The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

It’s What It’s

Posted by The Bludge on March 31, 2011


So, Ryan has a new fan

I guess it’s appropriate that we’re doing Elton John songs today.

I’m guessing 3 out of the 11 contestants will have never heard an Elton song.
Unfortunately they didn’t mention who hadn’t heard of Elton; too bad, I would’ve guessed Thia, Stefano, and Lauren.


#1 Scotty

I didn’t get a picture of Scotty McLeansALot so here’s a picture of Hulk Hogan from last week and his creepily absent belly button.

CREEPY

Anyway, Scotty is singing Elton’s “Country Comfort”.

The be-coated, be-hatted, be-speckled producer guy called Scotty ELEGENT.
HAH

His song was RIGIDLY typical country with NO stand-outs EXCEPT that he gave a shout-out to his grandma which was adorable.
And his guitar is pretty.

Crazy Grandma Tyler says “There’s nothing I can say to you that a couple high heeled cowboy boots wouldn’t fix.”
Wha?


#2 Naima
She’s singing “I’m Still Standing” but in a reggae style.
Her costume reminded me more of a gay pride flag than reggae colors…

This is odd, but it’s…ok.
Sometimes I think she is out of tune but I’m pretty sure the key changed and she is in tune.
The beginning showcased her voice more, even though it was odd and she was really singing from the back of her throat with all of the low notes.
I dunno you guys, again, she’s not a spectacular singer but she is very likable.


Apropos of nothing, I’m so glad that Paula Abdul is back on the show.


#3 Paul is going to earfuck “Rocket Man”.
So yeah, he is singing it (I think?) and if he doesn’t start crying or flop around like a flounder this song is going to put me to sllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllkjnhfxc


#4 Pia is doing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.”
Yep, another ballad.

She sang it really well but it did not get me all excited.
Her modeling picture did

But I am not a fan of the ice dancing costume that she performed in

Pia’s hot.
Whatever.


#5 Stefano is going to ruin “Tiny Dancer”.

Hey Stefano, wtf is a ballerinum?
Is that the shit spewing out of that nuke plant in Japan?

Maybe if he would stop smiling all of the time it would seem like a song instead of a show.

I was not impressed.
The judges were a lot nicer this week and said that he connected more with the audience.
Well, not the ones in THIS living room.


Sidenote – WHY is Howie Mandell allowed to breathe?


#6 Lauren is going to make us hate “Candle in the Wind”.
Not because she’ll be bad but because OMG, I don’t even want to hear ELTON sing that fucking song ever again.

It’s not a good range for her, it’s very nasally and irritating.
It’s really not doing her any favors.
Neither did the dress the put her in for the photo shoot.

I’m all for equal opportunity employment but hiring a midget photographer really wasn’t a good idea.

It’s very 80’s-big-hair meets timid country singer. The voice, not her outfit. Her outfit is better than that one up there ^ but not exciting enough for me to photograph.


#7 James is gonna perform “Saturday.”

Oh
No
He
Di’int.
He just did a teddy bear.

Not like “had inappropriate relations with a stuffed animal”, I mean did something like this

Well that was entertaining.
It was fun.
Whatevs
NEXT

#8 Thia is going to do a robot version of “Daniel”.

Producer dood says to her: “Forget all the high school drama stuff” HAHAHAHAHAHA, so like, forget last year?

That was surprisingly good…in a way. Her feelings were finally existent. Though some of the notes seemed like her voice was about to just squeak and then her big vibrato came through.
Sometimes.

The judges liked it.

I didn’t take her picture this week because she wasn’t wearing any food preparation material.


#9 Casey is singing “Your Song”
He said he was gonna cut the beard.
The beard is still there.

It’s much better though.
He looks more like the pudgy nice guy that women are “let’s just be friends” with than the creepy basement dweller that buys used underwear on the internet.

It’s just him singing and some guy on the piano.
It’s good.

His voice is nice. It’s nice to not be distracted by his growling and yelling and creepyface.
He did do creepyface a few times, though.
This was also an improvement


#10 Jacob is going to over-dramatize “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word.”

He killed it.
Per usually.


#11 Haley will be growling “Bennie and the Jets”.

Yay! She’s jazzy and growly and not using that sweet voice that doesn’t fit in with the rest.
And she was a little more comfortable on the stage. Not great, but better.
Prolly she just needs to take a shot of whiskey and get laid. Prolly in that order. (Is she even 18?)

YES! AWESOME!
Randy said “BEST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT”!!!
And that was AFTER Jacob!!!


So, tonight as a whole wasn’t amazing.
If I had to pick my favorite it would be…….the brownies that I ate while I was watching the show.

Vote for the Worst is telling people to vote for Paul, which is fine with me because it’s not Scotty, but I think that will keep Paul out of the bottom three, so even though I would assume he’d be in it, he likely won’t be this week.

Here’s my opinion that is worth about 72¢:
Scotty was the boringest.
Thia was 2nd boringest.
Stefano was 3rd boringest.
Naima was the meh-est.
Jacob, James, and Pia were the typical-est.
Haley was the underdog-est.
Casey was the desperate-est.
and Lauren was also there.

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