LAllywood

Today we are watching auditions in LA or Hollywood or some vapid city.

Also, they are showing the good people from the 16,000 submissions via MySpace.
MYSPACE?!?!?
Hold on, I’ve got to dial-in by modem to check my AOL…

Ok you guys, Randy is wearing Gold Lamé shoes.

I guess I could have just written “lame”.

Jennifer Lopez is pretty boring-looking today, but still nice:

Our first reject, Victoria, believes that God brought the entire auditions to LA for HER.
Modest.
Nope, no picture. She was one of THOSE people. Those people that know damned well that they would be more useful to society by turning into compost.
She blamed her complete lack of talent on her nerves.
Her nerves must hate her.
And us.

Tim H sang a song with 2 and a half notes. He could hit the notes (all both of them) but there was no meat behind his voice, no strength.
No picture.

Daniel and Isaac are friends.

Daniel (L) sucks really hardcore. Isaac is the cute one but in addition to disappointing his parents on national TV because he dropped out of college (and hadn’t told them yet) he also butchered “Build Me Up Buttercup”.

Karen Rodriguez was a Myspace contestant and she had a great voice, great control.

Tynisha is a joke.
She’s “met some other artistes” and she has 3 albums that are ready to be composed.
She ralphed all over Christina Aguilera’s “Impossibowl” (her pronunciation).
Then she chased Randy off the stage.
No really, he couldn’t take any more and walked off and she chased after him, still singing.
Poor Randy.

Heidi is a belly dancer who can also sing apparently.
They didn’t show much of the singing part.

I think you see why.

Matt was not photographed.
Matt, was ugly.
I know, it’s not really fair, but he was ugly inside and out.
I think he tried to throw out a rhyme, and theoretically sang something.
It was not good.
I did NOT want to take a picture of that.

Then there were a LOT of bad people. BAD.

Brothers, Mark and Aaron were a lot of fun

It’s like Balky squared!
They sang a duet, “Lean On Me”
It was actually quite good and they made it through.

The last guy is Cooper who is probably about 67 years old. Wait, he says he’s 59.
MY BAD.
I’m not sure whether he’s on PCP or meth.
The judges are afraid and shockingly he actually walks off without needing a big burly escort.
I don’t know how I didn’t get a picture of this guy except I guess I was waiting to get a picture of him being shown the door.

So, next up is San Francisco!!
I’m catching up because I had the Black Death and my throat got so raw I had to shellac it with Lidocaine.
No lie, it was very gaggy. At least it didn’t have a taste.
Oh wait, I’m sick, I can’t taste anything.
Ahh well, the Nyquil is kicking in and I fsklahvrnvjdtjfkeldljsdhfgkfggggggggggggggg

A Picture is Worth Less Than $1

Bad news, I’ve had some technical difficulties and can’t currently post pix for my American Idol Bludges.
The good news, is that I never used to post pictures, so this might be funny anyway, though I doubt it.
Without further ado…

Lookit the guest judge y’all!
It’s Doogie Howser!!
Doogie says to Kara “My goal today, Kara, is to shatter the dreams of thousands.”
The Bludge: *rubbing hands together* “Eeeeeeeexcellent”

A repeat offender, Julie Keveligh, tries to catch the judges attention with an ice dancing outfit straight out of the Tonya Harding fashion line…with eye shadow to match (blue of course!). I imagine she sings as well as Tonya, too.

This gal attempts to sing “Black Velvet” (she enunciates like English is not her first language), then “Over the Rainbow” and finally, while the judges are shouting at her “NO! For the love of all that is good in this world, STOP SINGING!” at her, she sings “Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About”.
I’m pretty sure I’ve already talked about her enough.

Next up was Lloyd “Big Suck Sexy” (his words!) Thomas.

He’s an airline dock worker who says “The worst part about my job that I have, is my job that I have.”
*snortlaugh*

He can sing, but I don’t want to hear anyone say “Awwww, he’s a big teddy bear!” Jive turkey is fat.
Ain’t nobody see a big fat mama and say “Damn, she sexy.” No. They say, “Mooooooooooooo.”

Miss Kimberly Carver sang an original song that wasn’t quite original enough for Simon, who called her “boring, not current, and not interesting.”

The other judges, however, liked her and put her through. I like her personality and I’m looking forward to her wow’ing everyone in Hollywood.

Dexter Ward scares me
I wasn’t going to elaborate, there would’ve been a pic here to show you why, but since my plans were changed for me…Dexter Ward is in DESPERATE need of a gaykover (it’s like a makeover. For gays.) I thought the gay boys dressed well. This is cable TV!!! WHERE ARE MY STEREOTYPES!? I REQUIRE THEM!!

Erica Rose cleansed my eyeball palette by wearing not-a-lot of shiny black vinyl and using (not just carrying) a whip!
A WHIP!

I IMMEDIATELY forgot about that…um…*drool*…sorry, what was I saying?
Honestly, her face is so petite and cute, which fits, seeing as she was on BARNEY when she was younger…
*blink*
OMG, now I feel dirty.
Simon asked Erica “What’s your dream here?” And before she could answer continues “I know what MINE is.” ROFL
Ditto!!

Dave Pittman, from Arkansas (I hope you pronounced that ARR-CAN-ZUHS), has a nice voice and it’s not boy-bandy (it’s a word, now).
He has Terets but it doesn’t affect him while he’s singing, how cool is that!?
Also, he doesn’t scream obscenities, which is good for Fox.

Speaking of the NKOTB, Joe Jonas is Dallas Day 2’s guest judge.
Which one is he again? The gay one?

First on Day 2 is Todrick Hall
Why does he have two first names all squished into one? Was his mother not sure if it was Tod or Rick that knocked her up?
Stop throwing your shoes at me.

Todrick made up a song for/about the judges, and it was quite amusing-you’d have to hear it to appreciate it.
He’s a good singer and was apparently in “The Color Purple” with Fantasia, which is like saying you were Weird Al’s triangle player.

Continuing in the weird naming convention vein is Dawntoya Thomason.
Dawntoya.
Doesn’t that just flow right off of your…no. No, it doesn’t.

I don’t know about you, but I kind of wanted to punch Stephanie Daulong about the face to try and knock that gawd-awful headband off of her melon. It wasn’t so much a headband as it was a bandana wrapped around her head and then pushed up to make her look like she really should’ve fixed her hair after she got out of bed this morning.

Next up was Maegan Wright, who was channeling Martha Dumptruck a la “TEENAGE SUICIDE” (don’t do it) in a very LARGE-worded T-shirt. I don’t know what it said.
Kara thought, because of Maegan’s outfit, that she was going to be a joke!! OUCH!!
She made it through to Hollywood, though.
When her info popped up and read her occupation as “cosmetologist” my kid says “Is that like, a space person?”
*sigh* I wish I could say it was my younger child…

Malibu Barbie barfed all over Vanessa Johnston.
Seriously, her entire outfit-including tights/leggings and gym shorts-was BRIGHT PINK with some EXTRA BRIGHT BLUE and stuff mixed in.

Barf is pretty much how I would describe her singing.

Last, but not least, is poor little white black girl, Christian Spear(s?).

Stay with me here!
Poor, because she was diagnosed with Leukemia at age 4 (she’s been in remission for 8 years now, though!).
White, because she’s a LOT lighter than her Mom.
And black, because her Mom is clearly of darker-skinned persuasion.
Anyhoodle, I didn’t really like her voice that much. I was VERY NOT FOND of the way she kept snapping her jaw around, BUT, I like HER.

In closing, I would like to tell you how crazy I have become being stuck at home with the children for a week straight because of snOMGeddon 2010 …but I think this picture speaks for itself:

DISCLAIMER: That is NOT my picture. I do not have permission to post it but I don’t think all both of you that read my blog are going to tell on me. Right? RIGHT? Right.
Ok ok, that picture belongs to: http://blogs.woodtv.com/2009/02/06/snowiest-winter/ and you should all go visit their website and be like, WOW this woman gave you some publicity and you should totally send her a check!!