The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs


Posted by The Bludge on March 17, 2011

Oh dear lord

What the crap is going on here?

JLo looks like what would happen if Janis Joplin ate, then shat out Charro.

And don’t get me started on Mrs. Roper’s ensemble.

Ryan looks nice as usual.
I don’t capiche him.
He looks very nice, mostly attractive; but is this guy asexual?

I can’t picture him being with a girl OR a guy.

FYI, since most of you freaks that read my blog don’t actually watch the show, last week, Ahshthohnh was kicked off.

The judges had the option to save her from elimination but unanimously chose to give her the boot.
To quote JLo: “I was rooting for you but the vote was unanimous, you’re going home. So yeah, in English I guess that means that I WASN’T rooting for you at all, but I don’t want to look like the bad guy, here.” (Ok, I MIGHT have added that last part, but she DID say the first sentence.)

This week’s theme is songs from the year that the contestant was bored.
Wait, I mean born.

Naima was born in 1984. She sang Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It”

She’s got a good stage presence but Anna Mae Bullock’s voice could kick her ass.
That’s Tina Turner’s real name.
She was born in 1939.

The fact that Naima really throws all of herself into the performance really makes up for a lot of her lack of thickness and power in her voice, but not enough for me.
At least Randy and JLo called her out on her pitchyness-both pointed out that this and last week have been pitchy.

Paul was born in 1984.
HOLY SHIT. He looks OLDER than me…but he’s NOT.

He sang Elton John “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues”
This song didn’t really sound like an Elton John song, which, might have been good(?) if it had been interesting enough to actually watch. But every song that he sings sounds the same.
And he is pointing and walking all weird and yelling a bit (his voice is pretty raspy today) which looks like every other performance of his.
I’m just not a fan.

Thia was born in 1995
OMFG you guys.
Look how cute she was

For some reason, Thia hates us so much that she sang “Colors of the Wind” by Vanessa Williams.
omg this is awful
Only because it’s rushed and GAY.
Gay as in lame, not gay as in same-sex partners. (Check back next week when I make a post on racism/bigotry!)
She’s performing it very… ‘Miss America’.
It’s like she is saying to us “Here is this song that I’m singing for you, I have no idea what the meaning is, but the notes and words…here they are and…BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
And her voice was nasally.
She is pretty, though

ROFLTOMATO Randy just said the word “pageant”
JLo criticized her vibrato

James Durbin was born in 1989.
He is doing Bon Jovi’s “I’ll Be There for You”.
Oh boy!!
First two notes were OFF.
It’s a very fast song tonight, but he’s doing a great job.
His scream started great actually, but then he pushed it up to a note that has no business existing in this world.
This guy is growing on me, though. He’s pretty unassuming and fun.

James is hinting that he’ll sing an Aerosmith song for the finale, and Steven said if he does that he’ll sing it with him, and they shook hands on it.
That should be interesting.

Haley was born in 1990.
OH HELL YES, check out Mom’s hair

That was funny, Haley’s like “I have no idea where I got my musical talent……just kidding.”
Her parents are in a band and have been for like, ever.
She’s singing “I’m Your Baby Tonight” by Whitney Houston.

It sounds like Haley has a rasp in her voice, too
This is…weird
I just
Her voice has so much range
This song was just
I didn’t really recognize it
She has a youth to her voice but then all this WOMAN there too
And she has lipstick all over her face/teeth

JLo did make a good point she really needs to work on moving around the stage more naturally. You can kind of tell that she is thinking about how she needs to move instead of just dancing along to the music (or whatever).
LOL Ryan is helping her with the lipstick issue
Awwww that was nice

I can TOTALLY understand her not “knowing what kind of artist she wants to be”. She’s 21 and I am older than her and *I* love ALL kinds of music, so picking my favorite would be HELLA hard. I mean, I am rapping along with Eminem, singing falsettos with Prince, belting out Martina McBride, pretending I know Spanish singing “Mi Tierra” by Gloria Estefan, or jumping along with Fighting Gravity(it’s ska).
Knowing that her parents are musicians, I’m not surprised that she has many musical interests.

Stefano was born in 1989.

Some of his song options are The New Kids On The Block’s “Hangin Tough,,” or maybe Tone Loc’s “Funky Cold Medina.”
BUT, he chose Simply Red’s version “If You Don’t Love Me By Now.”
Oh his voice, it’s so nice!
He really is bringing this home.
The only bad note was the last one, and it was BARELY a little not good.

The judges all REALLY loved it but JLo did mention he needs to open his eyes and sing to the people.
Awww then he ran down to hug his mom.

Pia was born in 1988
Awww she looks like she’s always been a little diva

LOL then a minute later her Mom said that same thing! Hah!
Pia is going to sing “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” by Whitney Houston.
I hope she reserves herself just a little to keep her from

She’s wearing a silk jumpsuit…pantsuit…hammerpants…thing

I can’t concentrate on what the hell she is singing.
I know she did hit a great falsetto.
Ok, I’m listening to it again without looking at the TV so I can stop asking someone to deflate her crotchal area.
She screamed a bit, but whatever
She’s fucking hot.

Scotty McPoopy was born in 1993
OMG he was a cute fat baby

He used to impersonate Elvis
He’s singing “Can I Trust You With My Heart” by some guy who also sings country
Why does he hold the mic so weird?

It reminds me of how Bob Dole holds his pen.
That is not a euphemism.
Also, I just showed my age.

Scott seems to be confused by his leaning problem

I don’t hate him as much this week because he sang well

Karen Rodriguez was born in 1989 also
Her Mom is so sweet and adorable.
Karen is going to screw up “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane.
Ok, that was just mean, I hope she does well, but she has been choking a bit lately.
Wow. Her hair is…large and in charge

She’s over-acting a little bit lot, but her voice is SO much better than last week.
Very nice…until she pushed it
I was quite amused by JLo’s advice to Karen to “play to her strengths, if you can’t hit a note, don’t do it, do something else”
Do I need to make that joke more obvious?

#10 Casey was born in 1991
His parents are old
and drunk.
Casey will sing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana
That came out the year he was BORN!?!?

Well, we’ll see how it go….ooohhhh yuck
He is so off
This is terrible
I would like to go on record saying, NO!

Randy’s criticism went like this: “I’m a producer, I’m a writer, blah blah blah me me me”
So, yeah, I have NO idea what he said.
I’m pretty sure the judges all praised Casey.
Were they not able to hear it over their ears bleeding?

Apparently Lauren is sick. At least, that’s what I gather from this image:

Lauren was born in 1994


No, it’s not about how old *I* was in 1994

It’s her PARENTS

I think THEY were born in 1994, too!

Don’t ask me how, but LOOK!

Lauren is going to sing “I’m the Only One” by Melissa Etheridge
Erm, this is really tame…
Ok, NOW she’s kicking it out in the chorus
And she got the crowd pumped
Oh dear, she yelled out some bad notes but she has the flu so I’ll let it slide, mostly.

Jacob Lusk was born 1987
He will sing “Alone” by Heart.
You know, “How do I get you alooooone.”

Of course he killed it
Like, KILLED it.
Good killed it.
Queen has PIPES.

SOOoooooooo, here’s your line-up people:

#1 Naima sang “What’s Love got to Do With It”
#2 Paul channeled(?) Elton
#3 Thia humped on Pocahontas’ Snoozefest
#4 James Durbin belted “I’ll Be There For You”
#5 Haley sang words
#6 Stefano crooned “If You Don’t Know Me By Now
#7 Pia is HOT
#8 Scotty Whatever
#9 Karen Yeah
#10 Casey AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#11 Lauren *Pats her on the head*
#12 Jacob Lusk HELLO!!?? He can sing anything.

I’m afraid Haley will go home


One Response to “GET OFF MY LAWN!!”

  1. Di said

    one of them was born the year I graduated… that is sad.

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