The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

Archive for March, 2011

It’s What It’s

Posted by The Bludge on March 31, 2011


So, Ryan has a new fan

I guess it’s appropriate that we’re doing Elton John songs today.

I’m guessing 3 out of the 11 contestants will have never heard an Elton song.
Unfortunately they didn’t mention who hadn’t heard of Elton; too bad, I would’ve guessed Thia, Stefano, and Lauren.


#1 Scotty

I didn’t get a picture of Scotty McLeansALot so here’s a picture of Hulk Hogan from last week and his creepily absent belly button.

CREEPY

Anyway, Scotty is singing Elton’s “Country Comfort”.

The be-coated, be-hatted, be-speckled producer guy called Scotty ELEGENT.
HAH

His song was RIGIDLY typical country with NO stand-outs EXCEPT that he gave a shout-out to his grandma which was adorable.
And his guitar is pretty.

Crazy Grandma Tyler says “There’s nothing I can say to you that a couple high heeled cowboy boots wouldn’t fix.”
Wha?


#2 Naima
She’s singing “I’m Still Standing” but in a reggae style.
Her costume reminded me more of a gay pride flag than reggae colors…

This is odd, but it’s…ok.
Sometimes I think she is out of tune but I’m pretty sure the key changed and she is in tune.
The beginning showcased her voice more, even though it was odd and she was really singing from the back of her throat with all of the low notes.
I dunno you guys, again, she’s not a spectacular singer but she is very likable.


Apropos of nothing, I’m so glad that Paula Abdul is back on the show.


#3 Paul is going to earfuck “Rocket Man”.
So yeah, he is singing it (I think?) and if he doesn’t start crying or flop around like a flounder this song is going to put me to sllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllkjnhfxc


#4 Pia is doing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.”
Yep, another ballad.

She sang it really well but it did not get me all excited.
Her modeling picture did

But I am not a fan of the ice dancing costume that she performed in

Pia’s hot.
Whatever.


#5 Stefano is going to ruin “Tiny Dancer”.

Hey Stefano, wtf is a ballerinum?
Is that the shit spewing out of that nuke plant in Japan?

Maybe if he would stop smiling all of the time it would seem like a song instead of a show.

I was not impressed.
The judges were a lot nicer this week and said that he connected more with the audience.
Well, not the ones in THIS living room.


Sidenote – WHY is Howie Mandell allowed to breathe?


#6 Lauren is going to make us hate “Candle in the Wind”.
Not because she’ll be bad but because OMG, I don’t even want to hear ELTON sing that fucking song ever again.

It’s not a good range for her, it’s very nasally and irritating.
It’s really not doing her any favors.
Neither did the dress the put her in for the photo shoot.

I’m all for equal opportunity employment but hiring a midget photographer really wasn’t a good idea.

It’s very 80’s-big-hair meets timid country singer. The voice, not her outfit. Her outfit is better than that one up there ^ but not exciting enough for me to photograph.


#7 James is gonna perform “Saturday.”

Oh
No
He
Di’int.
He just did a teddy bear.

Not like “had inappropriate relations with a stuffed animal”, I mean did something like this

Well that was entertaining.
It was fun.
Whatevs
NEXT

#8 Thia is going to do a robot version of “Daniel”.

Producer dood says to her: “Forget all the high school drama stuff” HAHAHAHAHAHA, so like, forget last year?

That was surprisingly good…in a way. Her feelings were finally existent. Though some of the notes seemed like her voice was about to just squeak and then her big vibrato came through.
Sometimes.

The judges liked it.

I didn’t take her picture this week because she wasn’t wearing any food preparation material.


#9 Casey is singing “Your Song”
He said he was gonna cut the beard.
The beard is still there.

It’s much better though.
He looks more like the pudgy nice guy that women are “let’s just be friends” with than the creepy basement dweller that buys used underwear on the internet.

It’s just him singing and some guy on the piano.
It’s good.

His voice is nice. It’s nice to not be distracted by his growling and yelling and creepyface.
He did do creepyface a few times, though.
This was also an improvement


#10 Jacob is going to over-dramatize “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word.”

He killed it.
Per usually.


#11 Haley will be growling “Bennie and the Jets”.

Yay! She’s jazzy and growly and not using that sweet voice that doesn’t fit in with the rest.
And she was a little more comfortable on the stage. Not great, but better.
Prolly she just needs to take a shot of whiskey and get laid. Prolly in that order. (Is she even 18?)

YES! AWESOME!
Randy said “BEST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT”!!!
And that was AFTER Jacob!!!


So, tonight as a whole wasn’t amazing.
If I had to pick my favorite it would be…….the brownies that I ate while I was watching the show.

Vote for the Worst is telling people to vote for Paul, which is fine with me because it’s not Scotty, but I think that will keep Paul out of the bottom three, so even though I would assume he’d be in it, he likely won’t be this week.

Here’s my opinion that is worth about 72ยข:
Scotty was the boringest.
Thia was 2nd boringest.
Stefano was 3rd boringest.
Naima was the meh-est.
Jacob, James, and Pia were the typical-est.
Haley was the underdog-est.
Casey was the desperate-est.
and Lauren was also there.

Advertisements

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The hell?

Posted by The Bludge on March 27, 2011

YAY! Motown!!
The contestants are doing Motown songs.
Wait, what does Motown mean again?


#1
Casey is doing Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”.
Of course he is.
It’s kind of a given that SOMEONE was going to do that song.
This should be a great song for him.

Wait, producer dood is in his hat and coat again. Is LA experiencing some sort of cold front?

So Casey, started out strained because you can tell he’s thinking too hard.

Now it’s getting good cuz he’s comfortable with the song because he’s probably sung it a lot.
He looks nice.

You know, except for when he’s making what he thinks is his ‘sexy’ face but is really his ‘I-will-kill-you-and-eat-your-hair’ face.

That was ok, the end was totally off-key, but whatever, people love him.


OMG, it looks like Steven Tyler has cleavage.


JLo looks nice though, per usually


#2
Thia is singing “Heatwave”

Oh look! She’s wearing a dress made out of cupcake wrappers!

Damn! She’s really knocking it out of the park – although it’s hard to hear her on the lower notes which is a surprising few.
Oh crap, she just forgot the words.
I don’t think this song used to have so many “Ooohs”
Randy thinks that “The public is resounding with her.”
Wait, none of the judges mentioned her forgetting her words!?
The hell?


#3
Jacob is singing “You’re All I Need to Get By.”

He just has such a huge voice.
omg his personality is SO FUN!
I mean, look at these faces!

He was perfect. Perfect pitch.
Got a standing O from the judges AND a hug from Steven Tyler.

Ok, now the front row is all giving him hugs LOL
The hell?


#4
Lwhoren’s turn (No, I don’t think she’s a whore, it’s just fun to make fun of people, duh)
She’s starting off with a really strong voice singing “You Keep Me Holdin On”
She does have a very entertaining and big beautiful voice that is in tune.
And she even threw in a little sass, which was nice.
It sounds EXACTLY like the original, but she has the fucking pipes to rock it hardcore.
And, she looks cool



#5
Stefano!!

Stefano is singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”
and he’d never heard it before…the hell?
BAHHH YOUNGINS!!

I sure hope he keeps his eyes open and sings it to the audience.
Meh, I am not loving this, he’s overdoing it.
If he sang it with his sweet smooth vibrato he would be KILLING it.
I was explaining to Bart why he wasn’t good, how he wasn’t feeling the song, he was just putting on an act and not a GOOD one, just kind of doing the motions and then all 3 of the judges said the same thing.


#6
Haley

Haley’s doing Smokey Robinson & the Miracles “You Really Got A Hold On Me”

I want her to do well but I’m not loving this performance. She’s flat. And sharp. And too growly, and all over the fucking place.
At least she wasn’t sweet and then growly and then demure and then WTF? again this week.
The judges actually liked it a lot
HUH??
The hell?


#7
Scotty the Potty

My husband just pointed out who he reminds him of:

He’s going to do Michael Jackson song that Stevie Wonder also did, “For Once in My Life.”
And also, I hope that he is going to wear briefs the next time he’s on camera with sweatpants on.

I HATE HIS SMUGFACE!
Also, I hate this face:

Why is he always leaning over!?

He needs one of those bracelets.

Yeah whatever, he can sing in tune, but I HATEHISFACE
He looks ridiculous.
Always leaning and making retard faces and rapper gestures.

BAHHhhhh


#8
Pia!

Pia is doing another ballad, “All in Love is Fair” by Stevie Wonder.

You would think that Stevie was the only person recording at Motown…

Oooh! She just gave me goosebumps!
Her voice control is really great!
She probably has needed the past 10 years to get this good. Martina McBride wasn’t always fucking amazing. She just started out amazing and then got to fucking.
lolz

That was fucking PERFECT
It makes me want to cry, but that could also be because I’m a bit of an emotional wreck right now.
The ONLY thing the judges criticized her on is that they wanted her to next time NOT do a ballad.

Ryan had to make sure everyone saw the back of her dress, not because he thinks that it’s sexy but prolly cuz he’s dating the designer LOLz


#9
Paul is doing Smokey’s “Tracks of My Tears”

Well.
This is weird.
Does he not know that this song is about CRYING!?!!??
It’s like…uptempo.
The hell?
At least he’s playing guitar so he can’t hold the mic and flop all over the stage.
MEH


Wait, is Steven on the phone?

Or is he just staring at some 17 year old?


#10
Naima is going to do “Dancing in the Street.”

She’s going to throw some dancing in with her singing as well.

Oh honey, NO

Those aren’t bellbottoms, those are homeless shelters

Honey it DOES matter what you wear. (See what I did there? A line of the song is “It doesn’t matter what you w…” oh forget it.

She probably has the weakest voice of all of the contestants but she does have a good personality.

For Steven’s review he said “E to the Z to the twiddly dee” and then promptly licked Jennifer’s hair, fell backwards out of his chair, jumped up and went “TA DAAA!”

No, not really, but he did say that first part.

The hell?


#11
James Durbin is doing “Livin for the City”

He’s actually dancing and singing too!
He SLAMMED his high note too
He is reminding me of Mark Slaughter…except for the triple-high notes
Yep, he killed it again.
Nailed it.

How do I think THIS face isn’t stuck up or smug?

lol

Randy’s getting his ass boo’d HARDcore because he said James started off rough but I didn’t see that.


I am SHOCKED that so many people did well tonight.

I can’t really say based on performances who I think would go home cuz I’ve already watched the results show, but I will anyway: bottom 3: Haley, Naima, and Stefano.


LOLz so now I’m watching the results show and it is fucking hilarious and awesome.
First there was Stevie Wonder, who started a rendition of Happy Birthday for Steven Tyler, who just turned 98 or something. Then Hulk Hogan comes out on stage and badly-fake-punches Ryan while the boy contestants freak out..

Honestly I fast forwarded through almost all of the results show.
ESPECIALLY the part where Sugarland was performing because the singer was wearing Barbie barf.
From the early 90s. NO I didn’t take a picture, who wants to remember that?

So Thia and Stefano are in the bottom 3 ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Ew, Haley has a side-pony
Hrrm, and Naima is safe

And CASEY is in the bottom 3.
The hell (I honestly don’t care but it’s kind of the theme here)

Thia is safe…

and Stefano is safe! (the hell?)

CASEY had the least amount of votes!
The hell?

The hubby is shocked, as, it appears, is the crowd, but WHATEVER.
He started singing his song and the judges stopped him and they told him that he was saved, he didn’t even have to sing.

The look on his face is terrifying, only because I know he’s been sick and he was mouthing “I can’t breathe.”

He was like “Are you serious? Why are you DOING this to me?” lol (meaning they scared him).
Then, he ran into the audience to hug his mom.
It was SO cute.

Ryan brought it back down by saying “Well, this means that TWO people have to go home next week.”

“BUT…there won’t be a Top 10 tour, all ELEVEN of the contestants will be doing the tour.”
I’m pretty sure Casey is going to need a defibrillator.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

GET OFF MY LAWN!!

Posted by The Bludge on March 17, 2011


Oh dear lord

What the crap is going on here?



JLo looks like what would happen if Janis Joplin ate, then shat out Charro.

And don’t get me started on Mrs. Roper’s ensemble.


Ryan looks nice as usual.
I don’t capiche him.
He looks very nice, mostly attractive; but is this guy asexual?

I can’t picture him being with a girl OR a guy.


FYI, since most of you freaks that read my blog don’t actually watch the show, last week, Ahshthohnh was kicked off.

The judges had the option to save her from elimination but unanimously chose to give her the boot.
To quote JLo: “I was rooting for you but the vote was unanimous, you’re going home. So yeah, in English I guess that means that I WASN’T rooting for you at all, but I don’t want to look like the bad guy, here.” (Ok, I MIGHT have added that last part, but she DID say the first sentence.)


This week’s theme is songs from the year that the contestant was bored.
Wait, I mean born.


#1
Naima was born in 1984. She sang Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It”

She’s got a good stage presence but Anna Mae Bullock’s voice could kick her ass.
That’s Tina Turner’s real name.
She was born in 1939.
1939!

The fact that Naima really throws all of herself into the performance really makes up for a lot of her lack of thickness and power in her voice, but not enough for me.
At least Randy and JLo called her out on her pitchyness-both pointed out that this and last week have been pitchy.


#2
Paul was born in 1984.
HOLY SHIT. He looks OLDER than me…but he’s NOT.

He sang Elton John “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues”
This song didn’t really sound like an Elton John song, which, might have been good(?) if it had been interesting enough to actually watch. But every song that he sings sounds the same.
And he is pointing and walking all weird and yelling a bit (his voice is pretty raspy today) which looks like every other performance of his.
I’m just not a fan.


#3
Thia was born in 1995
OMFG you guys.
She was born THE YEAR BEFORE MY DAUGHTER.
Look how cute she was

For some reason, Thia hates us so much that she sang “Colors of the Wind” by Vanessa Williams.
THIS BITCH.
omg this is awful
Only because it’s rushed and GAY.
Gay as in lame, not gay as in same-sex partners. (Check back next week when I make a post on racism/bigotry!)
She’s performing it very… ‘Miss America’.
It’s like she is saying to us “Here is this song that I’m singing for you, I have no idea what the meaning is, but the notes and words…here they are and…BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
And her voice was nasally.
She is pretty, though

ROFLTOMATO Randy just said the word “pageant”
JLo criticized her vibrato


#4
James Durbin was born in 1989.
He is doing Bon Jovi’s “I’ll Be There for You”.
Oh boy!!
First two notes were OFF.
It’s a very fast song tonight, but he’s doing a great job.
His scream started great actually, but then he pushed it up to a note that has no business existing in this world.
This guy is growing on me, though. He’s pretty unassuming and fun.

James is hinting that he’ll sing an Aerosmith song for the finale, and Steven said if he does that he’ll sing it with him, and they shook hands on it.
That should be interesting.


#5
Haley was born in 1990.
OH HELL YES, check out Mom’s hair

That was funny, Haley’s like “I have no idea where I got my musical talent……just kidding.”
Her parents are in a band and have been for like, ever.
She’s singing “I’m Your Baby Tonight” by Whitney Houston.

It sounds like Haley has a rasp in her voice, too
This is…weird
I just
I
Um
Her voice has so much range
This song was just
WEIRD
I didn’t really recognize it
She has a youth to her voice but then all this WOMAN there too
And she has lipstick all over her face/teeth

JLo did make a good point she really needs to work on moving around the stage more naturally. You can kind of tell that she is thinking about how she needs to move instead of just dancing along to the music (or whatever).
LOL Ryan is helping her with the lipstick issue
Awwww that was nice

I can TOTALLY understand her not “knowing what kind of artist she wants to be”. She’s 21 and I am older than her and *I* love ALL kinds of music, so picking my favorite would be HELLA hard. I mean, I am rapping along with Eminem, singing falsettos with Prince, belting out Martina McBride, pretending I know Spanish singing “Mi Tierra” by Gloria Estefan, or jumping along with Fighting Gravity(it’s ska).
Knowing that her parents are musicians, I’m not surprised that she has many musical interests.


#6
Stefano was born in 1989.

Some of his song options are The New Kids On The Block’s “Hangin Tough,,” or maybe Tone Loc’s “Funky Cold Medina.”
BUT, he chose Simply Red’s version “If You Don’t Love Me By Now.”
Oh his voice, it’s so nice!
He really is bringing this home.
The only bad note was the last one, and it was BARELY a little not good.

The judges all REALLY loved it but JLo did mention he needs to open his eyes and sing to the people.
Awww then he ran down to hug his mom.
SO CUTE


#7
Pia was born in 1988
Awww she looks like she’s always been a little diva

LOL then a minute later her Mom said that same thing! Hah!
Pia is going to sing “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” by Whitney Houston.
I hope she reserves herself just a little to keep her from

OH GIRL NO
She’s wearing a silk jumpsuit…pantsuit…hammerpants…thing

It’s…distracting.
I can’t concentrate on what the hell she is singing.
I know she did hit a great falsetto.
Ok, I’m listening to it again without looking at the TV so I can stop asking someone to deflate her crotchal area.
She screamed a bit, but whatever
She’s fucking hot.


#8
Scotty McPoopy was born in 1993
OMG he was a cute fat baby

He used to impersonate Elvis
lol
He’s singing “Can I Trust You With My Heart” by some guy who also sings country
Why does he hold the mic so weird?

It reminds me of how Bob Dole holds his pen.
That is not a euphemism.
Also, I just showed my age.

Scott seems to be confused by his leaning problem

I don’t hate him as much this week because he sang well


#9
Karen Rodriguez was born in 1989 also
Her Mom is so sweet and adorable.
Karen is going to screw up “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane.
Ok, that was just mean, I hope she does well, but she has been choking a bit lately.
Wow. Her hair is…large and in charge

She’s over-acting a little bit lot, but her voice is SO much better than last week.
Very nice…until she pushed it
I was quite amused by JLo’s advice to Karen to “play to her strengths, if you can’t hit a note, don’t do it, do something else”
*blink*
Do I need to make that joke more obvious?


#10 Casey was born in 1991
His parents are old
and drunk.
Casey will sing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana
OMG
That came out the year he was BORN!?!?

Well, we’ll see how it go….ooohhhh yuck
He is so off
This is terrible
I would like to go on record saying, NO!
NO.

Randy’s criticism went like this: “I’m a producer, I’m a writer, blah blah blah me me me”
So, yeah, I have NO idea what he said.
I’m pretty sure the judges all praised Casey.
Were they not able to hear it over their ears bleeding?


#11
Apparently Lauren is sick. At least, that’s what I gather from this image:

Lauren was born in 1994

OH
MY
CRAP

No, it’s not about how old *I* was in 1994

It’s her PARENTS

I think THEY were born in 1994, too!

Don’t ask me how, but LOOK!

Lauren is going to sing “I’m the Only One” by Melissa Etheridge
Erm, this is really tame…
Ok, NOW she’s kicking it out in the chorus
And she got the crowd pumped
Oh dear, she yelled out some bad notes but she has the flu so I’ll let it slide, mostly.


#12
Jacob Lusk was born 1987
He will sing “Alone” by Heart.
You know, “How do I get you alooooone.”

Of course he killed it
Like, KILLED it.
Good killed it.
Queen has PIPES.


SOOoooooooo, here’s your line-up people:

#1 Naima sang “What’s Love got to Do With It”
#2 Paul channeled(?) Elton
#3 Thia humped on Pocahontas’ Snoozefest
#4 James Durbin belted “I’ll Be There For You”
#5 Haley sang words
#6 Stefano crooned “If You Don’t Know Me By Now
#7 Pia is HOT
#8 Scotty Whatever
#9 Karen Yeah
#10 Casey AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#11 Lauren *Pats her on the head*
#12 Jacob Lusk HELLO!!?? He can sing anything.


I’m afraid Haley will go home

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Duh. Winning.

Posted by The Bludge on March 10, 2011

It’s ok JLo, I’d want to hide my face, too if I was wearing a titty-ball dress.

with hip-flare. (I hate dress pockets.)


Steven looks pretty today.

Also, Randy exists.


WHY must Ryan talk to the stage manager using their first name?

WHY is it “Nancy, let’s do this” and “Erika, dim the lights” and “Frank, take off your pants”
That last one may not have happened on stage, but I can still see Ryan saying it.

In any case, it’s odd. Sure, Ryan and whatever-person are probably on a first-name basis, but I’ve never seen the people he talks about. For all I know, they could all be circus midgets.
Now I wish I knew them.
Dang.


Anymonkey, tonight, the 13 contestants will sing a song by their personal idol.
My hubbers heard this and said “Let’s see, so there will be a JLo song, an Aerosmith song, and…why the hell is Randy there again?”


Helping coach the contestants before the show was chairman of Interscope whose name is either Douchenozzle McSpeckle or Jimmy.
Whatever.
Apparently he’s always worried it may rain inside because he always has a baseball cap on…

or perhaps the sun keeps getting in his eyes.
Inside the building.

Anyway, there were a bunch of famous producers coaching the peeps.
I dunno, if I was them, I’d prolly be at my mansion watching people that I pay roll around in my money.
I wouldn’t want to roll around in it, do you know where those things have been?! Me neither, because I don’t see very much of it.

#1

Lauren’s idol is Shania Twain
Shania’s REAL name is Eilleen so she is A-OK in my book.
Lauren is going to sing “Any Man of Mine”, specifically because she did not want to sing a ballad. I’m guessing that’s what all of the other girls are doing.

LOLz she totally spit water out in front of the producer(s)

Although, if I had to look at this guy, I don’t think I could swallow either

(That’s what SHE said!)

The background music totally sounds like karaoke crap.

She needs heals, The long top with dark pants and flats looks like poo.


This is NOT doing her any favors. Her clothes or this song.
I KNOW girl can sing, but this song is NOT challenging and not better OR different than the original

Her saving graces are
1) We all know she is young
2) She is personable and likeable
3) She’s pretty

Yay! Steven, JLo, AND Randy agreed with me and wanted Lauren to do more with the song.

She looked a bit crushed.
But, let’s remember what’s important: I was right.

Of course, when asked about her performance, she says she “HAD FUN.”
*eyeroll*


#2
Casey is singing Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help from My Friends”
He said Joe C isn’t hot and Casey is…similar…or something
*snort*

So…..yeah….mmmmmeeeeeehhhhhh

I mean…

UHHH

I got nothin.


#3
Ashthohnh

will be singing Dianna Ross’s “When You Tell me That You Love Me”

God I hope she kicks this song’s ass
Oohh, she’s wearing a satin dress. Those are hard to pull off.

I wouldn’t mind having a go at it, though.

๐Ÿ˜€ See what I did there?

Daggone, her earrings are big (not a euphemism)

Her high notes didn’t quite cut it.
The preview before her actual performance was SO. WAY. BETTER.

Randy liked it, that was surprising.
NOT surprising, JLo and Steven liked it.


JLo looks amazing as usual but that lipstick needs to be toned down


#4
Paul is singing Ryan Adams “Come Pick Me Up”

THIS SONG IS BORING

Dood is a straight up weirdo.
He flailed around the stage like a marionette (worked by Michael J Fox) and yet he was singing this terribly slow song.
He is bizarre, but not in a cool, fun way…in a WTF kinda way.
Ok, maybe it’s a little fun, but, still, WTH is with his face?

And his “dancing”



#5 PIA!!!!!!
I LOVE PIA

She’s just so lovely, wait, what?

Wow. Those glasses.
Is she considered legally blind?

Anyway, DEAR BABY JEEBUS I hope she doesn’t pick a

OH MY GOD NOOoooooooooooooooo CELINE DION!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oK, I’m SCARED for her

I mean, she does have the pipes, but on stage and in front of all of these peoples
and it’s starting out so slowly…

STOP.

WHY is Steven wearing headphones?

So Pia’s hitting the big notes.
Wait, NO, she yelled.

It wasn’t good
Whatever, I can put it on mute and still look at those legs.

DAMNIT.
she’s still yelling/screaming
FUCK.
She sounded better in the previews too

She’s pretty.

I’m pretty sure that JLo is about to cry

Randy is saying that she hits these notes dead on….I beg to differ just a little bit, but WHATEVS

She’s HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT


#6
James Durbin is singing Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”

Surprisingly, so far tonight his voice has sounded the best
Of course, he’s going to start screaming soon…

All of the judges are boppin’ around in their chairs.

Oh.
Dear.
God.

He looks like Sloth from Goonies

That’s unfortunate.

Ok, ok, it’s not THAT bad…
That really was, the best singing so far the whole night.
Yes, better than Pia.
DEFINITELY not hotter.
But definitely the best singer so far

I can’t believe I just said that.


#7
Haley will be singing Leann Rhimes “Blue”

Haley’s perty, too

Ok, she’s not one sentence into it and she’s singing it better than Leann Rhimes
By about 100 times
Her control!
The key change, the vibrato, it was all
FAN
FUCKING
TAS
TIC

Dear lawd, look at those earrings!

She really is very pretty

So, Steven Tyler said this: “It’s a Patsy Cline song that she never recorded off of her first album.”
Do what now?
Seriously, SteveTylerHandlers, check his purse because I think he may be snorting Ambien.

Last week Haley did Alicia Keys and this week she’s doing Leann Rhimes. I kinda like that she, like many of us YOUNG people (YESIAM!) likes a broad spectrum of music genre.
Randy called it boring, kinda sleepy.
I hope he gets a hangnail.

JLo was really fighting for Haley and Randy keeps saying “sleepy” and JLo is essentally rolling her eyes and shit





#8 Jacob Lusk
His idol is R Kelly
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo….
Nevermind, I’ll let it go

Is it possible for him to actually SEE??

Seriously, his whole pre-performance interview his eyes were shut.

Jacob’s SHOCKINGLY going to be singing “I Believe I Can Fly” (fyi-that’s not shocking)

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dear God his voice is beautiful

But now he’s getting yelly and not in a good way

He seems like such a diva

Ok, he brought the scream/crying back to FUCKYEAH! territory

Fuckyeah!!


But, seriously, could someone PLEASE get Steven a writer? He sounds like he’s drunk


#9
Thia Megia is going to sing Michael Jackson


She was told by Jimmy that it’s not actually a Michael Jackson song, it’s a Charlie Chaplin song and she nods and is like “Mmmhmm” and then she’s like “Charlie…Cha…Chaaa?”

This song is slooooooooooooow
And OMG
Her voice is pretty, as is she.

Wait, what is going on? The tempo picked up and she is flat or sharp or something
And it is weird

They added a beat and it’s like…I dunno, weird. This is a slow, emotional song. Please do not do this again Idol band. *stern glare*

I liked the outside parts, the inside parts were…blech.

Randy also said he liked the beginning and not really the rest.

She is so meek.
I really wish she would’ve been cut so she could come back in at LEAST a year.
She’s FIFTEEN.
She’s got balls for going onstage in front of millions, but she still needs more confidence, stage presence, and trauma.
Not like, blunt-force trauma, but she needs some life experiences to give her a personality and depth; some real emotion.


#10
Stefano is singing his idol, Stevie Wonder! Woo! I love Stevie Wonder. We’re BFFLs. For True.

Stefano is singing “Sing Lately” (FYI I don’t check what the actual names of any of these songs are because I’m lazy and also I have important things to do with my time, like puzzles with my 4 year old.)
He can SING. Trust.

I’m not a fan of his look here, though:

I got a little scared cuz he really is belting out all of these notes, but he hit every one.
This song is maybe not going to get the young people voting because it is slow and they’ve never heard it.

Wait, they picked up the tempo
At first it was like, ok, now it’s giong to be upbeat
But he was still singing his long notes and stuff.
His voice was beautiful.
He is totally a man with a million faces, but he moved SOFAST I couldn’t take a million pictures like I did with Scotty McCreepy last week.


#11
Karen Rodriguez’s idol is Selena so she will be singing “I Could Fall in Love”

NO
WHY is she wearing a JUMPSUIT

And she must have REALLY pushed her voice because she is NOT doing well at all. In her preview clip they insinuated that she needed to rest her voice before her performance, so something must be up (they never did say anything was wrong).
She was not able to get meat behind her low notes.

Disappointing.


#12
Scotty McCrappy is going to ruin Garth Brooks’ “The River”

Apparently now there’s something wrong with his LEFT leg

I love this song

I hate Scotty’s face

His voice was pretty shaky until the chorus.
I do believe this picture sums up his performance:

He constantly pulled the mic away from his face so you couldn’t hear him…which I was totally ok with.

I dunno why I don’t like him, America. I think it has something to do with his smug-face that he puts on while he’s performing.


#13 Naima has lost her mind and is going to do Rhianna’s “Umbrella”

Fuck Rhianna
She should be doing Eryka Badu

*sings* “Why don’t you call Tyroooone”
(*waves* Hi Dianna)

She looks like an outcast from the Pirates of Rasta-Punk Island

She is not able to really get her breath

YES, the mix-up was fun but the
Wait, what?
Was that dancing where there should have been words?
I’m…
confused

The reggae beats were hot.

She dedicated that to her hubby…awwww

At least Steven said it…she was pitchy

They were talking about how she didn’t have time to dance, breathe, and sing and she said it was hard trying to find time for a breath.
Bitch, please.
She needs to try Dre & Eminem’s Forgot About Dre.
BOTH parts.

Of course they have Naima’s phone number a little different than the rest, because “They didn’t want anyone to have to use the UNLUCKY # 13”.
Which is funny, cuz guess what…last year? That phone number? 866-436-5713? Was a porn number.
Which they found out only after the first show.
Lolz
It’s unlucky porn I guess?

So here’s your choices America

1) Lauren
2) Casey
3) Ashthon
4) Paul
5) Pia
6) James
7) Haley
8 ) Jacob
9) Thia
10) Stefano
11) Karen
12) Scotty No, America. Don’t.
13) Naima

I’m voting hardcore for:
Lauren, Pia, James, & Haley

Kinda Sorta voting for:
Stefano & Jacob

Barely voting for:
Casey & Ashthon

I’m not sure if they’re eliminating one or two people tonight.
Obviously, I hope that Scotty goes home.
Trying to guess who America bothered to vote for is HARD. Especially because a lot of people vote most for who they thought sucked! I am going to guess that…Thia is going home.


Here’s how I think the contestants did tonight-based on vocal ability AND performance:
1) James (I know!)
2) Haley
3) Stefano
4) Naima
5) Jacob
6) Lauren
7) Pia (I know!)
8 ) Casey
9) Thia
10) Paul
11) Ashthon
12) Scotty McPoopyPants
13) Karen


If I had to pick my singing idol it would be…


ME of course, DUH
WINNING!
DUH!




Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Girls on Top…wait…that’s not right…

Posted by The Bludge on March 6, 2011

Top 12 Girls, there we go.

Ok, so today I’m watching the show and then during commercials (and when Ryan is talking) I’m working on a post from last week.
I’m SURE I’ll be able to concentrate JUST FINE.

Also, I only had the 4 cups of coffee…


Damn.
JLo is pretty


First up is Tatynisa
Wait, it’s spelled Ta-Tynisa?
Shouldn’t it be spelled TATA-Nisa?

Heh, sorry.
She’s singing a club song.
Huh?
I think it’s Rhianna and she’s a bit flat here and there but it was not bad, and I really don’t want to hear ballads from the girls anyway.
So she was ok, Steven and Jennifer loved it of course, but Randy wasn’t a fan.
Of course Jennifer had to talk over him when he was saying that he didn’t like it.
I don’t recall him talking over her when SHE was talking.
Biotch.

Ryan just made a fat joke about Randy I think.
Wow.


So, yeah, I’m pretty sure that Randy is the only judge that still has a brain.


#2 Naima is singing “Summertime”
She has some cool clothes.
She’s singing a jazzy version and it’s pretty great and had a great ending.
She nailed it.
Wait, shouldn’t that be, she hammered it? Cuz, the nail is the…oh, never mind.
She mostly got good reviews from the judges, though Randy did say “lounge singer”.

I only got a picture of her backside.

No, it’s ok, really:

#3 Kendra

OH NO
She’s singing MY FAVORITE CHRISTINA AGUILERA SONG!!!!!!!!!
“Impossible”
So far it’s good, actually.
I’m shocked.
It’s getting a little too quiet and plain…no wait, she just hit a screechy note.
Not that it was out of tune, I don’t know, I couldn’t tell but her higher register is SCREECHY
Randy liked her vibrato and overall liked it even with some sharp notes.
Wow, he was nice! lol


#4 Rachel Z
She’s singing Fiona Apple’s “Criminal” and she’s singing it jazzy.
She’s really been practicing her performance part, she’s throwing off a shawl all sexy-like and throwing down the mic stand.
This jazz version is AWFUL.
It’s not a cool twist on a popular song, it is seriously bizarro.

She does look great though

Steven called it Broadway, which is funny cuz 1) I said that in my last post and 2) she said that’s probably the only thing she’s never sung….hmmm
JLo pulled the “What kind of ARTIST are you?”
Randy brought it back to reality by saying it was a trainwreck. Alright, he didn’t use that word, but he might as well have.
It was kind of like Sebastian Back singing “All That Jazz” I guess he could hit the right notes, but it probably would make as much sense as wearing snow boots to the beach.
Someone tell that girl, STAND UP STRAIGHT
Shoulders back!


#5 Karen Rodriguez

Singing Mariah Carey’s “Hero”
Wait, now she’s singing it in spanish.
No wait, she’s singing it in English.
She can hit the notes, but like Randy says you can’t exactly out-sing Mariah Carey. If you sing someone’s song you want to either do it better or differently but just as good.
I think someone might say “karaoke”
Her notes were good.
The song was good.
And she said “I love you Mom” at the end and TOTALLY is choking me all up.
I’m pretty sure JLo is trying not to cry, too.
Hey! The judges all liked it! No criticism! Wow!


#6 Not-Blond-Lauren!

She REALLY looks like a friend of mine.
She looks fabulous.
What IS this song?
I love her voice
I LOVE HER.
She’s my favorite.
I still don’t know what the song was but it don’t matter.
That’s right, I said it don’t.
Randy liked it, of course the others are going to like it, too. Oh, Jennifer actually had criticism! Nothing bad, she just wants to see more movement and her physically getting into the performance.
Makes sense.
Lauren makes my heart melt when she says “I’m sarcastic, America, just so you know”
YES! I KNEW I loved her.

Did Ryan just make a dick-sucking joke?

#7 Ashthohnhhhh
Whoops! She must’ve been rushing cuz she forgot her shirt!
No idea what this song is.
I DO know (even though I am about as stylish as _________) that those shoes are too clunky/big to be worn with giant-crotch pants.

She’s making too much love to the camera
I like parts of it, she does have a voice but this song isn’t perfect for her, it’s just ok.


#8 Julie Zorrilla
Fuck, this girl is beautiful.

She isn’t doing anything right with her voice though.
I really hope she has a good reason for this, like being sick or something.
She just doesn’t have oomph to her voice.
Holy crap, all of the judges actually agreed with me that this wasn’t great!


#9 Haley
She’s singing Alicia Keys “Falling”
She does have the pipes for this song.
She isn’t working the stage/crowd as well as some of the other girls, but the other girls can’t sing like her.
She looks pretty smokin’ too

I think she did well.
Randy used the “karaoke” word
๐Ÿ˜ฆ


#10 Thia Megia

This is the girl that just sings. She doesn’t have any true emotion. She’s friggin 15, of course she doesn’t!
She’s starting out a capella. I think some of her vibrato is just nerves and shaky voice.
Ew, she’s a bit sharp.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m asleep.
Meh.
She is very pretty, and prolly she will win next year.
Uhhm, Steven and Jennifer are telling her that it was beautiful.
Wait, Randy did too?
Did my TV eff up the sound?
And my coffee must have warn off.


#11 16 year old Lauren Alaina (The blond one)

I can’t hear her singing.
Lauren, please don’t do this again:

This girl definitely has a big…voice.
I said voice!
Pretty good, I like that she isn’t singing a ballad.
She’s rocking out “Turn on the Radio” which might be a country song.
I agree with both Jennifer and Randy when they tell her how she sings effortlessly, and she has more talent than even she knows about. The control over each note seems so easy for her.
Randy says she’s like a merger of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. That is truly a compliment and I do agree, she can do the big voice thing.
Also, Lauren lets us in on a little secret…she calls Ryan “Peaches”.
LOLz


#12 Pia Toscana
Fuck, this girl is beautiful!

Oh! I recognized the song as soon as the third note played, “I’ll Stand By You.”
Her voice sounds EXCELLENT!
And FUCK. She is beautiful

She may now be my favorite!
OH! The judges are giving her a standing O!!
Oh! That makes me want to cry.
Randy actually said that this stood out as one of the greatest performances in all of the seasons.
Wow.
I don’t argue with that.

So, the next show is elimination!
We will narrow down the contestants to 6 girls and 6 guys.

Stay tunes, bitches.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Oh, boy.

Posted by The Bludge on March 4, 2011

I’m watching this show 2 days late, so, I didn’t vote.
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have altered history if I had voted.


So here we are, Top 12 Boys!!


Ryan Seacrest is finally in a suit!


JLo is pretty smokin, but when they pull her hair up at that angle it makes her ears look pointed.



#1 Clint Junebugger
Please tell me he will not be wearing those gla…

nope, he’s wearing them.
And he’s singing “Superstitious.”
One of my few favorite songs.
Of.
All.
Times.
(Yes, times.)

The band played over him a bit, but whatever. I was ok with that.
Most of it wasn’t terrible.
I HATE HIS GLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!
The judges all loved his singing.

Meh.

Is he attractive behind those things?

#2 Jovany
I’m surprised he went with a slow song for his first performance, I would think that it would be harder to sing slowly on stage for America, live, for the first time – I would think it requires more control and calm.
The band w/ background singers drowned him out in places but I don’t hate his face like Juneblahg.
He sang “I’ll Be the Greatest Fan of Your Life” (is that even the title? who cares.)

Ruh roh, Randy barked the word “Karaoke”


#3 Jordan, AKA Mr. StuckUp

He’s singing um, Usher?
Ew, and he’s taking off his jacket like he is sexy.
HAHA

He’s singing a dance song.
Interesting choice.
I think he’s having a hard time not dancing like a drag queen.
This is PAINFUL
He is not……attractive.
I mean, he’s a good looking guy, but what the hell.

YAY, Steven said it wasn’t his favorite, and JLo asked if that was “really who you are?” and he said no.
Randy didn’t comment, they just replayed his comment from Jovany about karaoke


THIS SHOW IS A GIANT COKE AD


Also, I can’t believe we’re already at the voting part!!


#4 Tim Halperin (seen in the above Coke ad) is pandering to softies by saying that he feels like the other contestants are his BROTHERS.
Did one of them give him a swirlie?
His hair…it needs work.
He’s singing that one song by that one guy that has been overplayed on the radio.
It doesn’t matter which one because they are ALL BORING.

He is sharp.
Not like, sharply dressed but like, singing sharp cuz he’s trying a little too hard.
I almost never do this, but I just fast forwarded til he was done.

That is very important you guys.
Normally I would want to make sure I watched it all so that I could report any shenanigans to my faithful readers (You two know who you are!) but I really did not care enough to watch him, just talking about him is making me zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

She said it!
JLo said “It doesn’t really show America who you are as an artist”


#5 Simply Red AKA Brett

He is SO…GRANOLA!!

He’s singing The Doors
“Light My Fire”

Oh, it’s just so delicate.

I just can’t take him seriously.

This is just comical.

Oh, but hey! He doesn’t have sunglasses on his head!

He keeps shaking his hair around like a dog getting out of a bath.
It looks like something might be stuck in there.

Someone check him for lice.

WHAT? Steven Tyler just said “You brought it home, you were on fire”
WTF
What the fuck you guys?
What the fuck?
I mean, what the fuck?
I’m just
I just
What…
I
Someon
He jus
I’m
you can’t
That wasn’t
I don’t
*sigh*
…the fuck?


#6 Adam Lambert James Durbin is rockin’ out right out of the gate
I don’t hate him right now!
I think the band is drowning him out a little when he isn’t yelling, but he’s actually giving good performance.
You guys, he’s singing “You Got Another Thing Coming” by Judas Priest!!
Excellent!
I think JLo might be enjoying this (she’s about to jump out of her seat)
I didn’t know that I was going to like that
Maybe it’s because he does not have a fucking Karate Kid bandana on, today.

Randy just told him that he was nice and tasty.
Ummm, did someone forget to feed Randy?


#7 Robbie Rosen
[ comments removed due to them being snarky about his religion/face/penis ]
So, Robbie’s singing Sarah McLaughlin and it is
NOT
good.
He’s hitting some falsettos and I think the notes are in tune but it is NOT pretty.

I just had to shock my husband with the defibrillator because he was so bored he actually died for 3 straight minutes.

Steven thought it was beautiful!?!??!
Someone call his manager, I think he’s back on the Lunesta

JLo loved it too
Randy brought us all back to reality THANK GOD telling him the falsettos were crap (my words) and he was pitchy (Randy’s words)


#8 Scotty McPLZGoHome
Scotty sang John Michael Montgomery’s “Letters From Home”

What is with his face?

And who chopped off his right leg?

Why is he leaning like that?

No really, he never stopped, either

I hate his face

He’s making me angry.

Why am I so bitchy tonight?



But really, how can you NOT hate this…


#9 Stefano sang…Bruno Mars?
The song was the one that has “You’re Amazing Just the Way You Are”.
His voice is not quite big/strong enough to pull off this song
He can hit the notes but it sounds strained, like perhaps he’s been practicing too much lately
Steven said “I can always tell when you’re on the money cuz that vein in your forehead pops out”
Wow. There’s some good constructive criticism.
:-/
Stefano is cute
I am surprised that Randy didn’t use the dreaded “karaoke” word.


#10 Paul McDonald
Dude is so…..weird, bizarre, gay, boneless, floppy? It’s just odd the way he is moving on stage

“Maggie” is a good song for him to sing. My friend called him “Bob Stewart” (Bob Dylan + Rod Stewart)
Jennifer made a good point, he is nice to watch because he is smiling and enjoying himself.
(He only made that face above for a hot second)


#11 Jacob Lusk
I think we’re all looking forward to this performance.
He actually had his eyes open the whole time!
And he’s all winky-winky and shit. And following the camera. How did this guy learn this stuff in less than a week?
This song is monumentally boring (sorry Luther Vandross), but he is so cute/fun to watch and we all know he is just going to hit every note there is, so we are all riveted.
Steven and JLo both almost freakin cried
He is just…good!


#12 Casey Abrams
sang “I Put a Spell on You”
Ok, he is trying to sing this song all sexy-like but instead he is singing this song looking like a total creeper, not a sexy Mr. Sexman.
He got his screaming and growling out.
Creepily
I wished he wasn’t making so many creeper faces, cuz he is fun, and he can sing, but no one else could POSSIBLY have thought that was sexy.
Just…
Creepy.

Wait, JLo said he’s sexy
Um, really?
No.
Really?
No.
But, really?
Am I the only one in the no boat?

Oh wait, she’s married to Skeletor.

Clearly this woman is a SPECTACULAR judge of the sexy.

ANYbarf, the first night of vote-able performances was surprisingly good, there wasn’t a LOT of awkwardness.

What magic will tomorrow’s Top 12 Female show bring?

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

American T & A

Posted by The Bludge on March 4, 2011

So there’s still people left to kick off the show, so here we are…

They start out this show by being all up in JLo’s face about the last guy they kicked off on the last part of the show, she’s sad because she didn’t want to kick him off because he had a sob story.

Was this just an act for her?
Did she know that viewers would feel that way so they needed her to play it up?
Naw, I doubt it, I think part of her is still human.
Maybe from the neck up…hmmmm, no…well, maybe behind the skull-parts?


So Karen Rodriguez…

is DUH going through.
DUH.
She’s a seasoned performer with a great voice and she dresses cute.
WAIT
Oh honey, no.
They’re showing a clip of one of her performances and she’s wearing this:


A tube top around her stomach and GIANTCROTCH! PANTS
I take back what I said about her wardrobe

Her last performance she’s singing a Selena song.
WAY TO PANDER TO THE JUDGE
Her dress is pretty, though.
So, yeah, of course she made it.
She almost made Fox have to pay an FCC fine:


Robbie Rosen is next.

There are certain things that I want to comment on but I’m REALLY trying hard not to make fun of people for the way they look. They can’t help it.
It’s like a potato. A potato just can’t help being a potato, and sometimes having lots of eyes. Well, maybe if they asked for help removing the creepy eyes they would have more friends.
I’m hungry.
Potato.

Anyway, the song that Robbie sung for the judges was uhhhhh
boring.
Yeah, of course he made it through, though.

Totally unrelated, I HATE how each year the judges say “Better talent than we’ve ever had before”
That’s kinda rude.
So that means that these people


were better than Kelly Clarkson?
Kelly, who has had 13 Top 100 Billboard hits.

Tatynisa Wilson was the one that made up the words to “I Hope you Dance”
Her final performance was “UnBreak my Heart” which they didn’t show enough of to see if it was decent.
Her, uhh, *cough*…clothes are cute

but, can she back it up?
Not that ass, can she back up her singing?
That doesn’t make sense.
How about that Ovechkin, eh!?!
So, back to Tatynisa, she made it through!


So then they showed fast clips of 2 apparently unimportant people that got cut.

Tim Halperin is pretty boring, so I didn’t bother taking a picture of him.
He’s the one that dueted on piano w/ one of those hot girls.
He sang an original song for his final song and played the piano, dunno if it was any good, they barely showed him singing cuz it’s not like this is a show ABOUT SINGING or anything
He made it through for some reason.


Up next, Julie Zorrilla, the girl who escaped the gorillas.

Zarrilla.
Gorilla
Zorrilla
Garilla.

Anyway
She likes to wear poofy-skirted dresses

And then this happened…

She played piano and sang some song I don’t know for her final song
I’m pretty sure she’ll make it in
Yep, she did. Hopefully she’ll put more emotion into her singing or
wait
THIS just happened…

…the hell?


Next up are the country boys.

Can we just say no to BOTH of them?
I’m not a fan.
Maybe it’s just because NOONE is as good as Alan Jackson.

Scotty played guitar and sang…?? for his final song.
It’s prolly a gospel or that guy who always wore black. There was a movie about him…NO, not Roy Orbison!
The judges really liked it but they also have to take into account that instead of singing the actual words to “I Hope you Dance” he talked about testicles…or something.
They put him into the top 24! John Wayne got sent home, though.
(John Wayne is more attractive)
*sadface*


Sidenote, I noticed that some people walk back into the room of contestants and get lots of hugs from their competition, but some others have no one there…….
Can I get a C-word?!!?


Jovany’s last song was possibly in Spanish? I don’t know what was happening, my face was ear-deep in brownie.

He made it to the Top 24!


This girl…

They haven’t played a lot of her footage, prolly cuz they know she’s gonna go far
She’s got a great big voice and she did make it through!
She doesn’t have to clean toilets anymore!!
Some guy fake-passed-out for some reason…?


2 more people that I don’t know got cut.

Rachel Z
Her outfit today is…odd

They played a lot of her final performance, it was very weird. Not bad, but she was all soft and quiet and then LOUD and growly and super high notes and, HUH?
When she got in front of the judges she said she wanted to perform the way the judges wanted her to and then she got a lecture about doing what she likes and singing something that means something to her and not what “some guy in the third row wants to hear”
After making her think she was gonna go home she made it through.


Kendra sang the same song for her final performance that she sang at her first audition. Prolly if she sang it without looking like she just walked into a brick wall it was 100% better than the first time lol
She just looks like someone keeps sneaking up behind her every time she’s about to get on camera and stabbing her with a turkey baster full of Demoral

Someone needs to tell her they switched her hemoglobin with METH CRYSTALS!
I guess they took pity on her cuz she made it through.


Up now is self-absorbed Jordan Dorsey
This guy prolly polishes the bottoms of his shoes.
He strikes me as totally anal-retentive and OCD
Not that I’m being judgemental.
Oh wait, that’s the reason this blog exists.
Well, anyway, he made it through.
There was a guy last season who basically implied that God said he was going to win American Idol and he promptly got voted off of the show.
I think Jordan might be that guy this season.


Oh dear Barbie.
Lauren Alaina is dressed like Barbie Cowgirl

Her last song was “I Need Your Love” and of course it was pretty
I think they should let her through but just assign her a stylist.
They scared her at first but she made it through of course


Stefano is next, I hope they show his scars again, OH GOOD!

He sang an original for his last song and played piano. I’m pretty sure it was called “Come On” because those were the only 2 words in it during the HOUR that they played of him singing it


He made it to the Top 24!


Sidenote – what’s w/ JLo’s hair?

And who TP’d JLo?


Still an hour to go and up on the chopping block: Simply Red, Dollar Store Adam Lambert, Golddigger, Jacob, Mr. Jazz, and hot-ass Pia Psghetti (or whatever)


Jackie Wilson (who is dating someone’s grandpa) (AKA Golddigger)

She bombed on her final song, forgetting the words to Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You”
JLO’s first word was “unfortunately” which doesn’t bode well
Then she says she “started really song out of the blocks”
Wha?
When Jackie gets the obvious “No” she asks “Why?” I don’t think anyone has done that. The answer was inconsistency.
And then this happened

EW!!
You’re lucky that I didn’t post the actual kiss.
Pass the brain bleach, please.


Jacob Lusk, AKA The Man of 1,000,000 Faces, is next.

Come on, there’s no way he can’t make it through, even though he is totally not present for any of his performances.
His final performance was not great actually. I thought it was pretty pitchy and, per usually, he had his eyes closed the entire time.
I hope the judges talk to him about his performance
NOPE
They pretty much immediately let him through.
He was slightly excited.

Pia Toscano
She is perty.
And those HIPS

Her solo was beautiful, whatever the hell it was.
How could she not get through.
She’s SO. HOT.
So hot that I totally forgot to take another picture of her…
YAY! She made it.
I love hot chix.
That leaves ONE girl spot left…


James Durbin (speaking of girls)…
For his last song he channeled Adam Lambert
NONFUCKINGSTOP
I THINK he sang “Change Gone Come” but ‘sang’ is like, a severe understatement


Casey Abrams played his bass and sang “Do Right” for his last song.
I didn’t like it, but I like him a lot; his singing, style, personality, etc etc

Just so you know, 15 year old JACEE, Simply Red, and Guy Whose Name Is Prolly Chris are the only 3 boys left in the waiting room and there are TWO spots.

Between Casey and them….hmmm…one of which is JACEE.
OF COURSE CASEY MADE IT THROUGH
and totally jumped out of his chair, knocking it off the mini-stage
Heh


15 year old Thia Megia and some girl I don’t recall ever seeing before go see the judges together

Thia sang Josh Groban’s snoozefest and of course sang it perfectly.
But she just sang it with her usual smile on her face with no personality whatsoever.
She’s 15.
Other girl auditioned SEVEN times for Idol.
Seven.
Today is some girl’s 25th birthday.
Other girl made it to this point last year, and…….is being kicked off again.
Ouch.
She shouldn’t feel too bad, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed.
I’d kick Thia out of bed. Cuz that shit is illegal, she’s 15!
Birthday girl gave the judges a 2-fingered salute.

I’m SURE they will ask her back for next year!!


OH JESUS, WHO IS THAT OLD PERSON ON THE SCREEN

So now there’s three boys left:

Brett thought there were 2 spots left and they didn’t waste too much of our time before telling Brett he was the one that made it through.


SO, the top 12 boys are:
Brett
Jovany
Jacob Lusk
Norman?
Clint
Robbie Rosen
Stefano
Jordan Dorksey
Tim Halpern
James Durbin
Casey Abrams
Scotty McCrappy

Top 12 Girls
Naima
Julie Z
Karen Rodri
Lauren Turner
Kendra Chant
Ashthon Jones
Rachel Z
Hailey R
Thia
Laren Alaina
Pia
Tatynisa Wilson

I’m THREE episodes behind as the 12 boys sang first, then the next day the girls sang, and then the next day God rested. No, wait…on the third day, he made spaghetti?
Pizza!?
Ahh hell, well the premier for JLo’s most recent video was the third show. I mean, the results show, I’m sure they just happened to have time to show her new video.
*eyeroll*

Check back here soon, bitches!!!!

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

The Idol Element

Posted by The Bludge on March 3, 2011

This episode aired on 02-23 – yes, I’m a little behind.
Well, actually, I have a big behind, but that’s neither here nor there.
Actually, it’s kind of both, like I said, it’s big.


ANYhooker…about Idol…


Apparently they’re in Vegas, and everyone must sing Beatles songs


BEATLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOHOO!!

I’m definitely a Beatles person and not really a Rolling Stones person.


There are 61 contestants left now and they will soon be massacred down to 24! I sure wish they would ask my opinion because I could definitely do it in less than TWO FUCKING HOURS.


So the contestants got to pick either one or two people to sing with and then they picked a BEATLES! song out of a hat and they had 24 hours to practice it.
Assuming they got at least 4 hours of sleep, they actually had 20 hours to practice.
TOTALLY adequate.


Thia and Jersey (I don’t know her name-just that she’s from Jersey) were not ready and Thia was giving us some SERIOUS teenager-face



They all got to have vocal coaches, there were 4 different ones and apparently one of them is “THE VOCAL COACH FROM HELL” (Ryan’s words)
Of course they had to play lots of footage of her being a total bitch to the little girls.
Why are we concentrating on a total crotchface?!?
Why is this worth watching?
Oh, that’s right! Cuz we feel better that we are 1) not her, and 2) not the girls.


OMG some of these kids have never even HEARD a Beatles song.

WHAT.
THE.
DEUCE!?!?

Now that is just bad parenting.


Before performing for the judges, the groups performed in front of a shit ton of producers who of course they showed only being super critical.
Wait, they can pick a different song?? I don’t get it. One of the groups was told by the producer-types they should pick a different song…what exactly was the point of the picking-songs-from-a-hat?


Stefano & James Durbin were the first duo up, singing “Get Back”

Why is James wearing a karate kid bandana?

That song was ok for Stefano but I didn’t like it with James’ voice.
Anyone else think of Fez when they look at Stefano?
Not like, the character Fez from That 70’s Show, but the actor, Willlll…mer V… whatever, I don’t want to look up how to spell it, that’s why I called him FEZ!
ANYway, you little bitches, what I mean by that is he’s a totally likeable little guy – unassuming and goofy, but he can also be pretty good looking.


Next up are high school pals Pia and Karen

Why is Karen’s hair so big?
And unkempt?

The girls sang “Can’t Buy Me Love”.
Karen was overdoing her show part of the performance (over-acting) but whatevs, she gives good song.
In fact, both of the girls sang well and are very pretty.


Oh boy, Jacob Lusk!
He’s in a group with Naima and Haley

Haley sang first, the register was pretty low but I think she pulled it off. I listened to her last performance that I thought was really good, with a big voice and all that and honestly, she was pitchy the whole time.
Fuck.
Naima’s first note was off key and they really didn’t show much of her.
Jacob, again with the eyes closed and the un-present stage presence, he sang well. DUH

Apparently they all went to the school of “I’m singing passionately, ergo I must crouch”

What the hell song are they singing?
Their almost-last note was SHARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrppp
JLo said “Very very nice” in an almost condescending way, like she was surprised they didn’t suck lolz
HELLO!? They had JACOB! lol


Rachel Z was the only one in her group that they showed, they sang “Eleanore Rigby”
Her voice was a bit singy-singy (like, too broadway) but still good


Not-Blond-Lauren sang “Let It Be” with Jovany, well, theoretically. They really only showed Lauren singing.
She pretty much kicks ass, though I neglected to take her picture.


Tim Halperin and Julia Zorrilla diddled each other.
Wait, that’s not what I meant to type….they played keyboards together.
There we go.

They really sang well together. it wasn’t great singing, nothing earth sharttering (typo and it stays) but it was nice.


Lakeisha, Tatyneshia, and Jerome sang “When I Saw Her Standing There”

I like Miss Lakeisha’s voice best, Tatywhatever was a bit highpitched and nasally and apparently Jerome exists(?)
They kicked the harmonies ASSES though, did a great job.


Kendra and Paul weirdly sang “Blackbird”?

Kendra frequently looked either like she forgot she was on stage periodically or she forgot to poop earlier and was thinking about pooping later.

She didn’t seem to know what to do while he was singing

There needs to be a voice-over thingy that says what she’s thinking. Like, here, I believe she’s thinking “What is with all the beards this season?”

Oh god, wait, she must’ve just got kicked in the crotch, cuz she just squeaked.
Screeched?
The judges loved his voice – they gave her compliments, too but his voice is kinda…unique.


Oh, UGH, Ashley the drama queen is taking advantage of being in Vegas and is GETTING MARRIED.
They’re getting married where Britney Spears got married.
You know, for luck, I guess.
You know, cuz also they’re trash.

The CAMERA GUY is their witness.
LOLz
She’s wearing pleather pants. (FYI, even MS Word doesn’t think that pleather is a word.)
Dear Lawd, please let him be shooting blanks.


Thia and whoever are up now, and they had to bring up the coach from hell again…
Oh, Melinda is the non-Asian’s name.

What?

They’re singing “Here Comes the Sun”
NO. Thia should be kicked off RIGHT NOW.
Thia’s wearing shortalls.
Hell NO I didn’t get a picture of that, why would you want to see it?

Melinda looked surprised to find that she was singing
Melinda should prolly come back next year, she’s just SO YOUNG, she needs more maturity and experience.


Next up is Ash(OMG)ley and Sophia.

Oh UGH, why is Ryan talking to Ashley?
She’s a DOUCHE.
They sang “We Can work It Out”
Their performance was weird. Not awful but…odd.
The judges didn’t dig it either, YAY!


Denise, Scotty, and Blond-Lauren sang(?) “Hello, Goodbye”
Denise looks like she just left jazzercise; why is she wearing spandex shorts and a sequined tank top?
Scotty just sounded weird and Lauren just wasn’t in her element.
They ran around the stage at the end and it was funny/cute but it made them sing funny cuz they were running (in heels-except maybe for maybe Scotty but prolly he was wearing cowboy boots and those have heels)


omg you guys, Casey and Chris’s performance was excellent.

They sang “Feel All Right”? and they harmonized great, but their performance was really great.
Just too cute/funny/awesome.
I seriously don’t understand how Casey is only 19.


Aaron, Robbie, and Jordan already had experience being a group from Hollywood.

They all sounded great and their performance was good too.
I think Robbie sounded better than the other 2.


And that was it for performances.
So, they immediately start telling contestants if they are through or cut.
WEIRD, I thought they were going to show a lot of slow shots of people walking towards the judges and crying and shit.
I think that comes later.

(Spoiler: It does)


So, the first group through is: Jordan, Ashthon, Lauren Alaina, Thia, Robbie, some guy with big hair, and SCOTTY.
WHY!?!?
What did I ever do to the judges??


The first people cut are some hot chic – oh she’s the white house intern, Crazy blond guy, and strung out guy
Then there’s Melinda, Denise (maybe she should’ve worn pants), and Sophia, and ASHLEY!!! WOOOOHOOOO!!

WHOAH, and she didn’t freak the fuck out and sob and cut herself or anything.
Weird, she must be on high on Oxycodone.


Oh, so NOW they are going to walk slowly towards a chair and find out their fate.
But, they haven’t performed any more than they had since the last cut, so I have NO idea what they’re basing this on, since they made it through yesterday….oh wait again, they are doing one more performance. Heh
In a hangar.
*blinks*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*shrugs*
I dunno either.


There are 40 people left and they’re keeping 24 of them. So they’re kicking off less than half.
If my daughter was awake I’d make her figure out the percentage, but I don’t do the maths.


Naima sang Corinne Bailey Ray’s “Put your records on” for her last performance for the judges.
I’m glad they did a solo performance cuz the group thing is kinda weird.

So, tell me Naima doesn’t look like the blue opera singer in The Fifth Element!


I didn’t hella love her solo performance, but whatevs.
The judges led her on and then told her she is through. That’s cool, she does seem like a cool person.


Hmmm, I wonder if they’re going to pull a rabbit out like they did last year, and prolly the year before) and have two people left in the room and they know only one of them is going through but then they BOTH get through, cuz those judges, they’re CRAZY.
(They can read teleprompters)


Holly sang Alicia Keys “No one”. She has a weird accent, I can’t figure out what it is…and she walks like a linebacker
Or, like, a gymnast
She did not make it through
JLo told her that she was outvoted cuz SHE wanted to keep her, but also she thinks since Holly is only 17, she can come back and win this thing straight up on another season.


Lakeisha

got cut.
๐Ÿ˜ฆ boo
I like her voice


Some guy named Alex also got cut.
I don’t remember him and didn’t get his pic



For his final performance, Clint AKA Mr. Terribleglasses, sang Lionel Richie but they only played 2 words of it. (Yay?)
Of course he’s going through, Randy’s frowning and shaking his head, which means that JLo and Steven loved it.


Haley’s turn

NO idea what she sang for her last performance, but it was “WHOAH-y”.
She made it through! Cool, I do want to see her, I think she has a good stage presence and I love that she is young and little and has such a big voice.
Maybe she can be my replacement for Christina Aguilera now that XTina is a cheating whore and also possibly a drunk (of a less-than-Charlie-Sheen calibre).


Deandre is one of the babies at 16.

DAMN, his voice is just pretty.
I actually like his hair.
but he did not make it through
They think others are more consistent
๐Ÿ˜ฆ
We’ll be seeing him again.
Trust.


Paul McDonald’s up next; the guy with a totally smooth voice that has never gotten a bad word.
Gee, you think he will make it through?

Can we kick him off just for wearing this:

He sang an original song for the judges for his “last” performance.
Duh duh derrrr he made it.


Ahshthohnh sang Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” for her last performance.
Que?
She’s totally consistent and has a great stage presence and voice
She also is adorable and dresses awesome.

YES she made it.


Chris Medina
Um, I’m not sure what he sang for his final song, I think it was Chris Martin (?) and I don’t like that guy much (the Goop husband, not Chris)
I dunno, it wasn’t that exciting.
JLo’s trying not to cry, she’s telling him how she has so much respect for him as a person, as a man.
But, he did not make it into the top 24.

Poor JLo had to be consoled by Randy and Steven because she felt she didn’t tell Chris in the right way. Awww, she IS human!!

And it’s “To Be Continued!”

Damnit. Well, it doesn’t really matter because I’m watching this show a day (week) late, which means that there’s another show playing right now and I can just continue now ๐Ÿ™‚

Come along with me…

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »