Are We There Yet?
Posted by The Bludge on May 9, 2011
So, I barely watched last week’s results show, but the only part that mattered was that Casey was kicked off.
Well, that’s fine with me.
Can we get Pia back, though? We can kick Scotty off right now and then there’d be a spot open! At least for another week.
Jacket/Hat and icky dick-sucker-face Sheryl Crow are the mentors this week.
Ok, so I’m not supposed to be so critical of appearances anymore cuz it’s small-minded and hateful and stuff but I formed that opinion a very long time ago because I was a contrary, ornery bitch and if people liked something, I did NOT. It’s really hard to shake those opinions.
Also, working in retail and having the Top 40 songs play on a loop for 8 and a half straight hours didn’t help.
James was up first.
Did I mention his voice reminds me of Sebastian Bach?
He’s singing some song that is either titled “30 seconds to Mars” or that’s the name of the band. I don’t really care. No really, I don’t care, so don’t bother telling me in a note.
Wait, didn’t I just say that I’m not supposed to make fun of people’s appearance?
Aww screw it.
This song is as boring as taking a lactose tolerance test.
(Trust me, it’s a loooong, boooring process.)
Jacob is singing “No air” by Jordan Sparks and that guy that beat up Rhianna and seriously needs to look into Zoloft.
Jacob’s singing both parts.
He’s moving so awkwardly.
In the middle of singing a word he’ll remember that he needs to be dancing and he’ll waggle his hips and then he’s back to concentrating on singing, then he’ll spasm again. Rinse, seizure, repeat, etc.
And he is SO not in tune when he’s concentrating on moving his body. And it’s not attractive.
Then again, I’m not a gay dood.
Lauren is next and I like her appearance!!!
She’s wearing black, YAY!
And her hips are wearing a necklace and it’s long and strandy (it’s a word, now) and it’s elongating her midsection instead of making her look like a troll doll.
I have no fucking clue what the hell she’s singing.
Apparently that was a Carrie Underwood song.
She has a great voice but she’s still so unsure of herself. TOTALLY understandable seeing as she’s 16, but still…
Scotty is going to be leaning into “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry.
Ok, I will NOT take a picture of his flute-mic tonight.
Oh, HAH! He is purposefully trying NOT to do that.
I actually like him more today, but I’m still not taking his picture.
Strike that, I hate him. He fluted the mic again.
This song is BORING.
Speaking of Gone…WHY IS SCOTTY NOT GONE!?!??
She’s doing a Lady Gaga song that isn’t released but Gag-gag does it at her shows apparently.
It appears to be a slow song.
I’m not sure she’s really connecting to the song right now.
But she’s killing it vocally.
James is back up for his 2nd song…
In his practice video he starts singing some slow song and lost it trying to sing this emotional song with Sheryl and then he told her and jacket/hat that he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t sing anymore, he was done for the day, and he walked off.
That was ballsy.
So now he’s singing the song on stage and I think if he’s going to cry on live TV he’d better wait until the end. Like, as in, when he’s done.
I don’t know what the name of this song is but I know Mariah Carey sang the shit out of it.
And I can barely hear James at all, until he hit the higher register.
And he’s crying and still singing and yelling and not hitting notes and nowhere near in-tune.
Sorry, he doesn’t get a sympathy vote because SUCKITUP you’re on national TV and I like professional singers to act that way.
Ok, so when I cry I can’t even speak so I surely couldn’t sing so knowing he was crying and singing is pretty impressive.
Jacob is singing “Love Hurts”?
This kinda sucks.
Not the singing, he sings the hell out of everything, but he’s singing too high a register for me.
Prolly if I was there in person I would LOOOOOOOVE it.
But, I’m not.
Lauren is making the entire country do “the wave” in the form of a giant, continuous eye-roll.
She’s going to sing Unchained Melody.
I really don’t want to hear it AGAIN. This song is SO overplayed.
I mean like, Farrah Fawcett
She’s doing a fine job on this song.
Oh that was EXCELLENT!
She really just pushed herself and really endeared herself to me and prolly at least a billion other people, since my heart is made out of a big hunk of lead wrapped in iron.
And then I think she was supposed to hit up some big/high notes again but her voice broke; but she was just great.
Yes. I said it.
Scotty is singing Elvis Presley
Haley’s last song is “The House of the Rising Sun” by the Animals.
She’s singing the beginning a capella.
I love her voice, but I’m not quite sure I want to hear this song.
Ok, actually, I quite liked it. She got a standing O from the judges.
Even my husband liked it and he’s kinda picky about bluesy songs.
She really does have an amazing voice.
Well, if Haley gets voted off it won’t be because I wasn’t voting for her.
I’m guessing Jacob is leaving.
HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS!!
I WAS RIGHT!
Jacob got voted off!
It’s not Scotty, but at least it’s not Haley!
Let’s remember what is important here: I was right.