The Bludge's Blog

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Posts Tagged ‘episode 19’

The hell?

Posted by The Bludge on March 27, 2011

YAY! Motown!!
The contestants are doing Motown songs.
Wait, what does Motown mean again?

Casey is doing Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”.
Of course he is.
It’s kind of a given that SOMEONE was going to do that song.
This should be a great song for him.

Wait, producer dood is in his hat and coat again. Is LA experiencing some sort of cold front?

So Casey, started out strained because you can tell he’s thinking too hard.

Now it’s getting good cuz he’s comfortable with the song because he’s probably sung it a lot.
He looks nice.

You know, except for when he’s making what he thinks is his ‘sexy’ face but is really his ‘I-will-kill-you-and-eat-your-hair’ face.

That was ok, the end was totally off-key, but whatever, people love him.

OMG, it looks like Steven Tyler has cleavage.

JLo looks nice though, per usually

Thia is singing “Heatwave”

Oh look! She’s wearing a dress made out of cupcake wrappers!

Damn! She’s really knocking it out of the park – although it’s hard to hear her on the lower notes which is a surprising few.
Oh crap, she just forgot the words.
I don’t think this song used to have so many “Ooohs”
Randy thinks that “The public is resounding with her.”
Wait, none of the judges mentioned her forgetting her words!?
The hell?

Jacob is singing “You’re All I Need to Get By.”

He just has such a huge voice.
omg his personality is SO FUN!
I mean, look at these faces!

He was perfect. Perfect pitch.
Got a standing O from the judges AND a hug from Steven Tyler.

Ok, now the front row is all giving him hugs LOL
The hell?

Lwhoren’s turn (No, I don’t think she’s a whore, it’s just fun to make fun of people, duh)
She’s starting off with a really strong voice singing “You Keep Me Holdin On”
She does have a very entertaining and big beautiful voice that is in tune.
And she even threw in a little sass, which was nice.
It sounds EXACTLY like the original, but she has the fucking pipes to rock it hardcore.
And, she looks cool


Stefano is singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”
and he’d never heard it before…the hell?

I sure hope he keeps his eyes open and sings it to the audience.
Meh, I am not loving this, he’s overdoing it.
If he sang it with his sweet smooth vibrato he would be KILLING it.
I was explaining to Bart why he wasn’t good, how he wasn’t feeling the song, he was just putting on an act and not a GOOD one, just kind of doing the motions and then all 3 of the judges said the same thing.


Haley’s doing Smokey Robinson & the Miracles “You Really Got A Hold On Me”

I want her to do well but I’m not loving this performance. She’s flat. And sharp. And too growly, and all over the fucking place.
At least she wasn’t sweet and then growly and then demure and then WTF? again this week.
The judges actually liked it a lot
The hell?

Scotty the Potty

My husband just pointed out who he reminds him of:

He’s going to do Michael Jackson song that Stevie Wonder also did, “For Once in My Life.”
And also, I hope that he is going to wear briefs the next time he’s on camera with sweatpants on.

Also, I hate this face:

Why is he always leaning over!?

He needs one of those bracelets.

Yeah whatever, he can sing in tune, but I HATEHISFACE
He looks ridiculous.
Always leaning and making retard faces and rapper gestures.



Pia is doing another ballad, “All in Love is Fair” by Stevie Wonder.

You would think that Stevie was the only person recording at Motown…

Oooh! She just gave me goosebumps!
Her voice control is really great!
She probably has needed the past 10 years to get this good. Martina McBride wasn’t always fucking amazing. She just started out amazing and then got to fucking.

That was fucking PERFECT
It makes me want to cry, but that could also be because I’m a bit of an emotional wreck right now.
The ONLY thing the judges criticized her on is that they wanted her to next time NOT do a ballad.

Ryan had to make sure everyone saw the back of her dress, not because he thinks that it’s sexy but prolly cuz he’s dating the designer LOLz

Paul is doing Smokey’s “Tracks of My Tears”

This is weird.
Does he not know that this song is about CRYING!?!!??
It’s like…uptempo.
The hell?
At least he’s playing guitar so he can’t hold the mic and flop all over the stage.

Wait, is Steven on the phone?

Or is he just staring at some 17 year old?

Naima is going to do “Dancing in the Street.”

She’s going to throw some dancing in with her singing as well.

Oh honey, NO

Those aren’t bellbottoms, those are homeless shelters

Honey it DOES matter what you wear. (See what I did there? A line of the song is “It doesn’t matter what you w…” oh forget it.

She probably has the weakest voice of all of the contestants but she does have a good personality.

For Steven’s review he said “E to the Z to the twiddly dee” and then promptly licked Jennifer’s hair, fell backwards out of his chair, jumped up and went “TA DAAA!”

No, not really, but he did say that first part.

The hell?

James Durbin is doing “Livin for the City”

He’s actually dancing and singing too!
He SLAMMED his high note too
He is reminding me of Mark Slaughter…except for the triple-high notes
Yep, he killed it again.
Nailed it.

How do I think THIS face isn’t stuck up or smug?


Randy’s getting his ass boo’d HARDcore because he said James started off rough but I didn’t see that.

I am SHOCKED that so many people did well tonight.

I can’t really say based on performances who I think would go home cuz I’ve already watched the results show, but I will anyway: bottom 3: Haley, Naima, and Stefano.

LOLz so now I’m watching the results show and it is fucking hilarious and awesome.
First there was Stevie Wonder, who started a rendition of Happy Birthday for Steven Tyler, who just turned 98 or something. Then Hulk Hogan comes out on stage and badly-fake-punches Ryan while the boy contestants freak out..

Honestly I fast forwarded through almost all of the results show.
ESPECIALLY the part where Sugarland was performing because the singer was wearing Barbie barf.
From the early 90s. NO I didn’t take a picture, who wants to remember that?

So Thia and Stefano are in the bottom 3 😦

Ew, Haley has a side-pony
Hrrm, and Naima is safe

And CASEY is in the bottom 3.
The hell (I honestly don’t care but it’s kind of the theme here)

Thia is safe…

and Stefano is safe! (the hell?)

CASEY had the least amount of votes!
The hell?

The hubby is shocked, as, it appears, is the crowd, but WHATEVER.
He started singing his song and the judges stopped him and they told him that he was saved, he didn’t even have to sing.

The look on his face is terrifying, only because I know he’s been sick and he was mouthing “I can’t breathe.”

He was like “Are you serious? Why are you DOING this to me?” lol (meaning they scared him).
Then, he ran into the audience to hug his mom.
It was SO cute.

Ryan brought it back down by saying “Well, this means that TWO people have to go home next week.”

“BUT…there won’t be a Top 10 tour, all ELEVEN of the contestants will be doing the tour.”
I’m pretty sure Casey is going to need a defibrillator.


Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

It’s Time for Your Weekly American Idol Exam

Posted by The Bludge on March 10, 2010

If I got paid to blog, I would be getting paid for eating Cocoa Krispies right now.
I mean….fiber. Some…healthy…fiber.
Uhhh, shit, what is healthy and made of fiber?
Yes, of course.
I’m eating Twine.

Anywhore (hi Diane), let’s get to talking about American Idol – the Top 8 femme’s!!

Shit’s getting pretty serious now, I mean, this is the last show where the boys and girls are split.
Now that I think about it, that will be nice, I’ll only have to ignore my children two days a week instead of three.
Hey, don’t blame me, America. Blame American Idol, America.

You know, though I have liked a lot of the contestants, I have never IDOLIZED any of them. I’ve undressed more than a few of them (with my eyes people), but some of the people I idolize are that asshole that made the Snuggie (fucking genius. Asshole genius.) and the creator of the compostable-in-less-than-2-weeks Sun Chips bag that is louder than a cheaply-made-movie thunder storm (Seriously, find one of the new bags and crinkle it, I dare you.).

Um, so…American Idol, right!?!?

We are down to 8 “women” and this week the show is only an hour (THANK YOU BABY JESUS) but we don’t get fun intro videos about how Haeley likes to pet cats and Katie can cross her eyes, and Paige once shook the hand of someone who looked like Reggie Jackson but she doesn’t really know who Reggie Jackson is so prolly it wasn’t him anyway.

I’m sorry, I probably should have warned you that before the Cocoa Krispies I may or may not (HINT: it’s MAY!) have had some coffee.

Because Fox knows you’re a moron and you’ve forgotten all about how they tried to make it seem like Ellen and Simon hated each other, they treated us to this lovely image


So Katie Stevens went first.
You may remember that Katie is 17 and, in her attempts to sound young, she has sung a song by a 34 year old, and a 31 year old.
Following an easy (but not helpful) mathematical formula, she is singing Kelly Clarkson today.
If you guessed that Kelly is 28, you’re right! (Yay! You can subtract!).
If Katie is still around for week 92 of Idol she may just get around to actually singing a song by someone relative to her age!! (SPOILER: If she were around for 4 more weeks it could happen except she’ll be sent home this Thursday).
Katie warbled through Kelly Clarkson’s song “Breakaway”.

It was not great.
She was pitchy and she just came off so…high school musical.
Not like the MOVIE High School Musical, but campy like she was singing at her high school’s musical.

So yeah…just like the movie.
I agree with Ellen, Katie is just presenting the songs to us, she isn’t really PERFORMING them.

Also, she had stupid pants


Siobhan gave us another weird-but good performance.
She sang “House of the Rising Sun” which she started out singing a capella!

I thought her voice was dead-on and even though it’s a fucked up song choice, I still loved it and her voice is pretty bitchin.

Lacey Brown sang Brandy Carlisle’s “The Story” which I’ve never heard and unless you’re an emo 23 year old you probably haven’t either.
Lacey is just…..odd.
She’s got this rocker look and yet she sings like….like Dolly Parton mixed with….I dunno, Dido?
Her voice is great this week but this song….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Katelyn Epperly sang Carol King’s “I Feel the Earth Move”.
I didn’t think the song was going to work, and well, it didn’t.
Also, homegirl played the keyboard.
That would be fine if she was singing Devo or something from the 80s/early 90s.
I thought for SURE Simon would say the word “karaoke” and DAMN did he get close, instead he said “restaurant singer”.
Her voice is ok and I don’t know if I’d buy her albums but I would totally make out with her in a back booth at a seedy bar.

Didi Benami sang Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon”
I wasn’t sure WHAT to expect because I dislike Stevie Nicks and I wasn’t sure this song would sound “very current” but I liked it.
I LOVE me some Didi, though.
She even looks like she should be singing this song today.


Simon said she was the best of the night! Siobhan was a damned close second then.
Ok, I actually went back and listened to them both again and yeah, Didi was pretty much perfect!
Damn, I’d like to take Didi to an amusement park and ride the log flume with her.
That’s not a euphemism, it just sound like fun.

Was it Bring Your Kid to Work day? Because someone let a 12 year old do these seriously lame dual-shot-camera action


I would like to mention 2 things, first: I think Kara is wearing a Paula cast-off


Second, and you’ll be thankful that I DON’T have a photographic example, I can’t stop staring at Ellen’s neck. I know I’m trying not to pick on people because of their appearance but that doololly just seems out of place!!

Putting the last nail in the coffin of Simon’s very mistaken early opinion of her having the best voice out of all of the contestants, Paige Miles attempted to sing very seriously and she was so nervous and shaky and out of pitch (like crappy presidential-first-pitch-of-the-season pitchy) and 17 different kinds of awful.
Also, her outfit was less than satisfactory.

Before, I could never understand what the hell the judges meant by “We don’t know what kind of artist you are” but now I totally get it. You can’t just sing a song, you have to know it inside and out, be intimate with it, take it to bed, give it a back massage, braid its hair, whisper sweet nothings into….


Good for Simon, he’s doing his monthly breast exam


Crystal Bowersox didn’t surprise anyone by giving another good performance, she sang “Gimme One Reason” by Tracy Chapman.
I’m curious as to why there’s an old-timey amp on the stage


WAIT! A clue to what was wrong with her last week!?! After she finished singing she sat on the amp to talk to the judges.

What does that mean?

Lilly Scott closed the show playing a ukelele to Patsy Cline’s “I Fall to Pieces” (actually Randy said it was a mandolin).
Ok, this is a SAD song and she’s making it sound really trite.
This song is WAY too major and epic and passionate and Lilly is RUINING it with her annoying-and very sharp-voice.
WHAT!? Randy liked this performance?!?
And Ellen?
PHEW, thank God Simon didn’t blow smoke up her arse too!

Also, she is wearing dust bunnies as earrings


Here is my ranking:
#1. Didi
#2. Siobhan
#3. Crystal
#4. Lacey
#5. Katelyn
#6. Lilly
#7 Katie
#8. Paige

Bye bye girls!

NOTE: Sorry that my pictures are so small and sucky, I recorded the NON HD version sort of on purpose but also, there were squirrels involved and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Suffice to say, don’t wear white after Labor Day.

Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »