating to race and Jennifer looked appalled there for a second but I really have no idea what to be offended about…other than dairy is the DEBIL!!!!!
He didn’t make it through, due to sounding like mud tires on gravel (I dunno, but that’s what I imagine redneck sounds like)


19 year old Miss Teen USA 2009, Stormi Henley sang “Father Can You Hear Me”

Steven said yes (DUH), Jennifer said no cuz her voice was not strong enough.
It was down to Randy and SHOCKER, he said yes even though at first he wasn’t sure.
I almost feel bad for these people that you watch barely sneak into going to Hollywood cuz you know they’ll get cut the first day/week/whatever. Almost, except they get to go to Hollywood while I sit here and write about how much THEY suck. Wow, perspective.


Adrienne lives on a farm and was adopted at 2.

Her parents are white and she is black. Ok, unusual, but did we need to see that? Yeah, we did, I loved watching her cute parents talk about her. I’m becoming soft!!
Steven loved her voice, I didn’t see something huge. She sang “American Honey” which I do not like (the song). When did honey become American?? I HATE THAT SONG.


Kameela did something she thought was singing “Some Sweet Thing”
She sounds like Whitney Houston being gang-raped by about 17 chain saws


They briefly showed some guy dressed in a full body condom, which prolly will never even be necessary.


Jackie Wilson was so good that she got the judges to clap for her!!

I really like her voice! I know, it’s usual for me to say something nice.

*blink*
omg. Everything was fine until she came out and mouth-kissed the guy that I thought was her FATHER! Ew! (Don’t click on that)


26 year old Latoya kinda looks like she’s 14

She sang like a horny female cat getting it’s hair combed by a machete.


Then there were 2 or 3 guys that they showed very briefly that supposedly had good voices but they didn’t really show us that part.
But the dying cat up there? That gets 3 minutes.


Farmer Bob, I mean Matt Dillard, comes from a family that had 700 foster kids over 23 years.
HO
LEE
HELL
His singing was really unremarkable, but his outfit was SUBLIME!

Jennifer said no, Randy said yes and Steven said yes so he’s going to Hollywood.
For a week.


Ending the show with a sob story is heavily accented Lauren Alaina who is 15 years old and from Georgia.

Her cousin, who is like her older sister, was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I guess she’s doing ok but they never really made it clear.
Methinks her Mom is a total cougar, her dad-person (step?) looks a good 15 years younger.
Anyway, the judges say she’s the best one so far.
She sang Aerosmith’s Don’t Want to Miss A Thing and um, I gotta say, it was pitchy LOL


Next up is auditions in Austin, TX

Sorry for the delay folks, I’ve had the plague and I was down and out for the count, BIG TIME. I’ve been ingesting enough NyQuil and Lidocaine (yes, Lidocaine) to kill a pony. The good news is there’s still some lung left that I haven’t coughed up yet!

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