Dislike

So, don’t buy this. It’s edible but doesn’t taste like Pad Thai. It has a boring brown sauce that isn’t even spicy (which was fine with me since I don’t like spicy).

I’m sure this seems like an odd post after not having updated in a while but I feel compelled to share my disappointment in this product because I am a lactard and this soupy thing is vegan so I was hoping it was consumable since it is hard to find prepared food that doesn’t contain some form of cow teet-juice.

Can you suggest a similar product?

Topple 3

OMG!
TOP 3!!!!
SO EXCITING!!!11oneeleven

Beyonce is the kids’ mentor!
Oh, I used to have such a crush on Beyonce’s inner thighs.
OMG, who just wrote that!!?

The kids are starting with their favorite songs.

Scotty is starting off the lean..errr show by singing something by Lonestar, “Amazed”.
I LOVE Lonestar. Their bacon-wrapped steak is AWESOME.

I am shocked. SHOCKED. That scotty is leaning on a piano

And of COURSE he’s wearing a cross. That’s what southern boys do.
Especially when they want the Christian vote.

This is BORING. His voice is not being heard. I mean, you’d think I’d be ok with that, but the only good part of that song was the high note that he hit. At the end, and I’m not saying that this time to be mean, it’s just that he actually held a note, and it was actually pretty, but the rest of the song was a snoozefest.

Lauren is next with “Wild One” by Faith Hill. This was the first song I heard Faith sing and I just loved it. I’m more of a Martina fan, though.
This is too fast to appreciate her voice. Oh ugh, and she just hit a really ugly note. She’s kind of all over the damn place. The song was WAY too ADHD. It was a virtual toddler running between legos and food.
JLo actually said it was good, I can’t wait to hear Randy’s judgement because I think he likely agrees with me. Oh…nope.

Also, what the hell is she wearing?

Her head is ready for a luau, her mid-section just left the set of Star Trek-Vegas, and her feet just got back from a southern beauty pageant where she came in Poor.

And the crotch-level camera….WHY!?!?

Oh, boy! Haley is going to do Led Zeppelin!!!
In the preview video she mentioned wanting her Dad to play on stage with her and there’s a guy playing guitar on stage and if that is her Dad I am going to cry.
This is really cool, the song I mean.
Maybe only us old people will like it.

Oh dear, she just fell running back to the stage but she recovered well.
It helped that the cameras were panned waaaay out.

Hmm, it’s not quite enough singing.

OMG it IS her Dad!!
Awwwwwwwwwwwww *sniff*

Ok, so now the contestants are going to sing songs picked by Jacket/Hat.
Scotty is going to annoy the crap out of people that can stand up straight and also don’t make rap gestures like Vanilla Ice, with “Are You Going to Kiss Me or Not” by Thompson Square (? Dunno, don’t care)
I don’t think I know this song. How is that possible? I thought I knew all songs.

The only good thing about this performance is Scotty’s shirt.

And the fun he had singing it…that part was good.

Before, Lauren sings, I must warn you that my “friend” Steve is about to pay me a visit and (for those of you that don’t know who Steve is, you will get it in a sec) I am ridic emotional right now and everything is making me want to cry.

OH NO, and now…I’ll BRB, gotta go slit my wrists, Lauren was SIX YEARS OLD when she first started watching Idol.
UGH.

Jacket/Hat is having her sing “If I Die Young” by some people named something-Perry.

She looks really cute

It seems to happen about every 5th performance-that she gets the wardrobe right. Unfortunately it’s usually something so unbelievably unflattering she looks like a very pale Jolly Green Giant.

I think she just missed something, but whatevs, it doesn’t matter. The song is ok.

My phone is being a C-word that rhymes with RUNT and my trying to call to vote for Haley is being massively slowed.

Steven Tyler is a waste of chair…at least for this show. He does not have his proper level of medication needed to talk about matchsticks and duck fucking.

Jacket/Hat chose “Rhiannon” for Haley (I remember when my fave, Didi, last year sang it…what ever happened to her?)
OH FUCKING YAY!!! I can’t wait to hear this!!!
She mentioned hoping she remembered the words and I REALLY hope she doesn’t forget any.

EW. The woman singing harmony needs to GO. That woman is either off-key or just has a naturally irritating voice.

Honestly? It was nice, but I couldn’t hear her enough.

I didn’t take many pictures of Haley so here’s her face:

So now they’re playing Beyonce’s new music video (remember those!?!?) and it’s bizarre (of course?).
It’s like steppin’ mixed with poppin n lockin mixed with Barbarella and latex.

The judges have picked the last songs for the contestants and Scotty will be singing “She Believes in Me” by Kenny RogZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Welcome back! Lauren will be singing “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack.
Oh god, this is a BIG SONG.
Aaaaannnd she’s wearing cotton candy

She’s putting more vibrato into the high note than Lee Ann, that’s pretty impressive.
I could do with a little less attitude from Lauren, I mean, this song is pretty calm and reflective so sass isn’t really aprapos, but then she did put some guts into a couple parts of the song that really made it hers.

Oh, and Lee Ann Womack is totally MY good friend, too. (You had to watch to get that)

Haley is going to wrap up the show with, “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrissette

*blink*

Erm, I dunno…

Nope!
Too low. WAY too low.

Well, everything but the low notes parts are really great…soooooo…really just some of the chorus.
I don’t know whether she’s been pushing her voice and she usually could hit the low notes but just couldn’t right now, but if not, then they really needed to have done something different there.

So that’s it!
I hope you people voted for Haley!!
Or at LEAST Lauren.

DEAR GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET SCOTTY WIN.

I dunno folks, I’d rather Scotty left, but I think it’s true that more females than males watch this show and they are more likely to vote for a guy because they’re catty hateful bitches and are jealous of the girls’ talent and young age so they are unknowingly resentful. Umm, I think. Or maybe I’m projecting a little.

So, I think the winner of this show, is………….

Randy!

He finally looks cute.

I Don’t Know What’s Going On Here

This episode’s songs are songs that some guys wrote… or something?

And Lady Gaga is mentoring or performing or in an egg somewhere.

James is singing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin”.
Oh boy!!!
I know he can do this, and as long as he doesn’t get too excited, he won’t overshoot those big high notes.

He nailed it all. His vibrato is really impressive. Hah, even the judges commented on that. Because yeah, not everyone can do that.

Haley is doing Michael Jackson’s….ummmm….something Michael Jackson sang.

It IS just like Michael Jackson…her hair’s on fire.

Wow, holy cats, this song is BORING.

UGH, she is YELLING THIS ENTIRE HALF OF THE SONG.

DAMNIT. I can’t imagine that will get her a lot of votes. I didn’t love it. She CAN sing so she did NOT have to holler at us.

JLo looked PISSED. Aaaaand so did Haley. Yuck.
Oh UGH, and she’s arguing.
I HATE THAT.
It does NOT change America’s mind. You’re TWENTY ONE. You’re arguing with people AT LEAST twice your age and you’re not right.
And neither is Steven Tyler.

JustSHUTUPshutupshutup!!

WHY does Ryan keep calling him “Scotty the Body?”

EW.
Scotty is not going to do justice to “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning” by the only man in country, (as far as I’m concerned) Alan Jackson.

OH CRAP.

Well of COURSE he’s safe this week.

He’s “trying not to cry” which also translates to “trying not to get kicked off” (and unfortunately doing it very well).
The performance is BORING. AS. HELL.

Lauren is singing “Anyway” by Martina McBride
Oh noooooo, I’m gonna CRY.
Oh, she’s really doing well!!
Her voice broke a little bit and it scared her, it was obvious, but she pushed it and hit the next buncha notes, and then it seemed like she backed off a bit.
whatevs, she did great.

Haley is singing “I Who Have Nothing” and I have no idea what this is.
It seems another song that no one knows and likely won’t be able to feel a connection.

Actually, it was powerful because of her connection and commitment.
She really delivered the song, and got a standing ovation from the judges!

Scotty is singing “Young Blood” by the Coasters.
And Gaga told him to sing straight into the mic like it’s a big hot dog.
Realizing that worked for HER and maybe not this country boy she changed it and told him to make out with the mic like it’s his girlfriend.
I’m still not sure he knew what she meant.
And from the way he’s fluting the mic AGAIN, I’m mostly certain now.

Lauren had some shelving installed since her last song.

She’s singing “Trouble” by Elvis Presley
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet. I love me some Elvis; though I’m not familiar with this song.
She was afraid of the song a little bit because she says “I’m evil” and Gaga walked her through it.
Silly.

This song just got a little too fast for her.
She’s trying to sing like Haley and it ain’t workin.
I actually didn’t like her singing “I’m evil” over and over again. It was just…weird.
Before the song I thought it was just one line and she needed to get over it, but NOW it just…I dunno. I didn’t like it.

James is singing “Love Potion #9”
It was fun watching Lady Gaga surprise him by forcing him to dance while they were practicing.
The song is kind of overpowering him and he’s not really SINGING.
Well, he wasn’t until just at the end, where he pulled out his high notes.

So…
now I’m watching the results show and the first person that is in the Top 3 is Lauren.
I’m pretty sure they called her name first for a few reasons.
First, she prolly would’ve had a nervous breakdown if she was made to wait.
Also, I think that next they are going to say that Scotty is in, so that there is a lot of drama of the “OMG IS IT JAMES OR HALEY?!?!?!?!”
It’ll prolly be James.
And I will say fuck you to America again.

Ok, so Lady Poop did the song that Haley had done that Lady GArgle only did at her shows and her singing is really great and I kind of wish she didn’t do all the over-the-top stuff

OH HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!
HALEY IS IN THE TOP 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Oh holy crap.
And SCOTTY is the third one in the top 3.

I hope someone will be posted in James’ hotel room to make sure he doesn’t kill himself later.

Like Ryan said “This was the point where Chris Daughtry was kicked off the show.” (Ok, I don’t think Ryan said it quite like that.)

Whoah. James is singing “Maybe I’m a Man” and he’s doing a great job and using that vibrato until he kissed his wife/girlfriend and lost it right before he was supposed to start singing some high notes.

Holy cats.

America…you are douchey.

Are We There Yet?

So, I barely watched last week’s results show, but the only part that mattered was that Casey was kicked off.
Well, that’s fine with me.
Can we get Pia back, though? We can kick Scotty off right now and then there’d be a spot open! At least for another week.

Jacket/Hat and icky dick-sucker-face Sheryl Crow are the mentors this week.

Ok, so I’m not supposed to be so critical of appearances anymore cuz it’s small-minded and hateful and stuff but I formed that opinion a very long time ago because I was a contrary, ornery bitch and if people liked something, I did NOT. It’s really hard to shake those opinions.
Also, working in retail and having the Top 40 songs play on a loop for 8 and a half straight hours didn’t help.

James was up first.
Did I mention his voice reminds me of Sebastian Bach?
He’s singing some song that is either titled “30 seconds to Mars” or that’s the name of the band. I don’t really care. No really, I don’t care, so don’t bother telling me in a note.

Um, is that a toupee?

Wait, didn’t I just say that I’m not supposed to make fun of people’s appearance?
Aww screw it.
This song is as boring as taking a lactose tolerance test.
(Trust me, it’s a loooong, boooring process.)

Jacob is singing “No air” by Jordan Sparks and that guy that beat up Rhianna and seriously needs to look into Zoloft.
Jacob’s singing both parts.
He’s moving so awkwardly.
In the middle of singing a word he’ll remember that he needs to be dancing and he’ll waggle his hips and then he’s back to concentrating on singing, then he’ll spasm again. Rinse, seizure, repeat, etc.
And he is SO not in tune when he’s concentrating on moving his body. And it’s not attractive.
Then again, I’m not a gay dood.

Lauren is next and I like her appearance!!!
She’s wearing black, YAY!
And her hips are wearing a necklace and it’s long and strandy (it’s a word, now) and it’s elongating her midsection instead of making her look like a troll doll.

I have no fucking clue what the hell she’s singing.
Apparently that was a Carrie Underwood song.
She has a great voice but she’s still so unsure of herself. TOTALLY understandable seeing as she’s 16, but still…

Scotty is going to be leaning into “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry.
Ok, I will NOT take a picture of his flute-mic tonight.
Oh, HAH! He is purposefully trying NOT to do that.
YAY!!
I actually like him more today, but I’m still not taking his picture.

Strike that, I hate him. He fluted the mic again.
This song is BORING.
Speaking of Gone…WHY IS SCOTTY NOT GONE!?!??

Haley
She’s doing a Lady Gaga song that isn’t released but Gag-gag does it at her shows apparently.
It appears to be a slow song.

What the fuck…Haley has hooves

I’m not sure she’s really connecting to the song right now.
But she’s killing it vocally.

James is back up for his 2nd song…
In his practice video he starts singing some slow song and lost it trying to sing this emotional song with Sheryl and then he told her and jacket/hat that he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t sing anymore, he was done for the day, and he walked off.
WOW.
That was ballsy.

So now he’s singing the song on stage and I think if he’s going to cry on live TV he’d better wait until the end. Like, as in, when he’s done.
I don’t know what the name of this song is but I know Mariah Carey sang the shit out of it.
And I can barely hear James at all, until he hit the higher register.
And he’s crying and still singing and yelling and not hitting notes and nowhere near in-tune.
Sorry, he doesn’t get a sympathy vote because SUCKITUP you’re on national TV and I like professional singers to act that way.

Ok, so when I cry I can’t even speak so I surely couldn’t sing so knowing he was crying and singing is pretty impressive.

Jacob is singing “Love Hurts”?
This kinda sucks.
Not the singing, he sings the hell out of everything, but he’s singing too high a register for me.
Prolly if I was there in person I would LOOOOOOOVE it.
But, I’m not.

Lauren is making the entire country do “the wave” in the form of a giant, continuous eye-roll.
She’s going to sing Unchained Melody.
UGH
I really don’t want to hear it AGAIN. This song is SO overplayed.

Oh, hey! She looks like a Barbie!

I mean like, Farrah Fawcett
She’s doing a fine job on this song.
Oh that was EXCELLENT!
She really just pushed herself and really endeared herself to me and prolly at least a billion other people, since my heart is made out of a big hunk of lead wrapped in iron.
And then I think she was supposed to hit up some big/high notes again but her voice broke; but she was just great.
Yes. I said it.

Off topic, WHY ARE THE CAMERAS ALWAYS AT CROTCH LEVEL!?!???!??!!??

Scotty is singing Elvis Presley

BORING.

Haley’s last song is “The House of the Rising Sun” by the Animals.
She’s singing the beginning a capella.
I love her voice, but I’m not quite sure I want to hear this song.
Ok, actually, I quite liked it. She got a standing O from the judges.
Even my husband liked it and he’s kinda picky about bluesy songs.
She really does have an amazing voice.

And, she’s no Pia, but she’s nice to look at

Well, if Haley gets voted off it won’t be because I wasn’t voting for her.

I’m guessing Jacob is leaving.

HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS!!
I WAS RIGHT!
Jacob got voted off!

It’s not Scotty, but at least it’s not Haley!

Let’s remember what is important here: I was right.

F U in the I

Do not adjust your screens ladies and gentlemen, your contact lenses and glasses are fine

This is not total eye fuckery, this is alive(?) Steven Tyler and his waxy likeness from the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, because this week, the contestants are singing songs by people/bands that were inducted into the Hall of Fame.

Will.i.am was there to help jacket/hat guy. He seemed very pleased.

#1
Jacob is doing Man in the Mirror

He was going to do “Let’s Get it On” but I’m kinda glad that he didn’t. He is too over-the-top-queeny to pull off sexy MANLINESS.

There’s a lady on the stage singing too and OMG WHY are they thrusting their crotches at each other?

AWKWARD

That was actually pretty boring, I didn’t love it.
I mean, I love HIM but…it wasn’t GREAT.

I’m sure it was much better in person.

I think my kid made Randy’s jacket out of Duck tape

Yes, DUCK tape, because we don’t use the bo bo brand duct tape.

#2
Haley is singing Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”

Oh, her voice IS perfect for this song!

!!

She isn’t growling TOO too much.

Aaaand now they did two weird-ass breaks in the song that totally fucked it all up. It was just a removal of guitar and stuff and mostly a bass beat and WHAT THE FUCK?
THIS IS JANIS JOPLIN, not Rhianna.

Also, her last run was too random but I really did love the rest of the song.

#3
Casey was going to sing “Every Little Thing She Does” but instead did “Have you Ever Seen the Rain” by CCR
And he’s playing the ginormous bass.
What’s with the guy playing the eukelele?

And, he’s making I’m-gonna-eat-your-face faces again.

This song is monumentally lame.

At least he isn’t making scary faces the entire time…he also made silly faces.

Steven Tyler thinks Casey should turn his bass into a car.
WTF?

Now he’s talking about Casey’s package.

NEXT!

#4
Lauren is gonna sing Aretha’s “Natural Woman”

What the hell is she wearing?

It’s totally giving her a polterwang.
Oh right, the girls are wearing Gwen Stefani’s crap.

And her hair…

All she needs is a nose-ring connected to an earring.

Are her feet glued to that spot on the stage?
MEH

#5
James is going to slow it down with “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”
I think this will be good, so long as he’s not too twitchy.

Ok, back lighting and big ears do NOT mix, producers.

Well, he just started his scream/yell and apparently that was the end of the song.

That was weird.

It was just like…..oh…it’s…over.

And he’s all crying. Awwww

Steven just said “Not only did your guitar gently weep, so did you.”
UGH.

#6
Scotty is gonna slaughter Elvis’s “That’s All Right Mama.”

I HATE the way he holds the mic.

IT’S NOT A FLUTE

Today, since Casey will be eating your face, Scotty will be eating your hair…

And suddenly there are girls that RAN up on stage and mobbed him and then they were gone.

What?
Oh, I see what they did there, cuz he sang an Elvis song. UGH, producers. UGH.

Steven said to him “I thought you were all hat and no cattle.”

Seriously…I am SO glad Paula’s back this year!!

#7
Pia is singing Tina Turner’s “River Deep Mountain High”

Oh my damn.
She’s wearing a floppy cow suit.

Look at that GIANT CROTCH!!

The only thing it’s missing is udders.
Wait, is that one there?

omg her butt-crack starts at the bottom of her hair. Perhaps all of that rope was cutting off the oxygen to her brains.

Oh, and also, she sang.

#8
Stefano is singing “When a Man loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge

He is throwing himself into the singing and it’s MUCH better than before, because he isn’t just smiling the whole friggen time.
He hits all of his notes every week

#9
So, PAUL is singing Johnny Cash’s “Folsum Prison Blues”

What the deuce?

It’s just…noisy.

Ok, it’s a little better than usual.

At least he wasn’t totally singing like his pants were full of helium.
But, this is not the face of a convict:

My living room consensus is that Paul did well.

So, my favorite performance was Haley.

I know, it wasn’t Pia!

Here we go, ranking on best overall performance (singing/performing):
1) Haley
2) Stefano
3) Paul
4) James
5) Pia
6) Jacob
7) Lauren
8 ) Casey
9) Scotty

I’m guessing the bottom 3 are Casey, Lauren, and Pia

OK, now to the results show!

OMG Jennifer.

No.

Randy and Sally Jesse Raphael aren’t looking too much better either, but really…Jennifer!?
NO.

Also, Steven’s pants are so tight I can see how many sperm he doesn’t have left.

So first up: Casey, Stefano, and Lauren’s GIANT OUTFIT

Casey and Lauren are safe, Stefano is in the bottom 3

😦

Guest appearance time!
WHY is Constantine Mouralis singing this song?
He’s singing “Lean On Me” or some similar song and WHAT THE HELL. If he was promoting an album, why wouldn’t it be an original song?

We had to fast forward because he looked like someone that we all had bad memories of, yech.
The only watchable part of that was when they showed a picture of his new baby girl,

which spawned this discussion in my living room:
“Hey, what’s that baby doing lying on a plate of grits?”
“That’s not grits, it’s CLEARLY cream cheese on a Triscuit”
“…laying on a bed of hair”

Anyway, Pia, Paul, and Scotty are up next

Damn, Pia’s FINE.

Scotty is safe. Paul is safe. And PIA is not safe.

Ok, this is something I do not want to be right about y’all!

Now James, Jacob, and Haley are up.

GAH. Is it Jacob? Cuz he was boring.

Ok, James is safe.

GAH GAH GAH

And Haley is safe!
PHEW!

Bottom 3 are Jacob, Pia, and Stefano

Are we kicking Stefano off for wearing those suspenders?

Dang, time for a commercial break…and now a guest appearance by…
OMG IGGY POP IS NOT NOT NOT OK IN HD
BAD Fox, BAD!!

Fuck America in the EYE

Pia was voted off of the show.

Well, I think we all know that if she doesn’t get a recording contract she can do either one of two things, modeling or stripping.

Personally, I hope she chooses the latter.

It’s What It’s

So, Ryan has a new fan

I guess it’s appropriate that we’re doing Elton John songs today.

I’m guessing 3 out of the 11 contestants will have never heard an Elton song.
Unfortunately they didn’t mention who hadn’t heard of Elton; too bad, I would’ve guessed Thia, Stefano, and Lauren.

#1 Scotty

I didn’t get a picture of Scotty McLeansALot so here’s a picture of Hulk Hogan from last week and his creepily absent belly button.

CREEPY

Anyway, Scotty is singing Elton’s “Country Comfort”.

The be-coated, be-hatted, be-speckled producer guy called Scotty ELEGENT.
HAH

His song was RIGIDLY typical country with NO stand-outs EXCEPT that he gave a shout-out to his grandma which was adorable.
And his guitar is pretty.

Crazy Grandma Tyler says “There’s nothing I can say to you that a couple high heeled cowboy boots wouldn’t fix.”
Wha?

#2 Naima
She’s singing “I’m Still Standing” but in a reggae style.
Her costume reminded me more of a gay pride flag than reggae colors…

This is odd, but it’s…ok.
Sometimes I think she is out of tune but I’m pretty sure the key changed and she is in tune.
The beginning showcased her voice more, even though it was odd and she was really singing from the back of her throat with all of the low notes.
I dunno you guys, again, she’s not a spectacular singer but she is very likable.

Apropos of nothing, I’m so glad that Paula Abdul is back on the show.

#3 Paul is going to earfuck “Rocket Man”.
So yeah, he is singing it (I think?) and if he doesn’t start crying or flop around like a flounder this song is going to put me to sllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllkjnhfxc

#4 Pia is doing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.”
Yep, another ballad.

She sang it really well but it did not get me all excited.
Her modeling picture did

But I am not a fan of the ice dancing costume that she performed in

Pia’s hot.
Whatever.

#5 Stefano is going to ruin “Tiny Dancer”.

Hey Stefano, wtf is a ballerinum?
Is that the shit spewing out of that nuke plant in Japan?

Maybe if he would stop smiling all of the time it would seem like a song instead of a show.

I was not impressed.
The judges were a lot nicer this week and said that he connected more with the audience.
Well, not the ones in THIS living room.

Sidenote – WHY is Howie Mandell allowed to breathe?

#6 Lauren is going to make us hate “Candle in the Wind”.
Not because she’ll be bad but because OMG, I don’t even want to hear ELTON sing that fucking song ever again.

It’s not a good range for her, it’s very nasally and irritating.
It’s really not doing her any favors.
Neither did the dress the put her in for the photo shoot.

I’m all for equal opportunity employment but hiring a midget photographer really wasn’t a good idea.

It’s very 80’s-big-hair meets timid country singer. The voice, not her outfit. Her outfit is better than that one up there ^ but not exciting enough for me to photograph.

#7 James is gonna perform “Saturday.”

Oh
No
He
Di’int.
He just did a teddy bear.

Not like “had inappropriate relations with a stuffed animal”, I mean did something like this

Well that was entertaining.
It was fun.
Whatevs
NEXT

#8 Thia is going to do a robot version of “Daniel”.

Producer dood says to her: “Forget all the high school drama stuff” HAHAHAHAHAHA, so like, forget last year?

That was surprisingly good…in a way. Her feelings were finally existent. Though some of the notes seemed like her voice was about to just squeak and then her big vibrato came through.
Sometimes.

The judges liked it.

I didn’t take her picture this week because she wasn’t wearing any food preparation material.

#9 Casey is singing “Your Song”
He said he was gonna cut the beard.
The beard is still there.

It’s much better though.
He looks more like the pudgy nice guy that women are “let’s just be friends” with than the creepy basement dweller that buys used underwear on the internet.

It’s just him singing and some guy on the piano.
It’s good.

His voice is nice. It’s nice to not be distracted by his growling and yelling and creepyface.
He did do creepyface a few times, though.
This was also an improvement

#10 Jacob is going to over-dramatize “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word.”

He killed it.
Per usually.

#11 Haley will be growling “Bennie and the Jets”.

Yay! She’s jazzy and growly and not using that sweet voice that doesn’t fit in with the rest.
And she was a little more comfortable on the stage. Not great, but better.
Prolly she just needs to take a shot of whiskey and get laid. Prolly in that order. (Is she even 18?)

YES! AWESOME!
Randy said “BEST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT”!!!
And that was AFTER Jacob!!!

So, tonight as a whole wasn’t amazing.
If I had to pick my favorite it would be…….the brownies that I ate while I was watching the show.

Vote for the Worst is telling people to vote for Paul, which is fine with me because it’s not Scotty, but I think that will keep Paul out of the bottom three, so even though I would assume he’d be in it, he likely won’t be this week.

Here’s my opinion that is worth about 72¢:
Scotty was the boringest.
Thia was 2nd boringest.
Stefano was 3rd boringest.
Naima was the meh-est.
Jacob, James, and Pia were the typical-est.
Haley was the underdog-est.
Casey was the desperate-est.
and Lauren was also there.

The hell?

YAY! Motown!!
The contestants are doing Motown songs.
Wait, what does Motown mean again?

#1
Casey is doing Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”.
Of course he is.
It’s kind of a given that SOMEONE was going to do that song.
This should be a great song for him.

Wait, producer dood is in his hat and coat again. Is LA experiencing some sort of cold front?

So Casey, started out strained because you can tell he’s thinking too hard.

Now it’s getting good cuz he’s comfortable with the song because he’s probably sung it a lot.
He looks nice.

You know, except for when he’s making what he thinks is his ‘sexy’ face but is really his ‘I-will-kill-you-and-eat-your-hair’ face.

That was ok, the end was totally off-key, but whatever, people love him.

OMG, it looks like Steven Tyler has cleavage.

JLo looks nice though, per usually

#2
Thia is singing “Heatwave”

Oh look! She’s wearing a dress made out of cupcake wrappers!

Damn! She’s really knocking it out of the park – although it’s hard to hear her on the lower notes which is a surprising few.
Oh crap, she just forgot the words.
I don’t think this song used to have so many “Ooohs”
Randy thinks that “The public is resounding with her.”
Wait, none of the judges mentioned her forgetting her words!?
The hell?

#3
Jacob is singing “You’re All I Need to Get By.”

He just has such a huge voice.
omg his personality is SO FUN!
I mean, look at these faces!

He was perfect. Perfect pitch.
Got a standing O from the judges AND a hug from Steven Tyler.

Ok, now the front row is all giving him hugs LOL
The hell?

#4
Lwhoren’s turn (No, I don’t think she’s a whore, it’s just fun to make fun of people, duh)
She’s starting off with a really strong voice singing “You Keep Me Holdin On”
She does have a very entertaining and big beautiful voice that is in tune.
And she even threw in a little sass, which was nice.
It sounds EXACTLY like the original, but she has the fucking pipes to rock it hardcore.
And, she looks cool

#5
Stefano!!

Stefano is singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”
and he’d never heard it before…the hell?
BAHHH YOUNGINS!!

I sure hope he keeps his eyes open and sings it to the audience.
Meh, I am not loving this, he’s overdoing it.
If he sang it with his sweet smooth vibrato he would be KILLING it.
I was explaining to Bart why he wasn’t good, how he wasn’t feeling the song, he was just putting on an act and not a GOOD one, just kind of doing the motions and then all 3 of the judges said the same thing.

#6
Haley

Haley’s doing Smokey Robinson & the Miracles “You Really Got A Hold On Me”

I want her to do well but I’m not loving this performance. She’s flat. And sharp. And too growly, and all over the fucking place.
At least she wasn’t sweet and then growly and then demure and then WTF? again this week.
The judges actually liked it a lot
HUH??
The hell?

#7
Scotty the Potty

My husband just pointed out who he reminds him of:

He’s going to do Michael Jackson song that Stevie Wonder also did, “For Once in My Life.”
And also, I hope that he is going to wear briefs the next time he’s on camera with sweatpants on.

I HATE HIS SMUGFACE!
Also, I hate this face:

Why is he always leaning over!?

He needs one of those bracelets.

Yeah whatever, he can sing in tune, but I HATEHISFACE
He looks ridiculous.
Always leaning and making retard faces and rapper gestures.

BAHHhhhh

#8
Pia!

Pia is doing another ballad, “All in Love is Fair” by Stevie Wonder.

You would think that Stevie was the only person recording at Motown…

Oooh! She just gave me goosebumps!
Her voice control is really great!
She probably has needed the past 10 years to get this good. Martina McBride wasn’t always fucking amazing. She just started out amazing and then got to fucking.
lolz

That was fucking PERFECT
It makes me want to cry, but that could also be because I’m a bit of an emotional wreck right now.
The ONLY thing the judges criticized her on is that they wanted her to next time NOT do a ballad.

Ryan had to make sure everyone saw the back of her dress, not because he thinks that it’s sexy but prolly cuz he’s dating the designer LOLz

#9
Paul is doing Smokey’s “Tracks of My Tears”

Well.
This is weird.
Does he not know that this song is about CRYING!?!!??
It’s like…uptempo.
The hell?
At least he’s playing guitar so he can’t hold the mic and flop all over the stage.
MEH

Wait, is Steven on the phone?

Or is he just staring at some 17 year old?

#10
Naima is going to do “Dancing in the Street.”

She’s going to throw some dancing in with her singing as well.

Oh honey, NO

Those aren’t bellbottoms, those are homeless shelters

Honey it DOES matter what you wear. (See what I did there? A line of the song is “It doesn’t matter what you w…” oh forget it.

She probably has the weakest voice of all of the contestants but she does have a good personality.

For Steven’s review he said “E to the Z to the twiddly dee” and then promptly licked Jennifer’s hair, fell backwards out of his chair, jumped up and went “TA DAAA!”

No, not really, but he did say that first part.

The hell?

#11
James Durbin is doing “Livin for the City”

He’s actually dancing and singing too!
He SLAMMED his high note too
He is reminding me of Mark Slaughter…except for the triple-high notes
Yep, he killed it again.
Nailed it.

How do I think THIS face isn’t stuck up or smug?

lol

Randy’s getting his ass boo’d HARDcore because he said James started off rough but I didn’t see that.

I am SHOCKED that so many people did well tonight.

I can’t really say based on performances who I think would go home cuz I’ve already watched the results show, but I will anyway: bottom 3: Haley, Naima, and Stefano.

LOLz so now I’m watching the results show and it is fucking hilarious and awesome.
First there was Stevie Wonder, who started a rendition of Happy Birthday for Steven Tyler, who just turned 98 or something. Then Hulk Hogan comes out on stage and badly-fake-punches Ryan while the boy contestants freak out..

Honestly I fast forwarded through almost all of the results show.
ESPECIALLY the part where Sugarland was performing because the singer was wearing Barbie barf.
From the early 90s. NO I didn’t take a picture, who wants to remember that?

So Thia and Stefano are in the bottom 3 😦

Ew, Haley has a side-pony
Hrrm, and Naima is safe

And CASEY is in the bottom 3.
The hell (I honestly don’t care but it’s kind of the theme here)

Thia is safe…

and Stefano is safe! (the hell?)

CASEY had the least amount of votes!
The hell?

The hubby is shocked, as, it appears, is the crowd, but WHATEVER.
He started singing his song and the judges stopped him and they told him that he was saved, he didn’t even have to sing.

The look on his face is terrifying, only because I know he’s been sick and he was mouthing “I can’t breathe.”

He was like “Are you serious? Why are you DOING this to me?” lol (meaning they scared him).
Then, he ran into the audience to hug his mom.
It was SO cute.

Ryan brought it back down by saying “Well, this means that TWO people have to go home next week.”

“BUT…there won’t be a Top 10 tour, all ELEVEN of the contestants will be doing the tour.”
I’m pretty sure Casey is going to need a defibrillator.

Duh. Winning.

It’s ok JLo, I’d want to hide my face, too if I was wearing a titty-ball dress.

with hip-flare. (I hate dress pockets.)

Steven looks pretty today.

Also, Randy exists.

WHY must Ryan talk to the stage manager using their first name?

WHY is it “Nancy, let’s do this” and “Erika, dim the lights” and “Frank, take off your pants”
That last one may not have happened on stage, but I can still see Ryan saying it.

In any case, it’s odd. Sure, Ryan and whatever-person are probably on a first-name basis, but I’ve never seen the people he talks about. For all I know, they could all be circus midgets.
Now I wish I knew them.
Dang.

Anymonkey, tonight, the 13 contestants will sing a song by their personal idol.
My hubbers heard this and said “Let’s see, so there will be a JLo song, an Aerosmith song, and…why the hell is Randy there again?”

Helping coach the contestants before the show was chairman of Interscope whose name is either Douchenozzle McSpeckle or Jimmy.
Whatever.
Apparently he’s always worried it may rain inside because he always has a baseball cap on…

or perhaps the sun keeps getting in his eyes.
Inside the building.

Anyway, there were a bunch of famous producers coaching the peeps.
I dunno, if I was them, I’d prolly be at my mansion watching people that I pay roll around in my money.
I wouldn’t want to roll around in it, do you know where those things have been?! Me neither, because I don’t see very much of it.

#1

Lauren’s idol is Shania Twain
Shania’s REAL name is Eilleen so she is A-OK in my book.
Lauren is going to sing “Any Man of Mine”, specifically because she did not want to sing a ballad. I’m guessing that’s what all of the other girls are doing.

LOLz she totally spit water out in front of the producer(s)

Although, if I had to look at this guy, I don’t think I could swallow either

(That’s what SHE said!)

The background music totally sounds like karaoke crap.

She needs heals, The long top with dark pants and flats looks like poo.


This is NOT doing her any favors. Her clothes or this song.
I KNOW girl can sing, but this song is NOT challenging and not better OR different than the original

Her saving graces are
1) We all know she is young
2) She is personable and likeable
3) She’s pretty

Yay! Steven, JLo, AND Randy agreed with me and wanted Lauren to do more with the song.

She looked a bit crushed.
But, let’s remember what’s important: I was right.

Of course, when asked about her performance, she says she “HAD FUN.”
*eyeroll*

#2
Casey is singing Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help from My Friends”
He said Joe C isn’t hot and Casey is…similar…or something
*snort*

So…..yeah….mmmmmeeeeeehhhhhh

I mean…

UHHH

I got nothin.

#3
Ashthohnh

will be singing Dianna Ross’s “When You Tell me That You Love Me”

God I hope she kicks this song’s ass
Oohh, she’s wearing a satin dress. Those are hard to pull off.

I wouldn’t mind having a go at it, though.

😀 See what I did there?

Daggone, her earrings are big (not a euphemism)

Her high notes didn’t quite cut it.
The preview before her actual performance was SO. WAY. BETTER.

Randy liked it, that was surprising.
NOT surprising, JLo and Steven liked it.

JLo looks amazing as usual but that lipstick needs to be toned down

#4
Paul is singing Ryan Adams “Come Pick Me Up”

THIS SONG IS BORING

Dood is a straight up weirdo.
He flailed around the stage like a marionette (worked by Michael J Fox) and yet he was singing this terribly slow song.
He is bizarre, but not in a cool, fun way…in a WTF kinda way.
Ok, maybe it’s a little fun, but, still, WTH is with his face?

And his “dancing”

#5 PIA!!!!!!
I LOVE PIA

She’s just so lovely, wait, what?

Wow. Those glasses.
Is she considered legally blind?

Anyway, DEAR BABY JEEBUS I hope she doesn’t pick a

OH MY GOD NOOoooooooooooooooo CELINE DION!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oK, I’m SCARED for her

I mean, she does have the pipes, but on stage and in front of all of these peoples
and it’s starting out so slowly…

STOP.

WHY is Steven wearing headphones?

So Pia’s hitting the big notes.
Wait, NO, she yelled.

It wasn’t good
Whatever, I can put it on mute and still look at those legs.

DAMNIT.
she’s still yelling/screaming
FUCK.
She sounded better in the previews too

She’s pretty.

I’m pretty sure that JLo is about to cry

Randy is saying that she hits these notes dead on….I beg to differ just a little bit, but WHATEVS

She’s HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

#6
James Durbin is singing Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”

Surprisingly, so far tonight his voice has sounded the best
Of course, he’s going to start screaming soon…

All of the judges are boppin’ around in their chairs.

Oh.
Dear.
God.

He looks like Sloth from Goonies

That’s unfortunate.

Ok, ok, it’s not THAT bad…
That really was, the best singing so far the whole night.
Yes, better than Pia.
DEFINITELY not hotter.
But definitely the best singer so far

I can’t believe I just said that.

#7
Haley will be singing Leann Rhimes “Blue”

Haley’s perty, too

Ok, she’s not one sentence into it and she’s singing it better than Leann Rhimes
By about 100 times
Her control!
The key change, the vibrato, it was all
FAN
FUCKING
TAS
TIC

Dear lawd, look at those earrings!

She really is very pretty

So, Steven Tyler said this: “It’s a Patsy Cline song that she never recorded off of her first album.”
Do what now?
Seriously, SteveTylerHandlers, check his purse because I think he may be snorting Ambien.

Last week Haley did Alicia Keys and this week she’s doing Leann Rhimes. I kinda like that she, like many of us YOUNG people (YESIAM!) likes a broad spectrum of music genre.
Randy called it boring, kinda sleepy.
I hope he gets a hangnail.

JLo was really fighting for Haley and Randy keeps saying “sleepy” and JLo is essentally rolling her eyes and shit

#8 Jacob Lusk
His idol is R Kelly
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo….
Nevermind, I’ll let it go

Is it possible for him to actually SEE??

Seriously, his whole pre-performance interview his eyes were shut.

Jacob’s SHOCKINGLY going to be singing “I Believe I Can Fly” (fyi-that’s not shocking)

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dear God his voice is beautiful

But now he’s getting yelly and not in a good way

He seems like such a diva

Ok, he brought the scream/crying back to FUCKYEAH! territory

Fuckyeah!!

But, seriously, could someone PLEASE get Steven a writer? He sounds like he’s drunk

#9
Thia Megia is going to sing Michael Jackson

She was told by Jimmy that it’s not actually a Michael Jackson song, it’s a Charlie Chaplin song and she nods and is like “Mmmhmm” and then she’s like “Charlie…Cha…Chaaa?”

This song is slooooooooooooow
And OMG
Her voice is pretty, as is she.

Wait, what is going on? The tempo picked up and she is flat or sharp or something
And it is weird

They added a beat and it’s like…I dunno, weird. This is a slow, emotional song. Please do not do this again Idol band. *stern glare*

I liked the outside parts, the inside parts were…blech.

Randy also said he liked the beginning and not really the rest.

She is so meek.
I really wish she would’ve been cut so she could come back in at LEAST a year.
She’s FIFTEEN.
She’s got balls for going onstage in front of millions, but she still needs more confidence, stage presence, and trauma.
Not like, blunt-force trauma, but she needs some life experiences to give her a personality and depth; some real emotion.

#10
Stefano is singing his idol, Stevie Wonder! Woo! I love Stevie Wonder. We’re BFFLs. For True.

Stefano is singing “Sing Lately” (FYI I don’t check what the actual names of any of these songs are because I’m lazy and also I have important things to do with my time, like puzzles with my 4 year old.)
He can SING. Trust.

I’m not a fan of his look here, though:

I got a little scared cuz he really is belting out all of these notes, but he hit every one.
This song is maybe not going to get the young people voting because it is slow and they’ve never heard it.

Wait, they picked up the tempo
At first it was like, ok, now it’s giong to be upbeat
But he was still singing his long notes and stuff.
His voice was beautiful.
He is totally a man with a million faces, but he moved SOFAST I couldn’t take a million pictures like I did with Scotty McCreepy last week.

#11
Karen Rodriguez’s idol is Selena so she will be singing “I Could Fall in Love”

NO
WHY is she wearing a JUMPSUIT

And she must have REALLY pushed her voice because she is NOT doing well at all. In her preview clip they insinuated that she needed to rest her voice before her performance, so something must be up (they never did say anything was wrong).
She was not able to get meat behind her low notes.

Disappointing.

#12
Scotty McCrappy is going to ruin Garth Brooks’ “The River”

Apparently now there’s something wrong with his LEFT leg

I love this song

I hate Scotty’s face

His voice was pretty shaky until the chorus.
I do believe this picture sums up his performance:

He constantly pulled the mic away from his face so you couldn’t hear him…which I was totally ok with.

I dunno why I don’t like him, America. I think it has something to do with his smug-face that he puts on while he’s performing.

#13 Naima has lost her mind and is going to do Rhianna’s “Umbrella”

Fuck Rhianna
She should be doing Eryka Badu

*sings* “Why don’t you call Tyroooone”
(*waves* Hi Dianna)

She looks like an outcast from the Pirates of Rasta-Punk Island

She is not able to really get her breath

YES, the mix-up was fun but the
Wait, what?
Was that dancing where there should have been words?
I’m…
confused

The reggae beats were hot.

She dedicated that to her hubby…awwww

At least Steven said it…she was pitchy

They were talking about how she didn’t have time to dance, breathe, and sing and she said it was hard trying to find time for a breath.
Bitch, please.
She needs to try Dre & Eminem’s Forgot About Dre.
BOTH parts.

Of course they have Naima’s phone number a little different than the rest, because “They didn’t want anyone to have to use the UNLUCKY # 13”.
Which is funny, cuz guess what…last year? That phone number? 866-436-5713? Was a porn number.
Which they found out only after the first show.
Lolz
It’s unlucky porn I guess?

So here’s your choices America

1) Lauren
2) Casey
3) Ashthon
4) Paul
5) Pia
6) James
7) Haley
8 ) Jacob
9) Thia
10) Stefano
11) Karen
12) Scotty No, America. Don’t.
13) Naima

I’m voting hardcore for:
Lauren, Pia, James, & Haley

Kinda Sorta voting for:
Stefano & Jacob

Barely voting for:
Casey & Ashthon

I’m not sure if they’re eliminating one or two people tonight.
Obviously, I hope that Scotty goes home.
Trying to guess who America bothered to vote for is HARD. Especially because a lot of people vote most for who they thought sucked! I am going to guess that…Thia is going home.

Here’s how I think the contestants did tonight-based on vocal ability AND performance:
1) James (I know!)
2) Haley
3) Stefano
4) Naima
5) Jacob
6) Lauren
7) Pia (I know!)
8 ) Casey
9) Thia
10) Paul
11) Ashthon
12) Scotty McPoopyPants
13) Karen

If I had to pick my singing idol it would be…

ME of course, DUH
WINNING!
DUH!

The Idol Element

This episode aired on 02-23 – yes, I’m a little behind.
Well, actually, I have a big behind, but that’s neither here nor there.
Actually, it’s kind of both, like I said, it’s big.

ANYhooker…about Idol…

Apparently they’re in Vegas, and everyone must sing Beatles songs

BEATLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOHOO!!

I’m definitely a Beatles person and not really a Rolling Stones person.

There are 61 contestants left now and they will soon be massacred down to 24! I sure wish they would ask my opinion because I could definitely do it in less than TWO FUCKING HOURS.

So the contestants got to pick either one or two people to sing with and then they picked a BEATLES! song out of a hat and they had 24 hours to practice it.
Assuming they got at least 4 hours of sleep, they actually had 20 hours to practice.
TOTALLY adequate.

Thia and Jersey (I don’t know her name-just that she’s from Jersey) were not ready and Thia was giving us some SERIOUS teenager-face

They all got to have vocal coaches, there were 4 different ones and apparently one of them is “THE VOCAL COACH FROM HELL” (Ryan’s words)
Of course they had to play lots of footage of her being a total bitch to the little girls.
Why are we concentrating on a total crotchface?!?
Why is this worth watching?
Oh, that’s right! Cuz we feel better that we are 1) not her, and 2) not the girls.

OMG some of these kids have never even HEARD a Beatles song.

WHAT.
THE.
DEUCE!?!?

Now that is just bad parenting.

Before performing for the judges, the groups performed in front of a shit ton of producers who of course they showed only being super critical.
Wait, they can pick a different song?? I don’t get it. One of the groups was told by the producer-types they should pick a different song…what exactly was the point of the picking-songs-from-a-hat?

Stefano & James Durbin were the first duo up, singing “Get Back”

Why is James wearing a karate kid bandana?

That song was ok for Stefano but I didn’t like it with James’ voice.
Anyone else think of Fez when they look at Stefano?
Not like, the character Fez from That 70’s Show, but the actor, Willlll…mer V… whatever, I don’t want to look up how to spell it, that’s why I called him FEZ!
ANYway, you little bitches, what I mean by that is he’s a totally likeable little guy – unassuming and goofy, but he can also be pretty good looking.

Next up are high school pals Pia and Karen

Why is Karen’s hair so big?
And unkempt?

The girls sang “Can’t Buy Me Love”.
Karen was overdoing her show part of the performance (over-acting) but whatevs, she gives good song.
In fact, both of the girls sang well and are very pretty.

Oh boy, Jacob Lusk!
He’s in a group with Naima and Haley

Haley sang first, the register was pretty low but I think she pulled it off. I listened to her last performance that I thought was really good, with a big voice and all that and honestly, she was pitchy the whole time.
Fuck.
Naima’s first note was off key and they really didn’t show much of her.
Jacob, again with the eyes closed and the un-present stage presence, he sang well. DUH

Apparently they all went to the school of “I’m singing passionately, ergo I must crouch”

What the hell song are they singing?
Their almost-last note was SHARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrppp
JLo said “Very very nice” in an almost condescending way, like she was surprised they didn’t suck lolz
HELLO!? They had JACOB! lol

Rachel Z was the only one in her group that they showed, they sang “Eleanore Rigby”
Her voice was a bit singy-singy (like, too broadway) but still good

Not-Blond-Lauren sang “Let It Be” with Jovany, well, theoretically. They really only showed Lauren singing.
She pretty much kicks ass, though I neglected to take her picture.

Tim Halperin and Julia Zorrilla diddled each other.
Wait, that’s not what I meant to type….they played keyboards together.
There we go.

They really sang well together. it wasn’t great singing, nothing earth sharttering (typo and it stays) but it was nice.

Lakeisha, Tatyneshia, and Jerome sang “When I Saw Her Standing There”

I like Miss Lakeisha’s voice best, Tatywhatever was a bit highpitched and nasally and apparently Jerome exists(?)
They kicked the harmonies ASSES though, did a great job.

Kendra and Paul weirdly sang “Blackbird”?

Kendra frequently looked either like she forgot she was on stage periodically or she forgot to poop earlier and was thinking about pooping later.

She didn’t seem to know what to do while he was singing

There needs to be a voice-over thingy that says what she’s thinking. Like, here, I believe she’s thinking “What is with all the beards this season?”

Oh god, wait, she must’ve just got kicked in the crotch, cuz she just squeaked.
Screeched?
The judges loved his voice – they gave her compliments, too but his voice is kinda…unique.

Oh, UGH, Ashley the drama queen is taking advantage of being in Vegas and is GETTING MARRIED.
They’re getting married where Britney Spears got married.
You know, for luck, I guess.
You know, cuz also they’re trash.

The CAMERA GUY is their witness.
LOLz
She’s wearing pleather pants. (FYI, even MS Word doesn’t think that pleather is a word.)
Dear Lawd, please let him be shooting blanks.

Thia and whoever are up now, and they had to bring up the coach from hell again…
Oh, Melinda is the non-Asian’s name.

What?

They’re singing “Here Comes the Sun”
NO. Thia should be kicked off RIGHT NOW.
Thia’s wearing shortalls.
Hell NO I didn’t get a picture of that, why would you want to see it?

Melinda looked surprised to find that she was singing
Melinda should prolly come back next year, she’s just SO YOUNG, she needs more maturity and experience.

Next up is Ash(OMG)ley and Sophia.

Oh UGH, why is Ryan talking to Ashley?
She’s a DOUCHE.
They sang “We Can work It Out”
Their performance was weird. Not awful but…odd.
The judges didn’t dig it either, YAY!

Denise, Scotty, and Blond-Lauren sang(?) “Hello, Goodbye”
Denise looks like she just left jazzercise; why is she wearing spandex shorts and a sequined tank top?
Scotty just sounded weird and Lauren just wasn’t in her element.
They ran around the stage at the end and it was funny/cute but it made them sing funny cuz they were running (in heels-except maybe for maybe Scotty but prolly he was wearing cowboy boots and those have heels)

omg you guys, Casey and Chris’s performance was excellent.

They sang “Feel All Right”? and they harmonized great, but their performance was really great.
Just too cute/funny/awesome.
I seriously don’t understand how Casey is only 19.

Aaron, Robbie, and Jordan already had experience being a group from Hollywood.

They all sounded great and their performance was good too.
I think Robbie sounded better than the other 2.

And that was it for performances.
So, they immediately start telling contestants if they are through or cut.
WEIRD, I thought they were going to show a lot of slow shots of people walking towards the judges and crying and shit.
I think that comes later.

(Spoiler: It does)

So, the first group through is: Jordan, Ashthon, Lauren Alaina, Thia, Robbie, some guy with big hair, and SCOTTY.
WHY!?!?
What did I ever do to the judges??

The first people cut are some hot chic – oh she’s the white house intern, Crazy blond guy, and strung out guy
Then there’s Melinda, Denise (maybe she should’ve worn pants), and Sophia, and ASHLEY!!! WOOOOHOOOO!!

WHOAH, and she didn’t freak the fuck out and sob and cut herself or anything.
Weird, she must be on high on Oxycodone.

Oh, so NOW they are going to walk slowly towards a chair and find out their fate.
But, they haven’t performed any more than they had since the last cut, so I have NO idea what they’re basing this on, since they made it through yesterday….oh wait again, they are doing one more performance. Heh
In a hangar.
*blinks*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*shrugs*
I dunno either.

There are 40 people left and they’re keeping 24 of them. So they’re kicking off less than half.
If my daughter was awake I’d make her figure out the percentage, but I don’t do the maths.

Naima sang Corinne Bailey Ray’s “Put your records on” for her last performance for the judges.
I’m glad they did a solo performance cuz the group thing is kinda weird.

So, tell me Naima doesn’t look like the blue opera singer in The Fifth Element!


I didn’t hella love her solo performance, but whatevs.
The judges led her on and then told her she is through. That’s cool, she does seem like a cool person.

Hmmm, I wonder if they’re going to pull a rabbit out like they did last year, and prolly the year before) and have two people left in the room and they know only one of them is going through but then they BOTH get through, cuz those judges, they’re CRAZY.
(They can read teleprompters)

Holly sang Alicia Keys “No one”. She has a weird accent, I can’t figure out what it is…and she walks like a linebacker
Or, like, a gymnast
She did not make it through
JLo told her that she was outvoted cuz SHE wanted to keep her, but also she thinks since Holly is only 17, she can come back and win this thing straight up on another season.

Lakeisha

got cut.
😦 boo
I like her voice

Some guy named Alex also got cut.
I don’t remember him and didn’t get his pic

For his final performance, Clint AKA Mr. Terribleglasses, sang Lionel Richie but they only played 2 words of it. (Yay?)
Of course he’s going through, Randy’s frowning and shaking his head, which means that JLo and Steven loved it.

Haley’s turn

NO idea what she sang for her last performance, but it was “WHOAH-y”.
She made it through! Cool, I do want to see her, I think she has a good stage presence and I love that she is young and little and has such a big voice.
Maybe she can be my replacement for Christina Aguilera now that XTina is a cheating whore and also possibly a drunk (of a less-than-Charlie-Sheen calibre).

Deandre is one of the babies at 16.

DAMN, his voice is just pretty.
I actually like his hair.
but he did not make it through
They think others are more consistent
😦
We’ll be seeing him again.
Trust.

Paul McDonald’s up next; the guy with a totally smooth voice that has never gotten a bad word.
Gee, you think he will make it through?

Can we kick him off just for wearing this:

He sang an original song for the judges for his “last” performance.
Duh duh derrrr he made it.

Ahshthohnh sang Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” for her last performance.
Que?
She’s totally consistent and has a great stage presence and voice
She also is adorable and dresses awesome.

YES she made it.

Chris Medina
Um, I’m not sure what he sang for his final song, I think it was Chris Martin (?) and I don’t like that guy much (the Goop husband, not Chris)
I dunno, it wasn’t that exciting.
JLo’s trying not to cry, she’s telling him how she has so much respect for him as a person, as a man.
But, he did not make it into the top 24.

Poor JLo had to be consoled by Randy and Steven because she felt she didn’t tell Chris in the right way. Awww, she IS human!!

And it’s “To Be Continued!”

Damnit. Well, it doesn’t really matter because I’m watching this show a day (week) late, which means that there’s another show playing right now and I can just continue now 🙂

Come along with me…

Happy Hallowe’en, you’re under arrest.

Your daughter’s a whore.

What, no? This is not true?
Really?

Then why are you letting her wear THIS on Halloween?

It should NOT be this easy to make a “She’s getting lucky…” joke about an 11 year old.

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

And no, I’m not kidding you! This is really for a child; this sizing is copied right from their website:
* Leprechaun Child Costume
* Small Fits size 6-8
* Medium Fits Size 8-10
* Large Fits Size 10-12

Those sizes equate to ages.
Of young girls.
Go yell at Target.
Yes, Target.

Oh, and don’t fret, if your daughter is younger than that girl, that’s ok, they’ve got another version:

FYI, this is the boy’s version:

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Don’t try to defend yourself, and don’t tell me that this costume is meant for adults because this costume – and all of the ones I will feature – are for CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 13.

Sure, in some countries, a 12 year old girl is an old maid if she hasn’t married and spawned a few pups, but this is ‘MURCA.
That’s right, say it with me, c’mon put the Budweiser down — hands on your muffin tops — good!
Now, loud and clear…“MERCA!!”
This is a free* country!
In this country we spoil and coddle our children, blame whatever is wrong on everyone else (or A.D.D.), then we bitch about them still living in our basements at the age of 34.
Sorry. Tangent.

*not valid in RI, WI, MI, PI, SI, VI. Void where prohibitaterated. Please don’t sue my ass. I can’t afford a lawyer in this country. Wait, aren’t they free? Oh, but I make too much to qualify for free legal assistance. You mean, only the rich people get decent representation? And health care? Damn.

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But really, back to the point, your daughter’s kind of a tramp.

Well jeez, I wouldn’t say that if you didn’t let her go trick-or-treating wearing this:

Look, I’m not a prude or anything, when my kids aren’t in the car I’m hollerin’ F-bombs along with Eminem and Dr. Dre, but my kid has never had her ass hanging out of ANYthing.

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Maybe it’s just because there aren’t very many great costumes for girls?
No really, I think the designers have resorted to huffing glue in order to come up with ideas, I mean, just look at some of this….stuff…

This is called a fairy costume.

Do you see wings?!?!?

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PINK SPIDERGIRL?!?
GFY pink!

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What in the name of Hades is this?
There are hand-hair ears(?)…bones…tulle…??

But don’t worry! Her little sister can dress just like her!! Whatever the hell it is…that they are…
Let’s see, there’s…a cute little heart…bones…a ruffley skirt…cobweb arm sleeves…

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Say this out loud “Ironman Girl”
Do you see all those people on the bus around you trying to figure out if you’re high or just retarded?

I didn’t see Superman Girl, but I’m sure if it existed, it would be pink. And also suck.

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Allegedly, this is a “Pink Ninja”.
Ok, but this isn’t the Pink Ninja’s girly-crime fighting outfit…

I’m pretty sure these are the pink ninja’s pajamas.
Or at least, parts of them.

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There are a whole slew of costumes that Ray Charles must have designed before he departed this terra firma.
I’m pretty sure he asked Michael J. Fox to sew this one for him, right after Rainbow Bright barfed her technicolor dreams all over it:

I won’t post any more of these, you don’t deserve this kind of eye fuckery.

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Well, the last few weren’t slutty, but looking through the mounds of girls’ costume options, there was NO shortage of…well, short.

Kids will buy anything if they use the word “Twilight,” as they did on this “Twilight Trickster” costume

Guess who’s the trick!?

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WTF is a gothic ballerina?!?!

And why is it so frakking trampy?

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Whatever the hell this is, the skirt does NOT need to be THISSHORT

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I’m sorry, this is a what?

MUMMY!?!??

THERE ISN’T ANY FABRIC!!!!!!

WHY IS A TODDLER WEARING THIS??!?!?!

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Go ahead and guess what this is supposed to be…
My guess is, it’s the costume one of the trailer trash characters wore in Eminem’s movie 8 Mile.

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Let’s get back to my original rant, and that is, don’t preach Right-to-Life, then oppose health care and food stamps for these tramps in elementary school that are going to be having babies next July.

There seems to be a new rule,and that is, all costumes must have one or both of:
Corset
Tutu

I present to you as evidence:

CORSET:

HOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKK

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TUTU:

SEE-THROUGH tutus no less!

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Corset AND a tutu!!!
(These have no reason for existing smaller than a Juniors size Large)

MAKE IT STOP!!!!

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I call these “LET’S JUST PUT SHORT SKIRTS ON EVERYTHING!”

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STOP!

WHAT.

THE.

H.

Y’all know what Twister is, right? It’s a one-way ticket to orgy town.
Not that I’ve ever played it; my grandma was telling me about the one they have at the old folks’ home.
Bwahahaha well at least you stopped thinking about everyone doing left hand red, right hand-cuffed to the back seat of the cruiser, perv.

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There are a few costumes with which the designers have taken that whole artistic license thingy a little too far, namely in the cat and ladybug genre:

CATS
(Sidenote – WHY ARE CATS WEARING TUTUS?!!?!?)

What the…? I’m pretty sure the last time I saw a cat ballerina was right after eating that fish head covered in Stilton cheese, Pruno, and nutmeg; with that glass of salamander brandy.

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In the same vein as not-cats…This is…NOT A FUCKING LADYBUG:

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These final costumes hurt my brains:

Ok, I posted this first one last year, but still…WhyTF are they selling this as a CHILD’S COSTUME?!?

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This is “Storybook Sweetheart”.
Do you recall reading this book?

I think the plot is a young girl goes to visit her grandmother in the woods of Kansas and she gets gang-banged by a wolf, a tinman, a lion, Bill Paxton, and a tornado.

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WHAT THE EFFING FUCK!?

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Tea Party Princess or Beer Maid Girl?

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Let’s NOT dress our kids like a child that pole-dances on stage (BARF)

Also-Fishnets. Yet another item that should NOT come smaller than a Juniors Large.

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WHERE is the rest of this SKIRT!??

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This is wrong on so many levels, the last straw being that the the “skirt” is &^$@Q#&% SEE THROUGH.

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Yes, this gal looks older, and they might also make it for females with grown-up vaginas, but this is for “tweens”.

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This is the final straw, people…the Chris Hanson Special

OFFICER BOMBSHELL AGES 12-14

Not the only officer you will be seeing on Halloween.

No really, they named the costume “Officer Bombshell”.
I also found a costume labeled “Luscious Leopard”.
For Tweens.
That means children under 13.
I quit life.

Do me a favor, just write your daughter’s age on her forehead so I know if I should pack for an overnight at your house, or an extended stay at the big house.