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Posts Tagged ‘episode 22’

F U in the I

Posted by The Bludge on April 8, 2011


Do not adjust your screens ladies and gentlemen, your contact lenses and glasses are fine

This is not total eye fuckery, this is alive(?) Steven Tyler and his waxy likeness from the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, because this week, the contestants are singing songs by people/bands that were inducted into the Hall of Fame.


Will.i.am was there to help jacket/hat guy. He seemed very pleased.


#1
Jacob is doing Man in the Mirror

He was going to do “Let’s Get it On” but I’m kinda glad that he didn’t. He is too over-the-top-queeny to pull off sexy MANLINESS.

There’s a lady on the stage singing too and OMG WHY are they thrusting their crotches at each other?

AWKWARD

That was actually pretty boring, I didn’t love it.
I mean, I love HIM but…it wasn’t GREAT.

I’m sure it was much better in person.


I think my kid made Randy’s jacket out of Duck tape

Yes, DUCK tape, because we don’t use the bo bo brand duct tape.


#2
Haley is singing Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”

Oh, her voice IS perfect for this song!

!!

She isn’t growling TOO too much.

Aaaand now they did two weird-ass breaks in the song that totally fucked it all up. It was just a removal of guitar and stuff and mostly a bass beat and WHAT THE FUCK?
THIS IS JANIS JOPLIN, not Rhianna.

Also, her last run was too random but I really did love the rest of the song.

#3
Casey was going to sing “Every Little Thing She Does” but instead did “Have you Ever Seen the Rain” by CCR
And he’s playing the ginormous bass.
What’s with the guy playing the eukelele?

And, he’s making I’m-gonna-eat-your-face faces again.

This song is monumentally lame.

At least he isn’t making scary faces the entire time…he also made silly faces.

Steven Tyler thinks Casey should turn his bass into a car.
WTF?

Now he’s talking about Casey’s package.

NEXT!


#4
Lauren is gonna sing Aretha’s “Natural Woman”

What the hell is she wearing?

It’s totally giving her a polterwang.
Oh right, the girls are wearing Gwen Stefani’s crap.

And her hair…

All she needs is a nose-ring connected to an earring.

Are her feet glued to that spot on the stage?
MEH


#5
James is going to slow it down with “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”
I think this will be good, so long as he’s not too twitchy.

Ok, back lighting and big ears do NOT mix, producers.

Well, he just started his scream/yell and apparently that was the end of the song.

That was weird.

It was just like…..oh…it’s…over.

And he’s all crying. Awwww

Steven just said “Not only did your guitar gently weep, so did you.”
UGH.


#6
Scotty is gonna slaughter Elvis’s “That’s All Right Mama.”

I HATE the way he holds the mic.

IT’S NOT A FLUTE

Today, since Casey will be eating your face, Scotty will be eating your hair…

And suddenly there are girls that RAN up on stage and mobbed him and then they were gone.

What?
Oh, I see what they did there, cuz he sang an Elvis song. UGH, producers. UGH.

Steven said to him “I thought you were all hat and no cattle.”

Seriously…I am SO glad Paula’s back this year!!

#7
Pia is singing Tina Turner’s “River Deep Mountain High”

Oh my damn.
She’s wearing a floppy cow suit.

Look at that GIANT CROTCH!!

The only thing it’s missing is udders.
Wait, is that one there?

omg her butt-crack starts at the bottom of her hair. Perhaps all of that rope was cutting off the oxygen to her brains.

Oh, and also, she sang.


#8
Stefano is singing “When a Man loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge

He is throwing himself into the singing and it’s MUCH better than before, because he isn’t just smiling the whole friggen time.
He hits all of his notes every week


#9
So, PAUL is singing Johnny Cash’s “Folsum Prison Blues”

What the deuce?

It’s just…noisy.

Ok, it’s a little better than usual.

At least he wasn’t totally singing like his pants were full of helium.
But, this is not the face of a convict:

My living room consensus is that Paul did well.


So, my favorite performance was Haley.

I know, it wasn’t Pia!

Here we go, ranking on best overall performance (singing/performing):
1) Haley
2) Stefano
3) Paul
4) James
5) Pia
6) Jacob
7) Lauren
8 ) Casey
9) Scotty

I’m guessing the bottom 3 are Casey, Lauren, and Pia


OK, now to the results show!


OMG Jennifer.

No.

Randy and Sally Jesse Raphael aren’t looking too much better either, but really…Jennifer!?
NO.

Also, Steven’s pants are so tight I can see how many sperm he doesn’t have left.


So first up: Casey, Stefano, and Lauren’s GIANT OUTFIT

Casey and Lauren are safe, Stefano is in the bottom 3

šŸ˜¦

Guest appearance time!
WHY is Constantine Mouralis singing this song?
He’s singing “Lean On Me” or some similar song and WHAT THE HELL. If he was promoting an album, why wouldn’t it be an original song?

We had to fast forward because he looked like someone that we all had bad memories of, yech.
The only watchable part of that was when they showed a picture of his new baby girl,

which spawned this discussion in my living room:
“Hey, what’s that baby doing lying on a plate of grits?”
“That’s not grits, it’s CLEARLY cream cheese on a Triscuit”
“…laying on a bed of hair”


Anyway, Pia, Paul, and Scotty are up next

Damn, Pia’s FINE.

Scotty is safe. Paul is safe. And PIA is not safe.

Ok, this is something I do not want to be right about y’all!

Now James, Jacob, and Haley are up.

GAH. Is it Jacob? Cuz he was boring.

Ok, James is safe.

GAH GAH GAH

And Haley is safe!
PHEW!

Bottom 3 are Jacob, Pia, and Stefano

Are we kicking Stefano off for wearing those suspenders?

Dang, time for a commercial break…and now a guest appearance by…
OMG IGGY POP IS NOT NOT NOT OK IN HD
BAD Fox, BAD!!

Fuck America in the EYE

Pia was voted off of the show.

Well, I think we all know that if she doesn’t get a recording contract she can do either one of two things, modeling or stripping.


Personally, I hope she chooses the latter.

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Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 10, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

AmericanĀ Mediocre

Posted by The Bludge on March 25, 2010

Top 11!!!!!!!!!!!


This week everyone will be singing #1 Hits on the Billboard Charts!!

Thank God there’s only about 700 million songs to choose from because I’d hate for them to be confused or overwhelmed.
(Actually, I think the real number was about 2,080. Except I’m sure that there were some repeat offenders in there.)
UPDATE – Wiki says there’s been 983 different #1 hits and it MUST be true cuz I read it one the intartubes.

The way it seemed though, it was ILLEGAL to sing a song that has been popular in the last 60 years.


Apparently the world is coming to an end and God DOES hate me because MILEY CYRUS was the MENTOR for this week.
MILEY.
FUCKING.
CYRUS.

MENTORING.

YES! I SAID MILEY CYRUS!!

WTF!?

I do NOT fault her that she is 17 and giving advice because it’s impossible to argue that she has a LOT of experience in both TV, movie, and performing.
Note – I did NOT mention in ANY of that, actual singing.

Miley Cyrus has as much business mentoring American Idol contestants as Ellen Degeneres does judgi….oh shit.

Ok, well Miley Cyrus mentoring American Idol contestants makes as much sense as Jim Carey coaching Johnny Depp in acting.

I mean, did the producers not hear Miley’s performance last year!?!!?
It sounded like kicking a Pomeranian into a virgin’s vagina.


#1 Lee Dewyze
Look, I’m not big on remembering people’s names from whatever band and stuff, so when I heard Alex Chilton died, I said, “Who?” and then I didn’t bother listening to the answer cuz really? I don’t care.
I mean, I didn’t know who he was when he was alive, so it’s not like I should give a shit exactly who he is now, ok? Not that he wasn’t important, I’m sure to some people he was, but I have already spent about 5 minutes too long of my life talking about the guy.
ANYloser, Lee sang one of that dead guy’s songs, “The Letter” by The Box Tops or some shit. I guess that Alex person wrote it or whatever.

I wouldn’t know HALF of these songs by their name-unless I hear them, I have NO idea.

Lee’s performance was kinda bluesy jazzy and I liked it! He’s like a more-attractive version of that glasses/dead-wife guy from last season. You know, that guy…what’s his name? DANNY! Danny Gokey, that’s it!
Yeah, so Lee is like, a little better looking, but also probably about 14 times dumber (I’m just guessing, I mean, mixing paint isn’t exactly rocket science).
He’s probably better in bed though.
What?!?
Roughnecks usually are more fun.

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Lee. So he needs to connect with the audience more, he was mostly just shifting around on the stage and doing this twitchy thing with his left hand – it was just flailing about randomly like a ham sandwich with a dying rat inside of it.

Um, I think I had too much sugar today.
Anyhighschooldropout, I kind of agree with Simon that his song wasn’t something that would be on the radio, I mean, I wouldn’t buy the single but this is fucking American Idol.
And have you heard the shit they put on the radio?
“Umbrella ella ella”
“GA GA OOH LALA CA CA POO POO”

I think Lee did a really good job, the arrangement was fresh and fun and other than not wanting to actually WATCH him perform, I think it was his best performance. (lol)


#2 Paige Miles
Supposedly, Paige was going to sing “Against All Odds”, which is a Phil Collins song that Mariah Carey decided to dig up and assfuck and re-bury.
I’m pretty sure the majority of humans and dogs in the listening area wish that it had never resurfaced.
The word “pitchy” doesn’t even come CLOSE to the fuckery that was presented.
It was worse than karaoke at 1am when all the drunk girls that haven’t found some penis to go home with have gotten all emotional and start thinking they can sing like Mariah.
She sounded best last week when she had laryngitis and I really really REALLY hope (times a bajillion) that she goes home.


#3 Tim Urban sang Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and it was cheesy and vanilla and corny – apparently there was a lot of food involved.
He played to his fan base of tween girls and I’m sure they’ll vote for his cute little tush even though his singing was VERY plain/boring.


#4 Aaron “I’ll sound SO different when I hit puberty” Kelly.
Uh oh, little Aaron has laryngitis AND tonsillitis!!
Out of all of the contestants I didn’t peg him to be making out with Paige, but ok.

So it was HILARIOUS to hear little Aaron’s little-boy voice and then Miley Cyrus’s 50-year-old-2-pack-of-Marlboro-Reds-a-day-habit voice.

ANYtinypecker, Aaron sang Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” and the very first thing he did (I think?) was cough into the mic. Heh.
Ok, he has a great voice, and for his age he has some SERIOUS control, I actually enjoy his muted runs.

If anything detracted from his performance it was not his being sick, he just needs an eyebrow wax.

Side note – if that is what laryngitis does, could I have some, please?


#5 Crystal SHOCKINGLY sang “Me and Booby (typo and it stays) McGee” (SHOCKING!)

SOOOOOOO typical and NOT special and SAFE SAFE SAFE for her.
We all know she can sing that same old shit, what she REALLY needs to sing is Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.”


#6 Big Mike
LOVED his time with Miley, he wasn’t intimidated even though she could probably tan a bit more and successfully disguise herself as one of his fingers.
He was just so COOL and comfortable.
I was wondering how they find clothes for him though.

Mike decided to sing “When A Man Loves A Woman” and OMG IT WAS TERRIBLE!!!!!
Not his singing or anything, he’s great, but my HORMONES!! GTFO already!! WTF, nature?

I do have to say to Mike though, stop licking your lips, you are NO LLCoolJ.


#7 Andrew bored the CRAP right out of my butt with “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye.
UGH. I already don’t like it, he’s sung about 4 notes and they’re ALL BORING.
I’m not sure which is worse, Paige sucking so bad or Andrew being boring as BALLS.
He’s acting really weird – more talkative/flirty – is he drunk?


#8 Katie Stevens, still confused apparently on what age she actually is, sang Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”.
Yes, it was a pop song that probably young girls like, but…
Fergie is 35.
Katie was pitchy but I think it might have been her best performance yet, even though she can’t really pull off the sassy attitude that she was attempting.


#9 Schmuck, I mean, Casey sang Huey Lewis’s “Power of Love”
but not before he told Miley Cyrus “I’m a big fan of your………Dad’s.”
Wow. I’m not a Miley fan but that was pretty fucked up.

So…he sounds EXACTLY like Huey and I’m trying to figure out why this song is interesting at all and I figured out why I couldn’t, cuz it WASN’T.

Side note – How can Ellen’s face be SO smooth and her neck be SO…..DOOLOLLY

#10 Didi!
She sang “You’re No Good” by Linda Rontdtstadtdt
She was a little too scowly, the song was OK, but it just was……I dunno, lacking something.

Ok contestants, I have heard “I had fun” too many times.
Stop saying “I had fun.”
I don’t give a FUCK.
You are there to entertain ME bitch.


#11 Siobhan sang one of my FAVORITE songs of ALLTIME, Stevie Wonder’s Superstition.
It is EPIC.
For Siobhan, it’s just too…..singy. It needs more funk.

Oh honey, no. STOP FUCKING SCREAMING.
YOU are NO Adam Lambert.
When Simon said last week, “You’re almost going to have to do the scream every week” he was NOT being SERIOUS.


So, that’s it!!
Here’s my ranking:

#1. Lee
#2. Aaron
#3. Mike
#4. Siobhan
#5. Katie
#6. Crystal
#7. Didi
#8. Casey
#9. Tim
#10. Andrew
#11. Paige

Dear 7 pound 9 ounce baby Jesus, PLEASE get rid of Paige. Maybe bring her back next year after she has some singing lessons and/or just give her permanent laryngitis.



GREAT NEWS!!!! PAIGE IS GONZO!!!!!


Posted in American Idol, bludge, Season 9, TV | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »