The Bludge's Blog

Seeking acceptance from the intarwebs

Girls on Top…wait…that’s not right…

Posted by The Bludge on March 6, 2011

Top 12 Girls, there we go.

Ok, so today I’m watching the show and then during commercials (and when Ryan is talking) I’m working on a post from last week.
I’m SURE I’ll be able to concentrate JUST FINE.

Also, I only had the 4 cups of coffee…


Damn.
JLo is pretty


First up is Tatynisa
Wait, it’s spelled Ta-Tynisa?
Shouldn’t it be spelled TATA-Nisa?

Heh, sorry.
She’s singing a club song.
Huh?
I think it’s Rhianna and she’s a bit flat here and there but it was not bad, and I really don’t want to hear ballads from the girls anyway.
So she was ok, Steven and Jennifer loved it of course, but Randy wasn’t a fan.
Of course Jennifer had to talk over him when he was saying that he didn’t like it.
I don’t recall him talking over her when SHE was talking.
Biotch.

Ryan just made a fat joke about Randy I think.
Wow.


So, yeah, I’m pretty sure that Randy is the only judge that still has a brain.


#2 Naima is singing “Summertime”
She has some cool clothes.
She’s singing a jazzy version and it’s pretty great and had a great ending.
She nailed it.
Wait, shouldn’t that be, she hammered it? Cuz, the nail is the…oh, never mind.
She mostly got good reviews from the judges, though Randy did say “lounge singer”.

I only got a picture of her backside.

No, it’s ok, really:

#3 Kendra

OH NO
She’s singing MY FAVORITE CHRISTINA AGUILERA SONG!!!!!!!!!
“Impossible”
So far it’s good, actually.
I’m shocked.
It’s getting a little too quiet and plain…no wait, she just hit a screechy note.
Not that it was out of tune, I don’t know, I couldn’t tell but her higher register is SCREECHY
Randy liked her vibrato and overall liked it even with some sharp notes.
Wow, he was nice! lol


#4 Rachel Z
She’s singing Fiona Apple’s “Criminal” and she’s singing it jazzy.
She’s really been practicing her performance part, she’s throwing off a shawl all sexy-like and throwing down the mic stand.
This jazz version is AWFUL.
It’s not a cool twist on a popular song, it is seriously bizarro.

She does look great though

Steven called it Broadway, which is funny cuz 1) I said that in my last post and 2) she said that’s probably the only thing she’s never sung….hmmm
JLo pulled the “What kind of ARTIST are you?”
Randy brought it back to reality by saying it was a trainwreck. Alright, he didn’t use that word, but he might as well have.
It was kind of like Sebastian Back singing “All That Jazz” I guess he could hit the right notes, but it probably would make as much sense as wearing snow boots to the beach.
Someone tell that girl, STAND UP STRAIGHT
Shoulders back!


#5 Karen Rodriguez

Singing Mariah Carey’s “Hero”
Wait, now she’s singing it in spanish.
No wait, she’s singing it in English.
She can hit the notes, but like Randy says you can’t exactly out-sing Mariah Carey. If you sing someone’s song you want to either do it better or differently but just as good.
I think someone might say “karaoke”
Her notes were good.
The song was good.
And she said “I love you Mom” at the end and TOTALLY is choking me all up.
I’m pretty sure JLo is trying not to cry, too.
Hey! The judges all liked it! No criticism! Wow!


#6 Not-Blond-Lauren!

She REALLY looks like a friend of mine.
She looks fabulous.
What IS this song?
I love her voice
I LOVE HER.
She’s my favorite.
I still don’t know what the song was but it don’t matter.
That’s right, I said it don’t.
Randy liked it, of course the others are going to like it, too. Oh, Jennifer actually had criticism! Nothing bad, she just wants to see more movement and her physically getting into the performance.
Makes sense.
Lauren makes my heart melt when she says “I’m sarcastic, America, just so you know”
YES! I KNEW I loved her.

Did Ryan just make a dick-sucking joke?

#7 Ashthohnhhhh
Whoops! She must’ve been rushing cuz she forgot her shirt!
No idea what this song is.
I DO know (even though I am about as stylish as _________) that those shoes are too clunky/big to be worn with giant-crotch pants.

She’s making too much love to the camera
I like parts of it, she does have a voice but this song isn’t perfect for her, it’s just ok.


#8 Julie Zorrilla
Fuck, this girl is beautiful.

She isn’t doing anything right with her voice though.
I really hope she has a good reason for this, like being sick or something.
She just doesn’t have oomph to her voice.
Holy crap, all of the judges actually agreed with me that this wasn’t great!


#9 Haley
She’s singing Alicia Keys “Falling”
She does have the pipes for this song.
She isn’t working the stage/crowd as well as some of the other girls, but the other girls can’t sing like her.
She looks pretty smokin’ too

I think she did well.
Randy used the “karaoke” word
😦


#10 Thia Megia

This is the girl that just sings. She doesn’t have any true emotion. She’s friggin 15, of course she doesn’t!
She’s starting out a capella. I think some of her vibrato is just nerves and shaky voice.
Ew, she’s a bit sharp.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m asleep.
Meh.
She is very pretty, and prolly she will win next year.
Uhhm, Steven and Jennifer are telling her that it was beautiful.
Wait, Randy did too?
Did my TV eff up the sound?
And my coffee must have warn off.


#11 16 year old Lauren Alaina (The blond one)

I can’t hear her singing.
Lauren, please don’t do this again:

This girl definitely has a big…voice.
I said voice!
Pretty good, I like that she isn’t singing a ballad.
She’s rocking out “Turn on the Radio” which might be a country song.
I agree with both Jennifer and Randy when they tell her how she sings effortlessly, and she has more talent than even she knows about. The control over each note seems so easy for her.
Randy says she’s like a merger of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. That is truly a compliment and I do agree, she can do the big voice thing.
Also, Lauren lets us in on a little secret…she calls Ryan “Peaches”.
LOLz


#12 Pia Toscana
Fuck, this girl is beautiful!

Oh! I recognized the song as soon as the third note played, “I’ll Stand By You.”
Her voice sounds EXCELLENT!
And FUCK. She is beautiful

She may now be my favorite!
OH! The judges are giving her a standing O!!
Oh! That makes me want to cry.
Randy actually said that this stood out as one of the greatest performances in all of the seasons.
Wow.
I don’t argue with that.

So, the next show is elimination!
We will narrow down the contestants to 6 girls and 6 guys.

Stay tunes, bitches.

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Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Oh, boy.

Posted by The Bludge on March 4, 2011

I’m watching this show 2 days late, so, I didn’t vote.
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have altered history if I had voted.


So here we are, Top 12 Boys!!


Ryan Seacrest is finally in a suit!


JLo is pretty smokin, but when they pull her hair up at that angle it makes her ears look pointed.



#1 Clint Junebugger
Please tell me he will not be wearing those gla…

nope, he’s wearing them.
And he’s singing “Superstitious.”
One of my few favorite songs.
Of.
All.
Times.
(Yes, times.)

The band played over him a bit, but whatever. I was ok with that.
Most of it wasn’t terrible.
I HATE HIS GLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!
The judges all loved his singing.

Meh.

Is he attractive behind those things?

#2 Jovany
I’m surprised he went with a slow song for his first performance, I would think that it would be harder to sing slowly on stage for America, live, for the first time – I would think it requires more control and calm.
The band w/ background singers drowned him out in places but I don’t hate his face like Juneblahg.
He sang “I’ll Be the Greatest Fan of Your Life” (is that even the title? who cares.)

Ruh roh, Randy barked the word “Karaoke”


#3 Jordan, AKA Mr. StuckUp

He’s singing um, Usher?
Ew, and he’s taking off his jacket like he is sexy.
HAHA

He’s singing a dance song.
Interesting choice.
I think he’s having a hard time not dancing like a drag queen.
This is PAINFUL
He is not……attractive.
I mean, he’s a good looking guy, but what the hell.

YAY, Steven said it wasn’t his favorite, and JLo asked if that was “really who you are?” and he said no.
Randy didn’t comment, they just replayed his comment from Jovany about karaoke


THIS SHOW IS A GIANT COKE AD


Also, I can’t believe we’re already at the voting part!!


#4 Tim Halperin (seen in the above Coke ad) is pandering to softies by saying that he feels like the other contestants are his BROTHERS.
Did one of them give him a swirlie?
His hair…it needs work.
He’s singing that one song by that one guy that has been overplayed on the radio.
It doesn’t matter which one because they are ALL BORING.

He is sharp.
Not like, sharply dressed but like, singing sharp cuz he’s trying a little too hard.
I almost never do this, but I just fast forwarded til he was done.

That is very important you guys.
Normally I would want to make sure I watched it all so that I could report any shenanigans to my faithful readers (You two know who you are!) but I really did not care enough to watch him, just talking about him is making me zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

She said it!
JLo said “It doesn’t really show America who you are as an artist”


#5 Simply Red AKA Brett

He is SO…GRANOLA!!

He’s singing The Doors
“Light My Fire”

Oh, it’s just so delicate.

I just can’t take him seriously.

This is just comical.

Oh, but hey! He doesn’t have sunglasses on his head!

He keeps shaking his hair around like a dog getting out of a bath.
It looks like something might be stuck in there.

Someone check him for lice.

WHAT? Steven Tyler just said “You brought it home, you were on fire”
WTF
What the fuck you guys?
What the fuck?
I mean, what the fuck?
I’m just
I just
What…
I
Someon
He jus
I’m
you can’t
That wasn’t
I don’t
*sigh*
…the fuck?


#6 Adam Lambert James Durbin is rockin’ out right out of the gate
I don’t hate him right now!
I think the band is drowning him out a little when he isn’t yelling, but he’s actually giving good performance.
You guys, he’s singing “You Got Another Thing Coming” by Judas Priest!!
Excellent!
I think JLo might be enjoying this (she’s about to jump out of her seat)
I didn’t know that I was going to like that
Maybe it’s because he does not have a fucking Karate Kid bandana on, today.

Randy just told him that he was nice and tasty.
Ummm, did someone forget to feed Randy?


#7 Robbie Rosen
[ comments removed due to them being snarky about his religion/face/penis ]
So, Robbie’s singing Sarah McLaughlin and it is
NOT
good.
He’s hitting some falsettos and I think the notes are in tune but it is NOT pretty.

I just had to shock my husband with the defibrillator because he was so bored he actually died for 3 straight minutes.

Steven thought it was beautiful!?!??!
Someone call his manager, I think he’s back on the Lunesta

JLo loved it too
Randy brought us all back to reality THANK GOD telling him the falsettos were crap (my words) and he was pitchy (Randy’s words)


#8 Scotty McPLZGoHome
Scotty sang John Michael Montgomery’s “Letters From Home”

What is with his face?

And who chopped off his right leg?

Why is he leaning like that?

No really, he never stopped, either

I hate his face

He’s making me angry.

Why am I so bitchy tonight?



But really, how can you NOT hate this…


#9 Stefano sang…Bruno Mars?
The song was the one that has “You’re Amazing Just the Way You Are”.
His voice is not quite big/strong enough to pull off this song
He can hit the notes but it sounds strained, like perhaps he’s been practicing too much lately
Steven said “I can always tell when you’re on the money cuz that vein in your forehead pops out”
Wow. There’s some good constructive criticism.
:-/
Stefano is cute
I am surprised that Randy didn’t use the dreaded “karaoke” word.


#10 Paul McDonald
Dude is so…..weird, bizarre, gay, boneless, floppy? It’s just odd the way he is moving on stage

“Maggie” is a good song for him to sing. My friend called him “Bob Stewart” (Bob Dylan + Rod Stewart)
Jennifer made a good point, he is nice to watch because he is smiling and enjoying himself.
(He only made that face above for a hot second)


#11 Jacob Lusk
I think we’re all looking forward to this performance.
He actually had his eyes open the whole time!
And he’s all winky-winky and shit. And following the camera. How did this guy learn this stuff in less than a week?
This song is monumentally boring (sorry Luther Vandross), but he is so cute/fun to watch and we all know he is just going to hit every note there is, so we are all riveted.
Steven and JLo both almost freakin cried
He is just…good!


#12 Casey Abrams
sang “I Put a Spell on You”
Ok, he is trying to sing this song all sexy-like but instead he is singing this song looking like a total creeper, not a sexy Mr. Sexman.
He got his screaming and growling out.
Creepily
I wished he wasn’t making so many creeper faces, cuz he is fun, and he can sing, but no one else could POSSIBLY have thought that was sexy.
Just…
Creepy.

Wait, JLo said he’s sexy
Um, really?
No.
Really?
No.
But, really?
Am I the only one in the no boat?

Oh wait, she’s married to Skeletor.

Clearly this woman is a SPECTACULAR judge of the sexy.

ANYbarf, the first night of vote-able performances was surprisingly good, there wasn’t a LOT of awkwardness.

What magic will tomorrow’s Top 12 Female show bring?

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

American T & A

Posted by The Bludge on March 4, 2011

So there’s still people left to kick off the show, so here we are…

They start out this show by being all up in JLo’s face about the last guy they kicked off on the last part of the show, she’s sad because she didn’t want to kick him off because he had a sob story.

Was this just an act for her?
Did she know that viewers would feel that way so they needed her to play it up?
Naw, I doubt it, I think part of her is still human.
Maybe from the neck up…hmmmm, no…well, maybe behind the skull-parts?


So Karen Rodriguez…

is DUH going through.
DUH.
She’s a seasoned performer with a great voice and she dresses cute.
WAIT
Oh honey, no.
They’re showing a clip of one of her performances and she’s wearing this:


A tube top around her stomach and GIANTCROTCH! PANTS
I take back what I said about her wardrobe

Her last performance she’s singing a Selena song.
WAY TO PANDER TO THE JUDGE
Her dress is pretty, though.
So, yeah, of course she made it.
She almost made Fox have to pay an FCC fine:


Robbie Rosen is next.

There are certain things that I want to comment on but I’m REALLY trying hard not to make fun of people for the way they look. They can’t help it.
It’s like a potato. A potato just can’t help being a potato, and sometimes having lots of eyes. Well, maybe if they asked for help removing the creepy eyes they would have more friends.
I’m hungry.
Potato.

Anyway, the song that Robbie sung for the judges was uhhhhh
boring.
Yeah, of course he made it through, though.

Totally unrelated, I HATE how each year the judges say “Better talent than we’ve ever had before”
That’s kinda rude.
So that means that these people


were better than Kelly Clarkson?
Kelly, who has had 13 Top 100 Billboard hits.

Tatynisa Wilson was the one that made up the words to “I Hope you Dance”
Her final performance was “UnBreak my Heart” which they didn’t show enough of to see if it was decent.
Her, uhh, *cough*…clothes are cute

but, can she back it up?
Not that ass, can she back up her singing?
That doesn’t make sense.
How about that Ovechkin, eh!?!
So, back to Tatynisa, she made it through!


So then they showed fast clips of 2 apparently unimportant people that got cut.

Tim Halperin is pretty boring, so I didn’t bother taking a picture of him.
He’s the one that dueted on piano w/ one of those hot girls.
He sang an original song for his final song and played the piano, dunno if it was any good, they barely showed him singing cuz it’s not like this is a show ABOUT SINGING or anything
He made it through for some reason.


Up next, Julie Zorrilla, the girl who escaped the gorillas.

Zarrilla.
Gorilla
Zorrilla
Garilla.

Anyway
She likes to wear poofy-skirted dresses

And then this happened…

She played piano and sang some song I don’t know for her final song
I’m pretty sure she’ll make it in
Yep, she did. Hopefully she’ll put more emotion into her singing or
wait
THIS just happened…

…the hell?


Next up are the country boys.

Can we just say no to BOTH of them?
I’m not a fan.
Maybe it’s just because NOONE is as good as Alan Jackson.

Scotty played guitar and sang…?? for his final song.
It’s prolly a gospel or that guy who always wore black. There was a movie about him…NO, not Roy Orbison!
The judges really liked it but they also have to take into account that instead of singing the actual words to “I Hope you Dance” he talked about testicles…or something.
They put him into the top 24! John Wayne got sent home, though.
(John Wayne is more attractive)
*sadface*


Sidenote, I noticed that some people walk back into the room of contestants and get lots of hugs from their competition, but some others have no one there…….
Can I get a C-word?!!?


Jovany’s last song was possibly in Spanish? I don’t know what was happening, my face was ear-deep in brownie.

He made it to the Top 24!


This girl…

They haven’t played a lot of her footage, prolly cuz they know she’s gonna go far
She’s got a great big voice and she did make it through!
She doesn’t have to clean toilets anymore!!
Some guy fake-passed-out for some reason…?


2 more people that I don’t know got cut.

Rachel Z
Her outfit today is…odd

They played a lot of her final performance, it was very weird. Not bad, but she was all soft and quiet and then LOUD and growly and super high notes and, HUH?
When she got in front of the judges she said she wanted to perform the way the judges wanted her to and then she got a lecture about doing what she likes and singing something that means something to her and not what “some guy in the third row wants to hear”
After making her think she was gonna go home she made it through.


Kendra sang the same song for her final performance that she sang at her first audition. Prolly if she sang it without looking like she just walked into a brick wall it was 100% better than the first time lol
She just looks like someone keeps sneaking up behind her every time she’s about to get on camera and stabbing her with a turkey baster full of Demoral

Someone needs to tell her they switched her hemoglobin with METH CRYSTALS!
I guess they took pity on her cuz she made it through.


Up now is self-absorbed Jordan Dorsey
This guy prolly polishes the bottoms of his shoes.
He strikes me as totally anal-retentive and OCD
Not that I’m being judgemental.
Oh wait, that’s the reason this blog exists.
Well, anyway, he made it through.
There was a guy last season who basically implied that God said he was going to win American Idol and he promptly got voted off of the show.
I think Jordan might be that guy this season.


Oh dear Barbie.
Lauren Alaina is dressed like Barbie Cowgirl

Her last song was “I Need Your Love” and of course it was pretty
I think they should let her through but just assign her a stylist.
They scared her at first but she made it through of course


Stefano is next, I hope they show his scars again, OH GOOD!

He sang an original for his last song and played piano. I’m pretty sure it was called “Come On” because those were the only 2 words in it during the HOUR that they played of him singing it


He made it to the Top 24!


Sidenote – what’s w/ JLo’s hair?

And who TP’d JLo?


Still an hour to go and up on the chopping block: Simply Red, Dollar Store Adam Lambert, Golddigger, Jacob, Mr. Jazz, and hot-ass Pia Psghetti (or whatever)


Jackie Wilson (who is dating someone’s grandpa) (AKA Golddigger)

She bombed on her final song, forgetting the words to Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You”
JLO’s first word was “unfortunately” which doesn’t bode well
Then she says she “started really song out of the blocks”
Wha?
When Jackie gets the obvious “No” she asks “Why?” I don’t think anyone has done that. The answer was inconsistency.
And then this happened

EW!!
You’re lucky that I didn’t post the actual kiss.
Pass the brain bleach, please.


Jacob Lusk, AKA The Man of 1,000,000 Faces, is next.

Come on, there’s no way he can’t make it through, even though he is totally not present for any of his performances.
His final performance was not great actually. I thought it was pretty pitchy and, per usually, he had his eyes closed the entire time.
I hope the judges talk to him about his performance
NOPE
They pretty much immediately let him through.
He was slightly excited.

Pia Toscano
She is perty.
And those HIPS

Her solo was beautiful, whatever the hell it was.
How could she not get through.
She’s SO. HOT.
So hot that I totally forgot to take another picture of her…
YAY! She made it.
I love hot chix.
That leaves ONE girl spot left…


James Durbin (speaking of girls)…
For his last song he channeled Adam Lambert
NONFUCKINGSTOP
I THINK he sang “Change Gone Come” but ‘sang’ is like, a severe understatement


Casey Abrams played his bass and sang “Do Right” for his last song.
I didn’t like it, but I like him a lot; his singing, style, personality, etc etc

Just so you know, 15 year old JACEE, Simply Red, and Guy Whose Name Is Prolly Chris are the only 3 boys left in the waiting room and there are TWO spots.

Between Casey and them….hmmm…one of which is JACEE.
OF COURSE CASEY MADE IT THROUGH
and totally jumped out of his chair, knocking it off the mini-stage
Heh


15 year old Thia Megia and some girl I don’t recall ever seeing before go see the judges together

Thia sang Josh Groban’s snoozefest and of course sang it perfectly.
But she just sang it with her usual smile on her face with no personality whatsoever.
She’s 15.
Other girl auditioned SEVEN times for Idol.
Seven.
Today is some girl’s 25th birthday.
Other girl made it to this point last year, and…….is being kicked off again.
Ouch.
She shouldn’t feel too bad, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed.
I’d kick Thia out of bed. Cuz that shit is illegal, she’s 15!
Birthday girl gave the judges a 2-fingered salute.

I’m SURE they will ask her back for next year!!


OH JESUS, WHO IS THAT OLD PERSON ON THE SCREEN

So now there’s three boys left:

Brett thought there were 2 spots left and they didn’t waste too much of our time before telling Brett he was the one that made it through.


SO, the top 12 boys are:
Brett
Jovany
Jacob Lusk
Norman?
Clint
Robbie Rosen
Stefano
Jordan Dorksey
Tim Halpern
James Durbin
Casey Abrams
Scotty McCrappy

Top 12 Girls
Naima
Julie Z
Karen Rodri
Lauren Turner
Kendra Chant
Ashthon Jones
Rachel Z
Hailey R
Thia
Laren Alaina
Pia
Tatynisa Wilson

I’m THREE episodes behind as the 12 boys sang first, then the next day the girls sang, and then the next day God rested. No, wait…on the third day, he made spaghetti?
Pizza!?
Ahh hell, well the premier for JLo’s most recent video was the third show. I mean, the results show, I’m sure they just happened to have time to show her new video.
*eyeroll*

Check back here soon, bitches!!!!

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The Idol Element

Posted by The Bludge on March 3, 2011

This episode aired on 02-23 – yes, I’m a little behind.
Well, actually, I have a big behind, but that’s neither here nor there.
Actually, it’s kind of both, like I said, it’s big.


ANYhooker…about Idol…


Apparently they’re in Vegas, and everyone must sing Beatles songs


BEATLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOHOO!!

I’m definitely a Beatles person and not really a Rolling Stones person.


There are 61 contestants left now and they will soon be massacred down to 24! I sure wish they would ask my opinion because I could definitely do it in less than TWO FUCKING HOURS.


So the contestants got to pick either one or two people to sing with and then they picked a BEATLES! song out of a hat and they had 24 hours to practice it.
Assuming they got at least 4 hours of sleep, they actually had 20 hours to practice.
TOTALLY adequate.


Thia and Jersey (I don’t know her name-just that she’s from Jersey) were not ready and Thia was giving us some SERIOUS teenager-face



They all got to have vocal coaches, there were 4 different ones and apparently one of them is “THE VOCAL COACH FROM HELL” (Ryan’s words)
Of course they had to play lots of footage of her being a total bitch to the little girls.
Why are we concentrating on a total crotchface?!?
Why is this worth watching?
Oh, that’s right! Cuz we feel better that we are 1) not her, and 2) not the girls.


OMG some of these kids have never even HEARD a Beatles song.

WHAT.
THE.
DEUCE!?!?

Now that is just bad parenting.


Before performing for the judges, the groups performed in front of a shit ton of producers who of course they showed only being super critical.
Wait, they can pick a different song?? I don’t get it. One of the groups was told by the producer-types they should pick a different song…what exactly was the point of the picking-songs-from-a-hat?


Stefano & James Durbin were the first duo up, singing “Get Back”

Why is James wearing a karate kid bandana?

That song was ok for Stefano but I didn’t like it with James’ voice.
Anyone else think of Fez when they look at Stefano?
Not like, the character Fez from That 70’s Show, but the actor, Willlll…mer V… whatever, I don’t want to look up how to spell it, that’s why I called him FEZ!
ANYway, you little bitches, what I mean by that is he’s a totally likeable little guy – unassuming and goofy, but he can also be pretty good looking.


Next up are high school pals Pia and Karen

Why is Karen’s hair so big?
And unkempt?

The girls sang “Can’t Buy Me Love”.
Karen was overdoing her show part of the performance (over-acting) but whatevs, she gives good song.
In fact, both of the girls sang well and are very pretty.


Oh boy, Jacob Lusk!
He’s in a group with Naima and Haley

Haley sang first, the register was pretty low but I think she pulled it off. I listened to her last performance that I thought was really good, with a big voice and all that and honestly, she was pitchy the whole time.
Fuck.
Naima’s first note was off key and they really didn’t show much of her.
Jacob, again with the eyes closed and the un-present stage presence, he sang well. DUH

Apparently they all went to the school of “I’m singing passionately, ergo I must crouch”

What the hell song are they singing?
Their almost-last note was SHARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrppp
JLo said “Very very nice” in an almost condescending way, like she was surprised they didn’t suck lolz
HELLO!? They had JACOB! lol


Rachel Z was the only one in her group that they showed, they sang “Eleanore Rigby”
Her voice was a bit singy-singy (like, too broadway) but still good


Not-Blond-Lauren sang “Let It Be” with Jovany, well, theoretically. They really only showed Lauren singing.
She pretty much kicks ass, though I neglected to take her picture.


Tim Halperin and Julia Zorrilla diddled each other.
Wait, that’s not what I meant to type….they played keyboards together.
There we go.

They really sang well together. it wasn’t great singing, nothing earth sharttering (typo and it stays) but it was nice.


Lakeisha, Tatyneshia, and Jerome sang “When I Saw Her Standing There”

I like Miss Lakeisha’s voice best, Tatywhatever was a bit highpitched and nasally and apparently Jerome exists(?)
They kicked the harmonies ASSES though, did a great job.


Kendra and Paul weirdly sang “Blackbird”?

Kendra frequently looked either like she forgot she was on stage periodically or she forgot to poop earlier and was thinking about pooping later.

She didn’t seem to know what to do while he was singing

There needs to be a voice-over thingy that says what she’s thinking. Like, here, I believe she’s thinking “What is with all the beards this season?”

Oh god, wait, she must’ve just got kicked in the crotch, cuz she just squeaked.
Screeched?
The judges loved his voice – they gave her compliments, too but his voice is kinda…unique.


Oh, UGH, Ashley the drama queen is taking advantage of being in Vegas and is GETTING MARRIED.
They’re getting married where Britney Spears got married.
You know, for luck, I guess.
You know, cuz also they’re trash.

The CAMERA GUY is their witness.
LOLz
She’s wearing pleather pants. (FYI, even MS Word doesn’t think that pleather is a word.)
Dear Lawd, please let him be shooting blanks.


Thia and whoever are up now, and they had to bring up the coach from hell again…
Oh, Melinda is the non-Asian’s name.

What?

They’re singing “Here Comes the Sun”
NO. Thia should be kicked off RIGHT NOW.
Thia’s wearing shortalls.
Hell NO I didn’t get a picture of that, why would you want to see it?

Melinda looked surprised to find that she was singing
Melinda should prolly come back next year, she’s just SO YOUNG, she needs more maturity and experience.


Next up is Ash(OMG)ley and Sophia.

Oh UGH, why is Ryan talking to Ashley?
She’s a DOUCHE.
They sang “We Can work It Out”
Their performance was weird. Not awful but…odd.
The judges didn’t dig it either, YAY!


Denise, Scotty, and Blond-Lauren sang(?) “Hello, Goodbye”
Denise looks like she just left jazzercise; why is she wearing spandex shorts and a sequined tank top?
Scotty just sounded weird and Lauren just wasn’t in her element.
They ran around the stage at the end and it was funny/cute but it made them sing funny cuz they were running (in heels-except maybe for maybe Scotty but prolly he was wearing cowboy boots and those have heels)


omg you guys, Casey and Chris’s performance was excellent.

They sang “Feel All Right”? and they harmonized great, but their performance was really great.
Just too cute/funny/awesome.
I seriously don’t understand how Casey is only 19.


Aaron, Robbie, and Jordan already had experience being a group from Hollywood.

They all sounded great and their performance was good too.
I think Robbie sounded better than the other 2.


And that was it for performances.
So, they immediately start telling contestants if they are through or cut.
WEIRD, I thought they were going to show a lot of slow shots of people walking towards the judges and crying and shit.
I think that comes later.

(Spoiler: It does)


So, the first group through is: Jordan, Ashthon, Lauren Alaina, Thia, Robbie, some guy with big hair, and SCOTTY.
WHY!?!?
What did I ever do to the judges??


The first people cut are some hot chic – oh she’s the white house intern, Crazy blond guy, and strung out guy
Then there’s Melinda, Denise (maybe she should’ve worn pants), and Sophia, and ASHLEY!!! WOOOOHOOOO!!

WHOAH, and she didn’t freak the fuck out and sob and cut herself or anything.
Weird, she must be on high on Oxycodone.


Oh, so NOW they are going to walk slowly towards a chair and find out their fate.
But, they haven’t performed any more than they had since the last cut, so I have NO idea what they’re basing this on, since they made it through yesterday….oh wait again, they are doing one more performance. Heh
In a hangar.
*blinks*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*shrugs*
I dunno either.


There are 40 people left and they’re keeping 24 of them. So they’re kicking off less than half.
If my daughter was awake I’d make her figure out the percentage, but I don’t do the maths.


Naima sang Corinne Bailey Ray’s “Put your records on” for her last performance for the judges.
I’m glad they did a solo performance cuz the group thing is kinda weird.

So, tell me Naima doesn’t look like the blue opera singer in The Fifth Element!


I didn’t hella love her solo performance, but whatevs.
The judges led her on and then told her she is through. That’s cool, she does seem like a cool person.


Hmmm, I wonder if they’re going to pull a rabbit out like they did last year, and prolly the year before) and have two people left in the room and they know only one of them is going through but then they BOTH get through, cuz those judges, they’re CRAZY.
(They can read teleprompters)


Holly sang Alicia Keys “No one”. She has a weird accent, I can’t figure out what it is…and she walks like a linebacker
Or, like, a gymnast
She did not make it through
JLo told her that she was outvoted cuz SHE wanted to keep her, but also she thinks since Holly is only 17, she can come back and win this thing straight up on another season.


Lakeisha

got cut.
😦 boo
I like her voice


Some guy named Alex also got cut.
I don’t remember him and didn’t get his pic



For his final performance, Clint AKA Mr. Terribleglasses, sang Lionel Richie but they only played 2 words of it. (Yay?)
Of course he’s going through, Randy’s frowning and shaking his head, which means that JLo and Steven loved it.


Haley’s turn

NO idea what she sang for her last performance, but it was “WHOAH-y”.
She made it through! Cool, I do want to see her, I think she has a good stage presence and I love that she is young and little and has such a big voice.
Maybe she can be my replacement for Christina Aguilera now that XTina is a cheating whore and also possibly a drunk (of a less-than-Charlie-Sheen calibre).


Deandre is one of the babies at 16.

DAMN, his voice is just pretty.
I actually like his hair.
but he did not make it through
They think others are more consistent
😦
We’ll be seeing him again.
Trust.


Paul McDonald’s up next; the guy with a totally smooth voice that has never gotten a bad word.
Gee, you think he will make it through?

Can we kick him off just for wearing this:

He sang an original song for the judges for his “last” performance.
Duh duh derrrr he made it.


Ahshthohnh sang Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” for her last performance.
Que?
She’s totally consistent and has a great stage presence and voice
She also is adorable and dresses awesome.

YES she made it.


Chris Medina
Um, I’m not sure what he sang for his final song, I think it was Chris Martin (?) and I don’t like that guy much (the Goop husband, not Chris)
I dunno, it wasn’t that exciting.
JLo’s trying not to cry, she’s telling him how she has so much respect for him as a person, as a man.
But, he did not make it into the top 24.

Poor JLo had to be consoled by Randy and Steven because she felt she didn’t tell Chris in the right way. Awww, she IS human!!

And it’s “To Be Continued!”

Damnit. Well, it doesn’t really matter because I’m watching this show a day (week) late, which means that there’s another show playing right now and I can just continue now πŸ™‚

Come along with me…

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Coming Up…

Posted by The Bludge on February 24, 2011


Hello and welcome to Coming Up!
Coming up next on Coming up, we’ll see what’s coming up and talk about what’s coming up and then maybe we’ll show you what we told you is coming up, but no, we’ll just show you what’s coming up!

Seriously you guys, I was so irritated with all the promos before the commercials of what was going to happen on the next promo before the next commercial that I actually timed the parts of the show where they were talking about people singing, and the parts of the show (all both) where contestants were actually singing.


Coming Up…after the blog post…you will not BELIEVE the results…how much time are YOU wasting watching this show if you don’t have DVR?
The results!! Coming Up!!


So, there’s 100 contestants left today.

Today they can sing a capella or with a small band.

Contestant #1 Haley Reinhart

sang “God Bless the Child”.
She had a pretty nice voice, nice growl/soul to it. Her singing seemed just a little off pitch but she has a big strong voice.
She comes across as young, but not weirdly too young to sing with soul or anything.
I think she closes her eyes too much while she’s singing, like she’s singing to herself more than to us.



COMING UP AFTER CONTESTANT ONE…


Contestant #2 Ashthon Jones (pronounced Ashton…WTF is with the H????)

Beautiful hair, awesome cleavage…I mean, dress. Good singing, good use of the stage.
Her singing was strong and on key, it wasn’t as big as Haley’s but still big.
I don’t know what song it was, but she did a good boob job.



COMING UP BEFORE CONTESTANT 4…


Contestant #3 Thia Megia, 15 years old

She sang what a Wonderful World. Had GREAT vibrato.
She sounded really sharp but good; beautiful tone.
Her stage presence is not perfect, she knows she can sing and isn’t cocky about it, but she’s just singing words in the right key, she’s not feeling it or making me feel it.



COMING UP AFTER OVER-ANALYZING A STUPID TV SHOW…


Contestant #4 Frances Coontz

I’m not liking her glasses.
Just so you know.
Also, she was SOoooooo out of key.
Steven Tyler asked the band to show her what key to sing, but they didn’t show any of her singing IN key.



COMING UP AFTER THE JUDGES ROLL AROUND BACKSTAGE IN THEIR MONEY…


Contestant #5 Clint Jun Gamboa

This is the DJ that I don’t really care for as a human (he kicked JC out of there band but whatevs, I prolly wouldn’t have wanted him in my group either seeing as he completely forgot his lyrics and shit) but also, I hate Clint’s glasses.
Anyway, he sang “Georgia on my Mind” in a mostly Adam Lambert way.
His voice is VERY nasally



COMING UP BEFORE CHARLIE SHEEN DOES A ROOM FULL OF HOOKERS AND BLOW…


Contestant #6 Kendra Chantelle

Very pretty (looking), nice deep tone, great voice.
She, and almost everyone else also sang Georgia on my Mind.


Contestant #7: Sophia Shorai also also sang Georgia on my Mind.

She had a little raspyness to her voice which was cool, but she had awkward stage movements.



COMING UP AFTER 7 SHOTS OF GIN…


Contestant #8 Carson Higgins

This crazy dood is singing Bobby Brown “My Prerogative” with the band.
He sang it pretty well actually
The song didn’t showcase his voice very much but it was very fun. He’s a very quirky dood.



COMING UP AFTER THROWING UP 6 SHOTS OF GIN…


Contestant #9 Chris

is singing Bobby Brown “My Prerogative” withOUT the band but played his acoustic guitar.
He sounded pretty boring actually.
And really “they call me nasty”? No, honey, it just doesn’t work with you saying it.
He even sounded like he was bored with it and afterward he knew that it was not great.



COMING UP AFTER A TRIP TO THE E.R. (which they now call the E.D. btw)…


They barely showed the next 3 people singing. Not really enough to even tell if they were any good.

Contestant #10 Julie Z. sang Sara Borellis’s “Lovesong” and played the keyboard.



COMING UP AFTER I MAKE A POT OF COFFEE…


Contestant #11 Caleb Hawley looked more strung out than Gary Busey after snorting John Belushi’s ashes

His voice wasn’t strong – it was kinda thin. He was in key at least, but not too impressive – unless you count being impressed with his ability to stay perpendicular to the ground.



COMING UP AFTER ARMAGEDDON… (the event, not the movie)


Contestant #12 Colton Dixon played keyboard and sang some Coldplay song (or something)

He had a really great voice, nice and full, and even though he was singing a song that was SOOOO overplayed on the radio (and in department stores) I still actually wanted to listen because of his voice…and that is unusual.


Contestant #13 Simply Red AKA Brett Loewenstern
Reminder, he is only 16 years old

Since they didn’t play much of him singing, I have no idea what song he sang, it was kinda slow and pretty boring.
He kinda had a tiny voice?
Is it possible for him to NOT wear sunglasses on the top of his head?



COMING UP AFTER THE RIOTING IN EGYPT…


Contestant #14 Robbie Rosen played keyboard.

They played more of him than the last 4 people for some reason. His end note was strained and shaky/wobbly (Randy would say pitchy).
He pretty much sang the whole song with his eyes closed.
He’s got such big features, teeth, nose, hair…yep, I’m not taking that down the road you think I was going down.


Contestant #15 Casey Abrams, who previously played the melodica, is playing a full bass on the stage today.

Casey sang Georgia on My Mind
First it was just him and the bass, then the band joined in and it was pretty fucking AWESOME.
omg my daughter just pointed out that Mr. Man is only NINETEEN years old!!
I swear it seems like he’s been playing jazz joints for YEARS.
That was even the kind of singing that after it started, he didn’t even have to be on key the entire time. If he hit a bad note it wouldn’t matter because his stage presence is great and you can tell that he is flowing with the music and putting his whole heart and being into the song.
That was really fun. Watch this guy, he’s going places.



COMING UP AFTER YOUR MOM…


Contestant #16 Chelsee Oaks, aka the girl half of the “ex couple”…

is upset that her roommate and “best friend in the entire world” Jacqueline got sick and ended up going to the hospital and leaving the competition.
*blink*
Ummmmmmmmm, didn’t they meet last week?
Chelseee very nasally sang Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You” .
It was piiiiiiiiitchy.
Her voice wasn’t strong enough and she really faltered on her last note.
She knew it wasn’t good.


Contestant #17 Lauren Alaina is singing “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” (sorry, no pic).
Lauren is is 15 years old.
She was TWO YEARS OLD when that song came out.
Fuuuuuck me.
She has such a big voice with great control and big vibrato and she’s very likeable but Simon totally would’ve called her performance “hotel singer” or something.



COMING UP AFTER A DOUBLE RAINBOW…


Contestant #18 Jacob Lusk

Mr. Man sang God Bless the Child
He’s making some funny faces but he made up for it by singing his fucking heart out.
He has such a nice thick voice when its low and he even hit a high Adam Lambert note!!
Amazing range. Amazing.
The judges gave him a standing O.
He was not connecting with the audience but he’s got such a voice that it really didn’t matter. His singing was totally captivating.
It totally made me cry when I replayed it.
Shut up, he totally cried too, so it’s ok lol


Contestant #19 John Wayne Schulz

He sang “Landslide” and played guitar with no backup.
It was ok, not something to write home about



COMING UP AFTER I RUN TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT QUICK…


Contestant #20 Ashley Sullivan

UGH, the drama queen.
Ryan Seacrest actually referred to her as an “Emotional Timebomb”
LOLz
She tried to sing “Everything” by Michael Buble a Capella “for her boyfriend.”
BARF
She stopped and messed up the words and asked to restart and then started “freaking out.”
She REALLY needed the backup music.
And she kept apologizing
GAWD what an asshole she is.
TOTALLY reminds me of myself lol



COMING UP AFTER I UPDATE MY FACEBOOK STATUS…


Contestant #21 Stefano Langone sang “I Can Feel it All Over”

Totally forgettable performance.


By this time I was so irritated with my camera literally taking 10 seconds from the time I clicked the picture to the time it actually popped up on the LCD.
What.
The.
Hellz.
I DID only use manual settings though to take the pictures and didn’t rely on the automatic setting, my teacher would be proud.



COMING UP AFTER I FINISH DOING MY TAXES…


Contestant #22 Jovany Barreto sung a Marc Anthony song (I think) a capella

It was ok. He’s kinda hot so maybe a little more memorable than Stefano, although I think I like Stefano’s personality and presence a bit more.


Contestant #23 JaCee Badeaux sang “Time of my life”

NOT the Dirty Dancing version.
Thank god, I don’t even want to THINK about how young HIS PARENTS were when that movie came out.


The judges liked these last few boys.


But then there was…
Contestant #24 Scotty McSomething, who made up new words to “I Hope you Dance”

Very interesting ones.
Even he said he would kick him off.



COMING UP AFTER YOUR WILL TO LIVE BIDS YOU ADIEU…


Contestant #25 Tatynisa Wilson

Also ATTEMPTED to sing “I Hope you Dance”
She also forgot the words.
And sang really really sharp.
and made Randy make this face


Thankfully, that was the last contestant.
Now they show about 10 minutes of the judges mumbling about which contestants they like/want to DIAF.


COMING UP AFTER 4 FORD COMMERCIALS, 7 COKE SPOTS AND ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…


The contestants are split into 4 groups:

Room 1 Includes people like: JC, drama queen Ashley, Simply Red, Lauren, Robbie, James Duran (Adam Lambert v1.5), and Casey Abrams. SHOCKINGLY (sarcasml) this group goes through to the next round.

Room 2: There’s no one in this room that I remember or that they played on this show except for Chelsee, who sucked. This group got sent home. I was shocked again.

Room 3 also included zero people that I recognized and surprisingly (if you’re in a coma) they did not make it.

Room 4 is going through due to DUH two groups always go through. People in room 4 include crazy blond guy, Jovany, ugly-glasses-guy, and Jacob Lusk so I’m sure that room KNEW they were going.


They kept saying something SHOCKING would be revealed “after the break”
and there was NOTHING.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

The only surprise I could find was that Scotty actually made it through!!


Not even JLo’s outfit was that interesting. I mean, she totally had sequined mom-shorts and a bump-it but it wasn’t the Grammy’s dress or anything.


Are you curious about how much show there actually was, and how much was filler?

COMING UP AFTER THIS…SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT’S COMING UP…


23 minutes of your life that you will never get back were spent watching “COMING UP AFTER THE BREAK…”

and a WHOPPING 12.25 minutes of the singing competition were spent actually listening to people sing.


COMING UP…YOU WILL LEAVE ME A COMMENT!!


Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Group Sex

Posted by The Bludge on February 23, 2011

Unfortunately, there was nothing that exciting during the group round.
I didn’t even take any pictures, that’s how boring it was!


Ok, I know I probably hate it because it’s new, but the theme song is CRAP.
This show has been on for TEN YEARS and has produced at least two stars (Taylor Hicks, who?) and they could get NONE of them to record a fucking theme song!????
The hell!?
Does David Cook have ANYthing better to do!?!?


I was so excited for groups!
It’s always interesting because you get to see who is truly a c*nt.


Sooooo, lots of contestants that made it already formed groups and started practicing and then they find out that the group must be a mixture of Day 1 and Day 2 contestants. “It must be fair” says some British guy who probably makes more money than the Pope.


So, SHOCKING, no one wants to work with Fat Snooki (aka Star Boobs, aka c*nt) but she finds a blond girl who must be suffering from REALLY bad jet lag and they can’t find a required third person so they convince the producers to let them sing as a duo.


Some dumb overly-dramatic broad quits.
HER LOSS.
Oh, wait, UGH, then she decides to stay, after talking to her boyfriend.
CO-DEPENDENT!


Poor chubby little JC got kicked out of his group.
😦 Don’t worry, he found another one.


Ok, I’m SO done watching people argue and cry and bitch about other crying, whining, arguing people.


The first group of 3 girls did pretty good, they harmonized very well together.


Couple more groups did pretty well, of course instead of actually showing all of the people sing, they take up loads of time talking up “what’s coming up after the break” before EVERY commercial, and then creating rivalries by asking leading questions and using heavy editing.
*sigh*
*eyeroll*


Fat Snooki (I know) and her partner sounded like ass.
Tiffany sounded like someone had taken a crowbar and jammed it through the bottom of her chin straight out of her nose.
And maybe that was just a nice visual, too.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now some girl is snorting spaghetti noodles through her nose.
Thanks for that, Fox.
I did not know there was now a talent portion of Idol and I would like to formally request that it stop.
Now.


There was a little bit of good singing, but again, it was quick little snippets in between watching Steven Tyler play drums, talking to Ryan, and more shots of people not really practicing at 3 in the morning.


Oh, UGH.
That whiney drama queen made it through.


There’s a group comprised only of 15 year olds whose parents have to be present so they are giving them all kinds of advice and some of the groups (one guy in one group) made one comment so of course there’s a LOT of people who are upset and it is a BIG DEAL.
*sigh*
*eyeroll*


Dollar Store Lambert actually blew this incredibly high note, not blew in a bad way but DAMN he nailed it.


The baby group got a standing ovation from the judges. They were really good, both in harmonizing and doing their solos.


Oh, thank you Idol!! Thank you for showing us people practicing, AGAIN.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT THEY WOULD BE DOING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I did like how honest the judges were in telling them “That was bad” or whatever but they weren’t FUN. They barely messed with the kids at all. And they pretty much said the same thing every time, “That wasn’t good” “Pitchy” “Good job”.
SNORE


They let JC through because he sings like an angel – even when he doesn’t know the words apparently.
I have a feeling that JC was the ONLY person that did not remember his lyrics that made it through.
I have NO idea why they kept him….except for the heartstrings part.


The group that kicked JC out sounded pretty awesome.


Ok, I was looking forward to this episode but it just straight up smells like dairy farts.


I do love watching Steven Tyler put on and take off his reading glasses, though. *giggle*

This episode is like a used bandaid hanging out in a locker room.
Ok, not really, but it is like getting really excited about eating a chocolate cream donut and biting into it and finding out that it’s jelly.

Fucking jelly.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Hollywerd.

Posted by The Bludge on February 23, 2011

Yes, the new Idol theme is definitely more whooshing and lasers.
I don’t like it you guys.
You know what I DO like?
Complaining.
Duh.


So, this was Jennifer’s wardrobe for the first half of the show:

Apparently it’s only slightly hot in Hollywood as JLo’s shoulders are toasty


There are 327 contestants at Hollywood week.

Hmm, assuming plane tickets from Armpit, Iowa to Hollyweird cost (as a low guess) about $300, that’s $98,100 to fly 327 people. And then all the losers have to go home, which means sending 307 twerps back to Banjopick, Missouri costing $92,100 (I just got a calculator app for my Droid, can you tell?)

Oh, HALF of the contestants go home after today!! That’s 165.5 people going home (I feel sorry for THAT guy) which will cost at least $49,050.

I think that’s more than I make a year.
Oh, right! It’s time to pay taxes! That’s right, I make WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY less than $49,050. I’m practically not making any money at all, IRS.
(Do you think they’re buying that?)


Anyfamewhore, the good news about Hollywood week(s) is that there’s no more howling, just-want-to-get-on-TV jackwagons wasting my time…..well, hopefully.

Brett, our favorite little nerdy ginger is up first and nervous as hell.

He sang “Let It Be” and did a pretty good job.

I know I said I’m trying not to pick on people for their appearances, but come on, this is The Bludge, so SUCK IT readers.
I…just…this should not happen:


Rachel Zevita totally looks like my cousin and/or that little curly-haired girl from the Pepsi commercials.

And, DAMN, she can really blow.


Victoria Huggins just does NOT stop smiling.

I LOVE this picture of her, because she looks like Lacey Chabert and that girl has horse-face too.
Ouch, she just got cut.
Probably she’ll be back in a year and will be really good.


One of my favorites, Paris, is singing Celine Dion, which is not cool, man. I mean, Celine Dion is like that nerdy kid that followed you around in school that you wished would just drop off the face of the earth.
Anyway, I especially wished she wasn’t singing this song because she just WRECKED it. Not good.
But, she’s SO pretty…

Wait, WHAT?!? They actually let Paris through to the next round.


You know, I would probably be one of those people that totally forgot the lyrics, of which there were a few.


Jacee, the chubby 15 year old, just has the most beautiful voice, just so clear and subtle

If he had a stage presence he’d be great.
But he doesn’t.
He’s FIFTEEN, let him be 15.


Thank you American Idol and Fox for THIS image:


It’s a new day and a new outfit for JLO, let’s see what she’s wearing today

Looks like she’s been raiding her abuelita’s closet.

What’d you say?
That’s Steven Tyler?
Of Aerosmith?
Are you sure?
I sure hope he didn’t start snorting birth control pills or something.


I like Jennifer Lopez’s…uhhh…

outfit.


That put me in the mood for Jerome Bell who gets props for singing “Let’s get It On,” one of my favorite songs of all time.

He made it through.
DUH, that’s Marvin Gaye!!


So, right before EVERY commercial Ryan tells me “You won’t BELIEVE what happens next.”
But I do.
Because there have been ZERO surprises.


This douchenozzle Tiffany (no picture, because I don’t hate you guys that much), pulled straight from a Jersey Shore dumpster, gets on stage and says:
I’m gonna be honest, I’m tired of seeing people try to do, what I know I can.”
Say it with me…
CUNT!
Then she sings a song sounding (and looking) like a failed drag queen.

AND SHE MADE IT THROUGH.

OK RYAN, I am SHOCKED!!

FINALLY!!


Ay dios mio!
That’s the end of the first day of Hollywood!
168 contestants are left for me to make fun of, YAY!

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

I still have no idea…

Posted by The Bludge on February 11, 2011

For some reason, this show started out with some whiny slut who eventually got around to her point:
“Just because someone farts, let ’em keep singing, you know?”
……………………………………………………………..the FUCK!??

This is the final audition city…San Francisco

Midget Ukraine Barbie here has a lot of music videos on YouTube

omg this is gonna be terrible
Just to demonstrate her foreign talents, Ms. Inessa did some bellydancing and ended with yoga.
Her singing didn’t make me want to sharpen spears and insert them indelicately into my earballs, but she didn’t make it to Hollywood.


Then there were three good people that were good that I didn’t bother to take a picture of.


Stefano Langone here

was in an accident.
He has a nasty scar on his left arm and lots and lots of other places. Jeez he got tore UP. Don’t worry, I didn’t get any pictures of him being all mangled.
I’m very curious as to what caused the accident, and if anyone else was involved.
He sang “Heard it Through the Grapevine” and did a great job.

I do not like this guy, Clint “Junebug” Something-or-other

I didn’t like his singing, his glasses irritated me, he was wearing leather pants and a striped knit sweater.
I’m cranky.


Some jackwagon looking like a monkey came out and got immediately no’d.


These pictures of the judges aren’t even for the monkey, they’re just for some random guy who couldn’t sing:




Then there was a transformer, made from a Power Wheels that actually works.

He actually SANG while folded up as a Transformer. LOL

He didn’t make it.


There were about 3-4 more girls that got in, but they weren’t hot enough to bother photographing.


ALERT!
ALERT!
Hot girl/Sob Story:

Julie and her family are from Columbia. They built their house in the Andes but straight up left suddenly without telling anyone because of the guerrillas.

ANYway, it was her 20th birthday that day and she sang “Summertime,” it was ok I guess, the judges liked her.


Dave Combs had long hair and sang some Beatles song.
Steven called the guy out for not being anywhere near the melody.

Then Steven was straight up telling people they were terrible, it was kind of fun.


Emily Ann(e?) Reed from Arlington, Virginia

She would’ve had a sob story except her voice sounded like a 9 year old reading a poem in third grade.

The sob part of her story was that wherever she had been living, it burned down. They didn’t say why but I think I know…

She sounds like Shirley Temple
Steven said no, Randy said yes and then JLo did too.
Steven asked her to play a song on the guitar and she sang along to whatever the hell it was and apparently Jennifer liked what she heard cuz she said “I was right”.
I have NO idea.

Ending on another sob story is James Durbin, 21 years old.
He cried because:
1) He was diagnosed with Terets and Aspergers.
2) His Dad played bass and was never around and later OD’d on drugs
3) He has a kid son who is less than 2 years old.
4) He has no job
5) He has a girlfriend
6) Air exists
I dunno what he’s singing…but he’s trying to be Adam Lambert
Then he asked to sing Dream On
He was LOUD but I couldn’t decide if I liked him.
They liked his range, thought it was great, actually.
Steve was impressed with his ‘melodic sensibility’. I don’t know what that means.

I leave you all with this message from Steven:

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LAllywood

Posted by The Bludge on February 10, 2011

Today we are watching auditions in LA or Hollywood or some vapid city.

Also, they are showing the good people from the 16,000 submissions via MySpace.
MYSPACE?!?!?
Hold on, I’ve got to dial-in by modem to check my AOL…

Ok you guys, Randy is wearing Gold LamΓ© shoes.

I guess I could have just written “lame”.


Jennifer Lopez is pretty boring-looking today, but still nice:


Our first reject, Victoria, believes that God brought the entire auditions to LA for HER.
Modest.
Nope, no picture. She was one of THOSE people. Those people that know damned well that they would be more useful to society by turning into compost.
She blamed her complete lack of talent on her nerves.
Her nerves must hate her.
And us.


Tim H sang a song with 2 and a half notes. He could hit the notes (all both of them) but there was no meat behind his voice, no strength.
No picture.


Daniel and Isaac are friends.

Daniel (L) sucks really hardcore. Isaac is the cute one but in addition to disappointing his parents on national TV because he dropped out of college (and hadn’t told them yet) he also butchered “Build Me Up Buttercup”.


Karen Rodriguez was a Myspace contestant and she had a great voice, great control.


Tynisha is a joke.
She’s “met some other artistes” and she has 3 albums that are ready to be composed.
She ralphed all over Christina Aguilera’s “Impossibowl” (her pronunciation).
Then she chased Randy off the stage.
No really, he couldn’t take any more and walked off and she chased after him, still singing.
Poor Randy.


Heidi is a belly dancer who can also sing apparently.
They didn’t show much of the singing part.

I think you see why.


Matt was not photographed.
Matt, was ugly.
I know, it’s not really fair, but he was ugly inside and out.
I think he tried to throw out a rhyme, and theoretically sang something.
It was not good.
I did NOT want to take a picture of that.


Then there were a LOT of bad people. BAD.

Brothers, Mark and Aaron were a lot of fun

It’s like Balky squared!
They sang a duet, “Lean On Me”
It was actually quite good and they made it through.


The last guy is Cooper who is probably about 67 years old. Wait, he says he’s 59.
MY BAD.
I’m not sure whether he’s on PCP or meth.
The judges are afraid and shockingly he actually walks off without needing a big burly escort.
I don’t know how I didn’t get a picture of this guy except I guess I was waiting to get a picture of him being shown the door.


So, next up is San Francisco!!
I’m catching up because I had the Black Death and my throat got so raw I had to shellac it with Lidocaine.
No lie, it was very gaggy. At least it didn’t have a taste.
Oh wait, I’m sick, I can’t taste anything.
Ahh well, the Nyquil is kicking in and I fsklahvrnvjdtjfkeldljsdhfgkfggggggggggggggg

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Murcan Idol, y’all!

Posted by The Bludge on February 10, 2011

So there seems to be a lot of laser sounds in the “new” theme song.
Either that or I’ve been downing WAY too much NyQuil.
Truth is, it’s probably the latter.

So here we are in Austin, TX, prepare to be assaulted by cowboy hats.


Let’s check out what J-Lo is wearing today:

She will need every single one of those tissues to get Christina Aguilera’s lipstick-paint off of her face.


Anyhonkey, Corey and his sister didn’t meet until he was 15.
They ride horses.
He’s got a boy-band sound and I’m not impressed.


Hollie is 17 and is singing Etta James. They barely played any of her singing and Randy said no and she started crying and Jennifer asked her to sing again so she had to suck it up sing again. I actually like her voice. Her second song was good even though she sang “The Climb” and even though she had to calm herself down during it. I am SURE she’ll make it through the pressure of Hollywood week.
SURE.
(I’m not sure)


This is honest-to-goodness Cowboy John Wayne Schulz

His parents named him John Wayne cuz his Dad wanted a hardass son
LOL
He sang “Believe” by Brooks and Dunn
Oh! His voice is so deep!! It’s so nice to hear a NOT boy-band.
omg his Mom is gonna make me cry cuz she’s crying


Some dumb broad named Courtney wants to impress Ryan Seacrest. I’m betting she can’t sing.
She’s clearly insane. Her soggy cry-face is NOT attractive
She did an impression of a chicken
She sang”Stay” by Sugarland.
It wasn’t a trainwreck like I thought it was going to be.
She made it through to Hollywood. Dear lord, why??

Whoah.
Someone actually sang Soundgarden.
AND.
MADE.
IT.
THROUGH.


Schmuck and Schmuckette here were really annoying, Fox really played up their little love story.

Girl schmuck was loud but good.
Boy schmuck was decent but sang a song with about 3 notes.
They both made it through, and they very well might have made it through if they auditioned separately.


Janelle here, is very pretty.


And she’s a good singer.



And she’s pretty.


And then there was an armadillo…

Wait,
What?


A freaking armadillo


Casey looks like Seth Rogan and plays a melodica.

He did a pretty good job of singing Ray Charles “I Don’t Need No Doctor”
He did not look like he was going to be able to sing (I’m an asshole) but y’all, he could BLOW!

And that concludes my boring-ass review of American Idull.


Move along little doggy.

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