F U in the I
Posted by The Bludge on April 8, 2011
Do not adjust your screens ladies and gentlemen, your contact lenses and glasses are fine
This is not total eye fuckery, this is alive(?) Steven Tyler and his waxy likeness from the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, because this week, the contestants are singing songs by people/bands that were inducted into the Hall of Fame.
He was going to do “Let’s Get it On” but I’m kinda glad that he didn’t. He is too over-the-top-queeny to pull off sexy MANLINESS.
There’s a lady on the stage singing too and OMG WHY are they thrusting their crotches at each other?
That was actually pretty boring, I didn’t love it.
I mean, I love HIM but…it wasn’t GREAT.
I’m sure it was much better in person.
She isn’t growling TOO too much.
Aaaand now they did two weird-ass breaks in the song that totally fucked it all up. It was just a removal of guitar and stuff and mostly a bass beat and WHAT THE FUCK?
THIS IS JANIS JOPLIN, not Rhianna.
Also, her last run was too random but I really did love the rest of the song.
Casey was going to sing “Every Little Thing She Does” but instead did “Have you Ever Seen the Rain” by CCR
And he’s playing the ginormous bass.
What’s with the guy playing the eukelele?
This song is monumentally lame.
Steven Tyler thinks Casey should turn his bass into a car.
Now he’s talking about Casey’s package.
Lauren is gonna sing Aretha’s “Natural Woman”
What the hell is she wearing?
It’s totally giving her a polterwang.
Oh right, the girls are wearing Gwen Stefani’s crap.
And her hair…
All she needs is a nose-ring connected to an earring.
Are her feet glued to that spot on the stage?
James is going to slow it down with “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”
I think this will be good, so long as he’s not too twitchy.
Well, he just started his scream/yell and apparently that was the end of the song.
That was weird.
It was just like…..oh…it’s…over.
And he’s all crying. Awwww
Steven just said “Not only did your guitar gently weep, so did you.”
Scotty is gonna slaughter Elvis’s “That’s All Right Mama.”
I HATE the way he holds the mic.
And suddenly there are girls that RAN up on stage and mobbed him and then they were gone.
Oh, I see what they did there, cuz he sang an Elvis song. UGH, producers. UGH.
Steven said to him “I thought you were all hat and no cattle.”
Seriously…I am SO glad Paula’s back this year!!
Pia is singing Tina Turner’s “River Deep Mountain High”
Oh my damn.
She’s wearing a floppy cow suit.
omg her butt-crack starts at the bottom of her hair. Perhaps all of that rope was cutting off the oxygen to her brains.
Oh, and also, she sang.
He is throwing himself into the singing and it’s MUCH better than before, because he isn’t just smiling the whole friggen time.
He hits all of his notes every week
So, PAUL is singing Johnny Cash’s “Folsum Prison Blues”
What the deuce?
Ok, it’s a little better than usual.
My living room consensus is that Paul did well.
So, my favorite performance was Haley.
I know, it wasn’t Pia!
Here we go, ranking on best overall performance (singing/performing):
8 ) Casey
I’m guessing the bottom 3 are Casey, Lauren, and Pia
OK, now to the results show!
Randy and Sally Jesse Raphael aren’t looking too much better either, but really…Jennifer!?
Also, Steven’s pants are so tight I can see how many sperm he doesn’t have left.
Casey and Lauren are safe, Stefano is in the bottom 3
Guest appearance time!
WHY is Constantine Mouralis singing this song?
He’s singing “Lean On Me” or some similar song and WHAT THE HELL. If he was promoting an album, why wouldn’t it be an original song?
We had to fast forward because he looked like someone that we all had bad memories of, yech.
The only watchable part of that was when they showed a picture of his new baby girl,
which spawned this discussion in my living room:
“Hey, what’s that baby doing lying on a plate of grits?”
“That’s not grits, it’s CLEARLY cream cheese on a Triscuit”
“…laying on a bed of hair”
Scotty is safe. Paul is safe. And PIA is not safe.
Ok, this is something I do not want to be right about y’all!
Now James, Jacob, and Haley are up.
GAH. Is it Jacob? Cuz he was boring.
Ok, James is safe.
GAH GAH GAH
And Haley is safe!
Are we kicking Stefano off for wearing those suspenders?
Dang, time for a commercial break…and now a guest appearance by…
OMG IGGY POP IS NOT NOT NOT OK IN HD
BAD Fox, BAD!!
Fuck America in the EYE
Pia was voted off of the show.
Well, I think we all know that if she doesn’t get a recording contract she can do either one of two things, modeling or stripping.