The Bludge's Blog

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Archive for May, 2011

Topple 3

Posted by The Bludge on May 19, 2011

OMG!
TOP 3!!!!
SO EXCITING!!!11oneeleven

Beyonce is the kids’ mentor!
Oh, I used to have such a crush on Beyonce’s inner thighs.
OMG, who just wrote that!!?


The kids are starting with their favorite songs.

Scotty is starting off the lean..errr show by singing something by Lonestar, “Amazed”.
I LOVE Lonestar. Their bacon-wrapped steak is AWESOME.

I am shocked. SHOCKED. That scotty is leaning on a piano

And of COURSE he’s wearing a cross. That’s what southern boys do.
Especially when they want the Christian vote.

This is BORING. His voice is not being heard. I mean, you’d think I’d be ok with that, but the only good part of that song was the high note that he hit. At the end, and I’m not saying that this time to be mean, it’s just that he actually held a note, and it was actually pretty, but the rest of the song was a snoozefest.


Lauren is next with “Wild One” by Faith Hill. This was the first song I heard Faith sing and I just loved it. I’m more of a Martina fan, though.
This is too fast to appreciate her voice. Oh ugh, and she just hit a really ugly note. She’s kind of all over the damn place. The song was WAY too ADHD. It was a virtual toddler running between legos and food.
JLo actually said it was good, I can’t wait to hear Randy’s judgement because I think he likely agrees with me. Oh…nope.

Also, what the hell is she wearing?

Her head is ready for a luau, her mid-section just left the set of Star Trek-Vegas, and her feet just got back from a southern beauty pageant where she came in Poor.

And the crotch-level camera….WHY!?!?


Oh, boy! Haley is going to do Led Zeppelin!!!
In the preview video she mentioned wanting her Dad to play on stage with her and there’s a guy playing guitar on stage and if that is her Dad I am going to cry.
This is really cool, the song I mean.
Maybe only us old people will like it.

Oh dear, she just fell running back to the stage but she recovered well.
It helped that the cameras were panned waaaay out.

Hmm, it’s not quite enough singing.

OMG it IS her Dad!!
Awwwwwwwwwwwww *sniff*


Ok, so now the contestants are going to sing songs picked by Jacket/Hat.
Scotty is going to annoy the crap out of people that can stand up straight and also don’t make rap gestures like Vanilla Ice, with “Are You Going to Kiss Me or Not” by Thompson Square (? Dunno, don’t care)
I don’t think I know this song. How is that possible? I thought I knew all songs.

The only good thing about this performance is Scotty’s shirt.

And the fun he had singing it…that part was good.


Before, Lauren sings, I must warn you that my “friend” Steve is about to pay me a visit and (for those of you that don’t know who Steve is, you will get it in a sec) I am ridic emotional right now and everything is making me want to cry.

OH NO, and now…I’ll BRB, gotta go slit my wrists, Lauren was SIX YEARS OLD when she first started watching Idol.
UGH.

Jacket/Hat is having her sing “If I Die Young” by some people named something-Perry.

She looks really cute

It seems to happen about every 5th performance-that she gets the wardrobe right. Unfortunately it’s usually something so unbelievably unflattering she looks like a very pale Jolly Green Giant.

I think she just missed something, but whatevs, it doesn’t matter. The song is ok.

My phone is being a C-word that rhymes with RUNT and my trying to call to vote for Haley is being massively slowed.

Steven Tyler is a waste of chair…at least for this show. He does not have his proper level of medication needed to talk about matchsticks and duck fucking.


Jacket/Hat chose “Rhiannon” for Haley (I remember when my fave, Didi, last year sang it…what ever happened to her?)
OH FUCKING YAY!!! I can’t wait to hear this!!!
She mentioned hoping she remembered the words and I REALLY hope she doesn’t forget any.

EW. The woman singing harmony needs to GO. That woman is either off-key or just has a naturally irritating voice.

Honestly? It was nice, but I couldn’t hear her enough.

I didn’t take many pictures of Haley so here’s her face:


So now they’re playing Beyonce’s new music video (remember those!?!?) and it’s bizarre (of course?).
It’s like steppin’ mixed with poppin n lockin mixed with Barbarella and latex.


The judges have picked the last songs for the contestants and Scotty will be singing “She Believes in Me” by Kenny RogZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Welcome back! Lauren will be singing “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack.
Oh god, this is a BIG SONG.
Aaaaannnd she’s wearing cotton candy

She’s putting more vibrato into the high note than Lee Ann, that’s pretty impressive.
I could do with a little less attitude from Lauren, I mean, this song is pretty calm and reflective so sass isn’t really aprapos, but then she did put some guts into a couple parts of the song that really made it hers.

Oh, and Lee Ann Womack is totally MY good friend, too. (You had to watch to get that)


Haley is going to wrap up the show with, “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrissette

*blink*

Erm, I dunno…

Nope!
Too low. WAY too low.

Well, everything but the low notes parts are really great…soooooo…really just some of the chorus.
I don’t know whether she’s been pushing her voice and she usually could hit the low notes but just couldn’t right now, but if not, then they really needed to have done something different there.


So that’s it!
I hope you people voted for Haley!!
Or at LEAST Lauren.

DEAR GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET SCOTTY WIN.


I dunno folks, I’d rather Scotty left, but I think it’s true that more females than males watch this show and they are more likely to vote for a guy because they’re catty hateful bitches and are jealous of the girls’ talent and young age so they are unknowingly resentful. Umm, I think. Or maybe I’m projecting a little.


So, I think the winner of this show, is………….

Randy!

He finally looks cute.

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I Don’t Know What’s Going On Here

Posted by The Bludge on May 19, 2011

This episode’s songs are songs that some guys wrote… or something?

And Lady Gaga is mentoring or performing or in an egg somewhere.


James is singing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin”.
Oh boy!!!
I know he can do this, and as long as he doesn’t get too excited, he won’t overshoot those big high notes.

He nailed it all. His vibrato is really impressive. Hah, even the judges commented on that. Because yeah, not everyone can do that.


Haley is doing Michael Jackson’s….ummmm….something Michael Jackson sang.

It IS just like Michael Jackson…her hair’s on fire.

Wow, holy cats, this song is BORING.

UGH, she is YELLING THIS ENTIRE HALF OF THE SONG.

DAMNIT. I can’t imagine that will get her a lot of votes. I didn’t love it. She CAN sing so she did NOT have to holler at us.

JLo looked PISSED. Aaaaand so did Haley. Yuck.
Oh UGH, and she’s arguing.
I HATE THAT.
It does NOT change America’s mind. You’re TWENTY ONE. You’re arguing with people AT LEAST twice your age and you’re not right.
And neither is Steven Tyler.

JustSHUTUPshutupshutup!!


WHY does Ryan keep calling him “Scotty the Body?”

EW.
Scotty is not going to do justice to “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning” by the only man in country, (as far as I’m concerned) Alan Jackson.

OH CRAP.

Well of COURSE he’s safe this week.

He’s “trying not to cry” which also translates to “trying not to get kicked off” (and unfortunately doing it very well).
The performance is BORING. AS. HELL.


Lauren is singing “Anyway” by Martina McBride
Oh noooooo, I’m gonna CRY.
Oh, she’s really doing well!!
Her voice broke a little bit and it scared her, it was obvious, but she pushed it and hit the next buncha notes, and then it seemed like she backed off a bit.
whatevs, she did great.


Haley is singing “I Who Have Nothing” and I have no idea what this is.
It seems another song that no one knows and likely won’t be able to feel a connection.

Actually, it was powerful because of her connection and commitment.
She really delivered the song, and got a standing ovation from the judges!


Scotty is singing “Young Blood” by the Coasters.
And Gaga told him to sing straight into the mic like it’s a big hot dog.
Realizing that worked for HER and maybe not this country boy she changed it and told him to make out with the mic like it’s his girlfriend.
I’m still not sure he knew what she meant.
And from the way he’s fluting the mic AGAIN, I’m mostly certain now.


Lauren had some shelving installed since her last song.

She’s singing “Trouble” by Elvis Presley
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet. I love me some Elvis; though I’m not familiar with this song.
She was afraid of the song a little bit because she says “I’m evil” and Gaga walked her through it.
Silly.

This song just got a little too fast for her.
She’s trying to sing like Haley and it ain’t workin.
I actually didn’t like her singing “I’m evil” over and over again. It was just…weird.
Before the song I thought it was just one line and she needed to get over it, but NOW it just…I dunno. I didn’t like it.


James is singing “Love Potion #9”
It was fun watching Lady Gaga surprise him by forcing him to dance while they were practicing.
The song is kind of overpowering him and he’s not really SINGING.
Well, he wasn’t until just at the end, where he pulled out his high notes.


So…
now I’m watching the results show and the first person that is in the Top 3 is Lauren.
I’m pretty sure they called her name first for a few reasons.
First, she prolly would’ve had a nervous breakdown if she was made to wait.
Also, I think that next they are going to say that Scotty is in, so that there is a lot of drama of the “OMG IS IT JAMES OR HALEY?!?!?!?!”
It’ll prolly be James.
And I will say fuck you to America again.

Ok, so Lady Poop did the song that Haley had done that Lady GArgle only did at her shows and her singing is really great and I kind of wish she didn’t do all the over-the-top stuff

OH HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!
HALEY IS IN THE TOP 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY


Oh holy crap.
And SCOTTY is the third one in the top 3.

I hope someone will be posted in James’ hotel room to make sure he doesn’t kill himself later.

Like Ryan said “This was the point where Chris Daughtry was kicked off the show.” (Ok, I don’t think Ryan said it quite like that.)

Whoah. James is singing “Maybe I’m a Man” and he’s doing a great job and using that vibrato until he kissed his wife/girlfriend and lost it right before he was supposed to start singing some high notes.

Holy cats.

America…you are douchey.

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Are We There Yet?

Posted by The Bludge on May 9, 2011

So, I barely watched last week’s results show, but the only part that mattered was that Casey was kicked off.
Well, that’s fine with me.
Can we get Pia back, though? We can kick Scotty off right now and then there’d be a spot open! At least for another week.


Jacket/Hat and icky dick-sucker-face Sheryl Crow are the mentors this week.

Ok, so I’m not supposed to be so critical of appearances anymore cuz it’s small-minded and hateful and stuff but I formed that opinion a very long time ago because I was a contrary, ornery bitch and if people liked something, I did NOT. It’s really hard to shake those opinions.
Also, working in retail and having the Top 40 songs play on a loop for 8 and a half straight hours didn’t help.


James was up first.
Did I mention his voice reminds me of Sebastian Bach?
He’s singing some song that is either titled “30 seconds to Mars” or that’s the name of the band. I don’t really care. No really, I don’t care, so don’t bother telling me in a note.

Um, is that a toupee?

Wait, didn’t I just say that I’m not supposed to make fun of people’s appearance?
Aww screw it.
This song is as boring as taking a lactose tolerance test.
(Trust me, it’s a loooong, boooring process.)


Jacob is singing “No air” by Jordan Sparks and that guy that beat up Rhianna and seriously needs to look into Zoloft.
Jacob’s singing both parts.
He’s moving so awkwardly.
In the middle of singing a word he’ll remember that he needs to be dancing and he’ll waggle his hips and then he’s back to concentrating on singing, then he’ll spasm again. Rinse, seizure, repeat, etc.
And he is SO not in tune when he’s concentrating on moving his body. And it’s not attractive.
Then again, I’m not a gay dood.


Lauren is next and I like her appearance!!!
She’s wearing black, YAY!
And her hips are wearing a necklace and it’s long and strandy (it’s a word, now) and it’s elongating her midsection instead of making her look like a troll doll.

I have no fucking clue what the hell she’s singing.
Apparently that was a Carrie Underwood song.
She has a great voice but she’s still so unsure of herself. TOTALLY understandable seeing as she’s 16, but still…


Scotty is going to be leaning into “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry.
Ok, I will NOT take a picture of his flute-mic tonight.
Oh, HAH! He is purposefully trying NOT to do that.
YAY!!
I actually like him more today, but I’m still not taking his picture.

Strike that, I hate him. He fluted the mic again.
This song is BORING.
Speaking of Gone…WHY IS SCOTTY NOT GONE!?!??


Haley
She’s doing a Lady Gaga song that isn’t released but Gag-gag does it at her shows apparently.
It appears to be a slow song.

What the fuck…Haley has hooves

I’m not sure she’s really connecting to the song right now.
But she’s killing it vocally.


James is back up for his 2nd song…
In his practice video he starts singing some slow song and lost it trying to sing this emotional song with Sheryl and then he told her and jacket/hat that he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t sing anymore, he was done for the day, and he walked off.
WOW.
That was ballsy.

So now he’s singing the song on stage and I think if he’s going to cry on live TV he’d better wait until the end. Like, as in, when he’s done.
I don’t know what the name of this song is but I know Mariah Carey sang the shit out of it.
And I can barely hear James at all, until he hit the higher register.
And he’s crying and still singing and yelling and not hitting notes and nowhere near in-tune.
Sorry, he doesn’t get a sympathy vote because SUCKITUP you’re on national TV and I like professional singers to act that way.

Ok, so when I cry I can’t even speak so I surely couldn’t sing so knowing he was crying and singing is pretty impressive.


Jacob is singing “Love Hurts”?
This kinda sucks.
Not the singing, he sings the hell out of everything, but he’s singing too high a register for me.
Prolly if I was there in person I would LOOOOOOOVE it.
But, I’m not.


Lauren is making the entire country do “the wave” in the form of a giant, continuous eye-roll.
She’s going to sing Unchained Melody.
UGH
I really don’t want to hear it AGAIN. This song is SO overplayed.

Oh, hey! She looks like a Barbie!

I mean like, Farrah Fawcett
She’s doing a fine job on this song.
Oh that was EXCELLENT!
She really just pushed herself and really endeared herself to me and prolly at least a billion other people, since my heart is made out of a big hunk of lead wrapped in iron.
And then I think she was supposed to hit up some big/high notes again but her voice broke; but she was just great.
Yes. I said it.


Off topic, WHY ARE THE CAMERAS ALWAYS AT CROTCH LEVEL!?!???!??!!??


Scotty is singing Elvis Presley

BORING.


Haley’s last song is “The House of the Rising Sun” by the Animals.
She’s singing the beginning a capella.
I love her voice, but I’m not quite sure I want to hear this song.
Ok, actually, I quite liked it. She got a standing O from the judges.
Even my husband liked it and he’s kinda picky about bluesy songs.
She really does have an amazing voice.

And, she’s no Pia, but she’s nice to look at


Well, if Haley gets voted off it won’t be because I wasn’t voting for her.


I’m guessing Jacob is leaving.


HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS!!
I WAS RIGHT!
Jacob got voted off!


It’s not Scotty, but at least it’s not Haley!


Let’s remember what is important here: I was right.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »