The Bludge's Blog

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Topple 3

Posted by The Bludge on May 19, 2011

OMG!
TOP 3!!!!
SO EXCITING!!!11oneeleven

Beyonce is the kids’ mentor!
Oh, I used to have such a crush on Beyonce’s inner thighs.
OMG, who just wrote that!!?


The kids are starting with their favorite songs.

Scotty is starting off the lean..errr show by singing something by Lonestar, “Amazed”.
I LOVE Lonestar. Their bacon-wrapped steak is AWESOME.

I am shocked. SHOCKED. That scotty is leaning on a piano

And of COURSE he’s wearing a cross. That’s what southern boys do.
Especially when they want the Christian vote.

This is BORING. His voice is not being heard. I mean, you’d think I’d be ok with that, but the only good part of that song was the high note that he hit. At the end, and I’m not saying that this time to be mean, it’s just that he actually held a note, and it was actually pretty, but the rest of the song was a snoozefest.


Lauren is next with “Wild One” by Faith Hill. This was the first song I heard Faith sing and I just loved it. I’m more of a Martina fan, though.
This is too fast to appreciate her voice. Oh ugh, and she just hit a really ugly note. She’s kind of all over the damn place. The song was WAY too ADHD. It was a virtual toddler running between legos and food.
JLo actually said it was good, I can’t wait to hear Randy’s judgement because I think he likely agrees with me. Oh…nope.

Also, what the hell is she wearing?

Her head is ready for a luau, her mid-section just left the set of Star Trek-Vegas, and her feet just got back from a southern beauty pageant where she came in Poor.

And the crotch-level camera….WHY!?!?


Oh, boy! Haley is going to do Led Zeppelin!!!
In the preview video she mentioned wanting her Dad to play on stage with her and there’s a guy playing guitar on stage and if that is her Dad I am going to cry.
This is really cool, the song I mean.
Maybe only us old people will like it.

Oh dear, she just fell running back to the stage but she recovered well.
It helped that the cameras were panned waaaay out.

Hmm, it’s not quite enough singing.

OMG it IS her Dad!!
Awwwwwwwwwwwww *sniff*


Ok, so now the contestants are going to sing songs picked by Jacket/Hat.
Scotty is going to annoy the crap out of people that can stand up straight and also don’t make rap gestures like Vanilla Ice, with “Are You Going to Kiss Me or Not” by Thompson Square (? Dunno, don’t care)
I don’t think I know this song. How is that possible? I thought I knew all songs.

The only good thing about this performance is Scotty’s shirt.

And the fun he had singing it…that part was good.


Before, Lauren sings, I must warn you that my “friend” Steve is about to pay me a visit and (for those of you that don’t know who Steve is, you will get it in a sec) I am ridic emotional right now and everything is making me want to cry.

OH NO, and now…I’ll BRB, gotta go slit my wrists, Lauren was SIX YEARS OLD when she first started watching Idol.
UGH.

Jacket/Hat is having her sing “If I Die Young” by some people named something-Perry.

She looks really cute

It seems to happen about every 5th performance-that she gets the wardrobe right. Unfortunately it’s usually something so unbelievably unflattering she looks like a very pale Jolly Green Giant.

I think she just missed something, but whatevs, it doesn’t matter. The song is ok.

My phone is being a C-word that rhymes with RUNT and my trying to call to vote for Haley is being massively slowed.

Steven Tyler is a waste of chair…at least for this show. He does not have his proper level of medication needed to talk about matchsticks and duck fucking.


Jacket/Hat chose “Rhiannon” for Haley (I remember when my fave, Didi, last year sang it…what ever happened to her?)
OH FUCKING YAY!!! I can’t wait to hear this!!!
She mentioned hoping she remembered the words and I REALLY hope she doesn’t forget any.

EW. The woman singing harmony needs to GO. That woman is either off-key or just has a naturally irritating voice.

Honestly? It was nice, but I couldn’t hear her enough.

I didn’t take many pictures of Haley so here’s her face:


So now they’re playing Beyonce’s new music video (remember those!?!?) and it’s bizarre (of course?).
It’s like steppin’ mixed with poppin n lockin mixed with Barbarella and latex.


The judges have picked the last songs for the contestants and Scotty will be singing “She Believes in Me” by Kenny RogZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Welcome back! Lauren will be singing “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack.
Oh god, this is a BIG SONG.
Aaaaannnd she’s wearing cotton candy

She’s putting more vibrato into the high note than Lee Ann, that’s pretty impressive.
I could do with a little less attitude from Lauren, I mean, this song is pretty calm and reflective so sass isn’t really aprapos, but then she did put some guts into a couple parts of the song that really made it hers.

Oh, and Lee Ann Womack is totally MY good friend, too. (You had to watch to get that)


Haley is going to wrap up the show with, “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrissette

*blink*

Erm, I dunno…

Nope!
Too low. WAY too low.

Well, everything but the low notes parts are really great…soooooo…really just some of the chorus.
I don’t know whether she’s been pushing her voice and she usually could hit the low notes but just couldn’t right now, but if not, then they really needed to have done something different there.


So that’s it!
I hope you people voted for Haley!!
Or at LEAST Lauren.

DEAR GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET SCOTTY WIN.


I dunno folks, I’d rather Scotty left, but I think it’s true that more females than males watch this show and they are more likely to vote for a guy because they’re catty hateful bitches and are jealous of the girls’ talent and young age so they are unknowingly resentful. Umm, I think. Or maybe I’m projecting a little.


So, I think the winner of this show, is………….

Randy!

He finally looks cute.

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Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

I Don’t Know What’s Going On Here

Posted by The Bludge on May 19, 2011

This episode’s songs are songs that some guys wrote… or something?

And Lady Gaga is mentoring or performing or in an egg somewhere.


James is singing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin”.
Oh boy!!!
I know he can do this, and as long as he doesn’t get too excited, he won’t overshoot those big high notes.

He nailed it all. His vibrato is really impressive. Hah, even the judges commented on that. Because yeah, not everyone can do that.


Haley is doing Michael Jackson’s….ummmm….something Michael Jackson sang.

It IS just like Michael Jackson…her hair’s on fire.

Wow, holy cats, this song is BORING.

UGH, she is YELLING THIS ENTIRE HALF OF THE SONG.

DAMNIT. I can’t imagine that will get her a lot of votes. I didn’t love it. She CAN sing so she did NOT have to holler at us.

JLo looked PISSED. Aaaaand so did Haley. Yuck.
Oh UGH, and she’s arguing.
I HATE THAT.
It does NOT change America’s mind. You’re TWENTY ONE. You’re arguing with people AT LEAST twice your age and you’re not right.
And neither is Steven Tyler.

JustSHUTUPshutupshutup!!


WHY does Ryan keep calling him “Scotty the Body?”

EW.
Scotty is not going to do justice to “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning” by the only man in country, (as far as I’m concerned) Alan Jackson.

OH CRAP.

Well of COURSE he’s safe this week.

He’s “trying not to cry” which also translates to “trying not to get kicked off” (and unfortunately doing it very well).
The performance is BORING. AS. HELL.


Lauren is singing “Anyway” by Martina McBride
Oh noooooo, I’m gonna CRY.
Oh, she’s really doing well!!
Her voice broke a little bit and it scared her, it was obvious, but she pushed it and hit the next buncha notes, and then it seemed like she backed off a bit.
whatevs, she did great.


Haley is singing “I Who Have Nothing” and I have no idea what this is.
It seems another song that no one knows and likely won’t be able to feel a connection.

Actually, it was powerful because of her connection and commitment.
She really delivered the song, and got a standing ovation from the judges!


Scotty is singing “Young Blood” by the Coasters.
And Gaga told him to sing straight into the mic like it’s a big hot dog.
Realizing that worked for HER and maybe not this country boy she changed it and told him to make out with the mic like it’s his girlfriend.
I’m still not sure he knew what she meant.
And from the way he’s fluting the mic AGAIN, I’m mostly certain now.


Lauren had some shelving installed since her last song.

She’s singing “Trouble” by Elvis Presley
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet. I love me some Elvis; though I’m not familiar with this song.
She was afraid of the song a little bit because she says “I’m evil” and Gaga walked her through it.
Silly.

This song just got a little too fast for her.
She’s trying to sing like Haley and it ain’t workin.
I actually didn’t like her singing “I’m evil” over and over again. It was just…weird.
Before the song I thought it was just one line and she needed to get over it, but NOW it just…I dunno. I didn’t like it.


James is singing “Love Potion #9”
It was fun watching Lady Gaga surprise him by forcing him to dance while they were practicing.
The song is kind of overpowering him and he’s not really SINGING.
Well, he wasn’t until just at the end, where he pulled out his high notes.


So…
now I’m watching the results show and the first person that is in the Top 3 is Lauren.
I’m pretty sure they called her name first for a few reasons.
First, she prolly would’ve had a nervous breakdown if she was made to wait.
Also, I think that next they are going to say that Scotty is in, so that there is a lot of drama of the “OMG IS IT JAMES OR HALEY?!?!?!?!”
It’ll prolly be James.
And I will say fuck you to America again.

Ok, so Lady Poop did the song that Haley had done that Lady GArgle only did at her shows and her singing is really great and I kind of wish she didn’t do all the over-the-top stuff

OH HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!
HALEY IS IN THE TOP 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY


Oh holy crap.
And SCOTTY is the third one in the top 3.

I hope someone will be posted in James’ hotel room to make sure he doesn’t kill himself later.

Like Ryan said “This was the point where Chris Daughtry was kicked off the show.” (Ok, I don’t think Ryan said it quite like that.)

Whoah. James is singing “Maybe I’m a Man” and he’s doing a great job and using that vibrato until he kissed his wife/girlfriend and lost it right before he was supposed to start singing some high notes.

Holy cats.

America…you are douchey.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Are We There Yet?

Posted by The Bludge on May 9, 2011

So, I barely watched last week’s results show, but the only part that mattered was that Casey was kicked off.
Well, that’s fine with me.
Can we get Pia back, though? We can kick Scotty off right now and then there’d be a spot open! At least for another week.


Jacket/Hat and icky dick-sucker-face Sheryl Crow are the mentors this week.

Ok, so I’m not supposed to be so critical of appearances anymore cuz it’s small-minded and hateful and stuff but I formed that opinion a very long time ago because I was a contrary, ornery bitch and if people liked something, I did NOT. It’s really hard to shake those opinions.
Also, working in retail and having the Top 40 songs play on a loop for 8 and a half straight hours didn’t help.


James was up first.
Did I mention his voice reminds me of Sebastian Bach?
He’s singing some song that is either titled “30 seconds to Mars” or that’s the name of the band. I don’t really care. No really, I don’t care, so don’t bother telling me in a note.

Um, is that a toupee?

Wait, didn’t I just say that I’m not supposed to make fun of people’s appearance?
Aww screw it.
This song is as boring as taking a lactose tolerance test.
(Trust me, it’s a loooong, boooring process.)


Jacob is singing “No air” by Jordan Sparks and that guy that beat up Rhianna and seriously needs to look into Zoloft.
Jacob’s singing both parts.
He’s moving so awkwardly.
In the middle of singing a word he’ll remember that he needs to be dancing and he’ll waggle his hips and then he’s back to concentrating on singing, then he’ll spasm again. Rinse, seizure, repeat, etc.
And he is SO not in tune when he’s concentrating on moving his body. And it’s not attractive.
Then again, I’m not a gay dood.


Lauren is next and I like her appearance!!!
She’s wearing black, YAY!
And her hips are wearing a necklace and it’s long and strandy (it’s a word, now) and it’s elongating her midsection instead of making her look like a troll doll.

I have no fucking clue what the hell she’s singing.
Apparently that was a Carrie Underwood song.
She has a great voice but she’s still so unsure of herself. TOTALLY understandable seeing as she’s 16, but still…


Scotty is going to be leaning into “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry.
Ok, I will NOT take a picture of his flute-mic tonight.
Oh, HAH! He is purposefully trying NOT to do that.
YAY!!
I actually like him more today, but I’m still not taking his picture.

Strike that, I hate him. He fluted the mic again.
This song is BORING.
Speaking of Gone…WHY IS SCOTTY NOT GONE!?!??


Haley
She’s doing a Lady Gaga song that isn’t released but Gag-gag does it at her shows apparently.
It appears to be a slow song.

What the fuck…Haley has hooves

I’m not sure she’s really connecting to the song right now.
But she’s killing it vocally.


James is back up for his 2nd song…
In his practice video he starts singing some slow song and lost it trying to sing this emotional song with Sheryl and then he told her and jacket/hat that he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t sing anymore, he was done for the day, and he walked off.
WOW.
That was ballsy.

So now he’s singing the song on stage and I think if he’s going to cry on live TV he’d better wait until the end. Like, as in, when he’s done.
I don’t know what the name of this song is but I know Mariah Carey sang the shit out of it.
And I can barely hear James at all, until he hit the higher register.
And he’s crying and still singing and yelling and not hitting notes and nowhere near in-tune.
Sorry, he doesn’t get a sympathy vote because SUCKITUP you’re on national TV and I like professional singers to act that way.

Ok, so when I cry I can’t even speak so I surely couldn’t sing so knowing he was crying and singing is pretty impressive.


Jacob is singing “Love Hurts”?
This kinda sucks.
Not the singing, he sings the hell out of everything, but he’s singing too high a register for me.
Prolly if I was there in person I would LOOOOOOOVE it.
But, I’m not.


Lauren is making the entire country do “the wave” in the form of a giant, continuous eye-roll.
She’s going to sing Unchained Melody.
UGH
I really don’t want to hear it AGAIN. This song is SO overplayed.

Oh, hey! She looks like a Barbie!

I mean like, Farrah Fawcett
She’s doing a fine job on this song.
Oh that was EXCELLENT!
She really just pushed herself and really endeared herself to me and prolly at least a billion other people, since my heart is made out of a big hunk of lead wrapped in iron.
And then I think she was supposed to hit up some big/high notes again but her voice broke; but she was just great.
Yes. I said it.


Off topic, WHY ARE THE CAMERAS ALWAYS AT CROTCH LEVEL!?!???!??!!??


Scotty is singing Elvis Presley

BORING.


Haley’s last song is “The House of the Rising Sun” by the Animals.
She’s singing the beginning a capella.
I love her voice, but I’m not quite sure I want to hear this song.
Ok, actually, I quite liked it. She got a standing O from the judges.
Even my husband liked it and he’s kinda picky about bluesy songs.
She really does have an amazing voice.

And, she’s no Pia, but she’s nice to look at


Well, if Haley gets voted off it won’t be because I wasn’t voting for her.


I’m guessing Jacob is leaving.


HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS!!
I WAS RIGHT!
Jacob got voted off!


It’s not Scotty, but at least it’s not Haley!


Let’s remember what is important here: I was right.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

F U in the I

Posted by The Bludge on April 8, 2011


Do not adjust your screens ladies and gentlemen, your contact lenses and glasses are fine

This is not total eye fuckery, this is alive(?) Steven Tyler and his waxy likeness from the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, because this week, the contestants are singing songs by people/bands that were inducted into the Hall of Fame.


Will.i.am was there to help jacket/hat guy. He seemed very pleased.


#1
Jacob is doing Man in the Mirror

He was going to do “Let’s Get it On” but I’m kinda glad that he didn’t. He is too over-the-top-queeny to pull off sexy MANLINESS.

There’s a lady on the stage singing too and OMG WHY are they thrusting their crotches at each other?

AWKWARD

That was actually pretty boring, I didn’t love it.
I mean, I love HIM but…it wasn’t GREAT.

I’m sure it was much better in person.


I think my kid made Randy’s jacket out of Duck tape

Yes, DUCK tape, because we don’t use the bo bo brand duct tape.


#2
Haley is singing Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”

Oh, her voice IS perfect for this song!

!!

She isn’t growling TOO too much.

Aaaand now they did two weird-ass breaks in the song that totally fucked it all up. It was just a removal of guitar and stuff and mostly a bass beat and WHAT THE FUCK?
THIS IS JANIS JOPLIN, not Rhianna.

Also, her last run was too random but I really did love the rest of the song.

#3
Casey was going to sing “Every Little Thing She Does” but instead did “Have you Ever Seen the Rain” by CCR
And he’s playing the ginormous bass.
What’s with the guy playing the eukelele?

And, he’s making I’m-gonna-eat-your-face faces again.

This song is monumentally lame.

At least he isn’t making scary faces the entire time…he also made silly faces.

Steven Tyler thinks Casey should turn his bass into a car.
WTF?

Now he’s talking about Casey’s package.

NEXT!


#4
Lauren is gonna sing Aretha’s “Natural Woman”

What the hell is she wearing?

It’s totally giving her a polterwang.
Oh right, the girls are wearing Gwen Stefani’s crap.

And her hair…

All she needs is a nose-ring connected to an earring.

Are her feet glued to that spot on the stage?
MEH


#5
James is going to slow it down with “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”
I think this will be good, so long as he’s not too twitchy.

Ok, back lighting and big ears do NOT mix, producers.

Well, he just started his scream/yell and apparently that was the end of the song.

That was weird.

It was just like…..oh…it’s…over.

And he’s all crying. Awwww

Steven just said “Not only did your guitar gently weep, so did you.”
UGH.


#6
Scotty is gonna slaughter Elvis’s “That’s All Right Mama.”

I HATE the way he holds the mic.

IT’S NOT A FLUTE

Today, since Casey will be eating your face, Scotty will be eating your hair…

And suddenly there are girls that RAN up on stage and mobbed him and then they were gone.

What?
Oh, I see what they did there, cuz he sang an Elvis song. UGH, producers. UGH.

Steven said to him “I thought you were all hat and no cattle.”

Seriously…I am SO glad Paula’s back this year!!

#7
Pia is singing Tina Turner’s “River Deep Mountain High”

Oh my damn.
She’s wearing a floppy cow suit.

Look at that GIANT CROTCH!!

The only thing it’s missing is udders.
Wait, is that one there?

omg her butt-crack starts at the bottom of her hair. Perhaps all of that rope was cutting off the oxygen to her brains.

Oh, and also, she sang.


#8
Stefano is singing “When a Man loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge

He is throwing himself into the singing and it’s MUCH better than before, because he isn’t just smiling the whole friggen time.
He hits all of his notes every week


#9
So, PAUL is singing Johnny Cash’s “Folsum Prison Blues”

What the deuce?

It’s just…noisy.

Ok, it’s a little better than usual.

At least he wasn’t totally singing like his pants were full of helium.
But, this is not the face of a convict:

My living room consensus is that Paul did well.


So, my favorite performance was Haley.

I know, it wasn’t Pia!

Here we go, ranking on best overall performance (singing/performing):
1) Haley
2) Stefano
3) Paul
4) James
5) Pia
6) Jacob
7) Lauren
8 ) Casey
9) Scotty

I’m guessing the bottom 3 are Casey, Lauren, and Pia


OK, now to the results show!


OMG Jennifer.

No.

Randy and Sally Jesse Raphael aren’t looking too much better either, but really…Jennifer!?
NO.

Also, Steven’s pants are so tight I can see how many sperm he doesn’t have left.


So first up: Casey, Stefano, and Lauren’s GIANT OUTFIT

Casey and Lauren are safe, Stefano is in the bottom 3

😦

Guest appearance time!
WHY is Constantine Mouralis singing this song?
He’s singing “Lean On Me” or some similar song and WHAT THE HELL. If he was promoting an album, why wouldn’t it be an original song?

We had to fast forward because he looked like someone that we all had bad memories of, yech.
The only watchable part of that was when they showed a picture of his new baby girl,

which spawned this discussion in my living room:
“Hey, what’s that baby doing lying on a plate of grits?”
“That’s not grits, it’s CLEARLY cream cheese on a Triscuit”
“…laying on a bed of hair”


Anyway, Pia, Paul, and Scotty are up next

Damn, Pia’s FINE.

Scotty is safe. Paul is safe. And PIA is not safe.

Ok, this is something I do not want to be right about y’all!

Now James, Jacob, and Haley are up.

GAH. Is it Jacob? Cuz he was boring.

Ok, James is safe.

GAH GAH GAH

And Haley is safe!
PHEW!

Bottom 3 are Jacob, Pia, and Stefano

Are we kicking Stefano off for wearing those suspenders?

Dang, time for a commercial break…and now a guest appearance by…
OMG IGGY POP IS NOT NOT NOT OK IN HD
BAD Fox, BAD!!

Fuck America in the EYE

Pia was voted off of the show.

Well, I think we all know that if she doesn’t get a recording contract she can do either one of two things, modeling or stripping.


Personally, I hope she chooses the latter.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

It’s What It’s

Posted by The Bludge on March 31, 2011


So, Ryan has a new fan

I guess it’s appropriate that we’re doing Elton John songs today.

I’m guessing 3 out of the 11 contestants will have never heard an Elton song.
Unfortunately they didn’t mention who hadn’t heard of Elton; too bad, I would’ve guessed Thia, Stefano, and Lauren.


#1 Scotty

I didn’t get a picture of Scotty McLeansALot so here’s a picture of Hulk Hogan from last week and his creepily absent belly button.

CREEPY

Anyway, Scotty is singing Elton’s “Country Comfort”.

The be-coated, be-hatted, be-speckled producer guy called Scotty ELEGENT.
HAH

His song was RIGIDLY typical country with NO stand-outs EXCEPT that he gave a shout-out to his grandma which was adorable.
And his guitar is pretty.

Crazy Grandma Tyler says “There’s nothing I can say to you that a couple high heeled cowboy boots wouldn’t fix.”
Wha?


#2 Naima
She’s singing “I’m Still Standing” but in a reggae style.
Her costume reminded me more of a gay pride flag than reggae colors…

This is odd, but it’s…ok.
Sometimes I think she is out of tune but I’m pretty sure the key changed and she is in tune.
The beginning showcased her voice more, even though it was odd and she was really singing from the back of her throat with all of the low notes.
I dunno you guys, again, she’s not a spectacular singer but she is very likable.


Apropos of nothing, I’m so glad that Paula Abdul is back on the show.


#3 Paul is going to earfuck “Rocket Man”.
So yeah, he is singing it (I think?) and if he doesn’t start crying or flop around like a flounder this song is going to put me to sllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllkjnhfxc


#4 Pia is doing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.”
Yep, another ballad.

She sang it really well but it did not get me all excited.
Her modeling picture did

But I am not a fan of the ice dancing costume that she performed in

Pia’s hot.
Whatever.


#5 Stefano is going to ruin “Tiny Dancer”.

Hey Stefano, wtf is a ballerinum?
Is that the shit spewing out of that nuke plant in Japan?

Maybe if he would stop smiling all of the time it would seem like a song instead of a show.

I was not impressed.
The judges were a lot nicer this week and said that he connected more with the audience.
Well, not the ones in THIS living room.


Sidenote – WHY is Howie Mandell allowed to breathe?


#6 Lauren is going to make us hate “Candle in the Wind”.
Not because she’ll be bad but because OMG, I don’t even want to hear ELTON sing that fucking song ever again.

It’s not a good range for her, it’s very nasally and irritating.
It’s really not doing her any favors.
Neither did the dress the put her in for the photo shoot.

I’m all for equal opportunity employment but hiring a midget photographer really wasn’t a good idea.

It’s very 80’s-big-hair meets timid country singer. The voice, not her outfit. Her outfit is better than that one up there ^ but not exciting enough for me to photograph.


#7 James is gonna perform “Saturday.”

Oh
No
He
Di’int.
He just did a teddy bear.

Not like “had inappropriate relations with a stuffed animal”, I mean did something like this

Well that was entertaining.
It was fun.
Whatevs
NEXT

#8 Thia is going to do a robot version of “Daniel”.

Producer dood says to her: “Forget all the high school drama stuff” HAHAHAHAHAHA, so like, forget last year?

That was surprisingly good…in a way. Her feelings were finally existent. Though some of the notes seemed like her voice was about to just squeak and then her big vibrato came through.
Sometimes.

The judges liked it.

I didn’t take her picture this week because she wasn’t wearing any food preparation material.


#9 Casey is singing “Your Song”
He said he was gonna cut the beard.
The beard is still there.

It’s much better though.
He looks more like the pudgy nice guy that women are “let’s just be friends” with than the creepy basement dweller that buys used underwear on the internet.

It’s just him singing and some guy on the piano.
It’s good.

His voice is nice. It’s nice to not be distracted by his growling and yelling and creepyface.
He did do creepyface a few times, though.
This was also an improvement


#10 Jacob is going to over-dramatize “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word.”

He killed it.
Per usually.


#11 Haley will be growling “Bennie and the Jets”.

Yay! She’s jazzy and growly and not using that sweet voice that doesn’t fit in with the rest.
And she was a little more comfortable on the stage. Not great, but better.
Prolly she just needs to take a shot of whiskey and get laid. Prolly in that order. (Is she even 18?)

YES! AWESOME!
Randy said “BEST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT”!!!
And that was AFTER Jacob!!!


So, tonight as a whole wasn’t amazing.
If I had to pick my favorite it would be…….the brownies that I ate while I was watching the show.

Vote for the Worst is telling people to vote for Paul, which is fine with me because it’s not Scotty, but I think that will keep Paul out of the bottom three, so even though I would assume he’d be in it, he likely won’t be this week.

Here’s my opinion that is worth about 72¢:
Scotty was the boringest.
Thia was 2nd boringest.
Stefano was 3rd boringest.
Naima was the meh-est.
Jacob, James, and Pia were the typical-est.
Haley was the underdog-est.
Casey was the desperate-est.
and Lauren was also there.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The hell?

Posted by The Bludge on March 27, 2011

YAY! Motown!!
The contestants are doing Motown songs.
Wait, what does Motown mean again?


#1
Casey is doing Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”.
Of course he is.
It’s kind of a given that SOMEONE was going to do that song.
This should be a great song for him.

Wait, producer dood is in his hat and coat again. Is LA experiencing some sort of cold front?

So Casey, started out strained because you can tell he’s thinking too hard.

Now it’s getting good cuz he’s comfortable with the song because he’s probably sung it a lot.
He looks nice.

You know, except for when he’s making what he thinks is his ‘sexy’ face but is really his ‘I-will-kill-you-and-eat-your-hair’ face.

That was ok, the end was totally off-key, but whatever, people love him.


OMG, it looks like Steven Tyler has cleavage.


JLo looks nice though, per usually


#2
Thia is singing “Heatwave”

Oh look! She’s wearing a dress made out of cupcake wrappers!

Damn! She’s really knocking it out of the park – although it’s hard to hear her on the lower notes which is a surprising few.
Oh crap, she just forgot the words.
I don’t think this song used to have so many “Ooohs”
Randy thinks that “The public is resounding with her.”
Wait, none of the judges mentioned her forgetting her words!?
The hell?


#3
Jacob is singing “You’re All I Need to Get By.”

He just has such a huge voice.
omg his personality is SO FUN!
I mean, look at these faces!

He was perfect. Perfect pitch.
Got a standing O from the judges AND a hug from Steven Tyler.

Ok, now the front row is all giving him hugs LOL
The hell?


#4
Lwhoren’s turn (No, I don’t think she’s a whore, it’s just fun to make fun of people, duh)
She’s starting off with a really strong voice singing “You Keep Me Holdin On”
She does have a very entertaining and big beautiful voice that is in tune.
And she even threw in a little sass, which was nice.
It sounds EXACTLY like the original, but she has the fucking pipes to rock it hardcore.
And, she looks cool



#5
Stefano!!

Stefano is singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”
and he’d never heard it before…the hell?
BAHHH YOUNGINS!!

I sure hope he keeps his eyes open and sings it to the audience.
Meh, I am not loving this, he’s overdoing it.
If he sang it with his sweet smooth vibrato he would be KILLING it.
I was explaining to Bart why he wasn’t good, how he wasn’t feeling the song, he was just putting on an act and not a GOOD one, just kind of doing the motions and then all 3 of the judges said the same thing.


#6
Haley

Haley’s doing Smokey Robinson & the Miracles “You Really Got A Hold On Me”

I want her to do well but I’m not loving this performance. She’s flat. And sharp. And too growly, and all over the fucking place.
At least she wasn’t sweet and then growly and then demure and then WTF? again this week.
The judges actually liked it a lot
HUH??
The hell?


#7
Scotty the Potty

My husband just pointed out who he reminds him of:

He’s going to do Michael Jackson song that Stevie Wonder also did, “For Once in My Life.”
And also, I hope that he is going to wear briefs the next time he’s on camera with sweatpants on.

I HATE HIS SMUGFACE!
Also, I hate this face:

Why is he always leaning over!?

He needs one of those bracelets.

Yeah whatever, he can sing in tune, but I HATEHISFACE
He looks ridiculous.
Always leaning and making retard faces and rapper gestures.

BAHHhhhh


#8
Pia!

Pia is doing another ballad, “All in Love is Fair” by Stevie Wonder.

You would think that Stevie was the only person recording at Motown…

Oooh! She just gave me goosebumps!
Her voice control is really great!
She probably has needed the past 10 years to get this good. Martina McBride wasn’t always fucking amazing. She just started out amazing and then got to fucking.
lolz

That was fucking PERFECT
It makes me want to cry, but that could also be because I’m a bit of an emotional wreck right now.
The ONLY thing the judges criticized her on is that they wanted her to next time NOT do a ballad.

Ryan had to make sure everyone saw the back of her dress, not because he thinks that it’s sexy but prolly cuz he’s dating the designer LOLz


#9
Paul is doing Smokey’s “Tracks of My Tears”

Well.
This is weird.
Does he not know that this song is about CRYING!?!!??
It’s like…uptempo.
The hell?
At least he’s playing guitar so he can’t hold the mic and flop all over the stage.
MEH


Wait, is Steven on the phone?

Or is he just staring at some 17 year old?


#10
Naima is going to do “Dancing in the Street.”

She’s going to throw some dancing in with her singing as well.

Oh honey, NO

Those aren’t bellbottoms, those are homeless shelters

Honey it DOES matter what you wear. (See what I did there? A line of the song is “It doesn’t matter what you w…” oh forget it.

She probably has the weakest voice of all of the contestants but she does have a good personality.

For Steven’s review he said “E to the Z to the twiddly dee” and then promptly licked Jennifer’s hair, fell backwards out of his chair, jumped up and went “TA DAAA!”

No, not really, but he did say that first part.

The hell?


#11
James Durbin is doing “Livin for the City”

He’s actually dancing and singing too!
He SLAMMED his high note too
He is reminding me of Mark Slaughter…except for the triple-high notes
Yep, he killed it again.
Nailed it.

How do I think THIS face isn’t stuck up or smug?

lol

Randy’s getting his ass boo’d HARDcore because he said James started off rough but I didn’t see that.


I am SHOCKED that so many people did well tonight.

I can’t really say based on performances who I think would go home cuz I’ve already watched the results show, but I will anyway: bottom 3: Haley, Naima, and Stefano.


LOLz so now I’m watching the results show and it is fucking hilarious and awesome.
First there was Stevie Wonder, who started a rendition of Happy Birthday for Steven Tyler, who just turned 98 or something. Then Hulk Hogan comes out on stage and badly-fake-punches Ryan while the boy contestants freak out..

Honestly I fast forwarded through almost all of the results show.
ESPECIALLY the part where Sugarland was performing because the singer was wearing Barbie barf.
From the early 90s. NO I didn’t take a picture, who wants to remember that?

So Thia and Stefano are in the bottom 3 😦

Ew, Haley has a side-pony
Hrrm, and Naima is safe

And CASEY is in the bottom 3.
The hell (I honestly don’t care but it’s kind of the theme here)

Thia is safe…

and Stefano is safe! (the hell?)

CASEY had the least amount of votes!
The hell?

The hubby is shocked, as, it appears, is the crowd, but WHATEVER.
He started singing his song and the judges stopped him and they told him that he was saved, he didn’t even have to sing.

The look on his face is terrifying, only because I know he’s been sick and he was mouthing “I can’t breathe.”

He was like “Are you serious? Why are you DOING this to me?” lol (meaning they scared him).
Then, he ran into the audience to hug his mom.
It was SO cute.

Ryan brought it back down by saying “Well, this means that TWO people have to go home next week.”

“BUT…there won’t be a Top 10 tour, all ELEVEN of the contestants will be doing the tour.”
I’m pretty sure Casey is going to need a defibrillator.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Duh. Winning.

Posted by The Bludge on March 10, 2011

It’s ok JLo, I’d want to hide my face, too if I was wearing a titty-ball dress.

with hip-flare. (I hate dress pockets.)


Steven looks pretty today.

Also, Randy exists.


WHY must Ryan talk to the stage manager using their first name?

WHY is it “Nancy, let’s do this” and “Erika, dim the lights” and “Frank, take off your pants”
That last one may not have happened on stage, but I can still see Ryan saying it.

In any case, it’s odd. Sure, Ryan and whatever-person are probably on a first-name basis, but I’ve never seen the people he talks about. For all I know, they could all be circus midgets.
Now I wish I knew them.
Dang.


Anymonkey, tonight, the 13 contestants will sing a song by their personal idol.
My hubbers heard this and said “Let’s see, so there will be a JLo song, an Aerosmith song, and…why the hell is Randy there again?”


Helping coach the contestants before the show was chairman of Interscope whose name is either Douchenozzle McSpeckle or Jimmy.
Whatever.
Apparently he’s always worried it may rain inside because he always has a baseball cap on…

or perhaps the sun keeps getting in his eyes.
Inside the building.

Anyway, there were a bunch of famous producers coaching the peeps.
I dunno, if I was them, I’d prolly be at my mansion watching people that I pay roll around in my money.
I wouldn’t want to roll around in it, do you know where those things have been?! Me neither, because I don’t see very much of it.

#1

Lauren’s idol is Shania Twain
Shania’s REAL name is Eilleen so she is A-OK in my book.
Lauren is going to sing “Any Man of Mine”, specifically because she did not want to sing a ballad. I’m guessing that’s what all of the other girls are doing.

LOLz she totally spit water out in front of the producer(s)

Although, if I had to look at this guy, I don’t think I could swallow either

(That’s what SHE said!)

The background music totally sounds like karaoke crap.

She needs heals, The long top with dark pants and flats looks like poo.


This is NOT doing her any favors. Her clothes or this song.
I KNOW girl can sing, but this song is NOT challenging and not better OR different than the original

Her saving graces are
1) We all know she is young
2) She is personable and likeable
3) She’s pretty

Yay! Steven, JLo, AND Randy agreed with me and wanted Lauren to do more with the song.

She looked a bit crushed.
But, let’s remember what’s important: I was right.

Of course, when asked about her performance, she says she “HAD FUN.”
*eyeroll*


#2
Casey is singing Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help from My Friends”
He said Joe C isn’t hot and Casey is…similar…or something
*snort*

So…..yeah….mmmmmeeeeeehhhhhh

I mean…

UHHH

I got nothin.


#3
Ashthohnh

will be singing Dianna Ross’s “When You Tell me That You Love Me”

God I hope she kicks this song’s ass
Oohh, she’s wearing a satin dress. Those are hard to pull off.

I wouldn’t mind having a go at it, though.

😀 See what I did there?

Daggone, her earrings are big (not a euphemism)

Her high notes didn’t quite cut it.
The preview before her actual performance was SO. WAY. BETTER.

Randy liked it, that was surprising.
NOT surprising, JLo and Steven liked it.


JLo looks amazing as usual but that lipstick needs to be toned down


#4
Paul is singing Ryan Adams “Come Pick Me Up”

THIS SONG IS BORING

Dood is a straight up weirdo.
He flailed around the stage like a marionette (worked by Michael J Fox) and yet he was singing this terribly slow song.
He is bizarre, but not in a cool, fun way…in a WTF kinda way.
Ok, maybe it’s a little fun, but, still, WTH is with his face?

And his “dancing”



#5 PIA!!!!!!
I LOVE PIA

She’s just so lovely, wait, what?

Wow. Those glasses.
Is she considered legally blind?

Anyway, DEAR BABY JEEBUS I hope she doesn’t pick a

OH MY GOD NOOoooooooooooooooo CELINE DION!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oK, I’m SCARED for her

I mean, she does have the pipes, but on stage and in front of all of these peoples
and it’s starting out so slowly…

STOP.

WHY is Steven wearing headphones?

So Pia’s hitting the big notes.
Wait, NO, she yelled.

It wasn’t good
Whatever, I can put it on mute and still look at those legs.

DAMNIT.
she’s still yelling/screaming
FUCK.
She sounded better in the previews too

She’s pretty.

I’m pretty sure that JLo is about to cry

Randy is saying that she hits these notes dead on….I beg to differ just a little bit, but WHATEVS

She’s HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT


#6
James Durbin is singing Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”

Surprisingly, so far tonight his voice has sounded the best
Of course, he’s going to start screaming soon…

All of the judges are boppin’ around in their chairs.

Oh.
Dear.
God.

He looks like Sloth from Goonies

That’s unfortunate.

Ok, ok, it’s not THAT bad…
That really was, the best singing so far the whole night.
Yes, better than Pia.
DEFINITELY not hotter.
But definitely the best singer so far

I can’t believe I just said that.


#7
Haley will be singing Leann Rhimes “Blue”

Haley’s perty, too

Ok, she’s not one sentence into it and she’s singing it better than Leann Rhimes
By about 100 times
Her control!
The key change, the vibrato, it was all
FAN
FUCKING
TAS
TIC

Dear lawd, look at those earrings!

She really is very pretty

So, Steven Tyler said this: “It’s a Patsy Cline song that she never recorded off of her first album.”
Do what now?
Seriously, SteveTylerHandlers, check his purse because I think he may be snorting Ambien.

Last week Haley did Alicia Keys and this week she’s doing Leann Rhimes. I kinda like that she, like many of us YOUNG people (YESIAM!) likes a broad spectrum of music genre.
Randy called it boring, kinda sleepy.
I hope he gets a hangnail.

JLo was really fighting for Haley and Randy keeps saying “sleepy” and JLo is essentally rolling her eyes and shit





#8 Jacob Lusk
His idol is R Kelly
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo….
Nevermind, I’ll let it go

Is it possible for him to actually SEE??

Seriously, his whole pre-performance interview his eyes were shut.

Jacob’s SHOCKINGLY going to be singing “I Believe I Can Fly” (fyi-that’s not shocking)

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dear God his voice is beautiful

But now he’s getting yelly and not in a good way

He seems like such a diva

Ok, he brought the scream/crying back to FUCKYEAH! territory

Fuckyeah!!


But, seriously, could someone PLEASE get Steven a writer? He sounds like he’s drunk


#9
Thia Megia is going to sing Michael Jackson


She was told by Jimmy that it’s not actually a Michael Jackson song, it’s a Charlie Chaplin song and she nods and is like “Mmmhmm” and then she’s like “Charlie…Cha…Chaaa?”

This song is slooooooooooooow
And OMG
Her voice is pretty, as is she.

Wait, what is going on? The tempo picked up and she is flat or sharp or something
And it is weird

They added a beat and it’s like…I dunno, weird. This is a slow, emotional song. Please do not do this again Idol band. *stern glare*

I liked the outside parts, the inside parts were…blech.

Randy also said he liked the beginning and not really the rest.

She is so meek.
I really wish she would’ve been cut so she could come back in at LEAST a year.
She’s FIFTEEN.
She’s got balls for going onstage in front of millions, but she still needs more confidence, stage presence, and trauma.
Not like, blunt-force trauma, but she needs some life experiences to give her a personality and depth; some real emotion.


#10
Stefano is singing his idol, Stevie Wonder! Woo! I love Stevie Wonder. We’re BFFLs. For True.

Stefano is singing “Sing Lately” (FYI I don’t check what the actual names of any of these songs are because I’m lazy and also I have important things to do with my time, like puzzles with my 4 year old.)
He can SING. Trust.

I’m not a fan of his look here, though:

I got a little scared cuz he really is belting out all of these notes, but he hit every one.
This song is maybe not going to get the young people voting because it is slow and they’ve never heard it.

Wait, they picked up the tempo
At first it was like, ok, now it’s giong to be upbeat
But he was still singing his long notes and stuff.
His voice was beautiful.
He is totally a man with a million faces, but he moved SOFAST I couldn’t take a million pictures like I did with Scotty McCreepy last week.


#11
Karen Rodriguez’s idol is Selena so she will be singing “I Could Fall in Love”

NO
WHY is she wearing a JUMPSUIT

And she must have REALLY pushed her voice because she is NOT doing well at all. In her preview clip they insinuated that she needed to rest her voice before her performance, so something must be up (they never did say anything was wrong).
She was not able to get meat behind her low notes.

Disappointing.


#12
Scotty McCrappy is going to ruin Garth Brooks’ “The River”

Apparently now there’s something wrong with his LEFT leg

I love this song

I hate Scotty’s face

His voice was pretty shaky until the chorus.
I do believe this picture sums up his performance:

He constantly pulled the mic away from his face so you couldn’t hear him…which I was totally ok with.

I dunno why I don’t like him, America. I think it has something to do with his smug-face that he puts on while he’s performing.


#13 Naima has lost her mind and is going to do Rhianna’s “Umbrella”

Fuck Rhianna
She should be doing Eryka Badu

*sings* “Why don’t you call Tyroooone”
(*waves* Hi Dianna)

She looks like an outcast from the Pirates of Rasta-Punk Island

She is not able to really get her breath

YES, the mix-up was fun but the
Wait, what?
Was that dancing where there should have been words?
I’m…
confused

The reggae beats were hot.

She dedicated that to her hubby…awwww

At least Steven said it…she was pitchy

They were talking about how she didn’t have time to dance, breathe, and sing and she said it was hard trying to find time for a breath.
Bitch, please.
She needs to try Dre & Eminem’s Forgot About Dre.
BOTH parts.

Of course they have Naima’s phone number a little different than the rest, because “They didn’t want anyone to have to use the UNLUCKY # 13”.
Which is funny, cuz guess what…last year? That phone number? 866-436-5713? Was a porn number.
Which they found out only after the first show.
Lolz
It’s unlucky porn I guess?

So here’s your choices America

1) Lauren
2) Casey
3) Ashthon
4) Paul
5) Pia
6) James
7) Haley
8 ) Jacob
9) Thia
10) Stefano
11) Karen
12) Scotty No, America. Don’t.
13) Naima

I’m voting hardcore for:
Lauren, Pia, James, & Haley

Kinda Sorta voting for:
Stefano & Jacob

Barely voting for:
Casey & Ashthon

I’m not sure if they’re eliminating one or two people tonight.
Obviously, I hope that Scotty goes home.
Trying to guess who America bothered to vote for is HARD. Especially because a lot of people vote most for who they thought sucked! I am going to guess that…Thia is going home.


Here’s how I think the contestants did tonight-based on vocal ability AND performance:
1) James (I know!)
2) Haley
3) Stefano
4) Naima
5) Jacob
6) Lauren
7) Pia (I know!)
8 ) Casey
9) Thia
10) Paul
11) Ashthon
12) Scotty McPoopyPants
13) Karen


If I had to pick my singing idol it would be…


ME of course, DUH
WINNING!
DUH!




Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Unce. Tice. Fee Times I’m Late

Posted by The Bludge on April 21, 2010

(Bludge note – this entry was hiding, unpublished; so even though it’s like, a year late and irrelevant, here it is)

*sheepish look*

“Hi, my name is The Bludge, and, um, it’s been three weeks since my last update.”

“Hi Bludge”

I don’t know what happened you guys, I think it was a lack of chocolate but I just couldn’t get motivated to actually write up an entry, even though I watched the shows on time and took notes.

SO, let’s re-cap!

The Top 9 show theme was Lennon and McCartney songs.

The pre-performance bios this week are the contestants talking about each other.

Sucio!!

First up is Yoda, I mean, Aaron. Apparently the other contestants speak like Yoda around him, though he has no obsession with Star Wars and he is not green or wise beyond his years.
He sang “The Long and Winding Road” and Kara accurately referred to it as a “Long and Winding song”.
It was about as entertaining as Reese Witherspoon.
Oh shit, did I just type that?
Yup.

Next up is Katie, who, the other contestants say, is smiley and dances.

WOW.

EARTH.SHATTERING.

Katie sang “Let it Be” and it was GREAT!

The judges even loved her performance, even Simon, even though he had apparently smoked crack during the commercial because he said “You’ve listened to my advice and gone country” which is fucking INSANE because if that was country then Dianna Ross sings bluegrass.

Kara was arguing with Simon and busted out this SICK run out of nowhere, I mean, just BELTED out a lyric in this big perfect voice. Holy crap y’all, why is she not a singer?

Andrew Barfcia was up next and the other contestants think he’s the “goofiest”.

ALERT THE MEDIA!
Oh, wait.

I had a feeling they would address Simon’s comment about Andrew not having a personality and of course they all said he probably has the MOST personality and is the funniest, etc.
Sounds to me like someone has a case of the I-want-everyone-to-like-me’s.
He doesn’t know who he is so he tries to be whoever the people that he’s with want him to be (or so he thinks).

No wait.  That’s me.

Anycorny, Andrew sang “Can’t Buy Me Love” and WHAT has he done to this song!?

It sounds like the bastard love-child of a back-alley coupling of a swing band and piano bar.
I thought it was weird.
To everyone’s shock and amazement (except nobody) Andrew defended his performance with “I had fun”.

Look y’all, a monkey can jerk-off huffing a can of spray cheez and I bet he thinks it’s fun, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a performance that I want to watch.

Big Mike’s revealing detail was that he snores. Loudly.

Also, he’s like a “big teddy bear”.

Can’t they give the contestants a better script?

AnyWTF, Mike tells us in the bio that he’s been singing forever because his family sings and they were called “The Lynche Mob”.

I’m not kidding you, people. I heard him say that!

I’ll give you a minute to ponder that in more detail.

LYNCHE. MOB.

Eeesh.

ANYSRSLYOMGWTFBBQ, Mike sang “Ellenore Rigby” and there’s this orchestra that’s kind of playing in a pop-y, punk-y kind of way and he’s singing like a soul singer and it’s…just…weird.

The judges liked it and said “You made that song commercial today.”

Um, no.

#5 was Crystal “I’m SURE this will sound different” Bowersox.
She’s singing “Come Together” which, is possibly the weirdest, most random song ever written in English.

I’m sorry, is that a didgeridoo?

Did she forget words?
She’s awful yell-y.

Kara said it was one of her “favorite performances”.

REALLY?!?!??

Also, every time Ellen talks it looks like there’s a hamster nestling down in her throat.

The contestants think Tim is “always smiling”.

That’s deep.
He says “I just want to brighten people’s day.”

BARF!

He’s singing “All My Lovin”.

Would someone please give him a venereal disease?

I just can’t care about him, I can’t do it.

I can’t relate!

It seems like he’s lived his life in an “18 Kids and Counting” kind of way. And I’ve lived my life in a “Roseanne meets Married With Children” kind of way.

That said, I’m sure his demographic will love it.

#7, Casey, “the Playboy” has long hair, according to his fellow contestants. And he laughs.

How is it that these contestants weren’t hired by the CIA!? They’re observations skills are just MIND BOGGLING(ly dumb).

Anyhonkey, Casey is singing “Jealous Guy” and his voice started out VERY shaky.

I LOVED the cello but the song        is                 so                     s     l     o     w.

On a positive note, he DOES look like he’s really moved by the song.

Also, his Mom looks like she used to be his Dad…

FOR AI Review

Simon said it was the “best performance of the night.”  I dunno, I’m not gonna vote for him.

Siobhan’s fellow contestants think that she is amazing…..ly weird.

Oh dear God. It’s a good thing I was sitting.  I wouldn’t want to be SO SHOCKED by these revelations that I got the vapors.

Siobhan’s going to sing “Across the Universe”, which I am not familiar with,  but more interestingly, someone seems to have sneezed a pile of tissues onto Siobhan’s lower half.

Oh UGH, she’s singing through her nose/back of her throat.

I would like to know how she does all of that vibrato.  It’s impressive.

I wasn’t a fan of her performance but she clearly deserves to be here.

Randy called it “sleepy” while Ellen said “you’re special” (lol) but it left Kara “confused.”

I totally relate, I’m not sure if I like her as a singer cuz I sure haven’t loved all of her performances.

Ahh well.

She did cry when she was explaining to Ryan (and all of us) that’s she’s doing this [competition] for her little sisters.

Awwwwwwwwww.

Finally, there’s Lee.  Apparently he is a worry-wart and always thinks he’s going to get sent home.

Also, he is good friends with Andrew and everyone joked about the two of them getting together and having “Danny Gokey babies” hahahahaha

Danny, I mean, Lee is singing “Hey Jude” and…well, it’s not starting out that great.

Aaaaaand, not really getting a LOT better…

Oh.

My.

Fuck.

There’s a goddamned bagpiper coming down the stairs.

Is Lee getting Punk’d?!?

My WTF threshold just got gangraped.

The Three Musketeers loved the performance and Simon read my mind and said “What are y’all drinking?” and to Lee “What were you thinking?”

FUCK. VOTING. TODAY.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Episodezzzzz

Posted by The Bludge on March 31, 2010

You guys, last night’s show was so mediocre, so tedious, and so vanilla that I didn’t even vote once.

Not even for my beloved Didi!

The theme for last night was “soul and R&B” and the mentor was one of the biggest stars to be completely (and publicly) pussy-whipped, Usher!!

After having his Mommy as his manager it does NOT surprise me that he was taken for a ride by his megabitch ex(?) wife.
Guess what? I don’t give a fuck if his mom wasn’t actually his manager and I’m not researching that.
THAT’S how committed to this blog I am.
Wild rabid horses couldn’t drag me awa….Oh, look! A butterfly!



#1 SIOBHAN
She’s liked Usher since she was SIX?!?!?!
OMG where’s my cane?

Little did I know that Siobhan was about to massacre (not in a good way) Missy Elliot & Chaka Khan’s “Through the Fire”.

OH OUCH. My EARS!!

OMG I’m convulsing

She’s WAY off key.

It’s horrid, now she’s adding a screechy ride to the earfuck festival.

AND the rest of the song is BORING.

Also, WHY is she wearing shin guards?



#2 Casey
AGAIN with the guitar!

He sang “Hold on I’m Coming” by Sam something-or-other
Wow. He sang all four of those notes over and over, what a tough feat! However did he do it!?!?

Um, did he forget the words again?

Why do the judges love his voice and his range? I’m bored to tears with this guy.



#3 Big Mike!!

Mike sang a song I’m not familiar with, “Ready for Love” by India Arie.

First, if there was better lighting I think I would’ve liked this performance a LOT better. I couldn’t see him and see the emotion.
His singing was good but the song was sloooooooooooooooooooooooow.



#4 Didi sang”What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” and totally cried after singing it to Usher.

I sure hope she doesn’t cry during her performance…

HOLY.
CRAP.
She looks AMAZING!

The dress, the hair, the makeup
WOW

Again, you guys, furrowed brows ≠ emotion!

OMG REALLY!?!? They’re bringing up her friend that died FOUR years ago?
I mean, really??

I think Ryan was just trying to get her to cry so she’d get the sympathy vote.

The judges didn’t think the song came completely together and I have to agree. I didn’t love it.
I didn’t hate it either, though.
I still love Didi, but I guess playing with my son was more important than voting last night.



#5 Tim Urban sang “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker

He looks like he’s in a musical.
He’s just so baby faced.

He did look in the camera and make sweet love (sorry) to it.
No, I’m being serious! He did the look-of-longing very well.
He didn’t sell the WHOLE song but he did ok.
He sang it great!
I like him this week.



#6 Andrew sang Chris Brown “Forever”

Is he gonna end it by beating down his wife?
Sorry, you knew that was coming though.

Hmmm, well this doesn’t sound R&B at all. That’s ok though, it sounds nice.
Are some of the words really “Double your pleasure double your fun”?
Really?

I think Andrew FINALLY did well this week, but I don’t think he will do it again.
Ever.



#7 Katie sang “Chain of Fools”

It was the first time it’s EVER been done on Idol
She did a great job, much more believable than usual.
What I mean is that instead of wanting to stand behind her and mock her I actually was rooting for her a bit.



#8 Lee Dewyze sang “Treat Her Like a Lady” by some brothers or something

MUUUCH better performance than, like, EVAR!!

He’s easy-confident and singing in key!!!!!

Simon said That he has changed his life with this performance.

Is Lee crying? Cuz I’m kinda crying.



#9 Crystal sang “Midnight Train to Georgia”

She’s playing piano instead of guitar.

WHY GOD!?! Why is EVERYONE ELSE talented!?!? Where’s MINE?!??!?!

Usher just called her KID. ?

Yay, it’s good to actually hear her VOICE.

OMG Y’ALL SHE HAS HER EYES OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And, she looks so NICE.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate it when contestants argue with the judges and try to justify themselves?
BAH
Just makes them seem whiny.

Also, what the HELL is going on here:

AI Review



#10 Aaron attempted to sing “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone”

I. LOVE. THIS. SONG.

I’m pretty sure 700 people have already sung this on Idol every damned season.

What. Thefuck. Ishewearing?
A leather/sweatshirt hoodie and a plaid shirt?

This is as entertaining as using a kitten to wipe dry paint off of a wall.
No, it’s more boring than that BY FAR.



I think Usher told everyone they have “an incredible voice” which doesn’t mean much because it could be incredibly good or incredibly bad.



Shit you guys, either I need to up my meds or this episode just sucked the fun out of me and wiped a butt with it.



Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

American Mediocre

Posted by The Bludge on March 25, 2010

Top 11!!!!!!!!!!!


This week everyone will be singing #1 Hits on the Billboard Charts!!

Thank God there’s only about 700 million songs to choose from because I’d hate for them to be confused or overwhelmed.
(Actually, I think the real number was about 2,080. Except I’m sure that there were some repeat offenders in there.)
UPDATE – Wiki says there’s been 983 different #1 hits and it MUST be true cuz I read it one the intartubes.

The way it seemed though, it was ILLEGAL to sing a song that has been popular in the last 60 years.


Apparently the world is coming to an end and God DOES hate me because MILEY CYRUS was the MENTOR for this week.
MILEY.
FUCKING.
CYRUS.

MENTORING.

YES! I SAID MILEY CYRUS!!

WTF!?

I do NOT fault her that she is 17 and giving advice because it’s impossible to argue that she has a LOT of experience in both TV, movie, and performing.
Note – I did NOT mention in ANY of that, actual singing.

Miley Cyrus has as much business mentoring American Idol contestants as Ellen Degeneres does judgi….oh shit.

Ok, well Miley Cyrus mentoring American Idol contestants makes as much sense as Jim Carey coaching Johnny Depp in acting.

I mean, did the producers not hear Miley’s performance last year!?!!?
It sounded like kicking a Pomeranian into a virgin’s vagina.


#1 Lee Dewyze
Look, I’m not big on remembering people’s names from whatever band and stuff, so when I heard Alex Chilton died, I said, “Who?” and then I didn’t bother listening to the answer cuz really? I don’t care.
I mean, I didn’t know who he was when he was alive, so it’s not like I should give a shit exactly who he is now, ok? Not that he wasn’t important, I’m sure to some people he was, but I have already spent about 5 minutes too long of my life talking about the guy.
ANYloser, Lee sang one of that dead guy’s songs, “The Letter” by The Box Tops or some shit. I guess that Alex person wrote it or whatever.

I wouldn’t know HALF of these songs by their name-unless I hear them, I have NO idea.

Lee’s performance was kinda bluesy jazzy and I liked it! He’s like a more-attractive version of that glasses/dead-wife guy from last season. You know, that guy…what’s his name? DANNY! Danny Gokey, that’s it!
Yeah, so Lee is like, a little better looking, but also probably about 14 times dumber (I’m just guessing, I mean, mixing paint isn’t exactly rocket science).
He’s probably better in bed though.
What?!?
Roughnecks usually are more fun.

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Lee. So he needs to connect with the audience more, he was mostly just shifting around on the stage and doing this twitchy thing with his left hand – it was just flailing about randomly like a ham sandwich with a dying rat inside of it.

Um, I think I had too much sugar today.
Anyhighschooldropout, I kind of agree with Simon that his song wasn’t something that would be on the radio, I mean, I wouldn’t buy the single but this is fucking American Idol.
And have you heard the shit they put on the radio?
“Umbrella ella ella”
“GA GA OOH LALA CA CA POO POO”

I think Lee did a really good job, the arrangement was fresh and fun and other than not wanting to actually WATCH him perform, I think it was his best performance. (lol)


#2 Paige Miles
Supposedly, Paige was going to sing “Against All Odds”, which is a Phil Collins song that Mariah Carey decided to dig up and assfuck and re-bury.
I’m pretty sure the majority of humans and dogs in the listening area wish that it had never resurfaced.
The word “pitchy” doesn’t even come CLOSE to the fuckery that was presented.
It was worse than karaoke at 1am when all the drunk girls that haven’t found some penis to go home with have gotten all emotional and start thinking they can sing like Mariah.
She sounded best last week when she had laryngitis and I really really REALLY hope (times a bajillion) that she goes home.


#3 Tim Urban sang Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and it was cheesy and vanilla and corny – apparently there was a lot of food involved.
He played to his fan base of tween girls and I’m sure they’ll vote for his cute little tush even though his singing was VERY plain/boring.


#4 Aaron “I’ll sound SO different when I hit puberty” Kelly.
Uh oh, little Aaron has laryngitis AND tonsillitis!!
Out of all of the contestants I didn’t peg him to be making out with Paige, but ok.

So it was HILARIOUS to hear little Aaron’s little-boy voice and then Miley Cyrus’s 50-year-old-2-pack-of-Marlboro-Reds-a-day-habit voice.

ANYtinypecker, Aaron sang Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” and the very first thing he did (I think?) was cough into the mic. Heh.
Ok, he has a great voice, and for his age he has some SERIOUS control, I actually enjoy his muted runs.

If anything detracted from his performance it was not his being sick, he just needs an eyebrow wax.

Side note – if that is what laryngitis does, could I have some, please?


#5 Crystal SHOCKINGLY sang “Me and Booby (typo and it stays) McGee” (SHOCKING!)

SOOOOOOO typical and NOT special and SAFE SAFE SAFE for her.
We all know she can sing that same old shit, what she REALLY needs to sing is Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.”


#6 Big Mike
LOVED his time with Miley, he wasn’t intimidated even though she could probably tan a bit more and successfully disguise herself as one of his fingers.
He was just so COOL and comfortable.
I was wondering how they find clothes for him though.

Mike decided to sing “When A Man Loves A Woman” and OMG IT WAS TERRIBLE!!!!!
Not his singing or anything, he’s great, but my HORMONES!! GTFO already!! WTF, nature?

I do have to say to Mike though, stop licking your lips, you are NO LLCoolJ.


#7 Andrew bored the CRAP right out of my butt with “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye.
UGH. I already don’t like it, he’s sung about 4 notes and they’re ALL BORING.
I’m not sure which is worse, Paige sucking so bad or Andrew being boring as BALLS.
He’s acting really weird – more talkative/flirty – is he drunk?


#8 Katie Stevens, still confused apparently on what age she actually is, sang Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”.
Yes, it was a pop song that probably young girls like, but…
Fergie is 35.
Katie was pitchy but I think it might have been her best performance yet, even though she can’t really pull off the sassy attitude that she was attempting.


#9 Schmuck, I mean, Casey sang Huey Lewis’s “Power of Love”
but not before he told Miley Cyrus “I’m a big fan of your………Dad’s.”
Wow. I’m not a Miley fan but that was pretty fucked up.

So…he sounds EXACTLY like Huey and I’m trying to figure out why this song is interesting at all and I figured out why I couldn’t, cuz it WASN’T.

Side note – How can Ellen’s face be SO smooth and her neck be SO…..DOOLOLLY

#10 Didi!
She sang “You’re No Good” by Linda Rontdtstadtdt
She was a little too scowly, the song was OK, but it just was……I dunno, lacking something.

Ok contestants, I have heard “I had fun” too many times.
Stop saying “I had fun.”
I don’t give a FUCK.
You are there to entertain ME bitch.


#11 Siobhan sang one of my FAVORITE songs of ALLTIME, Stevie Wonder’s Superstition.
It is EPIC.
For Siobhan, it’s just too…..singy. It needs more funk.

Oh honey, no. STOP FUCKING SCREAMING.
YOU are NO Adam Lambert.
When Simon said last week, “You’re almost going to have to do the scream every week” he was NOT being SERIOUS.


So, that’s it!!
Here’s my ranking:

#1. Lee
#2. Aaron
#3. Mike
#4. Siobhan
#5. Katie
#6. Crystal
#7. Didi
#8. Casey
#9. Tim
#10. Andrew
#11. Paige

Dear 7 pound 9 ounce baby Jesus, PLEASE get rid of Paige. Maybe bring her back next year after she has some singing lessons and/or just give her permanent laryngitis.



GREAT NEWS!!!! PAIGE IS GONZO!!!!!


Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »